WWE RAW Results (4/1) – HBK Returns, ‘Taker/Punk, More!

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Event: WWE Monday Night RAW

Airdate: Monday, April 1st, 2013 (USA Network)

Location: The Verizon Center in Washington, DC

Results by Ken Hill

“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”

The preview doesn’t cut any corners, as every big-time superstar from HBK to Taker to Cena is in the house tonight, and emotions, attitudes, and everything else is coming to a boil.

JBL, Cole and Lawler announcing the last Raw before Mania tonight.

Cena’s music hits and he gets his usual mixed reaction. He stands in a house divided in the middle of our Nation’s Capital, full of “Cena-crats” and “Rock-publicans.” Cena says it’s no secret he and The Rock don’t like each other. Cena says he respects The Rock for the global star he is and says he’s worthy of being called WWE Champion. Cena says the childish games are over this year because it’s much bigger – Rock is the defending WWE Champion. Cena says you name it, Rock has conquered it. Cena says tonight, he won’t waste his breath talking about Dwayne’s Johnson. The crowd boos. Cena says he believes Rock is the greatest WWE Champion of all time. Cena says The Great One will fall and the crowd boos even more.

Cena says Rock’s time is up and his time is now. More boos. Cena says at WrestleMania, the WWE Universe will… the crowd interrupts with “Cena sucks” chants. Cena goes on and says the WWE Universe may see a moment they didn’t think was possible. Cena goes on about dealing with the loss from last year and having to watch Rock debut his own title belt. Cena says the mighty Rock will experience failure at WrestleMania. Cena says he has no intentions of replacing the new title belt. He wants to hold it as a symbol… a big “boring” chant breaks out and Cena stops, almost bemused by the chants. As a symbol that he’s not only Rock’s equal, but he’s better. Cena yells that the champ is here, drops the mic with a seemingly knowing smile and the crowd boos some more.

Cole and Lawler shill the Tout app for the Rock/Cena match and film Lawler’s prediction, where he says history will repeat with the Rock winning once again.

Big Show, Randy Orton and Sheamus are WALKING as they are in 6-man tag action, NEXT!

~Commercial Break

Sheamus, Randy Orton & The Big Show vs. 3MB

Orton starts out with Heath Slater. Orton reverses a whip. Slater floats over, but gets an Orotn clothesline for his effort. Sheamus with the tag and a vaulting shoulder block. Whip by Slater reversed, but Heath kicks Sheamus and tags out to McIntyre, who doesn’t fare much better agaisnt Sheamus. He’s backed into a corner. Slater distracts, and McIntyre gets a running dropkick on the Irishman. He puts the boots to Sheamus. Mahal tags in and tries to contain Sheamus, but he fights out with the Irish Curse backbreaker. Show gets the hot tag and lays waste to 3MB. McIntyre and Slater get caught in a double goozle. Show throws Slater to be eaten up by a RKO and McIntyre gets the Brogue Kick. Mahal? BOOM! KO Punch! Three count!

Winners: Show, Orton & Sheamus

Time: 3:15

As the unlikely trio celebrates, the SHIELD’s music hits, and they square up and get ready to face the “Hounds of Justice,” who make their way through the crowd before stopping halfway on the stairs. Ambrose on the mic, and he gives Orton and company a sarcastic congratulations on their match, telling them to do their little song and dance now, because the SHIELD will leave them on their backs at Mania, wondering where everything went wrong. Rollins mentions how funny it is that they believe, as they’ve gotten all of the foolhardy people to believe, that they can function as a group. Reigns says everyone in the world will believe in the SHIELD come WrestleMania, and the group take their leave.

Coming up later, Shawn Michales speaks on Triple H’s career being on the line in 6 days, and Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter have words for us from the streets of our Nation’s Capital.

~Commercial Break~

Back from the break and we see footage of Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter out in Washington, DC earlier today. Colter mentions how, like Ricardo’s ankle, the people of our nation are broken, but there is one man who can fix it, Jack Swagger. Swagger talks about winning the World Heavyweight Title from Alberto Del Rio. Swagger welcomes us to his America.

“El Beardo Magnifico” Daniel Bryan comes out with his tag team champion partner Kane, as Bryan’s in singles action NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

Tag Team Champion Daniel Bryan w/Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler w/AJ Lee & Big E. Langston

Ziggler and Bryan lock up to start the match. Ziggler works on Bryan’s arm and they trade holds. Bryan catapults Ziggler into the corner and hits him with kicks to the chest. Bryan backs Ziggler into the corner with kicks. Ziggler looks to make a comeback but Bryan clotheslines him. Bryan goes for the No Lock but Ziggler breaks it. Bryan with more kicks. Bryan goes for a submission and works on the leg. Big time “AJ’S CRAZY!” chants by the D.C. crowd, methinks she don’t like that too much. Ziggler turns it around with a neckbreaker. Ziggler dropkicks Bryan in the back and covers for 2.

Bryan counters in the corner and ties Ziggler up in the ropes. Bryan breaks it and comes face to face with Big E on the floor. Bryan comes back in and Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser for a 2 count.

We go to commercial…

Ziggler with the signature headstand headlock as we are back from break. Bryan fights out of a sleeper hold, snapmares Ziggler out and gets a boot up. Ziggler runs headlong into the turnbuckle. Ziggler gets drilled with kicks, but dodges the Buzzaw. He goes for the Zig Zag, but Bryan hangs on the ropes and NAILS the Buzzsaw kick! He goes up top, but the “Flying Goat” headbutt goes baaad for Bryan. Ziggler locks in the sleeper hold, but Bryan counters into one of his own! Ziggler fights out, tries to roll Bryan up, but he bridges out rather nicely! They stalemate on the backslide, and both men come off the ropes with a rib-cracking cross body!

