Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, March 12th, 2012 (USA Network)
Location: The Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio
Results by Tony Acero
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
Live Commercial Break Look In!
We get a live look in from the Land of the Cleve! John Cena rap and The Rock has a concert…tonight!
Jerry Lawler Center Ring
Michael Cole hypes up WrestleMania 28, and the 18,000+ fans in attendance. Lawler hypes tonight’s Rock & Rap Concert for later tonight, in the shadows of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. King decides to kick things off old school…
John Cena Brings It Old School
John Cena enters the arena to a chorus of boos in full Doctor of Thuganomics gear, with “Word Life” echoing throughout the arena. Throwback jersey, hat backwards, chain around his neck—the whole thing. He claims Rock wanted him to write his song, and is like Lebron James—took his talents to South Beach. Didn’t take long for the penis joke. He says both Rock & Dwayne are jack-offs, and that finally gets a reaction. Cena references the “bitch titties” surgery—he went there. He even talks about plastic surgery to the Divas, and mentions the Cleveland Steamer! PG, much? MIAMI FRIED CHICKEN SHIT! He said it. he says he’s going to beat Rock’s ass at WrestleMania, and put his nuts dead in his face. Wow.
Personal Entertianment Factor: 5/6
By the way, I don’t do star ratings. I rate the match or in-ring promo on a scale of 1-6. It’s my PEF: Personal Entertainment Factor. And that one damn near killed it.
Vickie screams, and unfortunately I missed what she said should be illegal. She wants everyone to see this man: Dolph Ziggler! Ziggler and Vickie make their way to the ring as Michael Cole hypes WWE InterAction, found at www.com/social. Ziggler’s opponent makes his way to the ring, and it doesn’t look good for Ziggler.
Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero) vs. Sheamus
The Great White gets a white hot reaction, and we get no commercial before the match. Cole mentions that Ziggler’s a former World Champion! Posturing to start, and Ziggler goes behind and attacks. Sheamus with a kick to the get, and a headlock. Sheamus gets two. Lawler gets a dig in on Vickie as Sheamus continues to work the headlock. Ziggler breaks free, punches and charges, but Sheamus sends him down hard! Sheamus drapes Ziggler over the ropes for the chest clubs, but Ziggler escapes to the floor.
We return at the 5:00 mark and Sheamus is in full control. He locks in a modified arm bar as Ziggler works his way back-up. Irish (literally) whip by ziggler, but Sheamus sends him down. Sheamus reverses a hip toss and sends Dolph to the floor! Ziggler goes under the ring as Sheamus heads outside, and Dolph cuts Sheamus off! #SheamusToAnnounceTable! Charles “Lil’ Naitch” Robinson starts the count as Ziggler makes into the ring. Sheamus has a huge welt on his back. Ziggler lays the boots to Sheamus, and is making a match of this. Neck breaker by Ziggler gets one. Ziggler locks in a laying sleeper as we throw it to Josh Matthews in a luxury box with Daniel Bryan and AJ. AJ FEARS BUGGY!
Matthews asks Daniel Bryan about his treatment of AJ, and AJ says it’s all good. Bryan cuts the interview off short, and says they love each other. Back in the ring, Sheamus breaks out of the modified sleeper, and clubs Ziggler down time after time. Twisting powerslam from the big man gets a near fall. Vickie yells on the outside as Sheamus calls for the finish. Ziggler escapes the Celtic Cross, but ends up on his back anyway. Another near fall for Sheamus and we’re putting Ziggler over on commentary. Ziggler with a crucifix for two! Nicely done. Sheamus pulls Ziggler up and nails a few rights. Fame Asser gets two for Ziggler! The crowd is alive with that near fall. Vickie thought it was a slow count, and I have to agree.
The crowd gets behind Sheamus as he lands a Broque Kick out of nowhere for three!
Winner: Sheamus in 11:56 via pinfall with the Broque Kick, 4/6
We get replays of the finish, and this was a good match, if a little bit slow. Despite Sheamus’s role at WrestleMania, Ziggler still looked strong.
Cole confirms the GM vs. GM match at WrestleMania 28 while hyping the new WWE.com. Team Long vs. Team Laurinaitis is now “officially official.”
Last Friday on Smackdown
Johnny Ace wanted Teddy Long to lay down as Aksana looked on in fear. Enter Kane and Randy Orton, and Long pins Ace. We now know where this is headed at ‘Mania.
