Chocolate Blades of Thunder

[Automatic]

Here's the opener:

The premise of the movie seems to be that Chyna's biggest fantasy has come true: Vince brought her back. Except she still hates him. She still hates Stephanie. And instead of wrestling, she has to have sex with the wrestlers.

Still, she's returned. And despite giving in on what would seem like key issues, working for people she hates and having to have sex, somehow Chyna is the one with all the power and control. Exactly the sort of mish-moshed insanity you would expect from Chyna trying to book her own perfect world.

Chyna, by the way, has tattoos on her arm and back now. Not sure if that's new. She was painted green in her last movie.

The fun begins as Vince (the roided up Lee Stone with his hair greyed) and Stephanie (Lisa Ann) approach Chyna in the locker room. Chyna, who has had 10+ years to come up with something to say if she ever saw either of them again, and who surely had some sort of porn scriptwriter helping with this, rambles about how Stephanie ruined her career, how she could beat both Vince and Stephanie up, and other various insults she seems to think are scorchers that fall completely flat. She seems to be ad-libbing while trying to follow a general narrative and the result creates much sadness and fail.

Just to give an example of the amazing dialogue, Vince says he knows Chyna is still peeved, and Chyna says peeved isn't how she would put it. So what word would she use, Stephanie inquires. "I would use... pissed!"

Incidentally, are Vince and Stephanie supposed to be offended by this? Chyna clearly hates Stephanie, yet while the wrestlers in the movie are portrayed as ridiculous caricatures, Stephanie is played by one of the hottest and most popular pornstars going. Boom, roasted? And forget the porn, Vince would probably masturbate just to the knowledge that a jacked up freak like Lee Stone is playing him.

Anyway. They set up the premise of Chyna having to fuck guys and how Vince is booking her to "win". A victory apparently happens when Chyna gets a guy off. There's a line somewhere in here about Steve Austin and The Rock wanting to fuck each other, so it seems they're still on Chyna's shitlist for having the nerve to make more money than her.

Then Vince talks about a match with two mystery opponents. Whoever they are, Chyna isn't allowed to beat one of them. The guy Vince won't let her beat doesn't wrestle a lot anymore and has to be allowed to look good. I assumed it was a shot at Triple H, who has surprisingly gone unmentioned so far, but the preview showed a scene with Hogan and Flair. Oookay.

But Chyna objects to this, saying that if she can't "beat" the mystery guy, it denies her of an orgasm of her own. So what to do? Well, for Chyna, it obviously means having sex with Vince and Stephanie. She demands this and, powerless against her demands, Vince and Stephanie meekly accept.

Chyna caps off her demand in the saddest way possible: "I've got two words for you... GET ON YOUR KNEES AND SUCK IT!" Oh, dear god. How do you screw that one up?

So Chyna stands there while Vince goes down on her and Stephanie plays with her boobs. After a few minutes of oral, Vince gets up, opens his pants, and Chyna doesn't hesitate to start blowing him. This is more than a little strange. Chyna clearly made the point of establishing that she doesn't like them and that she's in control. There are also several "in-character" remarks during the scene, so they didn't drop the narrative*. But she doesn't "demand" to blow Vince or to have him fuck her. It's like she just gives in.

(My favorite bit of dialogue is Stephanie asking Chyna if it feels good to fuck Vince after all the times Vince fucked her. The latter "fucked" meaning "screwed over", of course. Chyna responds by... saying the exact same thing as if she just thought of it.)

Basically, the whole thing comes off like Chyna finally submitting to her long-held desire to fuck Vince and Stephanie. This seems especially true as Vince bends her over and starts doing her doggie style as Chyna alternates between kissing Stephanie and eating her out. Why is she doing this? She hates Stephanie. Why is she going down on her? At one point, Lisa Ann, who probably couldn't care less about the whole control/revenge narrative Chyna tried to create, starts ordering Chyna to lick her pussy and get her off.

