Monday Night Cyrus: Cleveland Edition(At least it’s not Detroit!)
“Ugh, I’ve got Miz all over me!”
-Ryback
We’re live folks from the cesspool known as Cleveland. And we begin the evening with a tribute to the late Dusty Rhodes. Out of respect, I will resume my dick and fart joke review of Raw after this segment has completed.
We start of tonight’s program with Raw is Rollins. The spandex champ walks his way to the ring to a chorus of boos. He then proceeds to cut a pretty alright promo about how he retained his title all by himself and he wants to thank a few jabronies. And wouldn’t you know it this smug bonerfart thanks himself first… then second… then third. God dammit, that was good. He then proceeds to call J&J dumb and dumber, and Kane the Devil’s favorite Dinosaur. Finally he caps it off by calling Johnny Manziel(who’s stupidly in attendance) Johnny Idiot. Jean Ambrosia finally comes out to interrupt. They start brawling outside the ring and eventually Rollins runs off. Dean then grabs a chair and sits in the ring, and says he’s not leaving until Rollins comes back as we go to commercial.
Back from commercial, and Ambrose is still sitting in the middle of the Ring. We then cut to the back as Ballin’ Rollins is pleading to the Helmsley’s to make the CEO of Levi Strauss leave the ring. They basically tell him to fack off.
Sheamooooose is out next to deal with Dino. He yells some Irish bullshit(I can never understand him) and we’re going to have a match.
Match 1: Rocksteady vs. Deansie
Match starts with Sheamus working over Dean’s leg that’s “hurt”. After a quick comeback by Ambrose, Sheamus promptly cuts him off and now both men are outside the ring. Some sloppy brawling occurs and both men make their way back in the Ring. Sheamus hits Ambrose with a half-assed brogue kick and we go to yet another commercial break. Back from break and Sheamus has Dean in some fucked up looking rest hold. Dean Jeans quickly regains control and then- HOLY SHIT. Is Byron Saxton on commentary? I just noticed. Fack, he needs to just go away. Back to the match, Sheamus has Ambrose in a submission hold of sorts. Ambrose gets out of it and the action picks up for a bit. Dean goes for dirty deeds but Sheamus rolls out of the ring like he’s going to leave. This props Randy Bo Bandy Orton to come out distracting Sheamus enough for Ambrose to get the roll up and the win. Afterwards Randers beats the piss out of Sheamus.
Backstage, Sethrey Rollins attempts to talk shit to J&J security telling them they should beg for their jobs back. Then something truly magical happens, and Joey Mercury says what I assume are his first words ever. I didn’t even know that Mercury knew how to speak. DON’T FUCK WITH THE MERCURY.
Match 2: R-Truth vs. Barrett
R-Truth beat Barrett in 25 seconds…. god dammit.
Out next is the tubster Kevin Owens. He stomps his way down to the ring, and promptly grabs a microphone. He starts by saying John Cena isn’t here tonight. The crowd lets out a collective sigh of relief. He then goes on and on about how Cena disrespected him by shaking his hand(wait.. what?) and telling him that he belongs in the WWE, so therefore Owens had no choice but to attack him. Owens then offers up his open challenge. Dolph Ziggles then decides come out with Lana. He then starts yelling at Owens and jerking off Cleveland simultaneously. He answers Owens open challenge but then right at the last minute Owens says that he never said his open challenge would be for the NXT title so therefore it’s a non-title match. So basically, Kevin Owens’ character is an insecure middleschooler.
Match 3: Dolph “Jean Jacket” Ziggler vs. Kevin “I drank too much Fruitopia” Owens
Back from commercial and the match has already started and Owens has Ziggles in a rest hold. Owens maintains control for the next couple of minutes. Ziggles makes a comeback and then it’s all Owens for the next few mintues as we go to commercial. Back from commercial and Dolph has regained some life. He kicks big Kev in the chops for a near fall. He then hits a fame-asser for another near fall. Out of nowhere Owens hits the Bleach Boy with a big German suplex and then the cannonball in the corner. He goes for the pop up powerbomb but it’s countered with the Zig Zag, but Owens kicks out at 2. Owens then hits him with the powerbomb and it’s a 1-2-3 victory for the rotund one.
