WARNING: The following article could contain elements of Sarcasm, Satire, Irony, Black Comedy and Dark or Sick Humor. Please familiarize yourself with these concepts before commenting.
Hello reader,
Been a while, hasn’t it? Truth is I’ve been trying to give WWE the benefit of the doubt during Wrestlemania season while working on my anger issues over their product through various methods (alcohol, drugs, spree killing etc.). Also I’ve truthfully been writing elsewhere (more on that later).
For this reboot edition of my as-I-feel-like-it series of posts that alternate between ham fisted attempts at serious analysis and juvenile humor, I’d like to start with a discussion about John Cena.
Now, when someone tells me they like wrestling and follow up with John Cena as their favorite wrestler; I usually react like this…
When I started writing about wrestling online I honestly believed that there were no John Cena fans left in the IWC; but there are. And they’re possibly the scariest people out there.
Now, me just typing anything that could be taken as a slight to Cena (no matter the tenuousness of the thought process that led them there), let alone the stuff I’ve said already, is like a red rag to a bull for them. They’re like ninjas; you don’t even know they’re there until they want you too and it’s too late. I won’t be surprised if some of them stop reading at the meme and shoot straight down to the comments to defend their hero in a poorly spelt comment that uses the word “hater” & seems to indicate they can’t separate what they see on TV from reality, ending with a John Cena T-shirt quote ALL IN CAPITALS AND WITH FAR TOO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being serious for a moment; yes I am not a Cena fan and would rather have my testicles removed with a blunt spoon than sit through another Cena World Title run. But I get that people are & I don’t really have a problem with that despite not seeing the situation the same way as them. After all…
As a Brit I found it very entertaining that WWE played the ” ‘MURICA!!! ” card with the video played before John Cena’s entrance only for the crowd (which despite the more international crowd drawn by Wrestlemania would still have been predominantly American) to STILL boo the bejesus out of him.
I don’t think WWE quite gets it in regard to this guy, going as far to acknowledge that crowds are at best mixed, if not outright hostile, when it comes to Cena. And don’t get me started on Cena addressing it in his promos and saying he respects our right to react to him how we want; every time I hear that I want to punch Nikki Bella in the ovaries.
This, of course, segways us into the old chestnut of a John Cena heel turn. But, anti-Cena brigade, do we really want to see that? Truly?
People like to compare this situation to where Hulk Hogan was before he turned heel and founded the nWo; but they forget the other side of that equation.
A John Cena heel turn, if executed as well as that one, would, just as it did for Hogan in WCW, lead to the Wold Title scene & WWE programming being dominated by John Cena yet again.
I understand the logic behind the anti-Cena brigade wanting to see this because at least if we’ve got to put up with him they could do something different with him. But would it be that different? He’d still never lose and probably hog the WWE World Heavyweight Title harder than ever (again, like Hogan); a heel turn is papering over the cracks at best.
I assume that, again like the Hogan turn, people hope that a Cena turn would lead to a change in direction that eventually leads to a period akin to The Attitude Era; that simply won’t be the case while Vince McMahon is still in charge and is debatable at best if Triple H & Stephanie take up the reigns as assumed.
Vince is almost fixated with this John Cena character; even when he’s not in the World Title picture, like now, he has more time than most and still never loses. I almost feel the move to the US Title and the subsequent open challenges is just so Cena can beat the guys he usually wouldn’t face to cement him as “The Guy”
The point of moving a big star out of the picture is to give their usual time to someone else to try to get over; yet Cena has retained his time while those who could get over in his stead get no more or even less.
While I may have been harsh on Cena here, I do have a begrudging respect for the man because of all the charity stuff he does and how he comes across in non-scripted interviews outside of WWE. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s all about money (especially as it was reported that his pre-nup with his ex-wife included a clause that she had to return all gifts to him; I can understand slapping Nikki with something like that, but his high school sweetheart?) and as long as he’s making serious bank we’re just going to have to put up with him.
But, pro & anti-Cea camps, can we agree to disagree and call a truce while we’re on the websites like this? I know I’ve said inflammatory remarks here, all intended in the medium of humor, but I truly am sick of seeing us tear lumps out of each other in the comments section over this situation.