By the way, it probably goes without saying, but there is no interaction between Vince and Stephanie, thus preventing the somewhat fun possibility that Vince McMahon could own Vivid by tomorrow morning. Or whenever he stopped jacking off to the incest portion.

They repeat the same theme -- Vince fucking Chyna while she and Stephanie exchange oral favors -- in multiple positions. A threesome where two of the participants don't touch tends to get old pretty fast, and this one is no exception. After 20 minutes of a scene that should have been half that long, it mercifully concludes with a pop on Chyna's tits.

[Automatic]

It'll be funny just to see the parodies, especially looking forward to the parody of HHH.

Surprisingly, according to the reviewer, HHH is booked pretty good.

[Automatic]

Midcard filler:

Time for the gangbang. First, we meet Gene Oakerfunk (Tommy Pistol), a parody of Mean Gene Okerlund, who promotes the lineup for tonight's big "FuckleMania" show. After openly referring to Vince and Stephanie McMahon by name, it escapes me why they had to use a goofy parody name for Mean Gene.

We meet the ring announcer, Valerie Kay, who is playing herself. She announces Bret "the Hitman" Hart, hesitating as she says his name as she's clearly never heard of him or anyone else involved. Out comes... I think Justin Magnum, but looking nothing like Bret Hart. If anything, he looks more like John Morrison, a wrestler of today's generation.

Mean Gene does commentary. He shits on Bret by saying it took him seven years to write an autobiography, which was a four page pop-up book. "Once he wrestled, then he didn't, then he did. The end".

Out next is the Iron Sheik (Marco Banderas), who poses and flexes. Gene calls him loud, obnoxious, and stupid.

Valerie announces "the man in the shorts, John Cena" (TJ Cummings). He wears camo and does the "U Can't See Me" hand wave, making this easily the most realistic portrayal so far.

The Rock (Sledge Hammer) is out next, raising an eyebrow but doing little else that resembles The Rock. He's followed by Steve Austin (Cyrus King), who Gene notes is skinnier than the last time he wrestled.

Out with no introduction is a clown (Ralph Long) who is supposed to be Doink according to Vivid's press release. But they never call him that. Gene even says he doesn't know who the clown is.

The last entrant is Triple H (Anthony Hardwood), with Gene reacting like he's a surprise entry. Gene mentions that he's Chyna's ex, but nothing negative is said about him. After Bret and the Sheik, Gene's insults pretty much disappeared.

Finally, Chyna appears while Gene raves about how hot she is. She gets in the ring, grinds on each guy in the most unappealing manner possible, then vamps for the camera. Gene is calling the clown Homie.

The guys all surround Chyna -- actually, no, Triple H isn't there. He wasn't part of the grinding either. The guys start pulling Chyna's clothes off and push her to her knees.

It starts off with a blowbang of sorts. If you like watching one blowjob while five guys stand around desperately trying to stay hard, this is the scene for you. Unfortunately, there's no longer any commentary. Triple H finally reappears while Chyna is blowing the clown.

There's several minutes of throat-fucking and tit-squeezing. Triple H grabs her head and fucks her face. So does the Sheik. The commentary is sorely missed. As it is, there's nothing to hear but gagging, the sound of guys walking around the ring in a big empty room, and Chyna occasionally mumbling something while she has a dick in her mouth.

They pull her up to her feet. The Sheik fucks her from behind while she leans forward and blows Austin. She seems unsteady and the guys have to keep her from falling over. They abandon the standing experiment and she gets back on her knees to blow Cena. To keep from falling asleep, the rest of the crew eventually surrounds her and she quickly goes from dick to dick.

The clown lays flat on the mat and Chyna blows him while Bret fucks her. The clown swaps out with Cena, who swaps out with the Shiek. Chyna mumbles about being nasty like Janet Jackson. The guy fucking her, still Bret I think, has enough and pops on her face. Yes, it's Bret, as the other wrestlers mock him for being the first to go. A cutaway to Gene at ringside confirms Bret has been "eliminated".