John Laurinaitis joins the commentary team for our next match…
Mixed Tag Team Match
Aksana & United States champion Santino Marella vs. David Otunga & ???
Santino is confirmed as Teddy Long’s team captain at WrestleMania. If Santino is the captain, what is Long? The manager? The coach? We get highlights from last week’s Santino vs. Jack Swagger matches on RAW & Smackdown, including Friday’s cage match. Otunga is confirmed as Laurinaitis’s team captain. Otunga takes his sweet time as Cole wonders about Otunga’s partner. John Laurinaitis makes it a handicap match, and welcomes Otunga’s partner Mark Henry
Mixed Tag Team Match
Aksana & United States champion Santino Marella vs. David Otunga & Mark Henry
Teddy Long is out after the bell rings. It appears that Aksana is still in the match. Otunga attacks Santino as we focus on Long & Laurinaitis arguing at ringside. Long pushes Ace over the chair as cole calls for a doctor. In the ring, Santino is hitting the trademark on Otunga, and goes for the Cobra as Mark Henry tags in. World’s Strongest Slam ends it.
Winners: David Otunga & Mark Henry in 1:31 via pinfall with the World’s Strongest Slam, no rating yet
Kofi Kingston runs out for thes ave , and he eats a World’s Strongest Slam. R-Truth in, and R-Truth is fed to Otunga for a Spine Buster, followed by a Mark Henry Splash. John Laurinaitis is in to introduce Mark Henry as the newest member of Team Laurinaitis: Mark Henry.
Personal Entertainment Factor: 3/6
So, confirmed, it’s Santino on Long’s side and Otunga and Henry on Ace’s.
We get some highlights of The Miz appearing on Psych after a brief hyping of James Roday as out guest star. We also get comments from The Miz himself, who was excited about the fight scenes and expects an Emmy for his efforts. Roday does a Miz impression. Miz always does a great job in mainstream media appearances.
Cole & King talk about Cena’s comments from earlier, and we get highlights. Then we talk about Rock’s appearance for later in the program.
Did You Know? Maxim rated Miami the #1 party city in America. And WrestleMania is there, so we must promote!
Maria Menounos talks wrestling on Extra!
Maria talks to The Bellas & Alicia Fox, who is more focused on her outfit than wrestling. A Bella points out that Cena is a full time wrestler, while The Rock “takes breaks.”
Zack Ryder asks Eve Torres about their lack of interaction over the week, and Eve suggests they be friends…with benefits. Beth Phoenix interrupts (wearing a prom dress) to remind is that she holds a title, and suggests she and Eve take care of some business. Beth then says she could have Zack, too, and thinks Eve wouldn’t mind. Eve informs Beth that she would, in fact, mind.
John Laurinaitis and The Miz Backstage
The Miz interrupts John Laurinaitis’s cell phone call to ask when he’ll be added to Ace’s team at WrestleMania. He also introduces James Roday to the Interim General Manager, and hypes up his appearance on Psych. Johnny gives The Miz a match for tonight, and if he wins, he’s in at WrestleMania. Johnny makes James Roday a ring announcer for tonight, and Miz wants to know who the opponent is. Turns out it’s the WWE Champion himself, CM Punk.
Tonight…BRODUS CLAY IN DA HOUSE! YES!
(I’m very happy about this development).
Jinder Mahal vs. “The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay
Brodus is back! And decked out in all white. Cole calls him the only man funkier than Cole himself. Cameron and Naomi are both back, as well. Jinder Mahal waits to do the job on the outside. Think Brodus makes it on to Long’s team?
Jinder attacks to start, and gets a good knee in on Brodus. Kinder charges, and eats a headbutt. Brodus with the Exploder-like throw, followed by the splash for three.
Winner: Brodus Clay in 0:29 via pinfall with a big splash, 3/6
I love me some Brodus Clay! Apparently he needed a few weeks off to stick that footprint onto his singlet and change his finisher to a splash.
HBK walks… Up next: the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels in the same ring!
MGK is in the crowd as we listen to his song, one of the ones featured at WrestleMania.
HBK makes his way to the ring, and he’s in super serious mode. Although he does give us “the pose.” No, not that pose, Orton does that one. Shawn’s pose.
Shawn Michaels (and The Undertaker?) take the ring
We’re reminder that Shawn Michaels will be the guest referee for HHH-Taker at WrestleMania, inside that demonic device called Hell in a Cell. WWE.com looks back at HBK’s past as a special guest referee…that is in fact one hell of a past. King calls HBK the greatest of all time, and Cole ignores him.
