13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go

[ndqw]

Super Baker’s Dozen Spectacular
August 6th, 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 200 languages and American dialects


“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. via pinfall after hitting Rest In Pieses (Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match


At the start of the show Jay Briscoe and Mark Briscoe attacked #1 contender to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, Francis Barbecue backstage.


Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac drew, when the time limit expired, they were both near verbally submitted to each other’s submission maneuvers. (Neil had a Boston Crab, Maniac had a Two-Handed Testicular Claw) They shook hands afterward.


“The Submission Warrior” Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) was with “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) backstage, they joked about Andy Ridge’s alcohol problem, and informed us that in the future there will be no need for that crud.


“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) d. “SSAW Original” Chucky Blaze via pinfall after hitting God’s Last Gift to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship, after the match Vio Lent and Exe Cution surrounded Blaze, Vio Lent took a slender piece of masking tape out from his trunks while Exe Cution held Blaze’s arms down. Ridge climbed over the barricade and knocked down Vio Lent with a Yakuza Kick before he could put the tape on Blaze’s face. Andy chased them off and picked up a microphone he said he was going to ditch his bad habits and go to rehab, and when he comes back he will take his championship from Vio Lent.


“The Agent” Mild Walsh was with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh explained that tonight Jimmy Jacobs being the biggest bully in SSAW will come to an end. He said that in the submission match next Kyle will make Jimmy tap like a beach when he puts him in the Guillotine and makes him cough blood, just like the bullies Shawn Daivari and Jeremy Madrox did.


“Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly d. “The Emo Warrior” Jimmy Jacobs when Jacobs tapped like a beach to the Guillotine after the match Jacobs coughed blood onto the referee while Walsh and O’Reilly celebrated.


“The People’s Super Awesome Comish.” The Rock came from the back with a sullen look, he said due to an attack backstage that happened at the start of the show, Francis Barbecue will not be able to compete tonight, and with Gene Barbecue currently on leave he will be forced to change tonight’s main event, and vacate the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships. The new champions will be determined next, and the two teams will be drawn out of a hat. RIGHT NOW. The Briscoe Brothers were pulled out first, then the team of DH Smith and TJP. And who’s challenging the Global Warrior Champion? He states that’s a surprise.


“Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe d. “The Canadian Bulldog” David Hart Smith and “Lightning Quick” TJP via pinfall after Mark hit DH Smith with Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press), to win the vacant SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships, Smith grabbed a microphone after the match and called out Exe Cution, he said he is an imposter and that there is only one David Hart Smith. A solar panel falls from the dome and lands on DH, our ringside medic tends to DH as we move on to our main event.


“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett d. “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute via pinfall after he reversed Torrential Tri Bute (Choke Slam) into a Spike DDT to retain the SSAW Global Warrior Championship. JBC kissed the belt and took the microphone.


“Guys, let’s have a round of applause for Tri Bute, he did his best. Sure, I kicked his butt tonight, and I kicked his butt last time at TLC 2, and I kicked his butt at the 150th Show Spectacular, and I kicked his butt the other two times as well. He did his best though. How did he get the shot tonight anyway?”


Tri Bute gets up, and stares coldly at JBC, he doesn’t find this amusing. He steps forward and shoves JBC, and snatches the microphone from JBC.


“Shut the flip up. I get your point, you think I suck, that I’m a wash-up who’s past his prime. I’m before my prime, and we’re talking 10000 years before my prime, you have no idea what I’m going to do in the future, and when we get there everyone will forget you Johnny Boy, when my great-grandfather taught me about the greatest SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR champions of all time, he told me all about “The Conqueror” Michael Elgin, all about “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, all about SPOILER ALERT “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly, but nothing about “Bear What?” John Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your title reign is nothing.


AND THEN, when my great-granddad was done I went out that door, trained my flipping hardest and 10 years later on my 20th Birthday, August 9th 10,020 at the Super 8010 Year Spectacular, I won the Key of Destiny Match, I unlocked the Box of Truth, after solving the Ancient Riddle of Zorc, and I unlocked the greatest prize of all time, that match was the final battle in our War Against the Zondian Truth Bots, and that match that saved the Earth from flipping dangnation made my career marked my destiny and I became the Inagural SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion. And I carried the belt for 15 years destroying the best fighters across the universe. I’ve wrestled matches on the moon, Sol, Uranus, Saturn, and I made Chuck Norris my beach when I laid him in Honolulu.


On my 35th birthday some Zondian Truth Bots kidnapped me and I had to vacate the title. The rebellion was rising again; they left me to starve 40 light years away in some distant planet while they built up their army that would take over the Earth, and then the rest of the tri-galaxy. I ate dirt. And lots of it, I could feel it inside my body. I searched all over the planet for civilization, a rocket, anything to eat besides dirt, but all I’ve ever found were ashes. The Zondian Truth Bots burned everything down. I curled up in a ball and thought about my 15 years as King of the Universe, all the women I forced, all the children I enslaved, all the baby seals I clubbed, all the dukes I STABBED in the back in the name of Zeusrion the creator, all the men I de-weinerfied and most of all my great-grandfather I sent to the gallows because his shirt was too similar to mine.


I had to get it back, JBC. So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, but I was too late the Zondian, Ali En was the new king after defeating Mac Ncheese, in a Key of Destiny Match. They took over, those dirty baskets and freed my slaves, re-weinerfied my men, and used a revival spell to bring back my great-granddad. ALL WAS LOST. I had to start all over, I almost put a Psy-Bullet in the Pink of my head, but then I realized there’s nothing better than starting all over again. So I apologized for all the people I hurt they let me wrestle again, and I went on to become King 7,999 more times each reign was longer than the last, but I never quite got to 15 years again. Every time I became King again I sentenced my great-granddad to death and they kept bringing him back, I had his body parts buried in different deserts all across the universe, but when I was dethroned they always found them.


The 8000th Time, I entered his hut while riding my Heelies, but he knew I was coming. But this time I wasn’t going to kill him.


I was going to murder his flippin’ face off, rip him limb from limb. I was going to have my child slaves send him 40 light years away to some distant planet with nothing but dirt the same one I was sent to all those years ago, and he would never find his way back, for he is not as crafty as I. He can’t make planes like I can, He never wrestled on Sol like I’ve down thousands of times.


He wasn’t in his hut that day. I found a note on his bed it read,


“Dear, Tri Bute


I’ve seen enough of life, and I’ve seen enough of death, I’ve been to heck and back several times, I’ve also been to heaven, but just once. Last time, they brought me back against my wishes I wanted to stay but they took me out. I know you’ll keep searching for me, but I’m sure if you find me and kill me I will go back, waiting for you to come out of power and be brought back to live here again, while you seek me out again, it will never end Butey. Why do you want to kill the man who made you love wrestling, who made you King of the Universe, through my guidance? Is it really that shirt thing you claim?”


I stopped reading there, I didn’t want to here anymore, he’s acting like he didn’t deserve to die? It’s the law; NO ONE wears clothes like me EVER. I have my own unique style, and he was trying to mooch off of my SWAG, I don’t care if you’re family. I don’t care what you teach me. I don’t care that you take credit for MY accomplishments. I ripped the note into 15 pieces then burned down his hut, and then the next hut, and then the next hut. I went home and killed all my slaves, shot all my wives DEAD with Psy-Bullets sent all the priests to the gallows and officially banned fun throughout the universe.


But, that wasn’t enough to teach my great-granddad a lesson.


So I came here to destroy SSAW, and change the course of history. Go flip yourself Johnny.”


Tri Bute kicked JBC in the nuts and he fell over clutching them.


“Holy Flip!” shouts Johnny Buckson!


The scene fades to black.

[ndqw]

Dear Diary, (Part 1)


I flippin’ went off on JBC that August night. I was under a lot of pressure, getting my butt kicked to heck and back isn’t really my style, when JBC broke my undefeated streak the first time I fought him, it crushed my guts.


Not to long ago, I realized something odd. As a kid I always knew I would go back in time at one point, since grand-dad told me there was a guy named Tri Bute back in the past, and he was a great Global Warrior Champion, better than Kyle O’Reilly and Flanders, I wasn’t named after this guy, I was this guy, the guy who claimed to be an 8000 time champ of a belt that hadn’t been invented yet. It was my destiny to go back in time and take the past.


But what’s happening now isn’t what grand-dad said happened or I would of won the Global Warrior belt like 6 or 7 months ago, then lost it to JBC again. Something is interfering with the past. Nothing is going as planned. Flip this on the 9/11 tri bute show I dine on TJ Perkins some loser who is almost a triple crown champion or something. What he doesn’t know, is that I have a trap waiting for him, and as soon as he flip summons, normal summons or special summons, I’m flipping it over. At Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14, I’m activating Torrential Tri Bute and there’s nothing Perky can do to stop me.


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”


Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14
September 11th 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 260 languages and American dialects!


“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Austin Creed, when he hit Creed with Sweet Cancer Music (Superkick) and pinned his shoulders for three in the dark match.


