13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go

[ndqw]

Dear Diary,


It’s really cold in here and I have no idea what day it is or anything. A rope binds my arms and I am stuck to this chair. I’m beginning to wonder how I am writing this in the first place but since there is a guy from the future around here somewhere. Well, whatever. I’m a goshdarn sumo warrior for Pete’s sake, why is some lunatic with a gun here holding me up? What does crazy face want with me?


Hopefully I’m out soon,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”




Dear Diary,


You know LADDERS? Course you do, LADDERS are nice! LADDERS are your friends! LADDERS help you get places you could never go without the extra height they provide. If you can’t understand that you don’t understand LADDERS.


Rehab was nice haven’t drank anything since. Even water. Get it? Nevermind. LADDERS I was writing about LADDERS. LADDERS are how you win ladder matches. You climb up them and ship. It’s a pretty interesting concept. Wanna know what happened to the first guy who lost a ladder match in SSAW? He got hit by a car. LADDERS are a dangerous thing Lenty, I wouldn’t want to get caught dead with LADDERS.


Enough rambling, Vio Lent “The Present Warrior”, well tonight I will use my friends, they are all LADDERS btdubs, to climb to places I could never get to without the extra height it provides, isn’t that nice. No, LADDERS are nice, read back it’s the second part of my second sentence. Oh yeah, and when I climb the LADDERS I will get your title belt which will then become my title belt.


ALL IN ALL, Lenty, you lose your belt, I climb LADDERS, and then you’ll get hit by a car, ‘cause that’s what happens when you lose and LADDERS are involved.


See you in the aftermath.


Peace,
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge


PS: The match will be pretty violent. Get it?






Dear Diary,


Hey! I can’t believe I’m finally getting my title match tonight. The #1 contender tournament ended like months ago, but those buttholes beat me up. John Boy Corbett is a cool guy but he is no Griller. He can’t flip a burger the way I can. I am the best at that, they always get an organism. I’m cereal. Okay well the most important thing is one having fun and two kickin’ butt which is the game plan for tonight. JBC I’m gonna turn up the burners and take your belt.


Yours truly,
“A1” Francis Barbecue, One Half of The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions




DEAR DIARY,


I AM IN A RAGE, TONIGHT I RETURN WITH A VENGEANCE!


It is set I will put the tape to Gene Barbecue and own his life; I think I’ll call him Bar Becue or maybe Spa Tula. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS. He’ll be my slave, and with one half of the tag titles under my control and the lightweight belt Lenty has, which is also under my control, The Rock, won’t be able to stop us he’ll be forced to put me up against JBC and this time I won’t fall for his tricks, for his CHEATING.


I CAN’T BLEED, HOW DID HE MAKE ME BLEED?


Whatever, Gene goes down, Gene gets tape, Lent retains belt, and then WE ARE TAKING THE PAST. Lenty thought of that name, cute right?


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




Dear Diary,


The way he sits there at his desk, oh! The way he commentates on matches, gosh! The way he’s 11 times cuter than Darren Criss, aw! I need him. Buackson you crazy son of a gun, I love you and someday we will be together forever.


Hopelessly in love,
Jonathon Gold




Dear Diary,


Just got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, looking forward to a loving marriage and to a loving wife. Our babies are going to be so cute.


Off the market,
Johnny Buackson




Eternal Suffering 2
January 7th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 478 languages and American dialects!


Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 10-minute time limit draw with “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. and “The Pirate” El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match.


“The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly are chilling backstage.


“Now, Kyle, I want you to go out there and kill Amasis show “The First Lightweight” what a true mo’suckra is,” says Walsh.


“That won’t be too hard, since I AM A BADGUY NOW, I will break the rules and beat this punk butt Amasis,” says O’Reilly. “I will kick the ship out of Amasis, I PROMISE!”


“Good boy!”


Kyle puts on his wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest, now he’s finally ready, oh so ready to go!


OHDA


RUDA


MUDA


PUNTA


GRUNDA


WANDA MONDA


FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT


Amasis does the Rey Mysterio thing and jumps onto the stage. It is really cool.


“What a dynamic entrance! I’ve never seen anything like that before!” says Buackson.


“It’s a lovely entrance,”


Amasis rolls into the ring and starts pounding the mat until his opponent comes out, but Kyle O’Reilly attacks him from behind. Kyle locks in the Walls of O’Reilly (Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab))). Amasis may tap to this but not fast enough so Kyle stomps on his head over and over, but Amasis hits a leg chop that forces Kyle to release the hold. Amasis and Kyle O’Reilly start trading kicks to the face. Amasis hit a Superkick but O’Reilly merely staggers and then hits a ROLLING DDT. Then he picks up Amasis and tosses him onto the other side of the ropes. He then grabs Amasis and pulls him through the ropes and hits a Rope Hung DDT. Amasis gets out at 2.


Kyle starts chopping Amasis repeatedly in the back. It hurts him. He goes for another pin but Amasis kicks out at 2. Kyle starts pounding the mat as Amasis gets to his feet and the tries to hit a ROLLING RKO but Amasis dodges it and grabs Kyle and goes for a Brainbuster but Kyle hits A-Mass with a knee to stop it just in time.


“IF AMASIS HAD HIT THE BRAINBUSTER IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER!”


Amasis hits Kyle with 15 slaps and tries to hit the ‘buster again but Kyle is still able to reverse it. Kyle hits a high chest kick knocking Amasis into the ropes but he bounces off of them and hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT, then a ROLLING BACK ELBOW. Amasis tries to hit a ROLLING BRAINBUSTER but Kyle counters into a Triple Powerbomb for a two count. It was a near fall though so Kyle tries to get the referee to change his decision, when he turns back around Amasis hits the Brainbuster and goes for a pin.
ONE!…


KYLE KICKS OUT AT ONE. KYLE HITS A CHOP TO THE ARM.


1….


2….


3! KYLE’S GOT IT! Kyle picks up a microphone.


“Some finisher, I kicked out at one! Pfft! Amasis you are a joke AND YOUR THEME MUSIC IS DUMB!” says Kyle O’Reilly “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless”


Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and starts stomping on Amasis. Then he picks Amasis up and puts him in between Kyle’s legs. Kyle hits him with a Spike Piledriver. Walsh checks Amasis’ pulse, he has a heartbeat so Mild Walsh hits him over the head with a stone chair.


“This is pretty darn brutal, he’s beating him down pretty hard,” says Gold.


“Reminds me of last night with my wife,” says Buackson.


Gold falls out of his chair. “What?”


“Oh, I meant the hard part, not the brutal part,” says Buackson.


ONE MAN


MANY FRIENDS


GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS


SUPER FRIENDS


SUPER BROS


SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS


“It’s Jagged, our hero has arrived!” says Buackson.


“What?”


Jagged cleans house with a stone chair. Walsh and Kyle retreat up the ramp and shake their fists at Jagged, they don’t like it when he cleans house! Jagged frantically checks Amasis’ pulse, he takes out his phone and dials 911 for help.


“Yes, I need an ambulance please, it’s an emergency, and his heart isn’t beating! I’m at the Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan! Please help! Thank you!” says Jagged.


STEP ONE YOU SAY WE NEED TO TALK


HE WALKS YOU SAY SIT DOWN IT’S JUST A TALK


YOU STARE POLITELY RIGHT ON THROUGH


SOME SORT OF WINDOW TO YOUR RIGHT


AS HE GOES LEFT AND YOU STAY RIGHT


BETWEEN THE LINES OF FEAR AND BLAME


YOU BEGIN TO WONDER WHY YOU CAME


Two medics come from the back and roll in with a gurney.


“You guys came fast,” says Jagged


“We always come fast!” says the medics in unison.


“Quick pass me a bandage!” says the one with Pring on his nametag.


“Alright!”


“All better!” says Amasis, “You three guys are heroes who have saved my life,”

[ndqw]

FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA


I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY


YOU AND I


YOU AND I


WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY


“Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Very Speedy” Holden Ross jump out from the back with microphones.


“This is so touching,” says Mystery.


“He’s just kidding! You guys are lame! You guys really think you can just walk in here and be heroes?” asks Holden Ross.


“Jagged, why don’t you and Amasis hold hands and walk yourselves to the back, so we can kick the new kids’ tiny dumb butts,” says Mystery.


Jagged and Amasis do as the team of Lightning In The Jungle say, leaving the medics in the ring. The one that’s nametag says Pring walks over to the other guy.


“Let’s fight’em I always wanted to be a wrestler!” says Pring.


“Yeah, but what would we call ourselves?” says the other one.


“Well you’re a doctor and you’re last name is Wood, so you’ll be Doctor Wood, and then I’ll be Doctor Pring. And, we’ll be a team!” says Doctor Pring.


“AND WHEN OUR COMBINED POWERS COME TOGETHER WE BECOME….um,” says Doctor Wood.


“THE HEALING POWERS,” finishes Doctor Pring! “Get it? We’re like Hogan and Savage but we’re doctors! Everyone will be like WOAH SWAG!” says Doctor Pring!


Wood picks up a microphone. “Ok, punk butts! We accept your challenge and WE WILL KICK YOUR ACES!” says Doctor Wood!


“After we beat you we’ll take you to the back on the stretcher we took to the ring, then we’ll make you feel better, um, and be ready to kick your butt again!” says Doctor Pring!


Lightning In The Jungle run to the ring and the match kicks off. Pring and Wood show off their awesome highflying healing powers with stereo Front-Flip Dropkicks, immediately both pinning their opponents but they both kick out at two. Both The Healing Powers lock in Armbars. The Jungle Lightning guys escape from the hold and both hit suplexes to The Healing Powers, then Ross tosses Doctor Wood out of the ring and dives onto him. Ern Mystery hits a stiff kick to Doctor Pring taking him off his feet then he climbs to the top rope and signals for the Swandive Headbutt (Shooting Star Headbutt) he hits it for a three count.


Ern Mystery and Holden Ross laugh about how easy it was to defeat those nerds as they walk to the back.


We go backstage where Gene Barbecue is preparing for his match. He is trying to flip a burger but correctly like Papa showed him. Papa Barbecue interrupts him.


“No, bad, you can’t eat now you have a match against an extremely powerful opponent next, he’s from the future,” says Papa Barbecue.


“But daddy! I’m hungry!” says Gene as he crosses his arms and pouts.


“Last time you ate before your match you threw up all over the place, that wasn’t good, it made our happy family look bad. WE DON’T WANT TO LOOK BAD GENE! Don’t make Papa Barbecue give you a whippin’ NO BUTS,” yells Papa Barbecue as he strikes his whip on the ground.


“I’m sorry daddy,” pleads Gene.


“Jesus loves you, as do I, now go fight Tri Bute, before I give you a beating for being too slow,” orders Papa Barbecue.


“Parents abusing their adult children, how edgy are we, Gold?” asks Buackson.


“What?” says Gold, still stunned from earlier I suppose.


A casket lowers from the rafters decorated with purple skulls and the like, there are also flames and there is barbwire on the bottom. Think of the coolest casket ever, multiply it by 40 swags and that’s what you got. It hits the ground and the touchdown themes stars playing.


TAKE MY LOVE


TAKE MY LAND


TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND


I DON’T CARE


I’M STILL FREE


YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME


The casket pops open and then dawns the glorious return of “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”.


“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all your ever gonna be is mean


Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all your ever gonna be is mean


WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO MEAN?” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop Gene Barbecue listens to, yeah, he listens to T-Swizzle. What a fog right? Amiriht? Seriously Taylor Swift is the pits the only version of Mean I could possibly listen to is the Puckerman and Coach Beast duet from Glee,” says Tri Bute. “And I know you idiots are going to try to defend him, be all like, well “you can only rip on taste in music, don’t you know everyone’s is diff?” but I’ll be like of course I do that, IT’S THE ONLY VERBAL WEAPON I NEED BEACH! I listen to people who are actually talented, they aren’t necessarily alive yet, but I know of them because I’M FROM THE FUTURE. I know everything! I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RIP ON ANYONE WHO LIKES DOLLY PARTON, cause she sucks. SHE SUCKS COOK! Think the gods that IN THE FUTURE, we burned all the books and banned fun throughout the universe,” says Tri Bute.


“What a dock, someone should put a stop to this,” says Johnny Buackson at ringside.


I LOVE STEAK


I LOVE SAUCE


OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!


STEAK IS GOOD


SAUCE IS GOOD


OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD


DP IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE


TS IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE


BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE


ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE


YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE


Gene Barbecue walks out from the back with a microphone, “I’m gonna make this short and sweet. TRI BUTE ME AND YOU, R FEUDING. I THINK YOU SUCK. LET’S FIGHT NOW! You know what you are? You’re mean! AND THAT’S ALL YOUR EVER GONN FILPIN’ BE,” yells Gene as he runs to the ring and the match kicks off.


Gene and Butey start punching the ship out of each other. It is like a huge brawl. Then they start trading kicks to the face! One kick knocks Tri Bute into the ropes, then Gene charges at him but Butey ducks and pulls the top rope down and Gene flies over him like a dumb butt.


“Wow, what a dumb butt!” says Buackson while giggling like a girl.


Gene gets back in the ring and looks really mad. Gene bounces off the ropes and goes for a closeline, but Tri Bute ducks under it and Gene accidentally closelines the referee. Gene starts checking the referee’s pulse while Butey exits the ring and grabs a stone chair! He hits Gene over the head with the chair and goes for a pin, but the referee doesn’t count because he is still down. Tri Bute wakes up the referee then signals for his finisher, Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam)! He hits Gene with the chokeslam and covers him but he kicks out and two and Tri Bute gets really pee’d off! So he grabs the referee by the neck and chokeslams him too. On the way down the referee calls for the bell giving Gene Barbecue the win via disqualification.


“Lame, I think you should be aloud to hit the referee,” says Buackson as he crosses his arms and pouts.


Tri Bute is mad that he lost so he scales to the top rope and hits Gene with Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg-Clap Frogsplash). Then Tri Bute spits on Gene. Then Tri Bute gets a microphone.


“Gene, I think you’re a major beach. The fact that you are a champion and I’m not makes me flippin’ sick, I’m FROM THE MOTHER FLIPPIN’ FUTURE. Title belts should be handed to me! So I’m challenging you and your dockface brother to A TAG TEAM MATCH. MY BEST FRIEND AND I VERSES YOU FOGS for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. What do you say beach?” says Tri Bute, laying down the challenge.


Gene says okay. THEN TRI BUTE SPITS ON HIM AGAIN WHAT A JERK.


“Wow! That Tri Bute guy is such a jerk! Right Gold?”


“What?”


“Okay I’ll do your part from now on, gosh darn you’re useless. Yeah Buack! Oh look something’s happening backstage, very interesting Gold!” says Buackson.


Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) are hanging out backstage.


“So…who do you think is Tri Bute’s best friend?” asks Cution.


“It doesn’t really matter, it’s probably one of us, what matters is that I got to defend the title tonight. IN A LADDER MATCH! It’s next I’m kind of stressing out, brah,” says Lent.


“Do you want a backrub?”


“Yes!” utters Lent excitedly as Exe Cution oils his back and puts the rubdown on him. “Oh yeah, that feels good, keep it up muchacho, oh yeah, you know how I like it. Relaxation is exactly what I need. That druggie butt head girl pants Andy Ridge is going to get his dumb sissy butt kicked, deeper, he is going to try to use ladders to win? Well I’m going to use my smart, sexy, and powerful brain to knock his face off. Oh ship that’s good, oh yes deeper, Andy Ridge is gonna go down and then we will start TAKING THE PAST!” says Lent. “Thanks Exe, it’s time to climb the ladder and keep my title,”


We go back to the ring, which is surrounded by ladders for the 12th ladder match in SSAW history! SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion Vio Lent will take on “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge for that great championship which will be hung up 20 feet high! Both participants enter the ring and start kicking the poop out of each other. Out of nowhere a ROLLING ROUNDHOUSE KICK knocks Vio Lent out of the ring and through a ladder, thinking on his feet, Andy Ridge rolls out of the ring and tosses a ladder into the ring, but before he can get in Exe Cution spears the ship out of him.


“SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!” yells Buackson.


“Oh lord Jesus there’s a SPEAR!” shouts Buackson doing a Jonathon Gold impression.


Exe Cution stands up and smiles at the camera, then all the sudden he starts clutching his chest and he falls to the ground.

[ndqw]

--June 4th 2028--
TLC 3
Ryan, Oklahoma


SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Rip Impact holds the belt tightly to his shoulder as Troy Stone announces him as the champion! The referee is about to ring the bell and kick off this triple threat dark match when David Hart Smith stops him, “NO”, “I want to call someone out here first, the other “David Hart Smith”, his name is Exe Cution. You are an imposter!” exclaims DH Smith!


A ceiling panel starts to loosen from the top of the Super Special Awesome Dome it starts falling, this isn’t the first time this has happened to DH Smith! Davey Richards, the third man in the triple threat kicks the panel out of the sky before it comes crashing down on Smith.


“Third time’s the charm. Do you really think I’d fall for that again, Exe? Whenever I mentioned you before that happened so wouldn’t you think I’d be expecting it this time? You can’t keep me quiet, beach, you just flippin’ can’t. THIS IS THE EDGIEST SHOW ON TV! You think some falling panels will take me down? I have friends who know how to kick em’. Come out here now Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m gonna teach you that separate educational facilities are inherently unequal! By the end of the night THEY WILL CALL ME BROWN VERSES BOARD OF EDUCATION!” warns David Hart Smith!


I’M DAVID HART SMITH


I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW


I’M DAVID HART SMITH


I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW


CANADA


YEAH


CANADA


YEAH


Exe Cution comes down to the ring with a microphone. “Okay, I guess I got some explaining to do, my time of importance in this company is wearing thin, after events happened and the men I was close to disappeared, I’ve pretty much just been getting a pay check for no reason. So I’ll acknowledge you now. I am not an ‘imposter’.


I am a clone of you. That’s what I am. That’s my identity. I was in a test tube once. I was some of your saliva. When you get cancer and die, one of the doctors was a huge fan of you back when you were body slamming both members of KICK, he was obsessed, his favorite wrestler died but he knew of a way to save you. TO SAVE YOU FOREVER. He took some of your spit that he had in his refrigerator, then he tossed the spit into a cloning machine, which he built out of bricks.


That was me in the test tube! I emerged from the brick cloning machine wearing tights and I uttered my first words. I think I said papa. That doctor raised me like a Hart would, like a Smith would. LIKE A DAVID WOULD. He showed me how to do a Sharpshooter, then he showed me how to do a Powerslam. I had all the tools I needed, I knew everything about you. But what would I do with these tools? I knew so much all I could think about was meeting you and becoming tag team partners but you were dead. Then my papa shortly got cancer and died. I was all alone. Then I listened to some Darren Criss song. I realized I didn’t have to be alone.


SO I WENT BACK IN TIME! To April 2nd 2023. I tapped my heels together and believed and the gods rewarded me and sent me there. I was all set I was about to shake hands with you, but you were being carted by on a stretcher. Of all the days I chose to go back in time to I picked the one where you get hit by a car. It was some guy who didn’t like DH Smith who did it.


Then The Rock approached me, he asked me if I could do your moves I said I knew them then he said good cause you look like David Hart Smith so pretend to be him and fight Tri Bute. I said okay. Tri Bute handed my ax to me in that match. I was so dead from all his finishing moves, so he decided to put a piece of tape on my head. It made me his slave. My soul was slowly sucked away, it had a different effect on me, it was different than Vio Lent. I aged incredibly quickly; I started to look less David Hart Smith more Ludvig Bortega. And the worst part was I didn’t make it into the NFL.


Hold on.


Sorry, the worst part was I couldn’t control my actions. I couldn’t confess to you that I was you. But Tri Bute can’t tell me what to do anymore. I was afraid to tell you the truth until now, I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” explained Cution.


“So, we are one in the same?” asks Smith.


“Yes,”


A long moment passes slowly. Smith grabs Exe Cution and pulls him in for a little “over 5 years in the making” hug. “Welcome to the family, Cution,” says David Hart Smith. Exe Cution begins to tear up. “Now, how would you like to fight in a match with me, and against me? You’re a former champion, if you’re me, why don’t you join our match and make it a 4-Way for the title? That’s cool with you guys, right? It’ll be friendly competition!” says Smith.


“The more the merrier!” says Impact and Richards at the same time. “Jinx, silly,” says Impact as he tickles Richards, “You owe me a coke!”


David looks at Cution and waits for his answer, Cution wipes some tears away and nods! The title match is now a 4-Way and the match then begins. All was well.


WERP WERP WERP WERP


“Cution wake up,” says Vio Lent as he shakes his manager, “I just lost the title, you were suppose to be helping me win not taking a flippin’ nap, I am so pee’d off at you!” Lent starts pouting as we head backstage!


Francis Barbecue is about to eat a steak but then Papa Barbecue walks in. “What the flip is this Franny? I’ll whip you. PUT DOWN THE STEAK YOU HAVE A FLIPPING MATCH NEXT. Were you planning on pulling a Gene or something? Do you want to throw up all over the ring?” asks Papa Barbecue.


“It’s not what it looks like! I was just smelling it!”


“Yeah right, do you think I was born yesterday? I’LL KICK YER ACE FRANNY!”


“Please don’t call me Franny, that’s a girl name,” pleads Franny.


“I WILL CALL YOU WHAT I WANT TO CALL YOU. You better make me proud and become the first double champion. TONIGHT you better beat JBC or yer gonna have a sore ace,” threatens Papa. “Now get out there! AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EATING BEFORE A MATCH that will be the end of ya SON.”


Franny follows his orders and goes out to face John Boy Corbett IN OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!


“The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP, it is our main event!” announces Troy Stone.


I AM A COWBOY


I LOVE RODEOS


I AM A COWBOY


I MILK COWS


I AM A COWBOY


I LIKE MIELY CYRUS


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW


I AM A COW


BOY


COW


BOY


MOTHER TRUCKER ER ER ER ER ER


“Now making his way to the ring, he is the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION “Bear Skin” “The Manliest Man In Sports Entertainment” John Boy Corrrrrrrrrrrbett!” says Troy Stone, making sure that he rolls his ‘r’s.


“The champion is coming out first? That’s so dumb!” says Buackson doing his impression of Gold.


“Quit beaching, grievous are you on your pyramid or something? I didn’t know it was the 18th already!” says Buackson back at himself.


Franny also gets introduced for the match, and so it begins! 25 minutes of wall-to-wall action, Franny and John Boy traded swag Russian Leg Sweeps for a few minutes but out of nowhere JBC switched it up and hit a German Suplex. Franny kicked out at two and immediately sprung to his feet! He followed up with several clubby blows to the chest the hit a ROARING GERMAN SUPLEX! He DOESN’T go for the pin! Instead he locks in the Barbemission (Tazzmission).


“Barbiemission? Is he going to the mall or something to get some make-up?” asks Buack.


Corbett is about to tap but instead he grabs a rope forcing the referee to break it up! Franny starts arguing with Elder Justice when JBC hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) to Franny. He goes for the pin


1…


2….


“HE KICKED OUT! THAT’S THE FIRST TIME EVER! GREVIOUS CRISP!” exclaims Buackson!


John Boy Corbett says that cowboy thing that cowboys say, the thing in his theme song, you know, then he hoists Franny up for The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) and hits him with it for the 3 to retain the championship! John Boy helps Franny to his feet and they shake hands. THEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT!


“The lights are off! Oh no!” screams Buackson!

[ndqw]

The tron starts lighting up and flashing, and crop. Then OUT OF NOWHERE A CHAIR DROPS FROM THE RAFTERS. The camera pans up to see who dropped it, but a figure moves away before we can get a good look at him.


JBC bends down and looks at the chair, then he turns it over and a nail is sticking out of it!


“A Nail Chair? That’s the signature weapon of…” his voice trails off and on cue, the tron stops flashing and shows a wall covered with blood, the splotches of chicken blood spelled out a message intended for the SSAW Global Warrior Champion.


“Her skeleton will remain in the chamber forever, oh and I’m coming back at the next show to fight you for the belt,” read the bloody message.


“Oh ship. That’s big, this is huge, the return of “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, “That Nail Chair Wielding Mother Flipper”, is coming back at Valentine’s Day Massacre 3, February 14th, 2024. It’s been over a year sense we’ve seen his gruesome, limb hacking, deathly murder killer face. AND HE’S COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, he wants JBC who is still Global Warrior champion after ending his glorious reign in HECK IN A CELL. We’ll probably never have another one of those.


There was so much wreckage so much near-death murder happenings of near-death murder swag. At the end Flanders laid broken through a glass table with thumbtacks in his left leg, and regular tacks in his right. His neck was broken and his heart stopped beating for 10 minutes. It was the greatest triumph in John Boy’s life, but now the demon is back and unleashed. Next month we see their greatest showdown yet. Yes, it is Corbett verses Flanders eight, not sure which Star Wars movie that is, but it’s two after Return of The Jedi. Right, Flanders v. Corbett Episode VIII: The Unstoppable Entity of Righteous Death Serum, on Pay-per-view,” breathes Buackson, clearly awed at the superultraclashswagyolo that will happen next month.


John Boy Corbett starts crying as all his painful memories and nightmares appear before his eyes and the scene fades to black.




1/8/24


Last night’s SSAW PPV, was, really flippin’ swag. Buy the replay. CACTUS FLANDERS IS BACK, I’m gonna wink all flippin’ day now, holy ship.


