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“This match is really boring,”
“They should knock out the referee and start using weapons,”
“I thought this is suppose to be edgy,”
“This is gee,” says Jonathon Gold.
Jagged pulls Kyle to his feet again, but this time Kyle pushes him off and hits him with an uppercut. They start trading uppercuts.
Jonathon Gold yawns and leans back in his chair, while Johnny Buackson rolls up his pant-legs and starts playing with his leg hair.
“So, see any good movies lately?” asked Gold.
“Have you ever seen Iron Jawed Angels?”
“No,”
“Sucks dock, don’t, it’s just a bunch of bad acting, not in a funny way either,”
“Wait, isn’t Hillary Swank in that? And McDreamy?”
“Yeah, it’s the nadir of both their careers, by the end of the film I wanted to buy a gun and kill both of them. Probably off myself after that too,” elaborates Buackson.
“Well, any good movies like I flippin’ asked for? Grievous Crisp,”
“Tarzan,”
“I liked that one, Kerzan less than three,”
“I can’t believe you ship a man with a male monkey who is suppose to be his father,”
“I can’t believe you don’t, the pieces are all there, Kerzan will forever and always be my one true pairing. Not shipping Kerzan is like not shipping QuirrelMort, if you don’t you’re really missing the point of the whole movie,” rants Gold.
“Then I take it back, Tarzan is stupid.”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“They aren’t using weapons, doing flips, hitting piledrivers, or powerbombs at all, gosh dang this match is boring as flipping ship!”
“Why do you have to be a Negative Nancy all the time, Gold?”
“What do you mean, Alliterative Andrew?”
“I mean, our job is to sell the match, but we’re just taking a ship on it,”
“I’m not a Constipated Cody, if I have to take a ship, I’m going to take a ship,”
“Do you want me to use another analogy?” asks Buackson sarcastically.
“How about one I can’t pick apart as easily, Sarcastic Sandra,”
“Actually what I said before wasn’t an analogy, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead, something semi-exciting is happening anyway,”
Kyle O’Reilly pulls a Powerful Pierre and hits Jagged with a Powerbomb into a pin for another near-fall.
“Resilient Randy! I thought Jagged was done for!”
Kyle starts stomping on Jagged hitting literally every inch of his body before hitting him with a Standing Front-Flip Legdrop for a 1!
“Oh gosh, this match is never going to flipping end,” remarks Buackson.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asks Gold.
“No, well, it depends on your definition of kissing, my lips usually never touch my partner’s, and I mostly use my tongue,”
“You make-out with your mom? Although I’m having quite the time imagining it; I can’t help but think of you as an Incestuous Ian,” comments Gold.
“I’d refute that but my sister gave me a ton of bluejogs, so I won’t,”
“I remember your sister, she was quite the Floozy Francesca, eh Buack?”
“Floozy is a noun, way to ruin a good thing Gold! There goes the only fun part of this match,”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
Kyle and Jagged start hitting each other with moves. Jonathon Gold starts looking up cat pictures on his SUPER CELL PHONE! Johnny Buackson spins in his swivel chair for a bit until he gets too dizzy. He then begins to lick his hands to make sure they still taste the same as the last time he licked his hands.
“I was hoping they’d taste different.”
“Look! This cat wants a cheeseburger, silly cat!” shouts Gold as he shows Buackson his SUPER CELL PHONE!
“I’m more interested in that other page you have open, ‘How To Kill Famil-,”
“Oh that’s nothing,” says Gold as he pulls the SUPER CELL PHONE away.
Kyle O’Reilly hits Jagged with one of his good moves but Jagged kicks out at two.
“I can’t believe this match has been going 30 minutes. I don’t like it!”
“Want to play Russian Roulette?”
“It’s not the same without a gun,” says Gold as he pouts.
“I am the best wrestler EVER!” shouts Kyle O’Reilly as he hits Jagged with a vicious German Suplex, then he proceeds to roll through and hit another into a pin for a 2.4. Kyle sends Jagged into the turnbuckle then charges at him, but Jagged moves away at the last second sending Kyle shoulder first into the steel-post. Jagged hits him with a German Suplex of his own then precedes to hits Kyle with 5 Leg Drops.
“If he gets the win here ‘Super Wrestling Columnist’ Katthew Meck will have no choice but to give this five stars!”
“That would be horrible, this is ship!”
“Wrestling would never be the same again!”
“If this match is five stars, what does five stars even mean?”
“The entire world would implode!”
“People would stop having children altogether TO STOP FUTURE GENERATIONS FROM THIS HECK!”
“He kicked out!”
“Thank gosh!”