In the opening PPV bout, “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews went up against “Mr. Super Kick” Matt Vaughn in a #1 contender match, the winner facing whoever walks out of tonight’s main event as champion for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship at Centre City Slam 14 next month. Matthews was accompanied to the ring by “Unbreakable” Michael Elgin and his girlfriend the former commissioner Akira Criss. Elgin and Criss distracted the referee and helped Matthews cheat throughout the match. It finally came to a close when Criss distracted the referee while Shane punched Matt Vaughn in the dock several times and rolled him up for a three count while tugging the tights. Shane Matthews and the rest of No Gimmick Needed headed to the back before Vaughn could do anything about Shane’s cheating.


“The 8000 Time King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute comes out from the back with a microphone and talks butt about TJ Perkins, then says something about the trap card he set last turn. “Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be a good idea to Normal Summon, Flip Summon, or Special Summon”, Tri Bute rolls into the ring and “Lightning Quick” TJP runs out and all the fan girls start screaming. As soon as TJP enters the ring he starts kicking butt. As the match continues Tri Bute takes over locking in advanced fighting technique submission maneuvers from the future, one includes tickling Perkins’ belly with a feather. The crowd gets behind TJP and he is able to elbow out of the hold, but Tri Bute crushes his comeback just as quickly with a Deadlift German Suplex for a nearfall. Tri Bute pulls TJP to his feet, but Perkins tries to push away so Butey pokes his eyes. The referee gives him a warning for that. Butey decides to throw TJP into the referee. As the referee falls to the ground Tri Bute pretends this wasn’t his intention and asks the referee if he is all right. The referee doesn’t answer and Butey checks his pulse to make sure his hecklacious throw TJP into the referee move didn’t kill him. He has a heart beat, that’s great! Tri Bute picks up a stone chair from ringside and smashes it over TJP’s head. WWE just recently banned stone chair shots to the head and we like to show how edgy we are and have at least 1 every show. Tri Bute goes for the pin on TJP while the referee is regaining consciousness, but Teej kicks out at the one after uno. Butey spits in TJP’s face, and chains with Dark Bribe allowing TJP to draw one card but negating the effect of his “Resiliency”. Tri Bute lifts TJP to his feet and grabs him by the neck and screams “YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD BEACH” and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), Butey pins Teej and puts a leg on the rope for some extra leverage. The referee is too out of it to see this and counts the three giving Tri Bute the victory.


Johnny Buckson: Oh Flip, Ship, ship, what is Butey doing now?


Tri Bute pulls out a piece of masking tape from his tights.


Jonathan Gold: He’s going for the tape, he’s done this to his opponents before this is what made Tyler Black “Vio Lent”, this is what made David Hart Smith “Exe Cution”.


Tri Bute inches forward with the tape but then JBC’s music plays.


“I AM A COWBOY!


I LIKE DA RODEO


I AM A COWBOY!


MILKIN’ DEM COWS ALLS I NOSE


I AM A COWBOY!


NASSCAR’S SO A SPORT


I AM A COWBOY!


TEEM MCGRAW IS SWART


I AM A COWBOY!


AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-


HAW”


Johnny Buckson: He’s got a stone chair! That. Can’t. Be. Com. For. Table.!


Tri Bute tries to stick “Bear Skin” JBC with the tape, but he blocks it with the chair, and then clocks him with it. JBC holds up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship in all the corners while all the fan girls scream “JBC”. Butey rolls over to TJP and says that he knew he should’ve chained something to his “Reinforcements”. John Boy Corbett heads to the back to get ready for his main event match against “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge.

“The Agent” Mild Walsh is backstage with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that O’Reilly will face off against “The American Wolf” Davey Richards next in a nice clean match up and talks about how O’Reilly is already an icon in SSAW, how he is already a Hall of Famer and he is only 35 years old. He says that Kyle O’Reilly is already a two time SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. O’Reilly takes the microphone from Walsh.


“Richards is my friend, I remember when we were Team Ambition for a little bit and we won the WWE Tag Team Championships together. I remember when we teamed up together in the Never In Your Wildest Dreams 6-Man-Tag. I’ve learned a lot from him, he’s a great friend and I’m glad I’ll have the honor of facing him next.”


“Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly takes on “The American Wolf” Davey Richards in the opening moments Richards offers to shake hands with Kyle, but he instead gets some spit in his face and a kick to the chest.


Jonathon Gold: Well that was rude; normally Ky-Ky doesn’t act like this.


And so the kick war begins, there are at least seventy-five stiff kicks then O’Reilly hits Richards with a Brainbuster for a near fall. O’Reilly slaps the top of Richards’ head as he gets to his feet.


Johnny Buckson: O’Reilly sure has developed a mean-streak in this match, Walsh seems mad at ringside; he has always been about sportsmanship! Maybe he thinks O’Reilly is smearing dodo all over the Walsh Brand, Jon.


O’Reilly locks in an Armbar and puts his feet over the ropes for leverage, Walsh can’t take this anymore.


“My client is cheating!”, Walsh shouts as he hops up onto the apron. “He is soiling the good name of pro wrestling!”


Using this to his advantage, O’Reilly kicks Richards in the nuts and rolls Richards onto his back while tugging the tights. The referee counts the three allowing O’Reilly to pick up the victory. Kyle ditches the ring before Davey Richards can get to his feet, but Walsh rolls into the ring and apologizes for his client’s rude behavior.


Next, the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship is on the line, when “Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe take on Technical Disaster, the team of Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac. After a dodged Rolling Closeline, Neil locks in the Full Neil.


Johnny Buckson: The Briscoes might lose the belts right here! Marky looks like he’s gon’ tap!


Hammer Maniac leaps into the ring and hits a Rolling Double Knee Facebuster to Mark. Neil covers him for a two count! Jay comes in and hits Furious with a Lungblower! Jay and Hammer run at each other, and both attempt Double Knee Facebusters at the same time.


Jonathon Gold: Oh shiz! It’s a stalemate!


Johnny Buckson: Like with horses Jon?


Jonathon Gold: Nah, that would be a stablemate. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing!


Mark hits Furious with a Superkick and then climbs up to the top rope. Mark leaps off and hits the SHOOTING STAR PRESS! The referee counts to three and the match is over, The Briscoes are still the champs!

[ndqw]

We see Exe Cution and Vio Lent backstage, Vio Lent has the Lightweight Warrior belt across his shoulder. They both have pieces of masking tape on their heads.


“So, Andy Ridge gets a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior title tonight?”, Cution began. “Hmmm, I thought he was suppose to be in rehab. This is all The Rock’s fault.”, Cution does an impression of The Rock, “Hmmm, what should be the main event tonight, Vio Lent maybe? No he’s too smart, sexy, and powerful to get a shot, everyone needs to think I’m the best still, um wait, this guy does heroine and crack? Let’s send him to rehab some other time he’s facing JBC TONIGHT!”. It’s a really good impression.


“The Rock is jealous of me, and jealous of my power”, Vio Lent says, “He doesn’t need to envy me more, Exe, if I walked out of the main event with the belt, he’d get even more jelly. I don’t blame him honestly. Exe and I will just make sure that Ridge is in good company, we’ll be at ringside.”


Ozzy Chase walks by then notices Exe Cution and Vio Lent. He hands them two slips of paper.


“It’s from The Rock! You guys are banned from ringside.”


“Gosh dangit!” shouts Exe Cution, “Now what are we going to do?”


“Nothing”, Vio Lent laughs evilly.


We now cut to Johnny Buckson and the other announcer. “Holy butt, it’s already time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!”.


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


“The champ is here, Johnny! The champ is here! He is a beautiful man!”


John Boy Corbett slides into the ring, and the crowd goes absolutely nuts!


“KICK IT!”


“And here comes Andy Ridge!”, Vio Lent comes out of nowhere and floors Ridge with the Lightweight Warrior Championship Title. Vio Lent gives the crowd double in a bad ways (that’s something people do in the future).


“He is on the ramp! That means he will face no repercussions!” says Buckson.


“He’s an evil genious! Yes I added an o in there, I GOT EXITED” says Gold.


“THIS MOMENT HAS MADE ME PRONENCE WORDS WRONG ON PORPOISE“ screams Buckson!


“Why Mr. Lent? Why would you do this to Ridgy, Mr. Yakuza Kick is my FAVORITE super mirror image megaultra star?” Vio Lent says, “Flip you Draco, that’s why. How’s that for a happy thought?”. “You girls in the audience are all pansy, loser, butterface, HORSES. BUT I DON’T discriminate, BUT I DO hate you. Your in my world now Andy boy, beach boy Ridgy, girls pants BUTT TRUMPET. THIS IS THE SOUND YOUR BUTT MAKES!”


Lent starts making farting noises.


The referee calls for the bell and ring announcer Troy Stone says that the referee has come to a decision, “Your winner, via disqualification, Andy Ridge, HOWEVER, belts don’t change like that so John Boy Corbett is still champ!”