“In three weeks, Triple H and The Undertaker will be locked inside Hell in a Cell at WrestleMania, and it will truly be…the end of an era.” Shawn says HHH didn’t know about HBK’s announcement last week, and HBK didn’t know that people were calling him a failure behind his back. Triple H called Shawn Michaels a loser last week, saying he’ll do what HBK couldn’t do…end The Undertaker, The Streak, and an Era. Shawn disputes those comments, and says that one person has been absent over the past few weeks. And it’s ol’ baldy himself.
Taker isn’t really hiding the new hairdo now. Faint “Undertaker” chant. HBK references their 20+ years sharing the locker room. They always had respect for one another. He accuses The Undertaker of being human and talking behind his back. ‘Taker asks Shawn what he wants him to say…he’s a failure? A loser? He couldn’t get the job done? Taker tells him to stop and think about the words he’s repeating. Do they belong to The Undertaker or Triple H? We’re getting the “WHAT?!” chants now. ‘Taker references Shawn’s insecurities, and Shawn immediately gets insecure. He tells ‘Taker he’s acting like he has something to prove by practically begging for a rematch with Triple H, despite being 19-0. Shawn says he knows who’s going to win.
“So it is…” – The Undertaker
Whether he wins or loses, he’s prepared to accept the outcome. But he’s not prepared to accept Shawn sticking his ego into it. He calls their two matches (and last year’s vs. HHH) destiny, and April 1 that destiny will happen. It will be the end of an era. But what can’t happen, in ‘Taker’s opinion, is for that outcome to not be pure. And it it isn’t pure? There will be hell to pay.
HBK references ‘Taker’s “destiny” claims, and calls it “irony.” It’s ironic that they guy from whom ‘Taker took a career could end the streak. He could turn The Undertaker into a lower and a failure.
“Isn’t it ironic that I could still be the guy to possibly end the streak?” – Shawn Michaels
The Undertaker says he’ll officially end an era, but the Streak will continue.
“But if you don’t do the right thing, I will officially end…you.” – The Undertaker
Shawn thinks about it all, (eats shoots) and leaves. Triple H is here. Surprise! He stares at the ring from the stage, smirks, gives ‘Taker a long distance crotch chop and leaves.
Personal Entertainment Factor: 4/6
Another great performance for all parties involved. Up next? WWE Champion CM Punk vs. The Miz, with The Miz’s spot on Team Laurinaitis on the line.
A promo video for The Rock takes us out to our next…
Popeye’s Chicken presents the Slam of the Week
It’s not a slam at all, it’s the Chris Jericho pin on CM Punk in last week’s Sheamus/Punk vs. Bryan/Jericho match.
Justin Roberts announces James Roday—YOUR special guest ring announcer! Roday does his best impersonation of Pee Wee Herman impersonating The Rock. He then does his best Jeremy Borash impersonation as well. With a little Will Ferrell thrown in.
“Cleveland’s very own” did get a nice pop, but in a nice touch, they immediately turned it to boos when the music hit. Awesome. (Get it?) I will admit, Roday makes up for his lack of announcing skills with the mildly funny references. A nice shaken iced tea? I’ll take it.
CM Punk vs. WWE Champion CM Punk
Chris Jericho watches on, in full gear, at a monitor in the back as Punk makes his entrance. We lock-up to start, Miz in red and Punk in black. They’re actually both in red & black, but the colors as I listed are primary. 45 seconds in, and we’re out to a commercial.
Four stars thus far!
We’re back at 3:47 as Miz has an abdominal stretch properly locked in. He grapevined the ankle! CM Punk spins out and armdrags Miz over. Reversal exchange ends with a Punk neck breaker. Bulldog out of the coner, and Punk calls for the GTS. Miz “has it well scouted” but CM Punk maintains control. Miz gets two of his own, and it really wakes up the crowd! Miz has Punk in trouble and goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Punk rolls through and locks in the Anaconda Vice. Miz has no choice but to tap.
Winner: CM Punk in 6:14 via tapout with the Anaconda Vice, 3/6
I don’t allow myself half points in the PEF. If I did, it’d be 3.5/6. We’re now talking to Chris Jericho, and I reserve the right to change my rating.
Chris Jericho reveals that Punk is Straight Edge because his father was an alcoholic, and Punk will eventually end up just like him. Punk looks disturbed while watching on the Titan Tron. Is he surprised that Jericho watches old ROH DVDs? He claims that Punk craves alcohol, and it gives him pain—so much pain that he’s addicted to tattoo needles. Jericho says he’ll make Punk drink.