Sabin said in an interview that being a mime is cool yada yada,


Still haven’t seen Master Satriani around, hopefully he’s dead he can’t wrestle for butt. Headlock as a finisher? Tapped out 420 guys with it? Screams jobber joke all over it.


I thought the ladder match was going to be match of the night, but only the live crowd got to see that, whatever, we got a Exe Cution, flash forward? I thought that show was cancelled decades ago.




1/54/24


SSAW committed some more murders apparently due to the stone chair shot on their programming. To bad they don’t all go to Judge Sapphire, because he is my boy and he always strikes them down since they are so silly.


Seriously the whole point of TV is to be as edgy as possible, remember when Edge flipped that girl on WWE TV and we got to see a bobby pin? That was edgy SSAW are trying to bring the Attitude Era back, so what if a few kids die every month.




1/105/24


Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 is just fourteen days away! Holy butt, “That Nail Chair Mo’suckra” is back with killing on the mind. He’s gonna shatter some skulls. STACKED CARD


SSAW Global Warrior Championship – 8th Time In Your Lifetime, Probably More, Singles Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Cactus Flanders


They are saying the show will be available in 503 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!

[ndqw]

8/2/10 (American Style)
11 Bad Things


Brain Damage interrupted the pre-show proceedings to cut a promo about Sherman Tank while smashing light tubes over his head. He’s more hardcore than Mick Foley. He was going to smash the final tube onto his head but he decided to save it for Sherman Tank.


Green Ant said it was his honor to open up the first ever Super Special Awesome Wrestling event.


Green Ant d. Acid Jaz in 47 seconds when he submitted to the Cloverleaf.


RV1 is backstage he was pretending to smoke something but there is clearly nothing there. RV1 says he’s a fighter and is prepared to bring the fight whenever he can!


“The Badbutt” RV1 d. “Bladez” Jason Blade when he hit The Badbutt Spin Kick (Spin Kick).


Sherman Tank says that Brain Damage takes a mean game and then says the cliché that usually goes with that. Tank says he will Tank Out Brain Damage. Get it?


Sherman Tank d. Brain Damage when a light tube shot aimed at Sherman instead hit the referee allowing Sherman to hit the Tank Out (Double Closeline).


Rip Impact says he won a tournament in Brazil to be here today, so he will no doubt walk out with the greatest championship in SSAW. THE SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP. He says he’d kill for any belt.


Rip Impact d. Frightmare via cheating to win the vacant SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship and become the inaugural champion. Impact hightails it up the ramp before Frightmare can get his hands on him.




SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Rip Impact © d. RV1 (Eye Poke) 9/11/10
--Rip Impact © d. Konrad (Low Blow) 10/3/10
--Rip Impact © d. Frightmare (Spear Into Exposed Turnbuckle) (afterwards Impact ran him over with a lawn mower) Match 3 of a Best of Five Series 1/2/11
--Impressed by that edgy spot WWE signed both Rip Impact and Frightmare vacating the Backyard Warrior Championship January 2011
--Kyle O’Reilly d. Jason Blade, Retail Dragon, and Earl Huff to win the vacant championship (Shipload of Kicks) 2/14/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Green Ant (Brainbuster followed by REALLY HARD KICK) 3/6/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Deranged (ROLLING KNEE STRIKE) 4/30/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. RV1 (Rollup) 5/1/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Chucky Blaze (Super German Suplex) 6/5/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Arik Cannon (Stylez accidently hit Cannon with a Frying Pan) 7/3/11




8/7/11 (American Style)
Super One Year Spectacular


Supa Cito Kid came out from the back before the lights came out he said he was Supa excited to open the show in a six man tag in a bit.


Iain Morris came out of the back too and joined Supa Cito Kid, they chatted about their favorite movies released in 2004. Supa Cito Kid said his favorite movie was Iron Jawed Angels, Morris agreed with him he thought the contrived romantic plot with Patrick Dempsey was completely necessary.


Iain Morris, Supa Cito Kid and Retail Dragon d. Brian Fury, Earl Huff, and Shawn Stylez when Morris and Supa Cito hit Shawn Style with the Iron Jawed Angel Kick (Double Yakuza Kick)


Michael Avery came out from the back with handcuffs and a microphone. He called Zack Sabre Jr. an illegal immigrant and threatened to put him under arrest unless he faces him next! Junior entered and accepted the challenge.


Michael Avery d. Zack Sabre Jr. when he hit Deported (ROLLING ELBOW), Avery put the cuffs on him but Junior was able to use the force to escape the cuffs. He had just watched Attack of The Clones the day before.


Deranged appeared backstage, he noted that next he will face Green Ant in an Ironman Match, he also said he isn’t a Plessy v. Ferguson who plays by rules, he uses weapons, he’s like Mick Foley, then he crushed a light tube on his head. He took another light tube and said that on is for Green Ant.


Green Ant d. Deranged in a 45-Minute Ironman Match (Twist on the normal rules) 11 falls to 9 falls. Ant won most of his with the Cloverleaf, Deranged with Light tube shots.


Everyone thought that was the main event then a pane of glass on the ramp was shattered by Sherman Tank making his SSAW return. He said that management has decided to give him a title match tonight since the original match fell through when WWE’s CM Punk got hit by a car. The fans that paid to see Punk were pretty sad.


Sherman Tank d. Kyle O’Reilly © when Shawn Stylez distracted O’Reilly allowing Sherman Tank to hit a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb) to get the win and become the new SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion.




SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Sherman Tank © d. RV1 (Triple PowerTank) 9/11/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Green Ant (Three Spears) 10/2/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Kyle O’Reilly (BearTANK (Bearhug)) 11/6/11
--Sherman Tank got hit by a car and was forced to vacate the belt November 2011
--Deranged d. Kyle O’Reilly (Light Tube To The Stomach) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 2/14/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (Light Tube Bodyslam) 3/4/12
--Deranged © d. Matt Vaughn (Light Tube Chair Shot) 4/1/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (2 Light Tube Bodyslams) 6/3/12
--Deranged © d. Arik Cannon (Pizza Cutter To The Neck (RKO)) 7/1/12




8/5/12 (American Style)
Super 2 Year Spectacular


Retail Dragon d. Moohamad in the dark match when hit a DDT.


Brain Damage cut a promo on STIGMA, he said that he is a real wrestler and he fights like one so he better watch out or he’ll end up with brain damage. Get it?


Brain Damage d. STIGMA with 5 DDTs and a light tube shot when the referee’s back was turned. STIGMA watched out and avoided brain damage this time, but next time if he fails to watch out then he might get it.


Sherman Tank entered the arena with a microphone and said that getting hit by a car really hurt his body and has taken its tool. Tank says with the injury it is really hard to wrestle somebody but that he is willing to fight through it for one last match!


Sherman Tank d. Green Ant with the Tank Out (Double Closeline) afterwards Tank and Green Ant hugged and all the good guys came out and they had a retirement boogie. They all did the Thriller dance since Michael Jackson is dead.


Shawn Stylez came out and crashed the party; he said matches are going to start happening now so they better all go to the back. Sherman Tank told Stylez to come into the ring after all his friends left. Tank hit Stylez with a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb).


Helios d. Eric Porter with a Double Rotation Moonsault for a three. That move was really cool.


Deranged came out from the back and said that since Kyle O’Reilly’s contract was stolen by evil pirates and sold to the WWE he couldn’t cash in his title shot tonight. He went on to say that this was his plan all along and that the evil pirates that kidnapped O’Reilly were his crewmembers and he was the Captain! He announced a swashbuckler’s open challenge will main event the show next. Deranged has evolved, he is now “Swashbuckling” Captain Deranged!


Captain Deranged © d. Andrew Alexander when he hit a Piratebomb (Powerbomb) to retain the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Deranged picked up Alexander and move thieves him hitting him with a Great Slam (Bodyslam) but onto a board! Then he spits on him!




SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Green Ant d. Captain Deranged ©, Eric Porter and Helios (Cloverleaf to Porter) 9/11/12
--Green Ant © d. Pinkie Sanchez (Rollup) 10/7/12
--Green Ant © d. Sabian (Antdriver (Piledriver)) 11/4/12
--After the match Sabian kicked Green Ant really hard in the head taking him out of action for some time and vacating the championship November 2012
--Helios d. Eric Porter, Fire Ant, and Soldier Ant (Double Rotation Moonsault on Porter) to win the vacant championship 12/21/12
--Helios d. Eric Porter (Middle Rope Phoenix Splash) 1/6/13
--Helios says he wanted to do something special for his girlfriend so he is choosing to vacate the title in order to spend time with her on Valentine’s Day February 2013
--Soldier Ant d. Brandon Van Danielson, Jaysin Strife, and Zack Sabre Jr. (Antdriver to Van Danielson (Piledriver)) to win the vacant championship 2/14/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Green Ant (Cloverleaf) 4/7/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Atomic Boy (Antdiver (Piledriver)) 7/7/13




SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship
--Kyle Matthews and Dusty Adonis d. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant (Adonis hits ROLLING ELBOW to Soldier Ant; Fire Ant watched him get pinned) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 6/2/13
--Kyle Matthews © and Dusty Adonis © d. Eddie Kingston and Brain Damage (Matthews his a Low Blow to Eddie Kingston) 7/7/13
--Kyle Matthews crashed his car into a tree but it was little one so he only got injured forcing them to vacate the titles July 2013

[ndqw]

Dear Diary,


GENE BARBECUE, you think you’re better than me? Flip you you’re not. IT’S ME AND MY BEST FRIEND AGAINST YOU. We’re gonna kick your flippin’ ace. Do you want to get shot? Well I’m not gonna do that but I’ll kick your ace hard as flip. Fo’sho.


TAKING THE PAST isn’t just a stable name it is a life style I ALWAYS TAKE. THE PAST. I ALWAYS TAKE THE PAST!


DOUBLE BED WARRIOR CHAMPIONS? You two are a couple of sisters and we’re in prison and you dropped the soap, um, we are in co-ed showers, uh then me and my buddy rope you two! Then you two will be our Valentines! RESPECT THE FUTURE! You will lose your titles tonight. Hold on tight to them while you still can. It is my destiny to win the belts from you two girl clown sister frags, ALL I NEED IS DESTINY.


WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!


Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




Dear Diary,


I hope I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I have all this pent up aggression I need to take out on something. HE’S MARRIED WHAT THE FLIP! HOW COME I WASN’T INVITED TO THE CEREMONY? HOW COME HE DIDN’T MARRY ME? I LOVE HIM!!!!!1 Excuse my moment of distress. I don’t really know what else to say.


Yeah,
Jonathon Gold




Diary Dearest,


Ever since I became a bad guy I’ve had this yearning for blood, I want to kill someone and draw pretty pictures with the blood. Then that silly Rock puts me up against the only other man who can hold candles to my legacy. I’ll beat the snot out of that little girl face horse butt monkey frag. Then I’ll become the number one contender again, win the title, and bring a new swagger to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship that only my epic heelness could provide. NOW I’M A HEEL.


AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly




Dear Diary,


Well cars hurt, but whatever I’ll be fine. I’m not going to be out for a year, I’ll probably fight tonight if I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I am probably. Andy Ridge beat me. It was really cool the way he did it or whatever. If Exe Cution wasn’t a flippin’ idiot taking a nap I would still be champ, but 400 days isn’t that bad I guess. Past taking time I guess.


From,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent




Dear Diary,


Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I’m always telling myself it’s the time to let go. But moving on from him is…..


-JBC




Valentine’s Day Massacre 3
February 14th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 503 languages and American dialects!


“The Pirate Lord” Hijo Del Pirata Morgan d. “The Sith Killer” Zack Sabre Jr. after hitting a moonsault from heck in the dark match.


FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA


I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY


YOU AND I


YOU AND I


WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY


“Woohoo!”


“We’re are kicking off tonight’s SUPER PPV EXTRAVAGANZA with tag team action! Violence! Wreckage! Murder! Kill! Death! Bear Skin! IT ALL GOES DOWN TONIGHT!” says Johnny Buackson!


“So, hold on tight! This next match is a dream! Remember those medics from last week? They are taking on a couple of High Flyers! The debuting Ryan Flanders and Holden Ross! They are friends with “Speedy” Marcus Speed and “Mysterious” Ern Mystery so this is pretty much a grudge match!” says Jonathon Gold.


“Oh man it’s so great to hear you say something other than what. That sexy voice of yours gives the ladies at home an organism every time!”


“Oh Johnny your such a flirt! Sorry about my intense shock. I really wasn’t expecting that stone chair shot. It was so edgy and pretty much summed up what this whole show is about. Sometimes stuff that happens is so edgy that it can even put your “Guides Into This Wonderful World of Edginess” in a state of panic. It had absolutely nothing to do with you saying you flipped your wife hard,” says Gold.


“It’s starting to give me an organism too, grievous crisp maybe we should put a muzzle on those soft, sweet, delicate lips,”


Anyway, The Healing Powers took on Lightning In The Jungle, in this case it is the team of Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders! It is a great high pace match! Doctor Pring hit a really hard spin kick to Ross once and it almost KO’d him. Instead of going for the pin, his doctor instincts kicked in and he checked his pulse. His heart was still beating so everything is okay. Pring then went for a pin remembering where he was!


1…


KICKOUT GRIEVOUS CRISP!


Ross tags in to his partner whom immediately hits Doctor Pring with the OKR (Neckbreaker) for the three to win the match! Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders celebrated their way to the back while Doctor Wood gave his partner CPR.


“BOYS I TELL YOU A LOT OF WISE THINGS,” says Papa Barbecue as we head backstage. He is wearing a military uniform and has an Indiana Jones whip on hand. “BUT NOW I’M GON TELL YOU SOME SHIP ME PAPA TELLED ME,” says Papa Barbecue. “When I was a boy he’d telled me, when you fight a person from the future and his best friend, you have to use all your brains and all you your guts to your advantage. That’s what you boys better goshdarn do or you’ll get my goshdarn whip. Franny, how’s your ace from losing to JBC?” asks Papa.


“It’s all sore,” pouts Francis Barbecue as he rubs his bottom.


“And yours from throwin’ up Ginny?” asks Papa making sure his boys have learned their lesson, first demeaning them with girls names since those are the lesser of the two sexes.


“Although the pain has passed physically, I don’t think I will never forget what that whippin’ felt like. It was all sore fo’sho,” says Gene Barbecue.


“Now, be good tonight. Be real amazing. MAKE YOUR DADDY PROUD OR YOU’LL HAVE A SORE ACE. I’m not afraid to whip you boys. In fact I get a kick out of it,” says Papa. “God didn’t give me daughters when I asked for sons did he? Now the match isn’t until a wee bit later, so don’t worry about it right now. Just no eating before the match or there will be trouble,” says Papa.


He cracks the whip onto the floor!


“That Papa Barbecue and his outdated parenting methods!” says Gold.


“What silly skylarking will The Natural Born Grillers get into next?” says Buack!


“That’s a cute question, they are a zany bunch of silly bills! But, we need to move on to something more serious. The eighth Star Wars film is happening tonight! It’s John Boy Corbett vs. Cactus Flanders for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship! IN OUR MAIN EVENT!” says Gold!


“That’s some hot ship! OH! I forgot to tell you my wife will be commentary with us for the main event, she’s a biker chick so she knows a lot about WCW and the old school not as edgy days of wrestling! You’d love her! Hey maybe if you get one we could swap fo- well actually I’m getting a little ahead of myself,” says Buack.


“Let’s ignore that last part for now, does she do analogies?” asks Gold.


Our next contest is a title match! Andy Ridge will defend his newly won SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship against Austin Creed! It was a match that was full of fun and it was the first match in awhile from Ridge that our PPV audience got to see since TLC 2, the ladder match where he won the title was interrupted by a flash forward of Exe Cution’s. They don’t call Andy Ridge “Mr. Yakuza Kick” for nothing! The match saw Ridge use the Yakuza Kick several times but Austin Creed was quite the crafty one and he was able to dodge it a few times!


Creed took the advantage when he hit Ridge with five bodyslams in succession then climbed to the top rope and went for a Leg-Clap Frogsplash, which he hit for a two count.


“Oh man that was a thing of beauty, Ballzy is such an innovator!”


“Well, does she?” asks Gold.


“Man, Austin Creed is to Leg-Clap Frogsplash as Andy Ridge is to Yakuza Kick, that’s for sure!” announces Buack!


Creed and Ridge trade knife-edge chops IT IS SO AWESOME! Ridge gets Creed into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him! One of the commentators makes a racist joke that I don’t feel good about typing out. THEN RIDGE HITS THE ROLLING YAKUZA KICK!


“Gosh darn grievous crisp!” shouts Buackson!


“Why isn’t he going for the pin?” asks Gold!


“NO! NOT THIS RIDGE YOU ARE CRAY!” shouts Buack!


Ridge hits Creed with a ROLLING ELECTRIFYING PEOPLE’S GREAT ONE ELBOW!


ONE


TWO

THREE, it’s over Andy Ridge took Creed to his limit! Ridge got on the microphone after the match and said The Rock and him are friends so he lets him use his moves, he says he doesn’t want anyone to think that he was a dirty thief! He reminds us that he took a shower before the match so he is clean not dirty! Ridge reminds the kids at home to brush their teeth and eat their veggies!