If Chyna "defeats" a guy by getting him to cum, shouldn't the guys try not to? Shouldn't they fight it, like when a guy tries to reach the bottom ring rope to escape the figure four leglock? Then they could act like no matter how hard the guys fought not to cum, Chyna was just too good and made them shoot their loads. Hence, she wins. Right? This apparently escaped everyone on set.

After an edit, there's a chair in the ring for Chyna to kneel on. Much as the first scene followed the same pattern over and over, it seems all we're getting here is Chyna blowing someone while getting fucked from behind. At the moment we have Austin up front and Triple H behind. Just as I type that, they swap out for the clown and Cena.

After several minutes, they finally mix it up. Chyna rides reverse cowgirl on whoever is sitting in the chair, and she leans to the side to keep blowing guys. In some weird editing, it looks as though Cena stood her up and tried getting her leg over his shoulder, but she's just not capable of standing. So she sits back down and rides reverse cowgirl some more, this time with Rock sitting on the chair underneath her. But after another quick edit, the chair vanishes.

Rock's still on the bottom and most of the guys stand around slapping their dicks on her. "Now that's a gangbang!" Gene declares in another cutaway. Chyna rides regular cowgirl for a while, then back to reverse. Suddenly, Mean Gene enters the ring and shoves his dick in her mouth. A run-in!

After about a minute of Gene fucking her face, they cut to Chyna lying on her side as the Sheik fucks her. Gene is nowhere to be seen. They briefly cut back to him at ringside as he gives a line about the Sheik drilling for oil. Then the Sheik gets up and Gene runs back in and starts fucking her. Chyna eventually slaps him and he disappears again.

Chyna lays flat on her back and the guys take turns fucking her while she mumbles incoherently. They cut back to Gene, who says Rock is more interested in Austin's ass than he is in Chyna. So that's two forced-in shots at The Rock and Steve Austin.

Meanwhile, not a single bad thing has been said about Triple H. And Lisa Ann is playing his wife. This movie just surpassed The Chaperone on his favorites list.

There's also a Gene cutaway where he jokes that Rock can't keep his dick hard, which he clearly can't. What a weird thing to put in the movie. It's like a wrestler performing his signature move and the announcer saying "Ah, that doesn't really hurt". They're actually calling attention to how uninterested the guys are in Chyna.

In the middle of Rock and Triple H working on Chyna, a Gene cutaway tells us that Austin is just about done. Which is odd since he wasn't anywhere near her. But sure enough they cut back to a shot of Austin popping on Chyna's tits. The editing is just terrible.

Now it's back to Rock fucking her, and the Sheik walks over and cums on her face. Three men down. Rock pulls out and does likewise. "The cooking is done," Gene declares. With Rock still standing there, the clown runs in from off-screen and pops on her face.

We're down to Cena and Triple H! You can cut the excitement with a knife! I've never understood that saying.

They immediately cut to Cena's cumshot. Gene salutes him. Triple H follows suit by popping on her face as Gene reminds us that he's her former lover. So Triple H was the last man standing. This is officially his favorite movie. Wait, here's Gene, who gets in the ring and cums on her face too. So everyone's eliminated and Chyna "wins". They edit in a shot of all the guys laying on the mat as Chyna jumps around in celebration.

A painfully long 30 minutes of the most boring gangbang you'll ever see.

[Automatic]

Semi-main:

Gene sends us backstage where Captain Lou Albano (Ron Jeremy) is making out with Valerie the ring announcer. Other than being fat, there's no attempt at making Jeremy look like the Captain. Not a single rubber band is taped to his face.

He lowers the top of her dress, kisses her breasts, then lays her back on a table and goes down on her. After a minute or two, she rolls over to her stomach and he fingers her before trying to enter her from behind. But it seems like he can't get hard, so he abandons trying to fuck her and goes back to eating her out. What a sad display this is. It's like watching Ric Flair still trying to wrestle.

Valerie says she has to go, but that she has a friend for him. Ron refuses to admit defeat, however, and makes another attempt at fucking her. This one has more success. Valerie repeats that she has a friend for him, but probably realizing that he'll go soft by the time someone else comes in, Ron flips her on her back and keeps fucking her.

