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EditorialCyrus's Raw Roundup: June 22nd, 2015

Cyrus’s Raw Roundup: June 22nd, 2015

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Monday Night Cyrus: Indianapolis Edition(a.k.a. No Gays Allowed)

“If anything, we are clearly like Yoda from Star Wars!”
-Jamie Noble

Welcome, welcome. Tonight’s raw takes place in the lovely, albeit boring/flat as hell state of Indiana, and we’re going to start the program with Brock Lezzzznah and Paulie Heyman. Paul gives his usual over the top intro of Brock and then he sends us to what already seems like our 3rd video segment of the evening and we’re only 6 minutes in. That’s what I’ve learned about Brock Lesnar this past year, he’s like 60% video segments recapping what he’s done previously. I guess that works when you’re built like a vending machine and have the haircut of 1980’s Dolph Lundgren. Anywho, the video just basically recaps how he got “suspended”. Paul then says that the Authority have requested that he apologizes to Michael Cole and JBL for attempting to murder them with the announcers table a few months back. He shakes JBL’s hand and gives that jabroni Michael Cole a noogie, which somehow constitutes for an apology. No matter, it counts. Heyman(Fighter of the Nightman) ends the segment with a wonderful soliloquy that involves #BEASTforBusiness and calling Seth Rollins a bitch. Wonderful way to start the show….. Ah Jeans Ambrose is up next to face Kane, a wonderful way to bring the show back down. Excellent.

Match 1: Dean Ambrose(who’s comfortable in Wrangler) vs. Isaac Yankem
The Big Red pair of slacks starts off in control of the match. After throwing punches for 2 minutes Ambrose makes a comeback but is quickly cut off. Kane remains in control for the next few minutes as we go to commercial. Back from Break and Dean is still getting his ass whooped. He makes another quick comeback but Kane cuts him off again with a DDT. You could hear a mousefart in the arena. Ambrose hits Kane with a neckbreaker, and the crowd comes alive. He sends Kane to the outside and hits him with a flying clothesline from the apron. Back in the ring Kane goes for a chokeslam but it’s reversed into the rebound clothesline thingy. He goes for Dirty Deeds but Seth Rollins music hits. He eats an outside dive from Deansie for his troubles. Dean then goes to the top rope, but Kane grabs him and hits him with the chokeslam for the victory. Woo.

After the match we’ve got a backstage segment featuring Big Daddy Kane and Seth. Rollins basically grovels to Kane for some help and Kane just walks off. Enthralling stuff tonight, people.

We see a promo recapping Bray’s new debut single “Teapot”.

Match 2: Prime Time Players vs. ….sigh* The Ascension
Titus starts off with, fuck I don’t know these jabronies names…. the bigger one. He hits him with a scoop slam which seems like half of his moveset, he also peppers in some knife edge chops that are really loud before the big ascension jabroni tags in the little one, which I’m now being told is Viktor. The Ascension is now in control quickly tagging in and out. Konnor(I got both of their names now) locks Titus up in a rest hold that Titus rallies out of and gets the hot tag to Darren. He cleans house for a bit, hits Viktor with the gutcheck? And gets the victory for PTP. They start to celebrate but Sheamus’ music hits. I guess we’re jumping right into another match?

Match 3: Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns
This match should be… stiff. Reigns starts off fast popping Sheamus right in his chops and hitting him with a samoan drop. Sheamus rolls out of the ring and regains his composure. Back in the ring, the Irish Mohawk regains control. He goes for that one move where he just punches the guy in the chest 10 times, which really makes a lot of fucking sense considering Reigns wears a fucking vest. Either way, Reigns reverses it but eats a back breaker for his troubles. Commercial.

Back from commercial, and Reigns is showing off his VAST moveset hitting clothesline after clothesline. He’s a regular Kevin Nash. Sheamus counters out of nowhere with (what else?) a clothesline that sends Reigns to the outside. He rolls him back in the ring, goes for a pin and gets a two count. Sheamus hits Roman with the Irish curse 3 times and gets a near fall. He goes for a submission move?!? It’s reversed but he goes for it again…. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. Reigns gets to the ropes, but Sheamus goes for it a third time and finally gets it(It’s called the cloverleaf, by the way). Reigns fights out of it. Sheamus then starts delivering forearms to the back…dammit Sheamus he’s wearing a fucking vest. Reigns fights back and (surprise) clotheslines Sheamus, sending them both to the outside. He then splatters Sheamus on top of the announce table and the creepy dateline version of Bray Wyatt pops up on the titantron. I’m convinced that Bray just lives inside the titantron.
He acts like he’s talking to Roman’s daughter, and Roman takes off towards the back.

Backstage Roman looks for Bray and somehow finds his Roman Reigns jerkoff room.

Hey look, another backstage segment. This time Sethrey grovels to the J&J security. They tell him to fuck off, as well.

Match 4: Neville vs. Kofi
Kofi controls most of the action early, but eventually he does what he always does and jobs the fuck out. Squatty Neville wins via Red Arrow.

Match 5: King Barrett vs. Zack Ryder
BARRETT WON A FUCKING MATCH!

Guys… John Cena is back. He comes down to the ring to his usual mixed reaction. He’s of course got a mic, and starts off by pumping up the U.S. Championship. That’s funny, I remember Dean Ambrose having the belt for like a year and never defending it, but sure if you say it’s prestigious then I guess it is. He then recaps the events that transpired a couple of weeks ago, and talks down Kevin Owens and calls him a “garbage human being”. He debates Big Kev’s challenge for the U.S. Title for a while and rambles a whole lot, filled with the champion/never give up jargon. Ultimatley he accepts his challenge. SURPRISE. This of course prompts the Kevster to come out. He reiterates that he doesn’t care what Juan Cena or any of the people think about him. He calls himself an evil foreigner and starts speaking goddamn french. Well that’s one way to piss off the crowd. John Cena tells him to fuck off, and starts speaking a multitude of languages. He closes the segment by saying he’s going to kick his ass. Well then.

Backstage Segment: Sethrey now grovels to HHH and Stephanie McMahon(THAT DUMB BITCH). He asks for their help to bring back the unity of the Authority. HHH says an apology might help, which Rollins comically replies “You really think they’d apologize? Cuz that’d go a long way.” HHH tells him to fuck off and tell them that he’s sorry.

Match 6: Ryback vs. Mark Henry

Oh Jesus…. this is going to be a clunky one. Oh and Big Show’s out on commentary, as if this match didn’t have enough working against it already. Match starts off slugglishly. Ryback quickly gains control, which prompts Big Show to start shouting into his headset for Mark Henry to “FIRE UP”. Outside the ring now, and Big Mark throws Rytraps into the barricade as we head to commercial. Back from break, and Ryback is now in control. He goes for the meat hook but is hit with a big boot for his troubles. Big Sexual Chocolate then goes for the World’s Strongest Slam but it’s reversed and he’s hit with the meat hook. Ryback scores the win after hitting a motherfucking frogsplash off the top rope.

Backstage Segment: What in the fuck is a Jo Jo? Whatever it is, it’s interviewing Ryback. He speaks in 3rd person and says he’s got some tricks up his sleeves. He also talks about how his intercontinental championship brought back his estranged parents…..What the hell is going on with Ryback’s fucking character? Big show then waddles up. He calls Ryback a little wittle itty bitty boy, and they start brawling in the back. Ryback gets the upper hand after he slams the Big Slow into… I don’t know, something.

Match 7: 80’s Rock Icon Dolph Ziggler vs. lolololololololol Adam Rose
Adam Rose and Rosa make out before the match… cool. Ziggy starts off strong but is immeadiately cut off and Rose regains control. He starts showboating, and Rosa starts moaning like a ghost on the outside of the ring. He locks up Ziggles in a sleeper hold, but it’s countered with a back suplex. Ziggles makes a comeback, and Rosa is still moaning like a ghost outside the goddamn ring. Adam Rose fights back and regains control. He then attempts a move off the top rop but jumps right into a super kick, giving Ziggler the victory. After the match, Ziggles and Lana make out. Rusev dryheaves in the back and chucks his crutches. He then promptly falls over. Summer Rae of all people then provocatively gives him a crutch back.

Jamie Noble thinks J&J Security are like Yoda from Star Wars.

Main Event Segment: Seth Rollins says he’s sorry(fucking christ)
Welp. I see no other way to end this shitty raw, than with a shitty Authority segment. Rollins sulks out to the ring and says that sometimes it’s easier to pretend that you are right than pretend that you are wrong. So he’s come out here to be the bigger man and admit that he has been wrong. He then asks for the three stooges(Jamie Noble is clearly Curly) to come out so he can apologize. They come down to the ring and – Jesus, Kane you can put on a shirt now everyone else has got one on. He then proceeds to make amends. He tells J&J that their cut from the same shitty cloth and that they’re both champions. He then turns to shirtless Kane and says he’s not a dinosaur and is his favorite WWE superstar of all time. He then asks if they’ll take him back, and BAAAAARAAAAACK LASER comes out. Brock jumps up on the apron and Kane and J&J bail. Swerve, no they didn’t. They attack Lesnah from behind, but it does no good as he quickly dispatches the jobbers. Lesnar then sets his sights on Sethrey and hits him with 3 german suplexes. He goes for the f-5 but Kane comes back and hits him with a chokeslam but Brock no sells it. Kane goes for another one but Brock hits him with a german suplex. Rollins comes back and Lesnar tries to F-5 him again but Kane takes his legs out. They put the boots to him and Kane hits him in the leg with a chair. Then Mercury awakens from the dead and now he’s joining in on the beat down. Rollins hits him with the flying knee, a pedigree and raises the title. End show…. I guess Noble must be dead.

Raw Rating: 2 Kevin Sullivans out of 10


DEAD WRASSLER OF THE WEEK: FACKIN’ DOINK
CAUSE OF DEATH: DRUG OVERDOSE

MUST WATCH WRASSLIN’ VIDEO OF THE WEEK!
Kevin Nash tells a story about hash…. Kevin Hash?

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