I genuinely have done my best to not talk about Cena in the past because of how heated it gets; but you don’t see it, do you? THIS is how the WWE is keeping us under the thumb. We, as in both the fan base and the IWC (a distinction that I feel grows more tenuous every day), do not have a united voice. Until we do they won’t listen.
Which brings me to…
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate Roman Reigns. I think he was unlucky to get injured when he did and miss out on a few months of character building before his Rumble win. It would still have been too soon but it made his situation worse because he didn’t get that time to try and connect with the fans.
I intended to rip on Reigns a bit but it feels like poking a dead cat with a stick; plus his promo on Raw FINALLY showed some personality and likeability. He always needed more building up & hopefully, with him out of the title picture for now, he’ll get the time to develop, especially his in ring repertoire which consists of two moves if you’re being generous (I have a problem calling a punch a move, Superman or not). At least Cena, for all we deride him, has five moves of doom and tries something new now and again.
Sometimes a video says more than words ever could…
Oh well; hopefully he can build on his move set during his next feud which seems to be against… Oh, right, never mind then. Hopefully the feud AFTER that one.
One last thing; why the epic, I-could-drive-a-truck-through-it pause after “Believe…”? Any pause longer than a beat there just makes it sound stupid.
Finally, before closing up and heading off into t’internet, here’s a random grab bag of thoughts. Some serious, some not so:
- Well done WWE for pulling a great Wrestlemania out of your arse after that lackluster build up. It was so much better than it had any right to be.
- Speaking of arse; why in the blue hell are Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler fighting in a “Kiss My Arse” match at Extreme Rules? Surely, given Sheamus’ new Dr. Zoidberg do, a hair versus hair match would have been a better fit?
- Quick prediction: Bray Wyatt’s promos are about Ryback. Everyone else of note that he hasn’t feuded with yet is tied up in a feud. Way to come down from facing The Undertaker…
- I’d never seen The Ascension before they hit the main roster but I remember everyone raving about them from NXT. My reaction? Meh… Maybe too many other people reacted the same way; we need to be cautious about which NXT stars we make our darlings here in the IWC. Clearest indicator that WWE is going to bury them when they hit the main roster is us harping on about them.
- Got to love WWE logic. Serve up all the home grown wrestlers to the, as always, on fire London crowd, only to have them all beaten or beat down post match. Makes one think that Vince McMahon’s tweet about loving London may have been trolling.
- Can someone get Michael Cole accurate travel times next time he’s in the UK? Okay, he got the travel time from London to Norwich about right (though he still, after a year, doesn’t know how to say Norwich) but Preston in an hour and Newcastle in three? Get f*$%!d! More like three and five to seven respectively. Comes across as ignorant and insincere patronization when you can’t get small details like that right. Almost as bad as Jerry Lawler last year spouting off the opinions of his racist cab driver (a British tradition) about Bulgarians as representative of the opinions of the country as a whole and not, as they are in actuality, the views of the 12-18% who may vote for UKIP.
- Why is everything in WWE so flat and lifeless at the moment? It comes to something when a Randy Orton Tweener turn is the thing with the most life in it on the show.
- If Bray Wyatt can raise scarecrows to life, why can’t he raise Andre The Giant from the dead to kick The Big Show’s ass for daring to claim to be better than him?
- “He will punch you, He will Spear you…” Sorry; it’s stuck in my head now.
- Anyone else notice that R-Truth has disappeared from TV post ‘Mania quicker than he was shoehorned into the IC title picture before it? Nope? Just me? Okie-dokey…
- The New Day? They teased a new Nation of Domination and we got THAT. WWE hates you children, it really does…
- What does Dean Ambrose have to do to win a match these days? And no; Adam Rose doesn’t count.
But that’s just what I think; how about you?
But before I send you to the comments to, as always, take part in the conversation there’s one more thing to address.
If, for some reason, you like what you’ve read then I’d like to draw your attention to some of my work for WhatCulture; where I am a contributor in both the WWE and Video Games sections. Here’s some links if you’re curious:
Who do the stats say is the best in the Royal Rumble?
Mortal Kombat Guest Fighter Rumors
Again; thank you for joining me on my chronicle of my public descent into madness. The ship’s going down and it’s taking you all with it. M’wa Ha HAAAAA!!!
Thanks for reading
Until Next Time
JJKH