JBC runs up the ramp to attack Vio Lent but Lent escapes in a smoke cloud. When the smoke clears, Tri Bute appears and hits JBC with a spinning Big Boot. “NICE FLIP SUMMON ATTEMPT!” Tri Bute hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) and spits on JBC as the scene fades to black.


“That’s pretty flippin’ gee that a match can end before it even starts, all the peeps who paid for this shiz got ripped the flip off.” says Buckson as we go off the air.




9/12/23


SSAW.com posted an excerpt from the past article last night. It detailed their first event and included a video of the “best part”


Youtube Video Summary For Those In New Virginia X where this video is blocked due to “Graphic Violence” which I think is bullshiz because the whole point of the Internet is to be as edgy as possible always.
“Brain Damage Interrupts Pre-Show JibberJabber (SSAW 11 Bad Things, 8/2/10)
“Tonight Will Be A Night of TERROR” – Batman, from “Holy Musical Batman”


Brain Damage interrupted Stone when scary music started playing, he pushed a shopping cart filled with florescent light tubes to the ring and parked it on the apron. Stone pisses himself and runs away. Damage rolls into the ring and pulls a light tube out of the shopping cart. He hits himself in the head with it. Brain Damage picks up the microphone off the ground. “I AM LIKE MICK FOLEY”, Damage takes another light tube out of the shopping cart and hits himself in the head with it. “EXCEPT I AM BETTER”, he takes a third tube out of the cart and smashes it into his head. “SHERMAN TANK IS A WEINER”, Damage takes a fourth light tube out of the cart and hits himself with it. “I AM A WINNER” he does that thing he keeps doing. Then he grabs the sixth and final light tube. “I AM SAVING THIS ONE FOR SHERMAN TANK” Brain Damage leaves the ring with the tube.”


Go on their website for the full results.




59 fatalities of children ages 9 to 11 years old were reported last night all around the world and that number keeps on increasing. All of them watched the SSAW PPV and decided to be like their favorite superstars and be dangerous jug heads. Doug Martyr age 11 was hit in the head 45 times with a stone chair; he died on the 11th one. His little sister is being charged with Murder. Judge Marks says the 9 year old will be tried as an adult. The families capitalizing on their children’s death to make a quick buck have filed a class action lawsuit.




9/15/23


Judge Sapphire has dismissed the class action lawsuit on SSAW from the families of the children who died because of their sick, perverse, silly, dumb, gee, pay per view, saying it was “Bull Butt” and the kids “Weren’t raised correctly” and “Deserved to die”.


The President had an interview where he challenged Judge Sapphire to a fight. He said one of his kids died because of that sick, twisted, perverse, rape-encouraging program and that he needed some money. This gave a clue at The President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.




9/45/23


POP (Pee’d Off Parents), an organization against the senseless murder of children ages 9 to 11, has decided to picket the next SSAW event Centre City Slam 14. The head of the organization had this to say. “My kid died because you used stone chairs on that show, so flip you guys” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.


Here is the announced card for Centre City Slam 14


SSAW Global Warrior Championship
John Boy Corbett © vs. Shane Matthews /w Akira Criss and Michael Elgin


The show is tomorrow and they are really upping their game, they are saying the show will be available in 350 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!

[ndqw]

Dear Diary,


There is just this feeling inside my body. It feels good. I woke up on time today for the first time. I think I have finally found my purpose in this crazy, crazy world and this feeling is the drive.


AND I AM GOING TO PUT THE BREAKS ON MY OPPONENTS


By that I mean, I will break their limbs, arms, legs, whatever it takes!


Peace Off,
“The Man Who Does Those Submission Moves” Neil Furious




Dear Diary,


Just got word from that butt head The Rock, he says I have to face some fog for the SSAW Lightweight strap. Does he really think I’m afraid of some nerd who watches Star Wars? I am too smart, sexy, and powerful to drop the belt to someone from this lamebutt primitive time. Tri Bute has taught me every advanced super submission hold he knows and at the end of the night Zack “The LightSaber” Mcdumbface (BURN!~) Jr. cat meat is going done.


Have A Nice Day,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent “AKA The Artist Fomerly Known as Tyler Black”




Dear Diary,


The guy I’m facing is really old, I hope I don’t kill him on acc. RIP to the 9 to 11 year olds that died because I used a stone chair. The TV says it is rated TV-Y7 so parents should use discretion when watching are super edgy programs.


I Love You,
SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett




Dear Diary,


It’s a Brave New World. 6-Man-Tag action at CCS 14, I’ll be using my advanced move set as usual, I can’t wait until I get my shot at the belt again. I deserve it more than any of you present folks.


I’m from the future and it’s about gosh dang time The Rock realizes this and hands over the belt TO ME! I HAVE TRAPS AND ACES UP MY SLEEVE!


YOUR WORLD IS MINE


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




Dear Diary,


I love how now that a few kids died because of stone chairs they are trying to get us to stop using them. Weak dude. I’m gonna hit Frightmare with a stone chair tonight and beat him for the title, I guaren flipin’ tee it. See you in heck!


Also, I love how all these parents think they are bad butts now and trying to tell us what to do. If one of the protesters touches me I will have no remore. I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD, YOU’RE KID IS DEAD? WELL UR NXT!


Watch Out,
“The Conqueror” Michael Elgin




Dear Diary,


Davey Richards didn’t show up to my Indy show. So I officially take back my apology. That butt head deserved to get kicked in the balls.


Still, I grounded Kyle, so hopefully he learned from his mistakes and will show his improved behavior against TJP tonight.


Yours truly,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh


Centre City Slam 14
October 1st 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 350 languages and American dialects.


“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match after hitting a Scorpio Death Drop (Scorpion Death Drop)


The show starts off with Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh backstage. Mild Walsh says he is very disappointed in Ky-Ky’s behavior so he was grounded and will not be like that. WAIT OCTOBER FOOLS! It turns out Walsh knew Kyle was going to be mean to Davey Richards! “It was actually my idea all along!” says Walsh, it was a huge plot twist.


“Walsh is a bad guy too now? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE” says Jonathon Gold.


“And now they are walking down the ramp, those sick perverts!” says Buckson.


“I hope TJ kicks this motherflipper’s asinine face in.” says Gold.


LOOK AT THIS STUFF


ISN’T IT NEAT


WOULDN’T YOU THINK MY COLLECTION’S COMPLETE


WOULDN’T YOU THINK I’M THE GIRL


THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING


TJP runs to the ring and the match begins. TJP hit a bunch of cool highflying moves and it was a really cool match. TJP was about to hit his signature 630 Hurricanrana but O’Reilly threw the referee into him and now the ref is laid out. Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and sprays TJP in the face with mace, then O’Reilly hit TJP in the balls seven or eight times. The referee comes to and O’Reilly is about to make TJP tap to a headlock. Kyle puts a foot on the rope and TJP immediately gives it up hard. The referee raises Kyle’s hand but he pulls away and starts stomping on TJP’s head then gives him double bad ways.


“THAT FLIPPING CHEATER!” yells Buckson.


Our next contest is for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship, Frightmare the champion faces off against Michael Elgin!


“Michael Elgin is such a badbutt, Goldy, he was the first SSAW Global Warrior Champion, and tonight he has promised to win the belt! He said he was going to use the stone chair tonight, despite all those kids dieing” says Buckson.


“And he’s pretty sexy too.” says Gold.


When the match begins Elgin goes for a stone chair shot, but the referee takes it from him. Frightmare takes advantage and hits Elgin with a ROLLING KO PUNCH. He then turns around and hits Elgin with a Standing Moonsault he pins him but Elgin kicks out at two. Frightmare hits Elgin with several elbow strikes and tries to pin him again but Elgin kicks out at zero. Elgin pokes Frightmare in the eye and the referee gives him a white card. Elgin tears up the card and throws it at the ground!


“Elgin is such a Dutch bag, Gold”


“The kind you want to carry around and show all you’re friends, Bucky!”


The referee picks up the pieces of paper while Elgin’s manager, Akira Criss, hands him a stone chair! Elgin hits Frightmare in the flipping head!


“He’s so HARDCORE!”


“You only see this kind of EDGY in SSAW!”


Elgin pins Frightmare! The referee hand hits the mat twice! FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT!


“OH SHIP” says Buckson


“I AM HAVING MULTIPLE ORGANISMS!”


Elgin is visibly super mad! Elgin shouts something mean at Frightmare and kicks him in the face. Elgin grabs the referee by the collar and punches him in the head, but Frightmare comes up behind him and hits a low blow and rolls him up for 3!


We go backstage with Exe Cution and Vio Lent, “Remember when I called all of Andy Ridge’s fans horses? That was so funny, right?” Lent asked Cution. “Yeah, Lenty, you are like the funniest, most charismatic guy I know. THAT beard is so flipping sexy, I have no doubt that you’ll be the greatest SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion of all time.” Cution reassures him. “I love you, man” they both say as they hug passionately. “I don’t know though, that Zack Sabre Jr. is pretty great. JUST KIDDING he sucks I have this in a bag!” Lent laughs. Cution and Vio Lent high five!


LOOK AT THESE PEOPE


AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL


SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER


“CUT MY MUSIC” yells Vio Lent as he walks onto the ramp.


The music stops and Vio Lent starts screaming into the microphone.


“Why oh why?” asks Buckson.


“Gosh, what is this?” asks Gold.


“Now that I have your attention I would like to tell you all about “Peg Leg” Andy Rayedge! Get it! He drinks so much rum that he’s like a pirate! So I made his name all piratey!”


Lent wipes a tear away from his eye.


“Anyway, he is puking his guts out in rehab because he does heroine and crack! The Rock finally sent him there. That Andy is such a sissy girl (BURN!~)”. Lent laughs.


“But we didn’t come here to see Ridge or think about little Andy. Tonight my opponent,” Vio Lent points to the ring where Zack Sabre Jr. is standing, “Is from some dumb other country that isn’t even half as cool as ours. IN THE FUTURE, Tri Bute says his dumb stupid country isn’t even around anymore, the Zondian Truth Bots took them out first, second, and third, then they left the fourth part of it for a bit and took it out 19th, because they didn’t want to waste the effort right away. Tri Bute has assured me your people are weak and pathetic and that they always will be.”


Zack gets really pee’d off but the referee holds him back before he hurts anybody. Lent gets in the ring and the bell tolls! They trade submission holds, Lent starts pulling Sabre’s hair and the referee enunciates the 11 count for this behavior. Lent lets go at 9 and steps on Zack’s back! Lent takes a feather out of his pocket.


“Uh oh, this could be one of those advanced submission moves from the future!” shouts Gold!


Lent starts tickling Junior’s tummy with the feather. He may tap right here! Zack lands a kick to the head, which stops the tickle torture, but only for so long. Zack locks in a headlock but Lent fights to his feet and hits a SAITO SUPLEX! The referee begins the 10 count for when both wrestlers are down. THEY BOTH GET UP AT 9! They start trading left hands and right legs at the same time, however Lent punches harder and knocks Sabre into the ropes. Vio pulls out the feather and starts tickling his tummy, even though he is on the ropes Zack verbally submits causing Vio Lent to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship!


“Oh man what a night so far!”


“You said it, Walsh was a bad guy all along, Elgin used a stone chair in his match even though 59 kids died because of one of those, and Lent just retained his title.” says Gold.


“I change my mind, nothing positive that mattered happened, sadface” says Buckson.


“Maybe that’ll change! 6-Man Tag action next!”

[ndqw]

“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute, “Stardust” Mark Briscoe, and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe took on Neil Furious, Hammer Maniac, and Matt Vaughn, it was the 2nd best 6-Man Tag ever pretty much. One of the Briscoes and Matt Vaughn were in the ring and they traded kicks to the face until Vaughn hit a Super Kick to Briscoe for a nearfall. The Super Kick is his finisher but he tends to hit it 10-25 times per match, in a shoot interview he said it was to keep the fans on their toes. THEN TRI BUTE GETS TAGGED IN! Butey puts all three of his opponents on his shoulders and launches them out of the ring by hitting an Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope.


“Holy crop! I never thought I’d see a Triple Royal Tri Bute!”


“I didn’t even realize “Necrovalley” was active, let alone three of ‘em.”


Mark Briscoe jumps onto the top rope and hits a springboard Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) to the three opponents. “Drillbit” exits the ring and rolls Neil Furious into the ring. Tri Bute does a cutthroat sign and shouts “SHOULDN’T OF FLIP SUMMONED”. Tri Bute proceeds to hit Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). He could’ve beaten him there but to add insult to injury Tri Bute locks in a Two Handed Testicular Claw, Neil’s own finishing maneuver. Neil is forced to submit. Tri Bute and The Briscoe Brothers group hug in celebration as we head backstage with Akira Criss.


Akira Criss reminds us that “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews won a #1 contender match last month and that he is 6-0 at Centre City Slam events. Shane adds that he was once at the top of the company (but that was like 7 years ago so no one cares anymore). Akira says he’s also the 2nd sexiest hunk of man beef she has ever seen. Shane blushes then gets all cereal and says that his match with JBC will Johnny crying like a girl baby for several years, it will scar him for lyfe with a y, and that it will leave him without a title for the rest of his lyfe with a y again!


“And that match, our MAIN E FLIPPIN’ VENT, is next!”


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


COWBOY


I LOVE DA RODEO


COWBOY


MILKIN’ DEM COW ALLS I NOSE


COWBOY


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW!!!!11


“John Boy Corbett is here, with his cowboy hat and everything” say Gold.


“He’s the kind of guy you want to chew all of your bubble gum, Goldo!”


Our Main Event begins with JBC getting attacked from behind before the bell tolls by Shane Matthews. Shane Matthews picked up JBC and hit the Dario Effect (Double Underhook DDT) and went for a pin but JBC gets the shoulder up at two. Matthews slaps the mat and then picks him up and hits Dario Effect #2 (Samoan Drop). Matthews climbs to the top rope and shouts “Save your tears for lubrication” as he leaps off, but JBC rolls out of the way and Shane lands on his butt. JBC kicks Shane really hard in the face then stomps on his chest five times and locks in a backbreaker hold. JBC slaps Shane’s chest to the beat of the audience clapping. JBC makes an X with his arms and his the Horseshoe Toss (Inverted Spinning Fallaway Slam) straight from the backbreaker hold. JBC goes for the pin but Akira Criss puts Shane’s foot on the rope causing the break at 2.3. John Boy rolls out of the ring and starts chasing Akira but Michael Elgin, who was on commentary hits JBC with a closeline. The referee is at a count of 5 when JBC gets to his feet and pushes Elgin into the guardrail.


“Johnny better get in the ring quick if he gets counted out he will still keep the title!”


“That wouldn’t be good for him at all?”


JBC is about to get in the ring when Tri Bute grabs his legs from under the ring. The referee gets to 10 and Matthews is declared the winner (he is still laid out from the Horseshoe Toss). Tri Bute and JBC start punching each other in the face but Tri Bute kicks JBC in the stomach and follows up with a Piledriver! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and hits Shane Matthews with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) as Elgin and Criss retreat up the ramp. Tri Bute gets out of the ring, puts on a pair of Brass knucks and punches JBC in the face three times. JBC is bleeding now. Tri Bute takes the microphone out of Troy Stone’s hand.


“Yawn Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your champion, “Bear What?”, has dawned the crimson mask, your whole world is crumbling around you, this is the third time the show end with me standing over you and the only question I’m asking is when does Tri Bute get his 6th try, his 6th opportunity to mark his destiny and be the man his great granddad told him about? Well now I have an answer. “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” has it in the books, it’s happening November 5th 2023, Open The Awesome Gate 4, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” vs. “Bear What?” Yawn Girl Snorbett, Return of The Jedi, for the most prestigious title in this time, but this time we aren’t climbing ladders or trying to pin each other.


This time the winner will be the one who breaks the other’s face. It’s a First Blood match. The face that every woman here wants to lick all over will be dismembered, but do you want to know what the best part is? I CAN’T LOSE, there is a reason why I told The Rock it had to be First Blood. I can’t bleed. The theory of Evolution isn’t just a theory Johnny Boy, it’s scientific fact. By the time I was born “blood” hadn’t existed for decades. The skin of humans is much too thick, we die before we bleed. On November 5th your title is MINE! Then SSAW is MINE! Then the world is MINE! CONTACT YOUR LOCAL service PROVIDER!”


Tri Bute spits on JBC.


“BUTT TRUMPET”


Tri Bute starts making farting noises as the scene fades to black.




10/2/12


The fatalities are rolling in from kids hitting each other with stone chairs, 83 deaths this time. Michael Elgin is to blame since he used on stone chair at SSAW’s PPV last night, but he tweeted “if we had more don’t try this at home stuff kids wouldn’t do it”. POP’s head honcho had this to say, “Michael Elgin is a major dock and deserves all the blame for this horrible tragedy. I am pee’d off! Elgin is a serial murderer that should be locked up for his terrible, rope-encouraging actions.” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.


Oklahoma Officials detained Michael Elgin after the event, he is being held at the state penitentiary and has received 14 lashes he is currently being charged with Resisting Arrest and Encouraging Rope.




10/78/12


Elgin’s trial happened, Judge Sapphire dismissed the case since “Encouraging Rope” isn’t against the law.


The President says he want Judge Sapphire to fight him, his other kid died because of Michael Elgin and the sick, perverse behavior he displayed. This also gave a clue at the President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.


The SSAW PPV, Open The Awesome Gate 4, is only 5 days away, and the card so far is so flippin’ stacked you wouldn’t believe it brah.


SSAW Global Warrior Championship – First Blood Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Tri Bute


They are saying the show will be available in 398 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!

[ndqw]

Dear Diary,


I have to face a man who cannot bleed. In a first blood match. Butt.


Well it was fun while it lasted,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett




Dear Diary,


I fooled all of you guys, didn’t I? Kyle and I are the smartest guys in all of SSAW, we play mind games and we don’t book Davey Richards in our indy company because he’s a jerk.


The Rock gave Ky-Ky the day off but you can expect to see us in some capacity.


Lates,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh




Dear Diary,


The voices are reaching out to me, they are telling me what to do.


It’s peeing me off, they want me to kill again. They want me to take out another legend.


THOSE VOICES, REACHING OUT.


La la la la laaa


SHUT UP


STUPID


STUPID


I’M POINTING AT THE SIGN, WHERE ARE MY FIREWORKS?


I’ll kick him I’ll kick Jagged in the head.


DEAD


DEAD


DEAD


666 MURDA MURDA JESUS


Condolences,
“The Viper” Randy Orton “The Legend Killer”




Dear Diary,


My rematch is tonight, I get another shot at the Lightweight title. That referee last time was dumb, it doesn’t count if you tap while you’re touching the ropes whatever, that futuristic submission move has nothing on me now, I found out how to apply it to myself and I’ve been torturing myself with it ever since, I am immune it doesn’t hurt me any more. I’ve also watched Star Wars Episode XII: The Ewok King, about 50 times, the part where Darth Kwoe goes into the time-defying time portal to the year 10010 and learns about the culture there has taught me all I need to know to beat you thick skinned freaks. I sent my copy to JBC hopefully he puts it to good use.


New Champion,
Zack Sabre Jr.




Dear Diary,


It is so great to be from the future. NEW CHAMPION, and I’ll take my sweet time too. I’ll torture him with every advanced future fighting technique I know, especially the one where I tickle your belly, beat the crop out of him with a stone chair. Marvelous victory! There is a reason they call me “The Future Warrior”, there is a reason I won the best title in the history of time 8000 times.


I WIN BIG MATCHES


THAT’S MY THING


I CAN’T BLEED!


Johnny gets the crimson mask! I AM THE MASTER!


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




Open The Awesome Gate 4
November 5th 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 398 languages and American dialects.


“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. after hitting a Jumping Rest In Pieses (Jumping Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match.


“The show tonight is going to be totally awesome!” says Buackson.


“You said it Johnny, BTDUBS I love the new last name, is it still pronounced Buckson?”


“Yes, but that’s not important, I’m scared, if JBC can’t make Tri Bute bleed tonight”, Buackson’s voice trailed off.


“IT MAY BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT,” shouts Gold.


We go backstage with “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that they are just here TO WASTE THE FANS TIME. Walsh started saying that “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton was a cool guy but Kyle shushed him and says that’s a surprise.


In our opening contest “The Mysterious” Ern Mystery and Marcus Speed, the team called Lightning In The Jungle, faced off against “The Original” Chucky Blaze and the SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion Frightmare. The veterans were in control for most of the match but then Marcus Speed hit a low blow to the champ and tagged in Ern, who was distracting the referee. Lightning In The Jungle started hitting a bunch of really cool moves like a Shooting Star Sentons and Swantom Bombs and Hurricanranas. They hit stereo Front Flip Dropkicks to Frightmare and Blaze, then they both did Springboard 630s to get the three. After the match they spit on the veteran wrestlers. Chucky Blaze and Frightmare got mad and chased them to the back.


We head backstage.


“So I heard that nerd was watching The Ewok King over and over. What a nerdo” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), to his best friend Vio Lent (Tyler Black).


“Yeah, he’s one dumb nobody flipper. HE THINKS he can get a one up on us by watching science fiction!? The Ewok King isn’t even accurate; it’s just dumbo Star Wars nonsense. I CAN’T wait to kick that nerdo’s tiny dumb butt,” rants Vio Lent.


“Dude, you’re like the best in the tri-galaxy besides Tri Bute. You can do anything. I bet you don’t even need your advanced techniques from the future to beat this butt trumpet girl pants loser,” says Exe Cution.


“Here’s the plan, I beat up stupid head Zack and keep my belt. Then we watch the main event and Tri Bute kick JBC’s country b-u-t-t. Then we can partaaay with both the belts at Round Table Pizza and drink all the Pepsi products we can handle!” says Vio Lent.


Exe Cution and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the ring the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!


PUSH ME IF YOU THINK I GIVE A DANG


YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA MAN


THINK I CAN’T HOLD MY OWN?


I DON’T NEED HER


I DON’T NEED ANYBODY


Zack Sabre Jr. does that Rey Mysterio thing and jumps out of the stage it is really cool but then Vio Lent attacks him from behind and hits Sabre with the lightweight belt. Vio Lent spits in the air then gives the crowd double in a bad ways. Lent picks up Sabre and leads him to the ring.


“Lent is going HAM on this mo’ suckra!” shouts Buackson!


Lent hits a Spinebuster to Zack on the apron, then rolls him into the ring. The bell tolls and makes the match official. Lent immediately goes for the feather, he takes it out of his tights and starts tickling his opponent’s tummy.


“OH NOSE! This has taken out Zacky in the past!” says Gold.


“It could be the end here!” shouts Buackson.


Zack doesn’t even laugh and then kicks Lent really hard in the face. Then he picks Lent up and hits a Jumping Piledriver for a nearfall.


“Zack escaped Tickle Torture? How? That’s one of Vio’s advanced maneuvers from the future!” asks Gold.


“Didn’t you read Zack’s diary? He said he’s been watching Star Wars and tickling himself to build an immunity to it!” says Buackson.


Zack hits Lent with a Curb Stomp onto the bottom turnbuckle, then locks in a Surfboard. After a few moments Zack throws him backwards onto his head. Then Zack puts him in The Walls of Sabre (Boston Crab) but Lent gets the ropes and the referee pulls Zack off of him. Exe Cution hands Lent a stone chair and he hits Zack over the head with it for the DQ!


“Great! More kids die now and Lent keeps the title! That’s incredible!” says Buackson excitedly!


“Vio Lent is a meano screwing over Sabre like that!” says Gold in disagreement.


“I know I was just being random,” says Buackson. Gold almost hangs himself.


Lent runs away with the belt and laughs at Sabre.


I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD


BLAH BLAH BLAH


THEY TALK TIMMY


THEY TALK TIMMY


THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SHOULD DO


LIKE WHAT I PUT IN A SHOE


THEY TALK TIMMY


“The Viper” Randy Orton hits the ring and gets a microphone.


“I am Randy Orton,” he says. He starts making weird faces into the camera and licking his lips. “And I kill legends!” Randy throws the microphone into the crowd and starts rolling around on the ground. Then I think he realized he still needed the microphone so he rolled out of the ring and tried to get it back. The fan that caught it wouldn’t give it up so Randy shouted “JAGGED IT’S TIME TO FIGHT NOW” and rolled into the ring. “The King of The Cage” Jagged ran down the ramp and rolled into the ring and the match kicked off. The match consisted of Orton hitting Closelines and Bodyslams to Jagged and while he is getting up from them lining up for the punt. Jagged dodged the first six, but on the 7th attempt, Jagged still dodged it but Randy kicked the rope instead, Jagged tried to rollup Randy but he kicked out at dos.


“What a competitive match up so far” says Buackson.


“I think it’s pretty cool,” says Gold.


“Your opinion is always one that I treasure!” says Buackson.


While the commentators had their little moment, Randy hit the punt, but it knocked Jagged out of the ring. Randy started doing his thing where he pounds the mat while Jagged is getting up. The referee got to a count of 7 before Jagged got up but out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly attacked Jagged with a Rolling Big Boot. Instead of disqualifying Randy the official kept the count going and Jagged was counted out. Orton celebrated while O’Reilly rolled Jagged into the ring. Orton stated stalking his prey and when Jagged got up he hit him with a RKO.


“STUPID


STUPID”


Kyle rolled into the ring and started stomping on Jagged’s back and then picked him up and hit a German Suplex then rolled through and hit a Dragon Suplex. Kyle and Randy Orton spit on Jagged and then highfived.


“I guess O’Reilly and Orton are friends now?” asks Gold.


“That doesn’t make sense! Kyle O’Reilly is arguably a bigger legend in SSAW than Jagged is. Why would Orton be friends with him?” retorts Buackson.


“Orton’s crazy though so sometimes he does silly stuff” says Gold.

[ndqw]

Orton and O’Reilly walk off to the back when The Briscoe Brother’s music starts playing. “Stardust” Mark Briscoe takes a microphone.


“The Rock says that we don’t have opponents tonight, that’s flipin’ lame. WE’RE FIGHTING CHAMPIONS, our belts WILL go on the line tonight I PROMISE. TWO TOUGH CHUMPS BETTA COME OUT HERE. Then a STEEL CAGE’ll lower from da sky and we’ll fight to see who da betta men are,” he shouts.


“Wow a Steel Cage Match and a First Blood Match tonight! The fans are in for a treat!” says Gold.