“…you’re gonna hit bottom punk, and when you do, you’re gonna embrace your destiny and you’re gonna drink.”
– Chris Jericho
CM Punk looks dejected as the crowd chants in support. He grabs his title and slowly heads to the back.
Amended Personal Entertainment Factor: 4/6
If you don’t know much about Punk’s ROH history (and 99% of the audience watching doesn’t), then you’re loving this turn in the angle. It’s just like Jericho. Classic “in your face” jab that actually hits home. Good stuff.
Awesome David Otunga vignette… “if you have a Twitter, you have a lawyer in David Otunga.”
Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger
We get highlights of the recent Randy Orton-Kane interactions. I’m guessing that match will be official by Friday Night Smackdown. Swagger shoots to start, and takes Orton down, locking in an armbar. Orton sends Swagger to the outside, and Cole talks about Orton being back to normal. Well, Normal Randy sends Swagger into those “steel” steps! Swagger eats some table, too. Barry’s nephew is in full control as well take a Divas match bathroom break.
We’re back as Swagger steals Orton’s offense. Orton eats a boot to the face, followed by a knee clip that gets two. Swagger goes for the Ankle Lock but Orton blocks it. Swagger changes it up a little, still pressuring the ankle and softening up Randy for the eventual Ankle Lock reapplication. Swagger charges…Swagger Bomb. MISSES! Reversal by Swagger…ANKLE LOCK! Orton counters, but the “damage is done.” Orton battles Swagger in the corner, and both men climb up to the top in suplex position. Orton wins as it’s his Superplex that connects. Randy hears voices as he enters “the zone.” Spinning powerslam. Swagger goes to the apron (why), and eats the rope assisted DDT. Orton slaps the mat…Diamond Cutter!
Winner: Randy Orton in 8:29 via pinfall with the RKO, no rating yet
Orton starts to celebrate as Kane’s pyro hits. The arena is red, and Orton is searching for Kane. Check under the ring, Randy!
Personal Entertainment Factor: 3/6
Another good match, hurt by the long commercial break. Given more time, those two could put on a great match.
That was out main event, as The Rock Concert is next!
Friday night, Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis join Christian for a very special edition of The Peep Show! I expect an instant classic…
Next week in Philly, we’ll have Triple H, The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels present for an End of An Era prediction. And Mark Henry faces John Cena.
The Rock Concert
The Rock enters to a mixed reaction. But still stronger than Cena’s. He also gets the best reaction of the night, which explains why they were largely dead for most of the show. The Rock, obviously, has his guitar with him. I guess I can put the stop watch away, now. He gets more of a face pop when Justin introduces him. Interesting reactions to both Cena & Rock tonight.
“FINALLY…The Rock has come back…the Cleve Land!” – The Rock
The Rock references tonight’s sell out, then calls Cena a sell-out, after calling him Marky Mark. A man who is worth more dough than Rock & Cena combined. Cena is apparently the bastard offspring of Vanilla Ice and a Telle-Tubby. He takes that joke too far, even with a picture for a prop. He gets the cheap pop for saying “Cleveland Rocks.”
Now we’re singing, mostly about how much Cena sucks. I can’t really recap that. Check for it on You Tube. Some nice jabs at Cena, including a menstrual cycle reference and a true story about Cena and Eve…”what you didn’t see on RAW.”
“Grabbin’ on her thigh…tuggin’ on her weave … I guess he didn’t tell her that he’s got a wife!”
That one was good. As was the “check these charts…little Johnny Cena’s got lady parts!”
Rock asks if any grown men were John Cena fans, and a handful of guys respond. He then makes fun of those guys…
“…you’re a walking virgin and you’re 42!”
Now Rock sings a special song for a special lady…
“…getting with the Rock is the bomb…you don’t believe me ask Cena’s mom!”
“Cena’s mom can barely walk…and we’re dancing ‘cause Cleveland Rocks!”
Shouldn’t those be fightin’ words in West Newbury?
The Rock goes into promo mode, before he introduces Team Bring It’s anthem. 18,000 strong, all singing that song. That song? We Will Rock You!
“We Will…We Will…Rock You!” “CENA SUCKS!” The crowd gets it by the third time. Camera angle shows that The Rock has the words on the Titan Tron. Not sure if that was for the crowd or if it was just for The Rock.
Personal Entertainment Factor: 4/6.
Credit: Tony Acero