It suddenly cuts back to the arena where Hulk Hogan (Evan Stone) is making his entrance. Mean Gene is orgasmic. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PEOPLE? THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Evan Stone, who played Hulk previously in the Hogan Knows Best parody, does a great impression.

Next out is Ric Flair (Alex Sanders). Gene squeals with glee. Without all the posing and shirt-tearing, Flair's entrance is much shorter. They both end up in the ring, slowly running around and bouncing off the ropes as Gene wonders where Chyna is.

Back to Ron. Chyna has appeared out of thin air with her face between Valerie's legs. Ron takes his dick back out of his pants so Chyna can suck it. Valerie hops off the table and tries to escape, but Ron grabs her and pulls her in for a kiss. After a brief tongue-tangle, she finally manages to get away.

Ron has unbuttoned his shirt and his hideous belly button is now visible. It looks like a woman giving birth to a mass of tumors. Run for your life, Valerie.

Ron kneels down to make out with Chyna and frantically strokes his dick the entire time to try getting hard. So sad. When he's finally ready, he stands back up so Chyna can resume blowing him. She makes like she's deepthroating him, but she's only getting about half of it since Ron's holding the base of his dick. He leans down and fingers her, then has to start stroking again.

After an obvious edit, Ron appears to be fully hard while Chyna's sucking him. He lays her back on the table, fingers her for a bit, and then starts fucking her. But once again he has to stop, kissing her while feverishly jerking himself. Why even put this scene in the movie? I know everyone has their kink, but is there really anyone alive who's getting off on seeing Chyna and a fat, half-flaccid old man having sex?

He finally starts fucking her again. They stay in the same position, with Chyna on her back. Then in the highlight of the movie to this point, Ron starts his countdown and tells Chyna to start counting back from 20. Please enjoy the following transcript.

Chyna: Twenty... nineteen... ohhh! (Mumbles)teen?
Ron (like he's correcting her): Eighteen.
Chyna: ...twelve?
Ron: Seventeen!

There aren't words. Chyna eventually remembers how to count and Ron pulls out at one to cum on her pussy. She drops down and sucks him, staring into the camera as she does. I haven't mentioned it to this point, but Chyna stares into the camera rather frequently. It's like she thinks she has to mug and make sexy faces at all times. It looks completely unnatural. I know she's still new to this, but it just doesn't work.

[Automatic]

Main Event:

Back out to the arena, where Gene says Hogan and Flair have been running the ropes for ten minutes. Flair's tights are halfway down to make his ass crack visible. Possibly the most realistic aspect of the movie yet.

Chyna comes out and as I believe they say in wrestling, she appears to be "in no condition to perform". Have you seen the video of a fucked-up Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall being led to the ring? This feels similar.

Right on cue, she rolls under the bottom rope, then just keeps rolling over and over until she falls out the other side of the ring. Stone and Sanders stand there dumbfounded. Then Sanders gives a Flair "woooo". Gold.

Here's Gene on Chyna's rolling.

Gene: What is this move? Very curious. Cut to two dicks in her mouth.

Sure enough, Chyna's suddenly on her knees in the ring, blowing both guys. Gene does commentary this time, talking in a low golf announcer voice. After a few minutes of oral, they try to stand her up. But while she was merely unsteady during the gangbang, she's now practically dead weight.

They finally get her feet flat on the mat, but her head is still pointed straight down like she's touching her toes. Evan repeatedly tells her to stop sucking his cock as they try to get her into a simple "bent over" position. They're successful and Sanders fucks her from behind as Evan slides his dick in and out of her mouth. She's too messed up to blow him.

Evan stands her up mostly straight and starts kissing her. Sanders pulls out and gives a look like he'd rather be anywhere else. This isn't a porn scene, it's two guys trying their best to keep a train from going off the rails. Incidentally, the commentary from Gene stopped at some point along the way.