“Man, that Andy Ridge is a gentleman and a scholar!” says Gold.


“Unlike these two, they are bad guys, let’s head backstage,” says Buackson.


“You have a big number one contender match next Ky-Ky! YOU READY? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” says Mild Walsh!


“Jagged is a punk butt, he’s been harshin’ on my groove, but I think it’s time for “The Emperor of Wrestling” to get a new groove. I’ll kick every inch of his body with almost every inch of mine, especially my feet!” says Kyle O’Reilly, is there any line this bad guy won’t cross?


“KYLE! Tonight we will show Jagged what being a bad guy is all about. You’ll kick him in the head as hard as possible, make sure to slap you thigh to make it sound cooler, and I’ll be prepared to aid you in any way. I have bags with different powders and I know how to throw a fireball and do that mist thing. Do you want a backrub?” asks Walsh.

[ndqw]

“No, the last guy that got a backrub got hit by a car. I’ll just rub oil on myself and put on wrist tape. I’m a bad guy gosh darnit!” says Kyle O’Reilly!


“How about a hamjog?” asks Gold, as the scene fades away.


ONE MAN


MANY FRIENDS


GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS


SUPER FRIENDS


SUPER BROS


SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS


“The King of The Cage” Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did like when he was in WWE like towards the beginning-ish.


“Wow, that entrance was something I like and something that’s never been done ever!” says Buackson!


“I thought it was really cute!” says Gold.


Jagged rolls into the ring and all the fans cheer for him because he is so cool. The winner of this match will get a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior Championship next month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, all the way in Spain, honoring the 21st anniversary of those awful Madrid train bombings, EDGY.


I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED


OF A FAR-OFF PLACE


WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME


WILL BE WAITING FOR ME


WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER

WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE


AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING


THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE


WERP


EXCEPT NOW


I’M A HEEL


AND I’M TAKE


ING OVER


I DON’T FEEL AT ALL


SO FEAR ME


BEACHES!


“And speak of the dummies, here they are now!”


“Those sick perverts!” says Gold as he slams his hand on the desk, “I don’t like them!”


“Didn’t you want to give Ky-Ky a hamjog?” questions Buack!


“I forgot he was a bad guy!” says Gold


The match itself was nonconsensual and hard. Kyle O’Reilly literally kicked every inch of Jagged’s body, he even checked with a tape measure. Then Mild Walsh distracted the referee so Kyle could kick Jagged in the dock. Kyle then signaled for the Guillotine! Kyle starts choking out Jagged with his best finisher!


“Uh oh! This move makes people cough blood! Usually he saves it for special occasions!”


“This is a special occasion,” says Gold!


Jagged starts coughing blood causing the referee to ring the bell and stop the match.


“Your winner and new #1 Contender via referee stoppage, “Loveless” “Blockbuster” “The Emperor of Wrestling” “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly!” announces ring announcer Troy Stone!


Kyle flashes Jagged an in a bad way, then rolled out of the ring, and walked over to the announce booth.


“I’m ready for my hamjog,” says Kyle to Jonathon Gold. Gold refuses, but Kyle takes a piece of ham out of his tights and tells Jonathon, “If you don’t make it jog, I’ll beat the crop out of you,”


“HEY, beach boy, back off, the only guy here that’ll get a hamjog from Goldo, is me so back the flip off or I’ll teach you both how to Dougie (in the future that is a way to get beat up not a dance)!


Intimidated, Ky-Ky backs off, Mild Walsh reassures Jonathon Gold that, “Kyle will be back for his hamjog when your boyfriend isn’t around to protect you, you owe it to him you slot bag,” Mild Walsh always threatens people.




MEANWHILE IN AN ABONDONED SHACK,


“Hey, Satriani? Do you want out of here?” asks a voice.


“Well, yes, duh, I do! You only let me drink cream soda. CREAM SODA SUCKS! I’m going crazy, AM I GOING TO DIE IN HERE? It’s been like 2 and a half months, I’d like to continue wrestling,” says Satriani, still tied to the chair which is bolted down.


“Okay, I’ll let you out but you have to promise me something.”


“What?”


“You have to join my bowling team, were short a guy, oh and you have to back me up tonight in my match, you know help me win and stuff,”


“Who are you facing?”


“John Boy Corbett,”


“I thought you said you were friends?”


We are, but like how bad guys call good guys their friends, then the good guy is all like HEY WE AIN’T FRIENDS YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER, and then the bad guy is like yeah but I like you wanna team up?” says the voice.


“So you want to team up with JBC?”


“No, I want you to team up with me, pay attention shiphead,”


“That’s the first time you cussed at me! Do you really have to use that language? Are you a sailor?” asks Master Satriani.


“No, I’m EDGY! NOW ARE YOU GONNA TEAM UP WITH ME? OR DO YOU WANT TROUBLE?” asks the voice.


“Yes, I’ll team with you until you don’t want to anymore, but on one condition, you must tell me your name!” demands Master Satriani.


“Well, yeah, I was going to tell you who I was anyway, it would far too difficult to team with someone who isn’t your best friend. My name is Cactus Flanders. I’m a former SSAW Global Warrior Champion and my signature weapon is a steel chair with a nail on it. Since we’re best friends now I’ll have to come clean about something. Remember when you shipped blood like a month and a half ago? I used it to write a threatening message,” says Cactus Flanders as he turns on the lights to reveal himself.


Satriani looks around and realizes he is in a six dungeon. With whips and the like. Flanders unties him and leads him out of his basement.


“It’s totally okay, I’m just glad my ship wasn’t wasted,” says Satriani as we head back to the show.


Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), Tri Bute, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) are all hanging out backstage.


“Has Tri Bute told us who his best friend is yet? He better hurry up his tag title match is next, oh and thanks for standing up for me back there,” asks Gold.


“No he hasn’t I think that will be established in this segment of the program, oh and don’t mention it, or the rest of that conversation to my wife, she’s the only one that can give me a hamjog,” says Buackson, informational-like.


“So, let’s get the elephant out of the room, Tri Bute, who is your best friend?” asks Exe Cution, “Please say me I really hope it’s me!”


“No it’s Vio Lent, I like him more, so he’ll team with me next and we’ll TAKE THE PAST!” announces Tri Bute! Butey and Lent walk out towards the stage, but Vio looks back and sees that Exe Cution is distraught. Vio Lent turns around and consoles him.


“Hey, buddy, don’t cry!”


“Too late!” Exe Cution starts bawling his eyes out.


“Exe! Don’t do this! Don’t cry, you can be my best friend. I like you more than Tri Bute,” says Vio Lent.


“It’s not that, but thanks, it’s that vision I had last month at Eternal Suffering 2,”


“Oh right, WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HELPING ME WIN! I forgot all about that, NO, you aren’t my best friend, you made me lose. Come get me when you’re ready to apologize. Flip you dude,” says Lent as he leaves his friend crying backstage.

[ndqw]

IT’S A HUMAN SIGN


WHEN THINGS GO WRONG


WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS


AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG


WERP


LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE


LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR


AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL


LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR


SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER


NO ONE CONDEMING YOU


LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU


LED TO THE WATER


WERP


THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA


CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE


THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY


IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT


YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES


AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME


JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST


Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!


“Hey guys, my best friend and I are here to kick some aces, and we’ll do it hardcore, isn’t that right Butey?”


“You betcha, STEP ONE to TAKING THE PAST is TAKING THE GOLD, Vio may have dropped the featherweight belt last month, but that belt is stupid anyway, you held it for like 400 days, tell them how stupid it was Vio!” commands Tri Bute.


“It’s very stupid!”


“Good boy! ANYWAY GRILLERS? YOU SUCK. Prepare your buns fo-,”


“Something stiff and something hard!” finishes Vio Lent.


“No, for a good ax kickin’,” corrects Tri Bute. “We’re trying to look tough not gee,”


“You think your tough, right Ginny? Let me tell you something about barbecuing, it’s déclassé it’s out, far-out. Only lame duck people barbecue nowadays. They have nothing better to do, they live in lakes. DO THE GRILLERS LIVE IN LAKES? Get with the times guys,” rants Vio Lent.


“Even I’m with the times and I’m from THE FUTURE!”


“Okay, time to talk ship about their favorite musical acts, do your thing Butey,” says Vio Lent.


“LIVEN IN MY OWN WORLD


DIDN’T UNDERSTAND


THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN


WHEN YOU TAKE A CHANCE,” sings Tri Bute.


“I NEVER BELIEVED IN


WHAT I COULDN’T SEE


I NEVER OPENED MY EYES


TO ALL THE POSSIBILITIES” sings Vio Lent.


“How’d you like that one? I used knowledge that I gathered from the future to learn that earlier today The Natural Born Grillers re-watched High School Musical. Gross. Did you know Glee was based on that garbage?” asks Tri Bute.


“I abhor that garbage. Quirky shows just tend to pee me off, I’ll watch the ship out of a Disney episode though; do they ever do that Tri Bute?”


Tri Bute presses a finger to his head.


“Using my expansive knowledge of the future, hold on, it could take a moment, NOPE THEY WON’T MAKE A DISNEY EPISODE, trash!” spoils Tri Bute.


“Anyway back to High School Musical, it sucks bu-,”


WE LIKE STEAK


WE LIKE SAUCE


GOOD GOSH THIS BAR-BE-QUE IS HASS


BEER IS GOOD


STEAK IS GOOD


OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD


T-SWIZZ IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT


D-PART IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT


ZEFRON IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT


V-HUDGE IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT


“Flippin’ finally, I was getting bored of them berating my favorite artists and musicals,” says Gold.


“I hope they don’t throw up!”


The Natural Born Grillers run down to the ring, and the hard-hitting match begins. All the wrestlers hit each with wrestling moves, but then Tri Bute and Vio Lent start using their future techniques to control the match and isolate Ginny, Vio Lent hits Gene with a ROLLING CLOSELINE FROM HECK!


ONE!


HE KICKED OUT AT ONE!


“Grievous Crisp! How in Sam Heck did he kick out of that ROLLING CLOSELINE?” asks Buackson.


“Do you think they will ever let Franny into the match? It isn’t fair to keep not letting him tag in! I hate when the bad guys use strategy and focus on one guy!” rants Gold.


“That’s cute,”


Vio gets really mad so he punches Ginny in the face, it hits hard! THEN TRI BUTE TAGS IN! Tri Bute hits Gene Barbecue with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope) sending hit out of the ring! I don’t remember if it’s a 10 or 20 count but that goes down! Gene gets in at either 9 or 19! It’s intense! If it had been a 10 or 20 count the Natural Born Grillers would have retained the belts! Would have been so bad for them! Tri Bute immediately pins Gene but he kicks out at one and hops to his feet! Gene hits Tri Bute with a Bodyslam and hot tags out to Franny!


“Franny is in! Ship is about to get real!”


“Mother flipping business is about to mother flipping pick the flip up, gosh darn!”


“Is that really necessary?”


“I had to make it more EDGY somehow!” shouts Buackson!


Franny hits Vio Lent and Tri Bute with a ton of bodyslams and crossbodies, at one point he even hits a really hard kick to one and a big boot to the other. Franny pulls Tri Bute onto his shoulders, and runs towards Gene who has his knees up, but before he can hit the steamroller Tri Bute slips out the back and rolls Franny up while tugging the tights, but the referee catches him in the act. Butey is so mad! Gene runs at him and hits him with the Steakbreaker (Codebreaker (Jumping Double Knee Facebuster)), it doesn’t take Tri Bute all the way down though so Franny hits him with a Saucebreaker (Backstabber (Jumping Double Knee Backbreaker), they both climb up on Tri Bute to pin him but Lent breaks it at 2.


“Our SSAW Megastars are always so impressive,”


“They are better than Superstars because they are edgier!”


Vio Lent elbows both Grillers in the stomach and hit a Double Spear to both of them. Then Lent pulls out the feather and hits Gene with Tickle Torture! The referee asks Gene if he wants to tap out! The crowd is chanting no! They don’t want the bad guys to take the past! Franny Barbecue comes out of nowhere and hits him with a ROARING DDT! Franny puts Lent onto his shoulders while Gene puts his knees up! Franny hits a steamroller onto Gene’s knees!


“MORE SAUCE FOR YOUR STEAK! THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS ARE PAR-,”


“PARTYING TONIGHT!”, finishes Gold, “Man, finishing each other’s sentences it’s like we were meant to commentate together, Buack!”


Franny pins Vio Lent to get the win! More Sauce For Your Steak has never been kicked out of! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and tries to put masking tape on one of the Grillers. But he is distracted when someone’s theme music starts playing.


I’M DAVID HART SMITH


I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW


I’M DAVID HART SMITH


I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW


CANADA


YEAH


CANADA


YEAH


I’M FROM CANADA


YEAH


“NO!” shouts Exe Cution from the ramp! Tri Bute flinches and drops his tape allowing the Grillers to go off with the titles they retained. Tri Bute grabs a microphone.


“What the flip dude? Did I tell you to interrupt me?” asks Tri Bute as he brings his fingers to his temple and starts squeezing his head. Cution cries out in pain as he clutches the tape on his head. “Interrupting the recruitment process is counter productive Exe, will I have to ground you?” asks Tri Bute.


“No,” breathes Cution as he pants on all fours from the ramp.


“Looks like your in the perfect position for your punishment,” says Butey as he rolls out of the ring and pulls out a sledgehammer. “Lenty, shove the back end of this through his ace,” commands Butey. Without a second thought Vio Lent takes the hammer and walks up the ramp and gets behind him. Lent takes the hammer’s back end and shoves it right into Cution’s ace, Exe moans out in pain and pleasure, after a half-minute Lent withdraws the back end of the hammer. Exe Cution reaches down and finds his favorite playing card with a whole in the center. It is completely unusable now.


“My Darren Criss Ace of Hearts!” shouts Cution.


“If even you think of getting in the way like that again I’ll take a lot more than just a playing card away from you,” threatens Butey, “Am I understood? DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS I SAY EXE?”


“Yes, I can hear your words, master,”


“Flip ups like this are exactly why Vio Lent is my best friend and you aren’t!” shouts Butey.


“Geez. Tri Bute is pretty mad,”


“Do you know how rare those Glee playing cards are?” asks Gold.


“If only it was a Lea Michelle one, then it’d bounce off her nose, laugh out loud,” says Buackson.


Tri Bute and Vio Lent leave Exe on the stage and head to the back.

[ndqw]

MURDER


KILL


DEATH


TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN


THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS


SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH


CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD


AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD


BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST


IN THE COLD OF LIFE


YEAH


MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD


Cactus Flanders steps out of the back with a nail chair in hand. Exe Cution is still wallowing on the ramp, so Cactus Flanders is overcome with rage and hits him with the nail chair. Then Cactus picks him up and hits a Powerbomb onto the nail chair.


“OMGosh! Flanders just hit tossed him, I think he actually hit the nail part when he landed!” says Gold.


Cactus Flanders picks up Exe Cution and hits him with a Tombstone Piledriver onto the nail chair.


“That Nail Chair Mo’suckra channeling the Takerunder there! He’s a wrestling legend!”


“I thought his name was Belowselfish or like Gravedigger?” asks Gold.


“I misspoke it was the Overtaker!”


“No, no it’s the Overgiver, I looked it up!”


“Stupid name for a stupid wrestler, the Attitude Era wasn’t even cool, I’m so glad we live in the EDGY ERA!” shouts Buackson.


Flanders stops the beatdown on Exe Cution and goes to the ring. Flanders gets really mad and starts hitting the turnbuckles with the nail chair, totally ruining them.


“It seems like Flanders is getting impatient, he must really want JBC to get his butt out here,”


“I don’t know about you Buack, but I want JBC to walk away from me,”


“Speaking of nice aces, my wife should be joining us shortly, she knows all about WCW, the Overgiver and his streak at WrestleClash, it is famous because he actually got his wiener out before the security got him,”


“Oh really? I got to see that one,” says Gold with a smile on his face.


I AM A COWBOY


I LOVE RODEOS


I AM A COWBOY


I MILK COWS


I AM A COWBOY


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW


I AM A COW


BOY


COW


BOY


John Boy Corbett enters and helps Exe Cution to his feet; he checks his pulse to make sure he is still alive. Exe Cution tries to grab JBC’s hand, presumably to kiss it again but JBC pulls it away. Rejected, Cution heads to the back. John Boy turns to look at the ring but once his eyes hover over the challenger all the emotions return to him and he immediately collapses on the ramp. Some champion. More like chumpion am I right? Get it?


“Why is he so afraid to face Cactus Flanders? Hasn’t he beaten him in the past?” asks Gold.


