by, 02-26-2013 at 07:20 PM (7272 Views)
So it's nearly that time of year again when we the "WWE Universe" (vomit, puke, boke) when we WRESTLING fans look forward to the biggest and supposesdly "best" wrestling card of the year, eagerly counting down the weeks til game day. And while I'm sure many of you are looking forward to the "showcase of the immortals" I for one am not.
Lets be clear, the card will no doubt appeal to anyone under the age of fifteen but proper wrestling fans will be left feeling cheated. Yes I am aware that the card has not been set in stone just yet but with a few matches confirmed (and bad matches at that) I think it's safe to say this card will rival Wrestlemania XXVII as the worst of all time.
The main event IS set in stone and is the single reason why this Wrestlemania WILL be absolutely terrible. "Twice In A Lifetime" or if you buy into all that WWE hype, it's the hilariously titled "Greatness V Redemption"(the worst tagline for a match in recent memory) match that we're all sooooooooo eager to see involving Dwayne V Superman, after the absolute wrestling classic that these two put on last year how could we not want to see a rematch? How could we not want to see Superman win the title from Dwayne which will ONE MILLION PER CENT happen? How could we not want to see the inevitable vomit inducing kid pleasing handshake and hug at the end when Superman wins the day and the torch is passed to him for the hundred millionth time? How could we not look forward to the same old spiel for the next six weeks:
Superman: "I need to win Dwayne, I HAVE TO WIN DWAYNE!" all while staring pensively at the camera as if he's just been told he's got weeks to live. (Also more than likely in an empty arena to give off the underdog role which he will no doubt be playing), expect the commentators to add to the drama by questioning if Cena has "IT" anymore. Rewind and insert said promo in every Raw leading up til Wrestlemaniyawn, sorry Wrestlemania.
Dwayne: "Last year as good as you were I was simply better" and at Wrestlemania your quest for redemption will fail" blah blah blah. Rewind and insert said promo in every Raw leading up til Wrestlemania.
Fast forward six weeks to the "Blandest Stage Of Them All" where no doubt we'll be treated to a semi concert where each wrestler has a recording artist performing to a cheesy video in the same vein as last year showcasing each wrestler's "journey" to the big dance. After what will seem like an eternity of waiting, we'll get the usual fifteen minute staredown before any contact is made, after all the staring, we'll move to a test of strength type contest with each wrestler getting one over on the other to really give you that 50/50 "who's gonna win?" feel (cough Superman).
Anyways on we go til it gets a bit dirtier with each wrestler trying their best to get the win, with neither really getting the upperhand. On we go to the point were they try and better last year's "classic" with each stealing each other's finishing moves in the same way Austin and Rock did (only they did it better) til we finally get to the point where Superman wins with an FU of the top rope or something as dramatic. Cue Cole and Lawler creaming their pants as if they've just been told they've won the lottery, all while over emphasizing the fact that it's been the worst year of Superman's life and "the champ is finally here".
Cut music when we see Dwayne stumbling to his feet, Superman is right there, inches from his face, it looks like they're gonna kiss, but they shake hands and hug, all while the kids in the audience are ludicrously happy and hysterical, both men raise hands, Dwayne leaves the ring so Superman can revel in the occasion, and goes back to Hollywood, and we as Wrestling fans are left to watch Superman hold the title for the fifteen hundredth time and watch the same old spiel we've seen during every single one of Superman's title runs: Superman The Underdog, Superman The Survivior and Superman The Hero.
As always thanks for reading, any comments/banter/critcism is welcome.