“That is if any team has a big enough wiener to accept this challenge,” says Buackson


I LOVE STEAK


I LOVE SAUCE


OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!


“OH FLIP YES” says Buackson!


“IT’S THEM THEY’RE BACK”


“THE BEST MOTHERFLIPPERS ARE MOTHERFLIPPING BACK”


“I JUS CAN’T BELIEVE MY GOSHFORSAKIN’ EYES!”


“SOME KIND OF HARMONY IS ON THE RISE GOLD, BAH GOSH”


Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue attack The Briscoes from behind! Their punches barely make contact with them but it is still really cool. Then the steel cage starts to lower. Gene Barbecue starts puking all over the ring but The Briscoes don’t let up, “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe slips in the barf but hits a double closeline to the Barbecue Brothers. Francis Barbecue takes most of the beating for the rest of the match since Gene is ill, I guess. The Briscoes hit a double big boot to Francis and then pinned him but he kicked out at two. The Briscoes tried to pick Francis up to his feet but he hits a double low blow and then a double DDT. Then he puts “Stardust” onto his shoulders and climbs to the top of the cage.


“OH SNAP”


“He could kill “Stardust” Mark Briscoe! DON’T JUMP!” says Buackson.


Francis hits a Steamroller from the top of the cage into a pin for three to make The Natural Born Grillers, Gene Barbecue and Francis Barbecue, the new SSAW Word Double Bed Warrior Champions!


The Rock is backstage in his office and he is drawling a picture of a frog. It’s quite good and I like his use of cross-hatching. There is a knock on the door and The Rock tells them to come in.


“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” enters.


“Welcome to the SMACKDOWN HOTEL jabroni!”


“You are bugging me what do you want Rock, I have a match to prepare for if you don’t mind?” asks “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.


“I wanted to tell you that I changed the match a bit, you see I like to treat my wrestlers like I treat my drawings” says “The People’s Champion” The Rock, “Each wrestler is like a piece of art, Butey, look how colorful it is, do you like that?”


“No” says Tri Bute, “I think pictures are dumb, they aren’t around in the future because they are lame.”


“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock, is taken aback. “Well, whatever, I just called you in here to tell you that since you can’t bleed a first blood match isn’t really that fair, but since we already advertised the butt out of that match I can’t really just change it. So I’m adding a stipulation, if you lose you cannot face JBC again for the title during this reign. Butey, this is your last chance,” says The Rock


Tri Bute just walks away, “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. walks by, but Tri Bute grabs him by the neck and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). Tri Bute spits on Jr. and flashes him double in a bad ways.


“I can’t think of a single way Tri Bute can lose anyway, Goldie, why did he have to show that kind of aggression to some kid who just walks by like that,” asks Buackson.


“Well, Buack, Tri Bute is a muti-time universe champion, for all we know that loser disrespected Tri Bute. I think what we really need to focus on is that if JBC doesn’t find a way to conquer the beast, slay the monster, battle darken-,”


“Yeah, he’s got to man up because pretty much right now he faces the greatest evil force to ever set foot in SSAW since “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders,”


“If he doesn’t win tonight, it’s pretty much the end of days”


IT’S A HUMAN SIGN


WHEN THINGS GO WRONG


WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS


AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG


WERP


LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR


LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR


LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR


LET THE BODIES HIT THE


FLOOOOOOOOOOOOR


A casket decorated with purple skulls and blood lowers from the rafters, once the casket touches the ground the chain that lowered the casket drops off too.


TAKE MY LOVE


TAKE MY LAND


TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND


I DON’T CARE


I’M STILL FREE


YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME


The casket opens and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” steps out of the casket with a microphone.


“Tonight IS THE NIGHT


HOLD ON TIGHT


THIS IS THE DREAM


IT’S ALL I NEED,” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop John Boy Corbett listens to on his ICow while he milks it and whistles. Yeah he listens to Miley Cyrus. And you guys still like him? Why? She’s like 40 years old, her acting is annoying as flip COME ON,” rants Tri Bute.


“I deserve her fame and I deserve her glory. Did you here my singing? I rocked the crop out of those four lines. Maybe I got part of the song wrong lyrics wise, but that was probably an improvement anyway. I WIN BIG MATCHES! That’s what I came here to do tonight. I will be the best champion there ever was. I CAN’T LOSE! In fac-,”

[ndqw]

I AM A COWBOY


I LOVE DA RODEO


I AM A COWBOY


MILKIN’ MY ICOW’S ALLS I NOSE


I AM A COWBOY


MILEY CYRUS IS SWART


I AM A COWBOY


AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


HAW


HAW


John Boy Corbett walks out onto the ramp, but all the sudden he is attacked from behind by Vio Lent and Exe Cution who knock him to the ground.


“Laugh out loud,” laughs Tri Bute, “Did you think I didn’t have Reinforcement of The Army down or something? I always run that ship”.


Vio Lent and Exe Cution drag Johnny to the ring and roll him in. The referee rings the bell. Tri Bute immediately picks him up and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).


“Are you okay Mr. Snorbett (BURN!~)? ARE YOU FLIPPING OKAY?” asks Butey. Tri Bute slaps JBC while he’s down. “MINIONS! NOW!” Vio Lent and Exe Cution roll into the ring, Cution stands JBC up on his knees while Vio smacks him with the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. Cution lets him fall and then locks in a Sharpshooter. John Boy yells out in pain, Tri Bute rolls out of the ring and picks up a bowl and a spoon. Tri Bute sets the bowl in front of JBC. “You aren’t that bad of a guy JBC, you’re just a stepping stone on my way to the top, so since this match is one of the easiest victories in my career, I decided to thank you with a nice chicken noodle soup I made you, go on try it,” pleads Tri Bute.


But before JBC can take a spoonful, Lent dunks his head into the bowl and Cution starts using a rope for leverage. “Let him out Exe,” Cution releases the hold. “Now put him on my shoulders,” Vio Lent and Exe Cution lift JBC and put him on “The Future Warrior’s” shoulders. Tri Bute hits JBC with an Attitude Adjustment but onto the top rope instead of the mat.


“Royal Tri Bute, Tri Bute is just toying with our champion. And the worst part is, he has nothing to lose,” says Buackson.


“Have you ever been marooned John Boy? Have you ever been left behind on a deserted planet?” asks Tri Bute, “No you haven’t, you’re just a country boy who grew up on the farm shooting wombats and bears, you milked cows and listened to Miley Cyrus throughout your lame teen hood. Vio Lent, bring him back in the ring,”


Vio Lent follows his orders and rolls JBC back into the ring. Tri Bute snaps his fingers giving Exe Cution the signal to Powerslam the referee. Tri Bute takes a pocketknife out of his hot pink tights. He taps John Boy’s right hand middle finger with it, and leaves a cut. It starts bleeding, but the referee can’t see it since he got powerslammed.


“That’s how easy it is. If I hadn’t saved you there, the belt would have been mine. That’s way too easy though. I need to give you a thorough butt kicking. Lent, clean that cut up and put a bandage on it. Oh, sorry if you get one of those knife diseases and die,” says Tri Bute.


Vio Lent cleans up the cut and puts a bandage on JBC.


“Exe, kiss it to make it feel better,” screams Tri Bute


Exe lifts Corbett’s arm and takes his hand in both of his. His mouth moves slowly over the fingers until he finds the right one. His soft lips brush the bandage slowly, warmly.


“How does it taste?” asks Tri Bute.


“It tastes, like rainbows and unicorns, like a castle in a cloud, like pitter pattering rain on the stone steps of the court house on a March morning, like a new The Fast and The Furious movie, like love, beautiful unconditional love,” says Exe Cution.


“Yes, now stomp on his hand until it breaks,” commands Tri Bute.


Without a second thought, Cution stomps on Corbett’s hands repeatedly.


“This is who we are, JBC, compassion? Love? In the future we stomp all over that ship. Emotions are for the weak, just ask Randy Orton, he won a bunch of world titles. Ask me, I’ve won 8000. You are a sissy crybaby girl; girl is your middle name. KEEP STOMPING ON HIS HAND I DON’T CARE IF YOUR LEG IS TIRED!” yells Tri Bute.


“This has gone on long enough, just end it already!” shouts Gold.


Tri Bute nudges Cution so he stops. Tri Bute positions John Boy then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off and hits Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg Clap Frog Splash).


“This match is flippin’ disgusting, it’s kind of like that episode of South Park, The China Problem or like bondage, it’s just uncomfortable to watch,” says Gold.


“The China Problem is like the best episode of South Park, it’s almost as good as 200 and 201 or Super Best Friends, those three were so edgy that they aren’t even on Southparkstudios.com. But seriously the edgy episodes are the best because they are the most hardcore, the most bad butt. And if something weren’t bad butt why would you watch it in the first place?” asks Buackson.


“Well, there are a bunch of great musicals that ar-,”


“Don’t say another flippin’ word blunt. Musicals are trash, ever since Blaine graduated and wasn’t featured on Glee anymore, the world changed and musicals were never the same again,” interrupted Buackson.


