Not so fast, Simon Dean! A drunken pirate staggers down to ringside, and it looks like the open challenge is answered!
Simon Dean vs The Drunken Swashbuckler
The fans chant "he's got scurvy" as Dean ties up and takes the Swashbuckler to the corner. He breaks, shoves Swashbuckler on the break, and goes back and forth going "YEAH!" while Swashbuckler goes "ARRRR!!" Dean is stunned and backs off to the relative safety of the floor, then comes back in, boots Swashbuckler in the gut, and unloads with right hands. Swashbuckler hiptosses and armdrags Dean around, dropkicks him into the corner, and stomps a mudhole into your paragon of physical fitness. Dean gets whipped into the corner and pulls the referee in front of a charging Swashbuckler, and ducks out from behind with a quick kick to the gut and a top wristlock takedown. Now Dean's in firm control, brings a basketball into the ring, and tosses it at the Swashbuckler's head. Dean tortures the Swashbuckler with a top wristlock, but the Swashbuckler is apparently too drunk to feel the pain and fights his way out of the hold. The Swashbuckle runs Dean over with a series of shoulderblocks, he goes for a German suplex but Dean is holding onto his curling band things those fitness guys have. Swashbuckler lets him go and Dean elastics himself into the corner, Swashbuckler goes up and unloads several punches into the back of Dean's head,but Dean carries him out on his shoulders and kicks him low. The referee didn't see that, but sees Dean covering and counts the fall.
Winner: Simon Dean
Wait a minute, Hurricane Helms runs out and tells the referee what happens. The referee rings the bell to restart the match, and the Swashbuckler gets an O'Connor Roll for the win.
Real Winner: The Drunken Swashbuckler
This was interesting. Simon Dean hasn't lost his ability to work a crowd, that's for sure. They told a fun story with this one, even though it's too bad the Extreme Rising Title wasn't on the line. Maybe he can catch Stevie on XBox Live later.
PWS Tri-State Title Match: Alex Reynolds vs Starman
Starman wipes Reynolds out on his way to the ring and rolls him inside, but a guy in an evil Starman outfit comes out and attacks Starman, give him an ugly looking brainbuster variation, and takes the mask off to reveal that he's the real Alex Reynolds and the other guy was just a decoy. He covers Starman for 3.
Winner: Alex Reynolds
PWS Commissioner Big Van Vader comes out and agrees with the crowd that what we just saw was BS, and says that he's going to restart the match and make Reynolds earn it. Reynolds tries tossing his decoy at Vader, who bowls him over with a Vader Bomb and again tells Reynolds to earn it. The bell rings, and we're back to it!
Tri-State Title Match #2: Alex Reynolds vs Starman
Reynolds says he'll earn it all right, and hits a pump handle slam on Starman for 2. He picks Starman up, Starman gives him a brainbuster out of nowhere and makes a cover, and that's all she wrote.
Winner and New PWS Tri-State Champion: Starman
Not much to the match, but the Starman character was funny and this was really just an excuse to get Vader in front of the crowd and give him something to do.
Hardcore Scramble: Apollyon vs Devon Moore vs Lucifer Darkside vs Necro Butcher vs New Jack vs Matt Tremont vs Tommy Dreamer
Necro attacks Apollyon as soon as he makes his entrance, and I have my stuff in hand and ready to move if this comes over here, so I apologize if there's a gap in the coverage. New Jack's music hits, and he comes out with the trashbasket full of plunder. He and Tommy go at it, but then Tremont comes in and goes after New Jack, charging him in the corner and then getting his face gouged off by the Freddy Krueger claw he apparently didn't notice New Jack was wearing. Tremont's face is already gouged open, but being the kind soul he is, New Jack tries to soothe him by getting him in the head with a staplegun. Everyone else is fighting on the floor as New Jack brutalizes Tremont with a fork, then takes him out into the area where I am, followed by everyone else. Necro is destroying Apollyon with chairs until Darkside nails Necro with one, then he lays in a hard shot to Apollyon of his own. Dreamer puts Apollyon on a table, then New Jack and Dreamer climb the scaffold and fight each other until Tommy is knocked off. New Jack continues to the top of the scaffold and dives off onto a bunch of people, then Necro picks the table up and hits Tremont in the ribs with it. New Jack staples Tremont's face again, then does it four or five more times before stapling Tremont's nuts. Everyone heads back toward the ring where Apollyon catches Moore on a crossbody and powerslams him, then Darkside picks Apollyon up and hits a Samoan drop. Darkside puts a tash can on top of Darkside and moonsaults onto him, then Necro comes in and chokes Tremont with a chair until the referee stops the match.
Winner: Necro Butcher
New Jack gets a microphone and tells Necro Butcher that he can't run from him, he just drove in the opposite direction when he knew he was coming. Two things are going to happen tomorrow: New Jack is retiring right here in this ring, and Necro might have beaten Abdullah the Butcher and Terry Funk, but 8 track was in style a long time ago, and he doesn't care about winning or losing tomorrow, he's...well, he's going to (mess) him up right here tomorrow.
30 Man Rumble Match
I once again have to apologize, because I don't know a single person in that ring. They start off with about half of the competitors in the ring, and then everyone else comes in at 30 second intervals. I recognize a few of the faces like John Silver and Facade, but otherwise am drawing a total blank until Hurricane Helms comes in and cleans house, chokeslams The Big O (a huge, Batista-looking dude who had been dominating the match up to this point), and then wound up fighting Bonesaw on the... (Continues on next page)