“Oh Gold, it’s not as simple as that. Flanders matches off with Corbett in every way. It is almost as if Flanders is actually Ditto who takes the form Corbett when he wrestles. Except then he turns into a more stygian, homicidal, deadly, scarier version that isn’t afraid to bend the rules. A guy who feels like if their opponent dies in the ring he was just doing his job,”


“Yeah, you didn’t really answer my question,”


“Shut up,”


JBC slowly returns to his feet after giving himself a pep talk and rolls into the ring. Flanders had grown extremely impatient during this time and he ripped off the top rope. Flanders starts slamming his nail chair on the mat repeatedly as the bell tolls. The referee tries to confiscate his chair since this is a normal match, but Flanders threatens to hit him with it so he backs off. Flanders tries to hit JBC, but he dodges it and Flanders floors the referee instead.


“Um, a minute in and we already got a ref bump?”


“Yeah, now the match can be more edgy without rules getting in the way!” says Buackson, “Oh look it’s my lady!”


“Howdy,” says a feminine voice as she sits at the table next to Johnny Buackson. “This table should be bigger, I want to sit here all the time,”


“Jonathon, this is my wife, um,” Buackson says to Gold, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”


“Champagne,”


“This is my wife, Champagne, ignore her stupid name,”


Gold and Champagne shake hands, “I’ve heard a lot about you, and don’t worry there are a lot of worse shippy hipster names out there,” says Gold.


Anyway since the referee is down Cactus Flanders starts beating on JBC with no remorse, he even press slams John Boy out of the ring onto the steel guardrail. Flanders starts laughing his ace off then he rolls out side and pulls a nail chair out from under the ring. He slams it hard on John Boy Corbett’s head over and over.


“Oh geez, this is violent,” says Champagne.


“No he wrestled earlier,” corrects Gold.


“He’s whaling on him with that chair, pretty hard, does that remind you of last night too Buack?” asks Champagne.


“I wasn’t just pretty hard,” says Buackson


“Yes, you guys have a very active six life we get it,” says Gold in a monotone.


“Is it the 18th again? Just put a tampoon in your Plessy it’ll stop the bleeding!” snaps back Buackson.


Flanders hoists JBC up and hits him with a piledriver on the outside. Then Cactus spits on him and hits him with another piledriver. Flanders picks up JBC and sets him on the announce table.


“No! Put him through the Spanish table!” shouts Buackson!


“Not on to John Boy Corbett! I find him attractive,” says Gold and Champagne at the same time as Flanders leaps off the top rope! SOMETHING ERUCTS THE SCENE FADES TO WHITE.


A picture of Frightmare and Jagged hugging appears on the screen with a message that says, “SSAW is experiencing technical difficulties, your SUPER SWAG AND EDGY PPV will return as soon as possible,” 43 seconds later the image disappears, however it is still dark.


“Am I on the air now? All right, okay, swag, cool, neat. I’m sorry about that Flanders hit John Boy Corbett with an Elbow Drop from the top rope on the announce table. IT WAS RIGGED WITH EXPLOSIVES! Everyone’s alright right as far as I can s-,”


“NO! WIZARD GOSH NO! CHAMPAGNE? CAN YOU HEAR ME CHAMPAGNE?”


The cameras start rolling again and we find Johnny Buackson huddled over his wife; she has blood all over her face.


“CAN YOU FLIPPING HEAR ME? GOLD CALL 911! DO SOMETHING YOU SACK OF SHIP!”


Buackson starts shaking her but there is no response or sign of life, The Healing Powers and other medics roll down the ramp with stretchers and they do their medical procedures! In all the commotion Cactus Flanders rolls John Boy Corbett into the ring, and grabs a referee that was tending to Champagne and tosses him in too. Flanders pins Corbett.


1!


2!


NO GOSH NO FLIPPING NO! JOHN BOY CORBETT KICKED OUT! Cactus Flanders, in a fit of rage grabs both the referee and JBC and hits them with a Double DDT! Johnny Buackson follows the doctors and paramedics up the ramp as they wheel his wife to the back. Jonathon Gold sets himself up at ringside.


“Well, um, explosives, an announcer’s wife being rushed away, this is edgy right?” asks Gold, however no on can really answer him. “Corbett found a way to kick out of that, right, that’s good,”


Flanders locks in the Cobra Clutch (Sleeper Hold), JBC starts to lose consciousness, and a third referee runs down to check the arm. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT STOPS IN MIDAIR.


“John Boy is still in this!”


Corbett elbows his way out of the hold then hits Cactus Flanders with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), he is about to pin Cactus…


I’M TURNING JAPANESE


I THINK I’M TURNING JAPANESE


I REALLY THINK SO


“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani steps out onto the ramp and points at JBC, JBC points back at Master Satriani.


“Satriani is alive? I thought he got captured by the Yakuza!” asks Gold.


Flanders hits a low blow and immediately rolls up John Boy Corbett.


1!


2!


CORBETT KICKS OUT! Corbett hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) and Flanders does a front flip and lands on his ace. JBC bounces off the ropes and hits a Rowdy Wizard (Shining Wizard) to get the three and the win to retain the championship.


“After being hit with every move in Cactus Flanders’ arsenal, including an elbow drop through an exploding table and interference from “The Master of Satriani”, Corbett proves that he is resilient, and able to do everything! Another great triumph for “Bear Skin”! Was that match 9/11? Because I’ll never forget it! That’s my EDGY new catchphrase!” says Gold, “Oh, this isn’t sportsmanlike,”


Master Satriani rolls into the ring and both Flanders and Satriani start beating the ship out of Corbett! Flanders picks up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and hits JBC in the face really hard IN THE FACE. Then Satriani hits John Boy with a PILEDRIVER! Flanders picks up his signature weapon, the NAIL CHAIR! He is about to hit “Bear Skin” with it!


I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!


I LIKE RODEOS


I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!


SHOOTING GUNS IS ALLS I NOSE


I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!


HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY


HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY


YEHAW!


A guy who sort of looks like JBC runs down the ramp and scares away Satriani and Flanders! He lets out a big heehaw and helps JBC to his feet and hands Corbett a microphone.


“What am I suppose to do with a small phone?” asks Corbett. Then this stranger hands Corbett a microphone that makes people’s voice louder.


“Hey guys! I won! This is my friend Lawrence Alamo, he’s going to help me out if I get attacked, he’s a lot like me so you should like him,” says John Boy Corbett.

[ndqw]

I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED


OF A FAR-OFF PLACE


WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME


WILL BE WAITING FOR ME


WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER


WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE


AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING


THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE


WERP


EXCEPT NOW


I’M A HEEL


AND I’M TAKE


ING OVER


I DON’T FEEL AT ALL


SO FEAR ME


BEACHES


“Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly walks onto the ramp and points at John Boy Corbett. Mild Walsh walks out from the back and points at Lawrence Alamo, Lawrence Alamo points at O’Reilly and JBC points at Walsh. The titantron lights up and Jagged appears on screen and points at Kyle O’Reilly, Jonathon Gold stands up and points at Jagged, then the titantron does a split screen and Cactus Flanders is shown, he points at JBC.


The scene fades to black.


LATER THAT NIGHT IN A HOSPITAL


Champagne lies in a hospital bed; you can hear her heartbeat on the machine thing. Johnny Buackson is kneeling at her bedside and holding her hand. “Champagne, we can do this Champagne, hang in there!” says Buackson. BEEP….BEEP….BEEP…….. BEEP………….. BEEP, the beeps start getting further and further apart, Johnny kisses Champagne one last time, before the beeps stop.




EVEN LATER THAT NIGHT


Gold awakes in his sleep, his heart is pounding extremely fast and he clutches his chest. “Is this what schadenfreude feels like? It’s been years since I’ve felt like this. Is this 9/11? Because I’ll never forget!” breathes Gold as he hurries back to sleep.




2/15/24


Last night’s SSAW PPV event, Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 was pretty cool, there was too much pointing.


The exploding table part was, um, kind of weird but whatever.


TJP is still out from being hit by a car.


Chris Sabin finished up with his mime work and saws he’ll be with an old friend at In Your Train Station next month.


Jonathon Gold has been sued for his comment on the SSAW PPV last night he asked, “Was that match 9/11” apparently that is really offensive even though it’s been 22 years.


The anonymous President, Sara Del Rey, (yes she is a girl), has said that she wants Jonathon Gold to fight her and that one of her kids died at the expense of his “joke”. This gave a hint at the anonymous president’s identity, but this may be a red herring.


2/31/24


In Your Train Station: ATOCHA MASSACRE is just eleven days away! Oh man, and the card, oh ship, it is so awesome swag, 666, yolo, you wouldn’t believe it!


SSAW Global Warrior Championship! – 2-Time Backyard Warrior Champion IS A HEEL NOW!
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett © vs. “Never Forget” “Loveless” “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly /w Mild Walsh


They are saying the show will be available in 574 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!