Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, October 28th, 2013 (USA Network)
Location: The Amway Center in Orlando, FL
Results by Amanda Chamers of Gerweck
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
Tonight we’re going to talk all about last night’s Hell In A Cell pay-per-view!
We’re shown some stills, starting out with Punk whomping the crap out of Heyman on top of the cage. With a kendo stick.
Next are some stills of Bryan and RKO, with special ref HBK. HBK landed an Sweet Chin Music on Bryan to cost him the title. Shawn Michaels is apparently in the building to explain why he decided to do that. We also get to have a ”Randy Orton Celebration” whatever that means, and I can only hope party hats are involved.
You can vote now on the WWE app to determine what kind of match CM Punk and Ryback can have.
Here comes John Cena. In a pink shirt. With the belt.
All the announcers are talking about his surgery maybe he came back too soon. Maybe.
He’s gonna talk about some stuff now.
Some people are happy he’s back and some people are not, which sounds about right. He wants to thank one particular skeptic, who would be JBL.
He’s very excited to be back.
He encourages Del Rio to “come get some” re: his rematch. So that could be fun.
Damian Sandow decides to come out with his briefcase. Oh? Could we be cashing?
He grabs a mic and…. “The uncrowned champ is here.” Ok. Sandow says it’s humanly impossible for a tricep to heal in the amount of time Cena was gone for. Sandow says Cena is afraid he’ll cash in.
He taunts a cash, and I got all excited, but then he changed his mind. He goes to leave the ring and then attacks Cena with the briefcase, focusing on the elbow, because of course. He yells “RISE ABOVE THIS” and then throws him into the barricade, and then into the ringsteps. He props Cena’s bad arm on the steps and slams a metal chair on him. Sandow into the ring, grabs his briefcase and THIS TIME is officially cashing in the case.
Cena has made his way into the ring. The match starts.
Match 1: Damian Sandow vs. John Cena for the World Heavyweight Title
Despite not using his bad arm, Cena seems to be spry enough. Sandow’s after him but can’t keep him down. He focuses a lot on Cena’s elbow and arm in general. He keeps trying for pins and it isn’t working for him.
Cena manages to get off a half-decent belly to belly suplex. Sandow comes back with a hiptoss and goes back to the bad arm. Sandow tries a suplex and a cover but Cena isn’t done yet.
Cena gets a big body drop on Sandow and they’re both down. Cena’s still favoring his elbow.
Back from commercial to see a pretty solid back and forth. Cena comes off the rope with the shoulder and knocks them both flat. Cena gets a big body drop and starts the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Sandow fights back. There’s a quick shot of Cena’s doctor watching at ringside.
Cena sets up for the Shuffle again but Sandow rolls out of the ring. The doctor comes up and speaks to Cena but apparently Cena chooses to continue. He picks up Sandow and throws him back into the ring. He tries to lock in the STF. Can’t really work. A quick near fall, but the match continues.
Cena tries a half-done neckbreaker but it isn’t enough to keep Sandow down. They’re both pretty done in. Suddenly Sandow gets the arm locked in but no, no Cena gets up. Sandow lands the “You’re Welcome” but that can’t keep Cena down either.
Sandow props Cena up on the turnbuckle but Cena fights back and Sandow drops to the mat. He climbs up and tries a big flying leap but Sandow moves away. Now he might have tweaked his knee. Sandow charges and Cena hits the AA out of nowhere.
He celebrates with his belt and heads backstage.
Backstage promo time with the Shield. Ambrose has to defend his title against Big E. Langston.
Match 2: Dean Ambrose vs. Big E Langston for the US Championship
Langston got a nasty cut on his face at last night’s matches that took 7 stitches; Ambrose has one under his chin that took 8.
Dang, they come right out the gate at each other. Ambrose with some hardcore clothelines and Langston with a serious kick. Ambrose in control, keeping Langston down with some big kicks. Langston gets up and lands some punches, followed by some flying shoulders. And then a huge belly to belly suplex. He tries to come off the ropes and land something on Ambrose, but Reigns and Rollins pull the ropes down and he tumbles over, where the two attack him. They throw Langston into the ring and all three of them go after him. The Usos come out running to aid Langston. They brawl and then GM Brad Maddox comes out and makes this US title match a six man tag match.
Match 2.5: Big E Langston and the Usos vs. Shield
Back from commercial to see Roman in the ring beating an undisclosed Uso. Ambrose tags in and continues beating said Uso. He tags in Rollins. Uso tries to come back and Rollins lands a nice dropkick. Reigns in again. And Ambrose again, keeping the Uso down with a headlock. Uso manages to get a nice kick right into Ambrose’s face. He stumbles back to his corner and tags in Reigns. Uso gets Reigns down and Jey Uso gets into the ring. Rollins is in the ring and everyone else has gone flying out. Uso lands a terrific spinebuster and tries for a cover but it’s broken by a Shield member. Langston takes him out.
Uso and Rollins still in the ring, with Rollins to a slight advantage at least until Uso throws Rollins from the top rope onto his face. He tries to follow it up with a leap but Rollins gets his knees up.
Rollins and Reigns try to double team the Uso, but the other Uso joins in. They try to retaliate on the two Shield members, but Reigns lands a crazy spear on the both of them, and he makes the win for Shield.
It’s time for HBK’s explanation for that superkick.
He asks Daniel Bryan to come out so he can explain to his face. Bryan obliges and walks down to the ring.
HBK says he didn’t “intend” for that to happen. There’s a “you sold out” chant from the crowd.
We get a nice long speech about how Triple H and HBK are best friends. Besties. Apparently he superkicked Bryan because he was attacking Triple H. He doesn’t expect Bryan to understand or appreciate it, but he wants Bryan to accept his apology.
Last night HBK taught Bryan the “final” lesson. The most important lesson. You don’t trust anybody. HBK demands respect from Bryan. Bryan’s just like “Nope.” Just a very cold head shake.
Woah now. HBK calls him a “self-righteous little puke.” That’s not very nice. He’s giving Bryan the chance to shake his hand on worldwide television because he is Shawn freaking Michaels. Bryan just snaps and attacks him, pulling him into the Yes lock. HBK taps like crazy even though there’s no actual ref, at least until three of them run out from backstage and pull Bryan away. He leaves the ring and the refs check on HBK.
Oh, Kane is coming back tonight too.
Backstage interview with Daniel Bryan. The blond interviewer starts a question and then backs off in fear. Out of nowhere are the Wyatts, beating up poor Daniel Bryan. They throw him into a big ladder, then into a chain-link gate. He’s left a twitching heap on the concrete floor.
The announcers are all like “whaaaa….?”
Match 3: Los Matadores vs. 3mB
Heath Slater has a big net… are they going to use that on their little bull?
Mahal starts out with one of the Matadores. Solid back and forth. Slater gets in and gets the Matador down. All of 3MB combine for a triple team body slam. They’re pretty well in control, tagging in and out indiscriminately and keeping the Matador off his feet. Slater misses a knee drop and the Matador tags in his partner, who’s fresh in and very fast and keeping 3MB on their toes. DrewMac lands a rough dropkick and Heath gets the bullnet and stalks Taurito. He misses and crawls under the ring.
Taurito shoots off a fire extinguisher right into Slater’s face. He sneaks up behind and pushes him over. While DrewMac was distracted, both Matadores come up from behind and drop him on his face, for the win. They take the bullnet into the ring, and throw Heath Slater in, and catch him with it. Taurito does a nice high flying move onto Slater, and the three celebrate in the ring.
Don’t forget, if you have the WWE app you can choose the stipulation for the Punk/Ryback match!
Match 5: Kane vs. The Miz
Aw man the Miz is gon’ get squashed.
Miz limps his way down to the ring.
He tries to start an offensive, but I mean, it’s Kane. Kane just kicks him down. And then smacks him down. Miz lands a couple of kicks and a flying clothesline, and then tries a leap off the top rope. Kane catches him and chokeslams him and yeah, I called that.
Kane gets a mic and calls out Stephanie McMahon. She walks out to the top of the ramp and no further. Kane tells her she’s abused her authority and ruined lives. Is he sticking up for Daniel Bryan. That would be cute. Oh, no he’s not, because he just used the “But it’s best for business” line, and says the monster is hers to unleash.
He walks up the ramp towards her, gives her his mask, and walks away. She holds it victoriously aloft.
David Otunga reads a letter about Big Show’s lawsuit. He’s saying the lawsuit could cost the McMahon’s millions.
But whatever, because here’s CM freaking Punk.
Punk says he slept like a baby last night, because he finally got Paul Heyman. He is ridiculously over, holy crap.
Now the only thing he has left to deal with is Ryback. He says he promised he would put an end to Heyman, and he did. He now promises that now he will defeat Ryback.
And now the results… the stipulation for the Punk/Ryback match is…. Street Fight. Punk looks very excited.
Match 6: CM Punk vs. Ryback
Oof, Ryback right out the gate with a charge and some brutal elbows while Punk’s stuck in the corner. Punk manages to get out and land a crossbody, but it doesn’t keep him down. He throws Ryback out of the ring and jumps on him, but Ryback catches him and stomps him all over the place.
Ryback goes under the ring and pulls out a big folding table. He puts it in the ring. He reaches for Punk but Punk has a kendo stick and smacks him a good few times, at least until Ryback knocks the wind out of him and he sprawls on the mat. Ryback charges him but Punk grabs him in a neckbreaker.
Punk goes for the table and sets it up while Ryback lurches to his feet. Ryback gets Punk on his shoulders and throws him into the turnbuckle. He prop Punk on the turnbuckle and starts setting up for a superplex but Punk fights back. Punk jumps off but Ryback catches him and almost throws him through the table, but Punk kicks his head and puts him on the table. Punk gets up on the turnbuckle again and elbows him through the table. He gets the knocked-down Ryback in the Anaconda Vise and although Ryback struggles, he eventually taps out.
Suddenly, the Wyatt family… again.
Punk crouches in the ring and waits. The lights go back on and he gets the kendo stick and tries to fight them off. Harper and Rowan beat the heck out of him while Bray watches calmly from the rocking chair.
They lay him flat and Bray comes in to join the brawl. Punk is bleeding from his forehead. He headbutts Bray but Harper clotheslines his head nearly off his shoulders and he’s flat down again. Bray gets him and does his DDT thing on him. He says again, “The devil made me do it.”
Match 7: Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust
Goldust and Cesaro start it off. Goldust seems to have the advantage, throwing the incredibly tall Cesaro around the ring like it ain’t nothin’. Cesaro has enough and tags in Swagger, who does not fare particularly better. He manages to get Goldust in the corner and tags in Cesaro.
Goldust tags in Cody and Cesaro is still not doing very well. He kicks Cody and tries to get out of the corner but Cody just kicks him down. Zeb Colter calls encouragement from ringside. Cody drops Cesaro and tags Goldust back in, does the same thing. Cesaro makes a desperate tag for Swagger. He is rapidly clotheslined out of the ring by Cody. Cesaro, Colter and Swagger regroup outside of the ring.
Back from commercial to see Swagger and Cody, with Swagger actually dominating the ring. He tags in Cesaro, who lands a nice suplex. He tags Swagger back in who continues beating Cody and holding him away from Goldust. He slams Cody into the corner. Swagger lands the Swaggerbomb and Cesaro tags himself in. Cesaro jumps off Swagger and lands a dropkick into Cody’s side before transitioning into a headlock.
Cody pulls himself up but Cesaro lands this crazy move where he throws Cody up and then lands a nasty European uppercut. He almost gets the pin but Goldust interferes.
Cody manages to get enough breath to fight back, and knees Cesaro out the ring. Swagger shouts encouragement, and Cesaro climbs in the ring enough to tag Swagger as Cody tags in Goldust. Goldust is all over the ring and Swagger can’t get any offense started. Cesaro runs in to try and help and Cody grabs him and they brawl outside. Goldust jumps off the rope and looks like maybe he has Swagger, but Swagger gets him in the Anklelock. It’s almost over but he counters, Swagger goes flying into the corner. He bounces back and gets the Anklelock again and this time Goldust can’t get out of it.
Del Rio comes out with a mic. He doesn’t care about Sandow and what he did to Cena. He’s mad because Cena has the title, and he’s going to make Cena pay.
Match 8: Summer Rae vs. Natalya
Summer dances around and Natalya just looks at her.
Natalya has the upperhand although Summer fights back hard, it’s pretty evenly matched. Summer works Nattie into a crazy submission hold but she turns it around and gets out of it. Summer yells obnoxiously at Nattie, and tries a leglock. Nattie can’t seem to get herself together in this match at all.
This match is like 90% headlocks.
Summer takes a second to dance over and get a smooch from Fandango, but Swoggle and Khali smack him away. Natalya finally realizes she’s in a match and locks the sharpshooter like she should have done fifteen seconds into this match.
The Randy Orton Celebration (Hopefully With Party Hats) is up next to main event RAW!
Everyone in the locker room is apparently partaking in Orton’s party. Shield is guarding the ring.
Out comes Triple H and Stephanie, both with mics.
Triple H launches into a story about who he thought the future of the WWE would be, in other words, a very grandiose introduction for Randy Orton.
Orton saunters out.
He and Triple H shake hands and share a manly hug, and then a group hug involving Stephanie.
Stephanie addresses the superstars at the top of the ramp, saying he’s everyone’s champion. He is what they aspire to be. She asks them to show him the respect he so richly deserves.
Randy says having the title makes him better than everyone. He basically berates the rest of the guys.
Then the Big Show walks out… well, runs out, and heads to the ring. All three guys of Shield attack him and only slow him down. The Usos, Cody and Goldust pull Shield to the top of the ramp where everyone attacks them. Show slides into the ring and everyone scatters.
Show’s like “What’s the worst that can happen? Ya gonna arrest me?” He’s talking about his lawsuit, and how he’ll take all their money, because he has nothing to lose. Orton sneaks up from behind him and whops him in the head with the belt. He tries it again but Show KOs him with one fist. Orton is flat on his back.
Triple H takes off his nice suit coat, unbuttons his shirt, and points threateningly at Show, but does not actually get in the ring. Stephanie holds him back. He walks towards the ring again… but… nope, still doesn’t get in. They stare each other down and then Show gets out of the ring. Only then does Triple H get into the ring. And that’s how it ends.
Credit: Amanda Chamers