How do we judge what the worst storylines in wrestling history are?
Well,
wretched writing is one factor. How illogical was it? Was it
embarrassing to watch? Is it still (not so) fondly remembered by fans to
the point that it still gets brought up—and mocked—regularly? And did
it have any redeeming features whatsoever?
With all this in mind, let’s examine and rank the absolute worst storylines ever.
Hey, you have been warned…
#5 Dawn Marie Sexes Torie Wilsons Dad To Death
Back in 2002, WWE Divas Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie
engaged in a heated rivalry. What’s wrong with two hot chicks fighting?
Well, the reason they were beefing was because Dawn Marie got into a
relationship with Wilson’s real-life old ass father. Al Wilson would
show up backstage over the next several weeks getting some good lovin’
from Marie. Next thing you know, Al is proposing to Dawn and Torrie is
pissed. She tries to go all “Indecent Proposal” on us by sleeping with
Dawn in an attempt to get her to call off the wedding. That failed. Al
and Dawn “married” on New Year’s and enjoyed their honeymoon in Hawaii
until Dawn Marie basically screwed him to death. Yup, dead. This led to a
Stepdaughter vs. Stepmother match at the Royal Rumble in 2003. That was
the first time the WWE killed a character off. Yeesh.
#4 Katie Vick
It doesn’t get any more tasteless than this, folks. Kane was always
built up as this unstoppable monster who broke out of a hospital to get
revenge on his half-brother, The Undertaker. While Kane was declared the
number one contender for the Triple H‘s
World Heavyweight Championship, it was revealed that Kane wasn’t in a
mental institute. He was getting drunk and driving home totally smashed
trying to break into the wrestling business. To make matters worse, he
killed a girl named Katie Vick 10 years ago while drunken driving.
Triple H brought this all to light as their beef began. He also revealed
his alleged findings that Kane’s semen was found in Katie’s body when
the autopsy was performed. What happened over the next few weeks were
jokes in piss poor taste. One found Triple H wheeling a casket to the
ring and using a Katie Vick dummy for a ventriloquist act. But the worst
of the worst was when Triple H showed a video of himself in a Kane mask
going to a funeral home. He finds Katie Vick’s casket, disrobes, hops
in the casket and has simulated sex with a dead body. At the end of his
sexual feat, Triple H climaxes, pulls some pink goo from “Katie’s” head,
throws it at the camera and says “I just screwed your brains out.”
Necrophilia? Not awesome. After all of this you would think that Kane
would win the title. Nope. He lost. And the story was never talked about
again.
#3 Boss Man Makes AL Snow Eat His Dog
The Big Boss Man has been involved in some pretty craptastic angles. Who can forget him driving away with the dead father of The Big Show‘s casket hitched to his car?
Yeah, that was bad. But not nearly as bad as the Boss Man’s angle with
Al Snow. The two battled at SummerSlam in a match that saw Boss Man pick
up a carrier holding Pepper, Snow’s beloved Chihuahua, smash it over Al
Snow’s head and toss it carelessly behind him. Announcer Jim Ross
swiftly played damage control and told the world that there was no dog
in the carrier. Whew! But it gets worse. Boss Man kidnaps Pepper, kills
him, invites Snow over for lunch and tricks him into eating his dog. It all culminated in the first (and thankfully last) “Kennel From Hell”
match, where Snow and Boss Man battled in a cage match surrounded by
rabid dogs. Well, the dogs weren’t rabid, they were on leashes and they
did more pooping than barking.
#2 Dewey Wins WCW World Title
This was the straw that broke WCW’s back. Already on its deathbed, WCW tried to drum up some interest by bringing in Officer Dewey David Arquette who was fresh off filming the craptastic “Ready To Rumble.”
We see actors get in the mix all of the time. However, we never, ever
should see them win a company’s prestigious title. That’s exactly what
happened on April 26, 2000. After forming a lame alliance with the late
Chris Kanyon and reigning WCW champ Diamond Dallas Page
in an angle against WCW head honcho Eric Bischoff, Arquette found
himself in a tag team match alongside DDP against Bischoff and Jeff
Jarrett. The stipulation was that whoever scored the pin would become
the champ. Arquette and his horrible skills somehow won. Afterward, his
tenure was more about comic relief than actual wrestling. He finally
dropped the belt on May 7 when he turned on DDP and gave the title to
Jarrett in a PPV. Ugh.
#1 Mae Young Gives Birth To A Hand
As terrific as it was, it’s hard to deny that The Attitude Era of the WWF had it’s ups and downs.
As great as things could be, for every Rock and Austin, there was a Steven Richards and a B.W.O
That being said, Mae Young
giving birth to what many presume was some sort of malformed hand; fits
into the timeline as being closer to a “WTF? Moment” than anything
else.
At the time, The Fabulous Moolah
and her associate, Mae Young; a pair of female wrestlers from the 40’s
and 50’s, had begun appearing in WWF storylines with surprising degree
of regularity.
Much like seemingly every network sitcom every made, Moolah and Mae Young were cast as “hip” old ladies.
I honestly don’t remember how the relationship came about, but the
point; in the storyline the 400 lbs. Mark Henry was supposedly f’king
the very old, and very frail Mae Young.
Somehow, some way, this resulted in Ms. Young not breaking her hip or being snapped in half; but in becoming pregnant with Mark Henry’s chocolate love child.
After they milked the storyline for all it was worth, the whole thing
came to a head when Mae Young was rushed backstage to delivery the
“baby.”
Mae Young ultimately gave birth to a rubber hand slathered in pink goo.
It was dumb, it was more than a little weird; but it was a product of
a time when I could still proudly say I watched wrestling every week.
Considering how God awful wrestling has been in the past few years,
I’d give a lot to go back to the days of Mae Young pooping out rubber
hands.
Honourable mentions:
Sandmans Cruicifixtion
Big Boss Mans Hanging
CM Punk Takes Paul Bearers ashes.