“What happened to treasuring my opinion, Buack? Or did that moment we had earlier not mean anything to you? Don’t even answer, you’re a jerk that I don’t want to talk to!” says Gold before he runs off crying.


While the announcers had their little spat Tri Bute rained down the punches on JBC but stopped before busting him open. Gold is running away but he trips on a cord and falls on his face. Exe Cution, Vio Lent, and Tri Bute immediately exit the ring to see if he is all right. While “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” and his minions checked Jonathon Gold’s pulse John Boy Corbett slowly got to his feet. Then he bounced of the rope and hit a suicide dive onto Tri Bute and the other two, then he picked up the microphone.


“Butey beach, you’re a cocky little ship. That big ego of yours is pretty dang silly too. I’ve beaten you five times already dude, and I had a whole month to figure out how to make you bleed. So, I watched Star Wars Episode XII, you know the one where Darth Kwoe goes into the future and learns about the customs so he can go back in time and make Timmy Skywalker bleed, but not die so he could use his blood to make a clone army that is better than the one in The Clone Wars? Well what he used was The Staff of The Ewok King. Now, as you know, Star Wars happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but when Death Star III exploded, where The Staff of The Ewok King, pieces of it flew all over the place.


One of the pieces crashed here on Earth. Turns out the events of Episode XII happened in the 1940s, the thing that crashed at Roswell wasn’t a UFO or aliens. It was space wreckage from Death Star III; it was The Staff of The Ewok King.


How do I know this? Easy, the head of my fan club works at Area 51 and he phoned me and told me about it. Thank god his identity is anonymous or he’d get in trouble for that.


In Area 51, they were studying it; trying to harness it’s essence. Learn how to use it, when to use it. They finally found a use. Giving it to me!” breathes John Boy, it took him a while to get it all out since he got beat up so much.


JBC leans over and takes a wooden staff out from under the ring and pokes Tri Bute in the arm with it. The blood begins to drip out of his arm.


“This must be the emotion you humans call blood, I’m bleeding!” shouts Tri Bute as he cries out in pain and the bell tolls.


“Your winner via First Blood, and still SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett!” announces Troy Stone, “As a result Tri Bute cannot challenge for the championship until a new champion is crowned,”


John Boy Corbett holds the belt up in all the corners while Tri Bute’s trio limp up the ramp.


“John Boy Corbett wins! The boyhood dream has been fulfilled! He has made the unbleedable bleed! I have one question though, does this mean Episode XIII will be about this match?” ponders Buackson as the scene fades to black.


11/6/23


More kids died because of stone chairs. No one cares about that though.


Master Satriani just finished his Sumo tour in Japan so he may be back in SSAW any day now.


Chris Sabin has taken time off to be a mime.






11/98/23


The next SSAW event is only three days away! The card has so much swag!


SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Third Times The Charm!
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Zack Sabre Jr.


They are saying the show will be available in 427 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!

[ndqw]

Dear Diary,


MY WORLD IS OVER


IT HURTS, MY ARM HURTS LIKE HECK!


The Rock has given me the rest of the year off to heal up. But after that your world comes to an end. 2024 is the year of THE FUTURE WARRIOR!


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




Dear Diary,


After 7 years, Sumo wrestling the ship out of a bunch of suicidal Japanese, I have returned to SSAW and I’m here to reclaim my spot as the biggest bad butt in this flippin’ hood!


You have been forewarned!,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”




Dear Diary,


WELCOME TO THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL


The main event of this show will be really swag, the guy who is a legend in Japan, Master Satriani will get a title belt shot at JBC, jabroni!


IF YOU SMELL WHAT DA ROCK IS COOKIN,
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock “The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment”




Dear Diary,


It is just so hard to stay mad at Mr. Buackson. He was so persistent and caring. He visited me in the hospital every day and brought me freshly baked cookies while I was recouping from my fall. Once I could walk again he took me to the beach for a celebratory picnic. Champagne, caviar, fried chicken, and love, it was the best picnic ever.


Regards,
Jonathon Gold






Christmas At Ground Zero 2
December 3rd 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 427 languages and American dialects!


“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Amazing Halo after hitting Gemini To Sleep (Go To Sleep) and getting the three in the dark match.


In our opening contest, Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac faced off against “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe and “Stardust” Mark Briscoe. Neil Furious started off for his team and did submission moves. Jay Briscoe was about to tap but instead he thumbed Neil in the eye and tagged in Mark who was a house on fire. Or of fire whatever. He kicked Neil in the face really hard knocking him into his corner and Hammer was tagged in. They started trading punches but the fans were clearly on Hammer’s side because they said yay when he punched Mark and boo when Mark punched Hammer. It was just like a real wrestling show. HAMMER THEN HIT A ROLLING ELBOW.


1….


2….


NO! GOSH NO! HE KICKED OUT! WIZARD GOD NO!


“Mark hasn’t got all his ship in yet!” says Buackson.


Mark hits like 12 elbows to the face of Hammer then hits him with an Enziguri followed by a Super Kick while he was on his knees. Mark goes to the top rope and does Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) but Maniac rolls out of the way just in time. He locks in the ManiacLock (Hammer Lock) and then Neil rolls into the ring and hits Mark with a Super Kick while Hammer hits a ManiacLock Suplex (Hammer Lock Suplex) into a bridge, before the referee counts the pin Furious grabs Mark’s legs and locks in the Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab)). Mark taps and Technical Disator picks up their first tag team victory against the former champs!


“They may have a very bright future in SSAW after that!” says Gold.


We head backstage

“Nah, Tri Bute says that won’t happen,” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).


“It wouldn’t be the first time he was wrong,” snaps back Vio Lent (Tyler Black).


Ozzy Chase walks by but notices Lent and passes him a note and says it’s from The Rock.


“Dear Jabroni,


Big surprise after your match, which is next. By the way if you are caught cheating in that match, you will be disqualified,” reads Lent.


“Like always?”


“Yep, he’s a dumbo don’t worry about it. BTDUBS after I beat that nerd we are gonna tape him so HARD. Then he’ll be all ours. Exe, get ready, BECAUSE TONIGHT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!” declares Lent!


“Taking The Past? Oh I get it. That’s what we should call our cool stable, or is it like a catchphrase?”


“BOTH!”


Vio Lent and Exe Cution high five.


LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE


AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL


SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER


NO ONE CONDEMING YOU


LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU


LED TO THE WATER


“I bring you pain, the kind you can’t suffer quietly,” says Zack Sabre Jr. as he locks in a Coquina Clutch on Vio Lent. Lent verbally submits but it doesn’t count because the match didn’t start yet. Exe Cution stomps on Sabre’s head to break up the submission move and then Cution and Lent start beating the crop out of him.


“This is why you don’t stoop to their level Zacky!” says Buackson.

“When you fight fire with fire, you get burned!” says Gold.


Cution and Lent take Zack to the ring, stopping every five steps to do a bunch of stiff slaps to the face. Eventually they toss him into the ring, Lent rollins and the match begins. Lent hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT followed by a ROLLING KNOCKOUT PUNCH. He goes for a pin but Zacky kicks out at two! Vio Lent locks in a chokehold but since Zack is a submission expert he breaks out of it and chops the butt out of Vio. Vio and Zack immediately start trading kicks. After about forty-five kicks each they both reach into their trucks and pull out a feather.


“Hold on, are they both going to use advanced fighting techniques from the future?” asks Gold.


“Maybe Vio will get a….um…tickle of his own medicine!” says Buack. Gold laughs at that for some reason.


Vio and Zack go back and forth as they circle the ring and leap towards each other and try to tickle fight. After a few minutes of them circling the ring and almost touching the other with the feather, the referee gets irritated and takes both feathers away, he says that they aren’t allowed because they are foreign objects.


“He’s got a point they have proved to be lethal in the past,”


Vio and Zack start trading kicks again, until Vio hits a good kick and takes Zack down. Vio pins him for the three to win the match and retain the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship.


“As it seems without a shadow of a doubt, Vio Lent has beaten Zack in a fair fight and truly deserves to be the champ,” says Buack.


“Hold him down Exe! It’s tape time brah!” orders Lent. Exe Cution handcuffs Zack to the bottom rope and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out some masking tape. He hands it to Lent. Lent takes some lent off of it. He is about to stick it to Sabre’s forehead when.


KICK IT


“Andy Ridge is back mo’suckra!” says Buackson!


Vio expects him to come down the ramp but instead Ridge jumps him from behind and hits a double stomp to his back. Then he hits a Yakuza Kick to Cution. Ridge picks up a microphone.


“Don’t worry Sabre, I’ll let you out of those cuffs in a second. So? How did you guys like that? I came back from rehab from my drinking problem, tonight, AND I TOTALLY WHOOPED SOME BUTT. Pretty good for someone who does heroine and crack, right?


