Friday, March 29, 2024
EditorialCYRUS'S RAW ROUNDUP: 5/11

CYRUS’S RAW ROUNDUP: 5/11

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Oh my god… It’s time for the Monday Night Cyrus Raw Roundup

“Boy, you can tell that Tamina has put on about 5 to 8 lbs.”
-Booker T

We’re live this evening from the only nice city in Ohio, so we must be in goddamn Cincinatti. We got a stretch pulling up into the arena and it’s none other than Terra Ryzing himself. And before you can say mouse fart, he’s on his way to the ring. He calls himself Daddy, and then invites Lt. J.G. Seth Plisken(see if any of you fuckers get that one) and Kano out to the ring in order to clear the air. Sethrey comes out first and says that Kane has cancer. He also cries about how Jeans Ambrose is now in the title match at Payback. He then asks HHH to shoot Kane. Which brings out the big red necktie. A lot of yelling ensues, and sweet jesus this promo has been going on for 15 minutes now. In the end Kane doesn’t quit the Authority and is slated to go against the Kevlar Kid Roman Reigns, while Seth has to face Randiesel Orton. Jamie Noble lets off some high pitched squeals, so HHH makes J&J go up against ole Deansie right now.

Match 1: Dean “Levi Strauss” Ambrose vs. B & J Security

Ambrose starts off fast, throwing these half-squats all over the ring. Eventually the little squirts gain the advantage, however, and are in control of the offense for a couple of mintues. Ambrose quickly storms back and hits an outside dive on both of the half-lings. Back in the ring, Ambrose then clobbers them both with a double clothesline and hits Nidia’s ex lover(THAT’S JAMIE NOBLE, BTW. Do you remember that shit?) with Dirty Deeds and this one is done ski.

Match 2: King Bad News Barrett vs. Van Ziggler

God, they’ve ruined Barrett. So much promise, flushed down the toilet. Anywho, Sheamus and his accent have
decided to join us on commentary. Ziggler(who looks like an extra from Hot Tub Time Machine) immediately hits a super kick at the beginning of the match, and we promptly cut to commercial. Back from Break, Ziggles is still in control. After hitting a dropkick on Barrett, Sheamus distracts him just long enough for Barrett to hit Ziggler with the bull hammer and pick up the win roughly 5-6 minutes in to the match. Afterwards floppy-haired Sheamus beats down Dolph.

Match 3: Erick “Jump Suit” Rowan vs. Fandango

So Luke Harper and Erick Rowan are cool now? Alright, that’s cool I suppose. They should be tag champs ASAP. Seriously, I love this team. OH WAIT, we had a match. Fandango got squashed in less than 40 seconds. Poor guy.

Uh-oh, it’s time for John Cena’s Open Squash Challenge. Tonight’s contestant: Neville Longbottom

Jesus Christ, this squatty little dude is shorter than Jamie Noble. Back and forth action to start the match. Neville hits John Cena with a dropkick that sends Juan Cena rolling to the outside as we go to break. Back from commercial and the chosen Juan is still getting his ass whooped by this little dude Neville. Some high flying shit from Neville, and I’ll admit it this kid’s pretty fucking good. A near fall for Neville is promptly followed with a near fall for Cena, and some fucking handsprings from Neville. He hits G.I. John with a super kick and almost gets the 3-count. “This is awesome” chants ensue. And almost on cue he’s locked up in to the STF, he rolls out of it and is clobbered with a clothesline. Neville gets planted with the AA but then kicks out of it…. this match is pretty fucking nice. Neville then somehow hits Cena with a Powerbomb and goes up for the Red Arrow. He hits it, but then hey guess what? Rusev’s Bulgarian Ass shows up, and this match is over. What a crock of shit.

Match 5: Fake Diesel vs. Roman Blehhhhhhh

Welp, looks like we’re not going to have a match after all. These two assclowns just threw working punches on the outside of the ring for 5 minutes and then Reigns speared Isaac Yankem over the announce table…. end segment. Just a quality show tonight, guys.

Match 5(AGAIN): Brie Bryan-Bella vs. Tamina

I’ve go no input on this shit, none at all. The Fridge wins via super kick.

AXELMANIA is still running wild apparently and it’s on a collision course with Mandow Madness.

Match 6: Axelmania vs. Macho Mandow

Match barely gets started before the Ascension make their way down to the ring. Boy these guys really suck. You can see where this is going Axelmania and Mandow go all Mega Powers on their ass and give them a bit of a beat down…. Jesus Christ this shit sucks.

Danny O’Bryan is out now to address the big injured elephant in the room. He relinquishes the belt, well we all knew it was coming.

Match 7: The New Day Church Revival’s Big E vs. Cesaro w/Tyson Kidd & Natty’s Titties

You know I gotta give these New Day Clowns a little bit of credit, I mean they’ve taken what was an absolute trainwreck of an idea and are now the tag champs and seem to have picked up a little steam. Match is a pretty good back and forth match all the way up until the end where Cesaro wins via a fucked up roll-up pin.

TWO PPV’s in a month? What the hell? Elimination Chamber is on May 31st

Braysus Wyatt Christ Promo…. You know the one… you’ve seen it before.

Main Event Time: Randall Boreton vs. Latex Seth Rollins

Rollin’s is without his midget compatriots for tonights match, and Mitchell Cole makes sure we know that before the match starts. Randy Orton starts off in control in this one. Working in typical, methodical/borderline criminally slow pace. All of this stalling and standing around by Orton leads to a comeback by Rollins who throws Randy Ortunga to the outside as we go to break.

Back from commercial, and Rollins is still in control. He gets hung up on the top turnbuckle and Randy slows things fucking down again. JESUS CHRIST, speed up Randy. He finally hits him with a superplex, and now they are trading blows. Back and forth action continues for a bit before Ortega hits Rollins with a big powerslam that results in a near-fall. He goes for the hang-man DDT and gets the rope guillotine for his troubles. Rollins hits an outside dive and now he’s stalking Randy Bo Bandy in the ring. Randy tries for an RKO out of nowhere but gets a kick to the chops instead.

Rollins then goes for what looks like a powerbomb but then a series of reversals happen that leads to a hangman’s ddt for orton. This prompts the midget security to interfere.

Randy fights off the small children, but Seth hits him from behind. Kane’s music hits and the crowd goes mild. He grabs a chair and just stands there like a big lurch, so Reigns and Ambrose come down and make the save. Orton, Reigns and Ambrose then take turns whooping Rollins ass as Kane just continues to stand there like a turd. Reigns then spears Orton, and then gets a DDT from Ambrose as Ambrose celebrates to end the show.

Raw Rating: 2 shit hawks out of 10

Dead Wrassler of the Week!

Chief Jay Strongbow
Cause of Death: He facking fell… seriously. He fell in his home and then later died.

MUST WATCH WRESTLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK!

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