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John Cena
John Felix Anthony Cena
  • Birthdate: 04/23/1977 (age 37)
  • Height: 6'1"
  • Weight: 251 Ib

Cena is known as "the face of the WWE for a lon...

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Event: WWE Monday Night RAW

Airdate: Monday, January 21st, 2013 (USA Network)

Location: The HP Pavilion in San Jose, California

Results by Ken Hill

“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”

-We start with a lovely "Martin Luther King, Jr. Day" tribute video. Long Live The Dream, indeed.

-LIVE from San Jose, California, and we start off with Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman, arm in arm, coming down to the ring. She assures us that we will be entertained on our...her show, and that she will always do the right thing professionally, even if it is not the most popular decision. This particularly applies to the Rock.

-Heyman on the mic, who is here for a show of solidarity with Ms. Guerrero. He goes to claim The Rock defamed his name, as well as that of the greatest, and "sexiest", GM of Monday Night Raw. We go back to the, frankly, godawful Rock Concert, where he insults Heyman's manhood. He says it's one thing to pick a fight with someone like Heyman, but to insult Vickie is contemptible. He shows the part where the Rock insults Vickie up and down, looks, hooker references, the works.

-Vickie is glad we're laughing at that, because even thought the Rock will be here, he is officially banned from the arena and will be arrested on sight if he tries to enter. A stagehand informs her The Rock has arrived and discovered he cannot enter. The Rock laughs it off, saying Vickie is trying to screw the people and looks like she swallowed a bunch of stick pickles. The officer says they won't have a choice but to arrest him. He says if anyone should be arrested, it's Punk for having an imaginary set, Heyman for having floppy tits, or Vickie for thinking she can keep the Rock out, that she must have her head shoved up her ass.

-Vickie asks us if we think that's funny, she gets a resounding "YES!", but tells us it doesn't matter, and the only song Rock will sing tonight is "Jailhouse Rock." CLEVER. She ends with, "IF you smellll what the VICK is cooking!" and exits in a huff with Heyman.

-We findout that there will be a "Beat the Clock" series of matches, where the winner with the fastest time will get to choose the number he enters at! Hmmm, could we have someone try to follow in Shawn Michaels' footsteps? Orton and Cesaro face off in the first match...NEXT!

Beat the Clock Match: US Champion Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton

Cesaro shrugs off Orton on the lock-up, Orton counters with a roll-up for two. Orton with another school boy for two. Antonio cinches a headlock takeover and gets a pair of two counts. Antonio with a shoulder block for a one count. Orton counters a headlock, but Cesaro with a body shot and an uppercut, but Randy comes back with the Thesz Press. Cesaro blocks a suplex into an inside cradle for two. Orton with a dropkick for two. Orton takes down Cesaro on the outside and rolls him back in for a two count. Cesaro backs off from Orton. More or less a feeling out between the two, which may not be the right idea as the clock keeps ticking and we go to break...

~Commercial Break~

Antonio with shoulder thrusts to Orton in the corner, with the clock at 6:50 and counting. Orton counters a superplex attempt and pushes Cesaro off, but he comes right back and knocks Orton to the floor. Cesaro rolls him back in for a near fall. The dead-lift gutwrench gets a two count, then Cesaro hooks both legs for another near fall. Tilt-a-whirl slam get another near fall for the US Champ. Orton fights out of a chinlock, and fires up with clotheslines and a big powerslam. Orton primes for the DDT, but Cesaro jackknifes him for a near fall. Orton gets lifted into a BIG uppercut for another near fall. Cesaro drags Orton up and drills him shoulder first into the ring post. Cesaro tosses him back in, glances at the clock...big mistake...RKO OUT OF NOWEHRE! 3 COUNT!

Winner: Randy Orton

Time: 11:36

-We get the proper epic "Hall of Fame" video for the "Hardcore Legend" himself Mick Foley, done to "Keep Your Eyes Open" by Needtobreathe.

-The Shield, in another vignette, tells us it's time for our eyes to be open or they will open them for us. We see the destruction they've wreaked since showing up at Survivor Series in 2012, laying waste to Ryback, Sheamus, Randy Orton, The Miz, and others, all in the name of Justice...and they're just getting started.

~Commercial Break~

-As the FORMER...