Chyna sinks back down to her knees, forcing Evan to drag her back up. He has to tell her to bend over. He's coaching her like a wrestler calling out moves in the ring. In wrestling, Evan would be celebrated for being a great worker.

Chyna slumps back into the toe-touching position again as Sanders fucks her, so Evan has to lift her back into being bent-over. He just rubs his dick back and forth against her mouth, then holds it inside her mouth while she does nothing.

After an edit they finally have Chyna on her back while Sanders fucks her and Evan fucks her mouth. This way she doesn't have to do anything but lay there. Evan starts getting back into character and then pins her arms down, saying "Lemme tell ya something, Chyna!" Chyna mumbles about having a conversation and then says "You never loved me". I don't know what that means, but at least she's able to speak. That's good to know.

They switch so that Evan is fucking her and Sanders is by her mouth. Evan drops some more Hulkster style verbiage and Flair woooos.

After an edit, Evan is now fucking her in the ass while she continues to lay on her back. He goes very slowly and Sanders stops altogether for a while as she gets used to it. Then they get going again. Evan fingers her pussy while he fucks her. After a few minutes, they switch again and now Flair's doing the anal. It's just the same thing dragging on and on, two guys fucking a girl who's only capable of laying still.

Another edit and they've actually gotten Chyna up onto her knees. Hulk's doing the anal again. After some close-ups of Chyna staring into the camera, and some close-ups of the anal, the guys switch again. Chyna starts blowing Evan and Sanders doesn't even bother trying to fuck her.

Edit #3825. Chyna's on her side and Hulk goes in her ass again. After a few minutes, she eventually ends up on her back once more. It’s just an endless loop of the same thing, one guy in her ass while the other sort-of gets a blowjob. They do a close-up of Chyna's face with her head in Sanders' lap and he's not the slightest bit hard.

Stone starts giving her the anal harder. She's clearly not used to it and does a lot of Lamaze style breathing. After that brief interlude, he’s back in her pussy. But he doesn't stay for long and starts alternating back and forth between holes. Sanders isn't even in the ring anymore.

After a few minutes of Evan going from hole to hole, Sanders suddenly hurries over and pops on Chyna's face. They do a close-up of his face as he woooos like Flair. Then they show him laying on the mat like the guys after the gangbang.

Chyna tells Hulk to fuck her ass and that she's going to cum. Then she declares that she's cumming. If you say so.

Hulk's still going from hole to hole. Then just as I suggested earlier, he starts saying Chyna can't make him cum. Well, technically, she's not. She's just laying there. But... oh no... the Hulkster can't hold it and he pops on her face.

After an extended shot of Chyna’s sticky face, they show a dark shot of her holding a championship belt while a strobe light flashes. I guess she wins. Chyna IS the queen of the ring!

My god. What can really be said? This was a complete train wreck. Initially, I wondered why the release was pushed back for nearly nine months. Now I'm wondering why they released it at all. Couldn't they have saved face and told people that WWE got it shut down?

The presence of Lisa Ann keeps this from being a total waste of time. I don't know, but I'm going to guess that her part was added sometime during the release delay in an attempt to save this horrendous failure of a movie. And I suppose the taboo of having father and daughter characters involved in a threesome will probably appeal to some, although it wasn't played up at all.

Other than those two aspects, this movie only has appeal for the sort of people who watch beheading videos. It’s not worth the bandwidth it would take to download it for free.

[K2Jelly]

[Wade Barrett 1979]

Okay, seriously. One of you guys needs to ditch the Wade Barrett sig. I can't tell jelle from WB apart anymore!

What? 2 pictures that are vaguely similar.

[FancyShmancyPants17]

Hahahahaha. I didn't read it, but I skimmed towards the end and saw Vince McMahon's name! BAHAHAHA

[jelle1809]

Okay, seriously. One of you guys needs to ditch the Wade Barrett sig. I can't tell jelle from WB apart anymore!

I'll change if I can find a decent Barrett gif.

[Wade Barrett 1979]

I'll change if I can find a decent Barrett gif.

Try this: