one arm tied behind his back, which leads to Ace booking that match with that exact stipulation. Show says a giant with one arm is better than a smug lawyer with no testicles.
Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler are arguing about which one of them is going to beat CM Punk. Ziggler tells Swagger to ask Santa for a time machine so he can got back to 2009 when he was relevant. Actually, I remember that title reign, and he wasn't relevant then, either, even when he had the World Heavyweight Title. Vickie tries to play peacemaker, until Mark Henry walks up and interrupts them with "Excuse me." Funny bit that didn't really hurt Henry's image, as him doing comedy normally would.
Match Numero Dos: Zack Ryder & Eve Torres vs. Tyson Kidd & Nattie Neidhart
HART DYNASTY REUNION~! I miss that team.
Michael Cole tells us that, on WWE.com, we've seen Ryder trying to "get with" Eve Torres. I'm going to have to take your word on that one, Cole. Does anybody actually follow angles that are run on WWE.com?
Kidd and Ryder start, with Tyson putting the boots to the US Champ and hitting a back elbow. He follows with a buzzsaw-esque kick to the back of the head, but he runs into Ryder's knees in the corner. Zack comes off the ropes with a missile dropkick, prompting Tyson to make the tag. Eve comes in to face Nattie and powers her back into the corner before armdragging her down. Eve gets a snap mare and a big kick en route to her pop-and-lock standing moonsault. It gets two. Eve looks to follow up on her offense, but Nattie trips her up and drops her throat-first over the middle rope. The Diva of Destruction looks for a sharpshooter but gets kicked in the face, and here's a tag to Ryder. He runs wild on Tyson Kidd with clotheslines and a facebuster. Tyson briefly cuts him off with a kick, but Zack makes a comeback. Eve and Ryder set up for stereo kicks, with Eve kicking Nattie in the gut while Ryder gives Tyson the facewash in the corner. That leads into Zack's leg lariat, and he pins Kidd to win the match. Uneventful but inoffensive little bout designed to give Ryder some TV time.
Winners: Zack Ryder & Eve Torres
A WWE.com commercial tells us that, if we go there, they can give us everything we need to be a superfan. Does that mean they're finally selling the Vladimir costume that I've wanted them to put out for years?
John Cena is out after the break. He's boo'ed pretty heavily.
Cena acknowledges that Chicago hasn't always particularly cared for him. He puts over some of Chicago's WWE history, including it hosting three Wrestlemanias and being the cite of Eddy Guerrero's Hall of Fame induction. Trying to get Cena a positive reaction by trading off of Eddy's goodwill with the fans is pretty cheap. Cena says he wants to make a memorable moment just like the other memorable WWE moments Chicago has seen, and he calls out Kane.
Kane doesn't appear. Instead, the Miz does. Remember when they were trying to rebuild Miz into somebody that mattered and then flushed it all down the toilet with Sheamus squashing him in three minutes? Miz claims that 2011 was his year. He wants to face Cena tonight in order to "tie up loose ends" that were left as a result of people claiming Miz's Wrestlemania victory over Cena only occurred during the Rock. I figured Cena beating Miz like an absolute bitch for the rest of the year already tied up that loose end. Cena immediately accepts his challenge, though, and here we go.
Match Numero Tres: John Cena vs. Mike the Miz
Cena takes down Miz early but doesn't get any offense off of it. The two lock up, and Cena takes him down again, this time with a headlock. We've got dueling Cena chants, with the "Cena Sucks" side winning. Miz powers out of the headlock and bails when Cena shoves him into the ropes. Miz slides out of the ring, chides the people for chanting the wrong wrestler's name, and starts talking about how it doesn't matter how he beat Cena at Wrestlemania. It just matters that he did. In the middle of this, the referee counts him out of the ring and calls for the bell.
Winner: John Cena via count out
Just as Miz is about to hit his catchphrase, R-Truth's music hits, and here comes the man himself, fresh off his synthetic weed suspension. Truth throws Miz into the barricades, the announce table, and the ring steps before grabbing the mic himself. Truth says he could finish Miz off right now, but it wouldn't be any fun. He wants every Monday night to be like Christmas, so he'll take his time killing Miz.
This whole segment was really weird and disjointed. Cena was there to call out Kane but didn't get him. Miz cuts a confident promo about wanting to beat Cena but then his motivations do a complete 180 after thirty seconds in the ring. R-Truth comes out and acts like a complete heel but bludgeons Miz, who is also a heel. Truth's promo made NO sense, which is okay if he's a comedy guy but doesn't really work if he's serious, which appears to be the case. Plus this was all the latest in the long parade of segments that has made Miz look like an utter job guy, which is just weird because they keep sticking him in main event spots.
Match Numero Cuatro: Big Show vs. David Otunga - Show must have one arm tied behind his back.
I find the announcers' talk about how everybody would love to knock out an attorney really disturbing. Otunga runs early, but Big show clubs him with forearms and throws him over the top rope. Before long, Mark Henry's music hits, and he manages to get in a cheap shot on Show while the Giant's arm is still restrained. Cue Daniel Bryan, who distracts the World's Strongest Man long enough for show to finish untying his arm. Show goes after Henry but Mark backs away as David Otunga reenters the ring. Otunga eats a chokeslam, and that's the end of the segment. Unlike the prior match, this felt like a pretty seamless transition from the Show/Otunga mini-issue into something that furthered the larger Bryan/Show/Henry... (Continues on next page)