Kyle and Jagged trade shin kicks, then Kyle gets Jagged with a Small Package.
“At this point I wouldn’t mind giving Kyle his hamjog! If it means this match is over, flip yeah!” notes Gold.
“And he kicks out, can this just be over? Please?” says Buackson as he slams his head on the desk.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Buack!”
“This is worse than Iron Jawed Angels,”
“Don’t hurt anyone else, Buack!”
“I’m going to beat my wife SO HARD, do you have any blunt weapons just laying around?” asks Buackson.
“No, ask Tri Bute after the show, didn’t he say something about clubbing a seal or something earlier?”
“I’m just kidding Jonathon, I’d never hit Seraphina, I love her remember?”
“Seraphina? Who?”
Kyle locks in a submission move, but Jagged escapes it and hits him with a Shoulder Dive Move (ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE)! It knocks O’Reilly out of the ring and to the floor. Jagged rolls out of the ring and starts exchanging gardening tips with Kyle while punching him.
“I hope they get counted out! 39 minutes of this is just too much for me!”
“The audience is starting to leave, soon these guys will be in front of an empty arena,”
“It kind of feels like these guys just came in the ring tonight and starting masticating all over each other,”
“Go on! That sounds like a fantasy of mine!” says Gold.
When the referee reaches the count of 7, O’Reilly rolls in and rolls out breaking the count, then starts exchanging gardening tips again with Jagged while punching him. Kyle soon maneuvers Jagged so he is hanging off his back then climbs onto the apron, he teases hitting the Alabama Slam into the ring, but Jagged kicks his arms away and hits a Sunset Flip onto the floor.
“That would have been cool a half hour ago when I still gave a flip about this match,”
“Now you’re the one being a Negative Nancy, eh Buack?”
“Flip you,”
“Cranky Carl?”
“Shut up, Gold,”
“What to practice making out?”
“Quit being an Annoying Alexis, it’s really ann-,”
“Annoying? Grievous, I just finished you sentence, we’re like soul mates!”
“THIS MATCH NEEDS TO END!”
Kyle and Jagged both roll into the ring when the count reaches 9, then they start brawling again! Kyle pushes Jagged into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him, then he hits Jagged with a hard kick to the chest! Jagged and Kyle trade kicks to the shoulder for seven minutes before Kyle catches off guard with a slap.
“Buack wake up!”
“It’s over!”
“No, but if I have to watch it so do you, aceface!”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“I seriously need a nap,”
“We all do!”
“It’s been like 55 minutes, are they going to do anything cool or not?”
Then the cool part of the match starts up. Jagged and Kyle trade ROLLING POWERBOMBS and ROLLING PILEDRIVERS, then Kyle pins Jagged!
1…
2…
NO! Jagged kicks out and kips up, but Kyle slaps him taking him back down, then he points at the top rope as the 20 remaining audience members boo him since he is a bad guy! Kyle leaps to the top rope and hits Jagged with a Shooting Star Press!
“He beat JBC with this to win the belt last month!”
“Okay, just three second, I hamjog him, and we can finally go home!”
1…
2…
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK
“FINALLY, THE ROCK, has come out to tell you THAT your 60 minutes are up!” shouts The Rock!
“THANK FLIPPING GOSH!” shouts Buackson as he takes off his headset and swiftly exits the arena.
The referee hands The Rock the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, while Kyle slaps the mat with frustration. “So yeah, I guess this is the end for you Kyle, BECAUSE THE ROCK SAYS YOU’RE FIRED!”
“Kyle O’Reilly the biggest legend in SSAW ever, just got fired, cool. That was the stipulation of this match after all,”
“THE ROCK, has no choice but to vacate the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and announce that #1 contender tournament is now for the vacant title!” shouts THE ROCK as Kyle wipes a tear from his eye and grabs a microphone.
“You can’t do this to me, Rock, SSAW is my life! How will I feed my kids? ROCK, tell me that!”
The crowd of 20 starts singing that goodbye song.
“How will I be able to afford to pay all my maids that I cheat on my wife with? ROCK, tell me that!”
“THE ROCK, doesn’t care about your FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! NOW TRENDINNG ON MYSPACE!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Woah, The Rock is so cool, he just made a new hashtag, JUST NOW!” says Gold.
Kyle O’Reilly falls to his knees, the tears fall out of his eyes all over the ring. Jagged points and laughs then heads to the back, while Kyle droops over and starts sucking his thumb.
“Wow! I can’t believe this is my doing!” says Gold, “I’m getting schadenfreude all over, I love this!”
The Rock, Jonathon Gold, and the rest of the audience all go home, leaving Kyle alone in the ring with a microphone. He is able to hold back the tears and pick up the microphone.
“They should knock out the referee and start using weapons,”
“I thought this is suppose to be edgy,”
“This is gee,” says Jonathon Gold.
Jagged pulls Kyle to his feet again, but this time Kyle pushes him off and hits him with an uppercut. They start trading uppercuts.
Jonathon Gold yawns and leans back in his chair, while Johnny Buackson rolls up his pant-legs and starts playing with his leg hair.
“So, see any good movies lately?” asked Gold.
“Have you ever seen Iron Jawed Angels?”
“No,”
“Sucks dock, don’t, it’s just a bunch of bad acting, not in a funny way either,”
“Wait, isn’t Hillary Swank in that? And McDreamy?”
“Yeah, it’s the nadir of both their careers, by the end of the film I wanted to buy a gun and kill both of them. Probably off myself after that too,” elaborates Buackson.
“Well, any good movies like I flippin’ asked for? Grievous Crisp,”
“Tarzan,”
“I liked that one, Kerzan less than three,”
“I can’t believe you ship a man with a male monkey who is suppose to be his father,”
“I can’t believe you don’t, the pieces are all there, Kerzan will forever and always be my one true pairing. Not shipping Kerzan is like not shipping QuirrelMort, if you don’t you’re really missing the point of the whole movie,” rants Gold.
“Then I take it back, Tarzan is stupid.”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“They aren’t using weapons, doing flips, hitting piledrivers, or powerbombs at all, gosh dang this match is boring as flipping ship!”
“Why do you have to be a Negative Nancy all the time, Gold?”
“What do you mean, Alliterative Andrew?”
“I mean, our job is to sell the match, but we’re just taking a ship on it,”
“I’m not a Constipated Cody, if I have to take a ship, I’m going to take a ship,”
“Do you want me to use another analogy?” asks Buackson sarcastically.
“How about one I can’t pick apart as easily, Sarcastic Sandra,”
“Actually what I said before wasn’t an analogy, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead, something semi-exciting is happening anyway,”
Kyle O’Reilly pulls a Powerful Pierre and hits Jagged with a Powerbomb into a pin for another near-fall.
“Resilient Randy! I thought Jagged was done for!”
Kyle starts stomping on Jagged hitting literally every inch of his body before hitting him with a Standing Front-Flip Legdrop for a 1!
“Oh gosh, this match is never going to flipping end,” remarks Buackson.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asks Gold.
“No, well, it depends on your definition of kissing, my lips usually never touch my partner’s, and I mostly use my tongue,”
“You make-out with your mom? Although I’m having quite the time imagining it; I can’t help but think of you as an Incestuous Ian,” comments Gold.
“I’d refute that but my sister gave me a ton of bluejogs, so I won’t,”
“I remember your sister, she was quite the Floozy Francesca, eh Buack?”
“Floozy is a noun, way to ruin a good thing Gold! There goes the only fun part of this match,”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
Kyle and Jagged start hitting each other with moves. Jonathon Gold starts looking up cat pictures on his SUPER CELL PHONE! Johnny Buackson spins in his swivel chair for a bit until he gets too dizzy. He then begins to lick his hands to make sure they still taste the same as the last time he licked his hands.
“I was hoping they’d taste different.”
“Look! This cat wants a cheeseburger, silly cat!” shouts Gold as he shows Buackson his SUPER CELL PHONE!
“I’m more interested in that other page you have open, ‘How To Kill Famil-,”
“Oh that’s nothing,” says Gold as he pulls the SUPER CELL PHONE away.
Kyle O’Reilly hits Jagged with one of his good moves but Jagged kicks out at two.
“I can’t believe this match has been going 30 minutes. I don’t like it!”
“Want to play Russian Roulette?”
“It’s not the same without a gun,” says Gold as he pouts.
“I am the best wrestler EVER!” shouts Kyle O’Reilly as he hits Jagged with a vicious German Suplex, then he proceeds to roll through and hit another into a pin for a 2.4. Kyle sends Jagged into the turnbuckle then charges at him, but Jagged moves away at the last second sending Kyle shoulder first into the steel-post. Jagged hits him with a German Suplex of his own then precedes to hits Kyle with 5 Leg Drops.
“If he gets the win here ‘Super Wrestling Columnist’ Katthew Meck will have no choice but to give this five stars!”
“That would be horrible, this is ship!”
“Wrestling would never be the same again!”
“If this match is five stars, what does five stars even mean?”
“The entire world would implode!”
“People would stop having children altogether TO STOP FUTURE GENERATIONS FROM THIS HECK!”
“He kicked out!”
“Thank gosh!”
Kyle and Jagged trade shin kicks, then Kyle gets Jagged with a Small Package.
“At this point I wouldn’t mind giving Kyle his hamjog! If it means this match is over, flip yeah!” notes Gold.
“And he kicks out, can this just be over? Please?” says Buackson as he slams his head on the desk.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Buack!”
“This is worse than Iron Jawed Angels,”
“Don’t hurt anyone else, Buack!”
“I’m going to beat my wife SO HARD, do you have any blunt weapons just laying around?” asks Buackson.
“No, ask Tri Bute after the show, didn’t he say something about clubbing a seal or something earlier?”
“I’m just kidding Jonathon, I’d never hit Seraphina, I love her remember?”
“Seraphina? Who?”
Kyle locks in a submission move, but Jagged escapes it and hits him with a Shoulder Dive Move (ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE)! It knocks O’Reilly out of the ring and to the floor. Jagged rolls out of the ring and starts exchanging gardening tips with Kyle while punching him.
“I hope they get counted out! 39 minutes of this is just too much for me!”
“The audience is starting to leave, soon these guys will be in front of an empty arena,”
“It kind of feels like these guys just came in the ring tonight and starting masticating all over each other,”
“Go on! That sounds like a fantasy of mine!” says Gold.
When the referee reaches the count of 7, O’Reilly rolls in and rolls out breaking the count, then starts exchanging gardening tips again with Jagged while punching him. Kyle soon maneuvers Jagged so he is hanging off his back then climbs onto the apron, he teases hitting the Alabama Slam into the ring, but Jagged kicks his arms away and hits a Sunset Flip onto the floor.
“That would have been cool a half hour ago when I still gave a flip about this match,”
“Now you’re the one being a Negative Nancy, eh Buack?”
“Flip you,”
“Cranky Carl?”
“Shut up, Gold,”
“What to practice making out?”
“Quit being an Annoying Alexis, it’s really ann-,”
“Annoying? Grievous, I just finished you sentence, we’re like soul mates!”
“THIS MATCH NEEDS TO END!”
Kyle and Jagged both roll into the ring when the count reaches 9, then they start brawling again! Kyle pushes Jagged into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him, then he hits Jagged with a hard kick to the chest! Jagged and Kyle trade kicks to the shoulder for seven minutes before Kyle catches off guard with a slap.
“Buack wake up!”
“It’s over!”
“No, but if I have to watch it so do you, aceface!”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“I seriously need a nap,”
“We all do!”
“It’s been like 55 minutes, are they going to do anything cool or not?”
Then the cool part of the match starts up. Jagged and Kyle trade ROLLING POWERBOMBS and ROLLING PILEDRIVERS, then Kyle pins Jagged!
1…
2…
NO! Jagged kicks out and kips up, but Kyle slaps him taking him back down, then he points at the top rope as the 20 remaining audience members boo him since he is a bad guy! Kyle leaps to the top rope and hits Jagged with a Shooting Star Press!
“He beat JBC with this to win the belt last month!”
“Okay, just three second, I hamjog him, and we can finally go home!”
1…
2…
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK
“FINALLY, THE ROCK, has come out to tell you THAT your 60 minutes are up!” shouts The Rock!
“THANK FLIPPING GOSH!” shouts Buackson as he takes off his headset and swiftly exits the arena.
The referee hands The Rock the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, while Kyle slaps the mat with frustration. “So yeah, I guess this is the end for you Kyle, BECAUSE THE ROCK SAYS YOU’RE FIRED!”
“Kyle O’Reilly the biggest legend in SSAW ever, just got fired, cool. That was the stipulation of this match after all,”
“THE ROCK, has no choice but to vacate the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and announce that #1 contender tournament is now for the vacant title!” shouts THE ROCK as Kyle wipes a tear from his eye and grabs a microphone.
“You can’t do this to me, Rock, SSAW is my life! How will I feed my kids? ROCK, tell me that!”
The crowd of 20 starts singing that goodbye song.
“How will I be able to afford to pay all my maids that I cheat on my wife with? ROCK, tell me that!”
“THE ROCK, doesn’t care about your FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! NOW TRENDINNG ON MYSPACE!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Woah, The Rock is so cool, he just made a new hashtag, JUST NOW!” says Gold.
Kyle O’Reilly falls to his knees, the tears fall out of his eyes all over the ring. Jagged points and laughs then heads to the back, while Kyle droops over and starts sucking his thumb.
“Wow! I can’t believe this is my doing!” says Gold, “I’m getting schadenfreude all over, I love this!”
The Rock, Jonathon Gold, and the rest of the audience all go home, leaving Kyle alone in the ring with a microphone. He is able to hold back the tears and pick up the microphone.
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