Backstage divas segment: Oh fuck off.
Match 4: Randerino Orton vs. Van Heusen’s favorite Demon Kane.
I’ve seen these two wrestle so much that I think I’ve reached the point where nothing either of them do interests me in the least. You can hear crickets throughout the first few minutes of the match as Kane is mostly in control. Kane eventually goes for a chokeslam but Orton reverses it and now he is in control. He goes for the hangman ddt but Sheamus decides to come out. Kane then grabs a mic and decides that this is now a no-holds barred match. Sheamooose quickly clobbers Orton with a brogue kick and Kane gets the win.
Match 5: Big Show vs. The Mizard of Oz (Rybatch is on commentary)
Jesus, keep Ryback off commentary forever please. I can’t decide if Ryback referring to himself in third person is great or goddamn awful. As for the match, it’s pretty goddamn awful for the most part. Ryback is way too talkative over at commentary but does give us the best line of the evening as he exclaims “I’ve got Miz all over me!” when Big Show tosses Miz into his lap. This causes an intense(but not really) staredown between Big Show and Ryback as Miz rolls into the ring to win via countout. Holy shit the Miz won.
Romando Reigns comes out in his kevlar, and calls out Bray Wyatt. Silly Roman, you gotta know by now that Bray does all his promo work via titantron, baby! Bray appears and cuts a very long, very drawn out, Bray Wyatt type promo. What’s sad is that I can no longer tell when one of these is good anymore. I’d like to think this one was okay, but let’s be honest I have no idea.
There was a divas match and something called a Machine Gun Kelly at this point but I changed the channel because I’m a normal person.
Okay so I’m back and this poorman’s Macklemore is performing… and Macklemore sucks. After the performance Kevin “the juggalo” Owens comes out, and gets in Machine Gun Kelly’s face. They exchange words, and he power bombs him off the stage. Well, his performance was absolutely dreadful but props to the guy for actually taking a bump. Fucking great, turned something terrible and made it great.
Match 6: Neville Longbottom and the Prime Time Pimps vs. The New Day Church Revival
It’s Professor Xavier and Darren Young to start off this six man tag match. Darren is in control for the start and he quickly tags in Titus. He slings Xavier and Big Eeeeephus out of the ring, and that squatty carny Neville gives us an outside dive as we go to commercial. Back from commercial and it’s mostly a back and forth affair for a while. Neville gets a hot tag, and then so does Titus before Kofi cuts them off. Darren hits his finisher on Kofi and tags in the man that fashion forgot. He hits the flippy move from the corner and gets the victory.
Backstage Deansie trolls Kane for being such a goddamn puss. He basically asks him where his balls went. We cut to Triple H and Steph(that dumb bitch) WALKING! They’re going to tell us who is going to job to Seth Rollins. COMMERCIAL, god damn you Subway Jared.
And here they come, that dumb bitch Steph is going to speak first. She apologizes for Kevin “the chubbster” Owens’ actions against Machine Gun Kelly. Terra Ryzing then assures us that Jamie Noble, Joey Mercury, Kane or Deansie will not be his opponent. This prompts Seth Plisken to come down. He reiterates that he can beat anybody. HHH says maybe you’re right, bro. But they think he’s got one more thing to prove. He talks about investments and lumps of coal or some shit and starts to lose me but then he finally gets around to his point, which involves diamonds. BROOOOOOCKKKKK LASERS music its and out comes the Beast of Jimmy
John’s along with the Walrus. He stomps around the ring, and eventually gets in prompting HHH and Steph(dumb bitch, yeah yeah) to leave. Brock gets right up on him and Stephanie Rollins won’t look
him in the eye. Rollins backs away, and out of the ring. He slowly back pedals up the ramp and we’ve got our main event set for Battleground.
Raw Rating
4 shit storms out of 10 (Good ending, but overall abysmal show)
Dead Wrassler of the Week: The Junkyard Dog
Cause of Death: FACKING Car Wreck.
Must Watch Wrasslin’ Video of the Week!
Chris Kanyon Kanyon Cutters ERRRYBODY
Kanyon Cutter Montage by strobogo