But yeah, I’m clean now; literally I just got out of the shower and put on my trunks. Laugh out loud. So any way, Vio Lent! You’ve been calling me names long enough. So I told The Rock that I wanted to have my first match back be a good one. So he was like, how about a Ladder Match? I was all like that’s swag man kk against Vio for the belt right and he was all if he walks out with it and I was all like tight brah, at Eternal Suffrage 2 right? He was like it’s actually called Eternal Suffering 2, but yeah. So I WAS LIKE send him a vague memo and he was like AIGH’T,” says Ridge and there you have it I guess.


Ridge unlocks the handcuffs for Zack Sabre Jr. and they celebrate and head to the back.


Backstage, Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh are chillin’.


“I’m a sports agent Ky-Ky. It’s my job,” says Walsh.


“I know but, we are bad guys now. It’s time to be tough. Remember Jagged?” asks O’Reilly


“Yes, he’s a beach, now get ready for your match, I’m a sports agent goshdarnit,” demands Walsh.


“Okay,”


“Okay what?” asks Walsh


“Okay, sir,” retorts O’Reilly.


O’Reilly puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest.


I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED


OF A FAR-OFF PLACE


WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME


WILL BE WAITING FOR ME


WHERE THE CROWDS WILL CHEER


WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE


AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING


THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE


WERP


EXCEPT NOW


I’M A HEEL


AND I’M TAKE


ING OVER


I DON’T FEEL AT ALL


SO FEAR ME


BEACHES


“Oh, great it’s that dumb beach Ky-Ky,” says Gold.


“I hate that guy,” says Buack.


Kyle O’Reilly comes out of back and the crowd starts throwing trash at Kyle because he is a bad guy. Mild Walsh comes out with him and he is smoking a cigar. A little kid gives him a bad way so he blows smoke in his face. Kyle O runs the ropes while TJP enters and his song plays. I don’t really feel like putting the lyrics in all caps right now.


They trade kicks as the bell rings but after a minute or so Kyle dodges one and hits a German Suplex, Kyle poses and spits on TJP’s face. TJP punches Kyle really good in the leg and starts doing a bunch of flippy moves and kicks Kyle a few times too. TJP is about to hit a Shooting Star Piledriver but the time limit expires and the match is a draw. TJP goes to shake hands with Kyle but since he is a bad guy now he kicks TJP in the face and punches him three times in the leg. Mild Walsh enters with a microphone.


“TJP doesn’t shake hands with dumbos, I’m gonna tell you this, I think you’re dumb and stupid!” says Walsh as he dishes out high fives.

[ndqw]

ONE MAN


MANY FRIENDS


GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS


SUPER FRIENDS


SUPER BROS


SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS


Jagged rolls into the ring and chases off both men before they could continue the verbal berating of TJP. Walsh and Kyle shouts curse you to Jagged while they run up the ramp and shake their fists.


“Thank you for saving me Jagged!” breathes TJP, he can barely get the words out due to his brutal beating.


“No problem, all in a days work, brah,” Jagged smiles at TJP and helps him to his feet.


“Don’t you just love happy endings Buack,” says Gold.


“I like it more when they all die at the end actually, but don’t worry, the show isn’t over yet so there is still time for that!” says Buackson.


We head backstage where The Natural Born Grillers (Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue) are flipping burgers with a spatula instead of a wiener. Papa Barbecue walks in and the two stop that crop.


“Boys, were you trying to give the burger an organism or something?” says Papa.


“Um…no, we were um,”


“Trying to procreate, with it or something,”


“Well, then you’d have to use an actual wiener, like this,” says Papa Barbecue as he reaches into his pants and reveals his wiener. It is quite large. His sons are amazed as he pokes the wiener through the burger. “There you have it, I have made the burger into a Hot Dog Burger, using my wiener,” declares Papa Barbecue. The Natural Born Grillers clap for this brilliant new invention.


“Now boys you got a match next, so you can’t be eating right now, you’ll throw up again,” says Papa


“But daddy!”


“No buts, go defend the belts now, I’ll be rooting for you,” says Papa Barbecue fatherly. Francis and Gene pout as they head to the ring followed by their dad.


The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships are on the line, “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue and “A1” Francis Barbecue take on the team of Lighting In The Jungle which is “Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Speedy” Marcus Speed. Both teams fought long and fought hard.


It was a really cool match. The Natural Born Grillers retained when they hit “More Sauce For Your Steak” to Ern Mystery, which is when Gene hits a steamroller to an opponent onto Francis’ knees. The grillers celebrate.




The main event of the evening was next, SSAW Global Warrior Champion “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett faced off against “The Master of Satriani”…Master Satriani. Satriani used his sumo moves against JBC and knocked him out of the ring. He started celebrating but the referee told him it wasn’t a sumo match. This made Satriani mad so he power bombed the referee. Master Satriani and John Boy started brawling all over the place. Then they start trading stone chair shots and the body counts just keep rising and rising.


“34 kids have died using stone chairs during this match, and it hasn’t even aired in the West coast yet!” shouts Buackson.


“I hate it when kids die! This is sad to me!” says Gold.


“Don’t get peey, Gold,”


“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m an adult,” says Gold as he crosses his arms and pouts.


Master Satriani hits a Tombstone Piledriver through a table then rolls JBC into the ring. He goes for a pin and another referee runs in from the back (the 1st one got power bombed).


One…


2…


“OH FLIP HE KICKED OUT!”


Master Satriani starts punching JBC in the face repeatedly, then he starts slapping him. Master Satriani takes off his headband and starts head butting JBC’s arm. The referee checks JBC’s pulse and he is still alive. Master Satriani locks in the Headlock of Deathlock (Headlock) the referee frantically checks JBC’s pulse again.


“NOT THIS WAY Master Satriani has put away 430 wrestlers with this hold and no one has even broke out of it, EVER, we will have a new SSAW Global Warrior champ. If JBC doesn’t tap, he will surely die!” explains Gold.


The crowd gets behind JBC and starts clapping for his comeback! Somehow JBC is able to fight to his feet and hit a backbreaker. Then JBC hits The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) to get the three.


“Holy ship! He’s done it. He will go down in history as the 1st person to ever break out of the Headlock of Deathlock!” says Buackson.


“Further proof that when there’s odds that need defying, well, um, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett is someone you can count on to follow through,” says Gold.


John Boy Corbett picks up a microphone and starts talking into it. “Everyone give a big hand to my opponent who came all the way from Japan to fight me hard. We had a great match and it was almost worth all those children losing their lives and dieing,” says Corbett.


The crowd claps for Master Satriani and JBC extends his hand to “The Master of Satriani”, Satriani take the hand and shakes it. THEN MASTER SATRIANI KICKS JBC IN THE BALLS.


“What a price! Who’d kick a guy in the dock?” asks Gold.


“There are a lot of aceholes, Jonathon,” says Buackson.


Master Satriani kicks JBC while he is on the ground and laughs as the scene fades to black.




LATER THAT EVENING


“What happened,” says somebody in Japanese.


“You’re dead,” says a voice.


The guy who said what happened in Japanese starts looking around, he tries to stand up but soon realizes he is tied to a chair that is bolted to the ground.


“Okay, well you’re not really dead, I’m just trying to teach you a lesson, Satriani, don’t mess with my man or there will be trouble,” says the voice.


Then there is a gunshot sound.


“Like trouble with guns,” says the voice again as the scene fades to black.




12/4/23


The Japanese guy apparently disappeared after the PPV ended last night. It may have been the Yakuza!


Chris Sabin has finished mime school he will be working the Vegas Strip pretty soon. When asked to comment on if he misses wrestling Sabin said, “Not really, ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mime because they get mad Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m all about separate but equal, not in the racist way though, like MLK is a great guy who is dead. But I mean, well, when you’re a mime people aren’t always like “hit this guy with a stone chair” they are nice instead, and well I like that I guess,”


TJP was hit by a car after the PPV and may be out of action for a year. He was trying to remember what he was strolling along and it came out of nowhere. This gave a clue at TJP’s identity, he is anonymous after all.




12/25/23


It is X-Mas and SSAW is doing a “Super Special Awesome Omega Sale” on DVDs. SSAW Revolution is only 11$ which is super cheap for the newest mdickie game.


More children ages 9 to 11 have died after receiving SSAW DVDs where there were stone chair shots. The body count is over 300 now, this may be the most murders SSAW committed at once. Experts are predicting that this will end up like 9/11 times 4000. Yes, 3,644,00.




12/59/23


Judge Sapphire has ruled on several of the murders committed by SSAW. They have been innocent so far. When SSAW were asked about this they said, “We don’t care about the families of the victims, we are an edgy program,”


Eternal Suffering 2 is just seven days away and we are 1 away from 2024. Trust me, the card is so flipping full of crazy swag you couldn’t even believe it’s only 90$


SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Ladder Match – The Biggest Lightweight Match In Wrestling History of Ever
Vio Lent © vs. Andy Ridge


They are saying the show will be available in 478 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!