Today, Americans will be going to the polls to decide between seemingly two of the worst options out there to become our next President of the United States. It’s a depressing thought to have come down to this pool to pick from, so let’s distract ourselves with something about professional wrestling while we still can!
Since it’s Election Day and one of the candidates is a WWE Hall of Famer—how insane is that—if you had the choice to write in anybody else related to WWE’s history to include on the ballot, who would it be? There are plenty of people over the years that have had gimmicks revolving around politics in some capacity, so while the polls might be as rigged as the voting on Taboo Tuesday and Cyber Sunday, who would get your vote?
While brainstorming about this, here are a few names I figured we could toss into the lineup:
(NOTE: This is in jest and only for fun. Don’t go crazy arguing real politics in the comments.)
The McMahon Family
Can you imagine how crazy things would be if The First Family consisted of the McMahons? So far, Linda is the only one with any true political background, although there were actual pundits speculating whether Donald Trump would pick Vince McMahon as his running mate, funny enough.
You thought the Bush or Kennedy lineage was odd, but when you dig into Vince’s history of kidnapping his daughter, the 4-corner McMahon feud at WrestleMania, Shane and Stephanie’s sibling rivalry and all the other hijinks from WWE’s past, this becomes some kind of weird hybrid akin to The Rockefellers mixed with The Osbournes.
Bob Backlund
That’s MR. Bob Backlund to you voters. This man was and still is a complete and utter lunatic. This WWE Hall of Famer is currently doing his best to make Darren Young great again, and even though that isn’t working out all that well, he can still take more of a beating in the ring than most people half his age.
“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase & I.R.S.
Everybody’s got a price, so what would it cost for you to vote for this duo? Ted DiBiase was a man who got things done. When he couldn’t win the world championship, he paid someone to win it for him. When that was taken away from him, he created his own title! We’ve had our fair share of lawyers and career politicians, but a good portion of the country is arguing that it’s time for a businessman to take over. If that’s what you’re looking for, who better than the guy who hasn’t filed for bankruptcy after all these years, which is more than can be said about Virgil nowadays.
Out of everyone he’s been associated with over the years, his best right-hand man was definitely I.R.S., who always had his back and never tried to usurp his position. This guy could turn any situation into a pun about money, so with this financial crisis we’re in right now, who else would you trust to work with the Department of the Treasury and to formulate the right tax plans we need right now?
It’s time to create the Money Inc party.
John “Bradshaw” Layfield
Maybe the two candidates above are just too much for you. Maybe you like the idea of a rich businessman who kicks basketballs away from little kids, but that I.R.S. guy is suspicious since one of his kids turned out to be a swamp wizard and the other is…whatever Bo Dallas is…
If that’s the situation you’re stuck in, well we’ve got the next best thing: JBL!
He and his wife are financial analysts for Fox News, so he already has a built-in platform to get his agenda across, having made appearances as a guest panelist on all sorts of networks to discuss everything from politics to the Federal Reserve (the true winners in any election). He’s the longest running champion in SmackDown history and a wrestling God, so that should appeal to the religious folk. Plus, if you are looking for someone with a strong emphasis on picking on Michael Cole, he’s your guy.
JBL blends his red state Texan roots with the blue state New York he would eventually call his home, making him someone who crosses party lines. If you’re worried about the country’s security, just call the APA.
Abraham Washington
Brian Jossie had a short stint in WWE under a variety of different names all revolving around the same basic concept: let’s just merge Barack Obama with arguably the two most famous presidents of all time, Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. He threw a bit of Saddam Hussein in there for a hot minute, but that was rather quickly dropped.
A.W. was an entertaining manager and a terrible talk show host for the ECW brand back in 2009-2010 before moving on to work with Primo and Epico, dropping them a month later in favor of The Prime Time Players. Soon after that, he cracked a few too many jokes (namely the one about Kobe Bryant) and then was too outspoken about Linda McMahon’s campaign, leading to his release.
Fake Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton was already the leader of the country, but the Bill Clinton impersonator from WrestleMania X and Survivor Series 1995 was never given his shot in the Oval Office (insert joke). The real one cannot be elected to another term, so the way to get around that rule is to have the impostor take the position instead. There’s been a fake Hillary Clinton, a fake Barack Obama and plenty of others, but if my memory serves me correct, the Bill Clinton impressionist is the only one to make multiple appearances that span years, as he appeared again in 2008, which was the last time we’ve seen him. He’s due for a return, although this time around, he probably wouldn’t want to ogle Sunny anymore.
Mr. America / Hulk Hogan
Spoiler alert: they’re the same guy. I know, right?! Mind blown. No candidate is without controversy, so if you’re looking for someone to elect who can check off a ton of scandals, Hulk Hogan is your man! Mr. America is the wrestling equivalent of Uncle Sam, since The Simpsons already took Uncle Slam off the table. Tons of countries have figureheads that don’t actually do anything but act as the public face for the government, so why not just go with a guy dressed up in an American flag?
Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Poor Hacksaw Jim Duggan would never make it past the primaries, but he’d be one of those insanely entertaining weirdos who is hilarious to watch on the campaign trail. Several years ago, Howard Dean lost his support by simply saying “Yeah!” too enthusiastically, meanwhile Duggan has made a career out of carrying around a 2×4 and an American flag chanting “USA!” and “tough guy”—classic.
I picture him being WWE’s equivalent of the “rent is too damn high” dude, whatever his name was.
Lex Luger
Lex Luger is the longest reigning United States champion in the belt’s history in both single reigns (523 days) and combined length (948 days over all 5 of his runs). This guy was a huge deal for a few years, taking on the responsibility of being the replacement Hulk Hogan, representing the partnership between American pride and muscles.
How great would it be to see The Lex Express come back for a campaign tour?
Jesse Ventura
He ain’t got time to bleed, but he does have time to expose conspiracy theories, so if you want someone who can fill you in on what’s really behind Area 51 while also putting former WWF President Gorilla Monsoon in his place, he’s your guy.
Joking aside, Jesse Ventura is the only person on this list that could actually ever be in the conversation for legitimately running for office, considering his tenure as Governor of Minnesota from 1999 to 2003 and Mayor of Brooklyn Park from 1991 to 1995 before that. He considered running for president this year as a Libertarian, but for some reason, never did. We can only assume the former Captain Freedom has been busy fighting in another round of The Running Man instead of running for office.
What do you think of this ballot? Who would get your vote? Would you write someone like Kane in, or do you think Iran is #1 and would vote for Iron Sheik instead? Are you voting for Rhyno in the real election he’s in right now?
Drop your comments below and whatever you do for the real election, remember: at least Alberto Del Rio and Zeb Colter aren’t trying to redo the MexAmerica gimmick anymore.