AJ starts to skip around Kane in her typical nutty fashion, which sets the Big Red Machine to get DROPPED by Big E. Bryan dropkicks Langston, only to get rolled by Ziggler, tights included, for the three!

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Time: 11:00

Post-match, Langston lays out Bryan with the Big Ending. Kane comes in to defend Bryan, dropping Dolph with an uppercut. He goozles Langston, who just powers out, and takes him up for the Big Ending. AJ brings the belts in, and Dolph and Langston stand tall with championships in hand.

Later to come, Undertaker plans to eviscerate CM Punk (yikes) and Shawn Michales speaks on the Lesnar/HHH rematch next!

~Commercial Break~

We flashback to HBK getting his arm broken by Lesnar before the match with Triple H at SummerSlam 2012.

“Mr. WrestleMania” himself Shawn Michaels is out, cowboy hat, 5 O’Clock shadow, and all. He jokes about how we can’t have WrestleMania without the man himself. He highlights the other matches, but says we knows which match he has his eye on, Lesnar versus his best friend Triple H. He knows the history, he has the broken arm as proof, and he has his doubts…Triple H’s music hits with those words as “The Game” makes his way down.

Triple H tells Shawn not to go too far with this. They already talked about this and Shawn’s not going to change his mind. Michaels says he doesn’t think Triple H knows what he’s doing. The situations couldn’t be more different. When Michaels’ career was on the line he was looking across the ring at someone he has respect for. But Triple H has no respect for Triple H, the fans, or the WWE. Lesnar does this for the money. Michaels says he didn’t care about this job as much as Triple H does and he’s put his life into this. Triple H says Michaels is not going to try and talk him out of it. Michaels says at Wrestlemania, Triple H better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass and he’s going to be in Triple H’s corner to watch him do it.

Lesnar comes out. Heyman says whether they like it or not, Lesnar is going to beat Triple H into retirement and Triple H is going to have to learn to live with the disappointment. He’s going to disappoint a lot of people. Heyman says Lesnar is paid to fight. Heyman says Lesnar picked the fight but Triple H answered the call and says he should have walked away and when Lesnar is done with him he’ll have to crawl away after Lesnar beats him and says this is the same Brock Lesnar who after all these years caused the cerebral assassin to commit professional suicide.

~Commercial Break~

The Miz on commentary, and his match for the IC Title with Wade Barrett will be on the Mania pre-show on Sunday.

Non-Title Match: IC Champion Wade Barrett vs. Zack Ryder

Barrett with forearms to Ryder’s back and a suplex. Ryder comes back with a knock down and sends Barrett to the outside. Ryder with a basement dropkick to Barrett. He rolls Wade back and heads up top, but Barrett trips him up. Barrett with a high knee to the gut and a 2 count. Barrett keeps control and has words with Miz on the floor. Barrett comes back in and Ryder makes a comeback. Ryder nails the Broski Boot for a 2 count. Barrett turns it around and nails the Bull Hammer for the win.

Winner: Wade Barrett

Time: 3:50

Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero are backstage when Santino Marella walks in. DA COBRA’S BACK! He says he just saw Vince McMahon storm out of the building to his limousine. Santino says he was yelling, upset about Vickie and Brad. Santino says Vince usually fires people when he’s mad. “Brickie” seems worried, but Santino comes back in and tells them it was an April Fools’ joke. Vickie tells Santino to get in the ring because he has a match up next. Whoops.

~Commercial Break~

Santino’s power walking…and he’s gonna have to power walk right out of D.C. as Mark Henry’s music hits.

Mark Henry vs. Santino Marella

Santino peppers Henry with a few weal kicks. Henry catches him by the singlet, Santino “warns” Henry of the Cobra, but Mark just lays him out and hits the World’s Strongest Slam for three.

Winner: Mark Henry

Time: 0:52

Ryback comes out, steaming mad from Henry’s weight bar assault last Friday. Henry begs him off, admitting he wants to get his hands on Ryback as much as Ryback wants to lay him out, but he’ll have to wait 6 days. He smirks and goes to leave, but Ryback assaults him bodily…with Santino’s body! He says he never touched Henry and in a funny moment, asks Santino if he’s alright before military pressing him onto Henry! Loud “FEED! ME! MORE!” chants ring through the crowd as Henry fumes on the outside.

Jack Swagger peps Colter up for his “match” against Alberto Del Rio NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

Vinnie Mac’s on TWITTAH! The TRUE Grumpy Vince is now online!

Matt Striker backstage with CM Punk, urn in hand. Striker questions Punk if he feels like he’s gone too far with the disrespect shown to Undertaker and the late Paul Bearer. Punk says the better question is if he even cares about the disrespect he’s shown. He’s concerned with breaking the streak, Taker was concerned with seeing that Bearer woke up every morning, but that streak’s broken. Wow. Punk goes on to say that while Undertaker will be focused on scarring Punk’s soul and breaking his bones. Punk is only concerned with winning and if Undertaker gets counted out or is tapped out or DQ’ed, Punk still wins, and at the end of this year’s WrestleMania, whenever anyone things about the Grandest Stage of Them All, they’ll think about CM Punk.

Swagger and Colter out next, as Zeb’s in his first match in WWE. Methinks shenanigans are abound in this “match”, which is NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

Non-Title Match: World Champion ALberto Del Rio vs. Zeb Colter w/Jack Swagger

Here comes Ricardo Rodriguez on crutches. He introduces the World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio. Ricardo comes back down to ringside after Del Rio told him not to earlier. The bell rings and here we go. Del Rio taunts Zeb. Zeb swings and doesn’t come close. Swagger stalks Ricardo at ringside. Zeb grabs Ricardo’s crutch and threatens Del Rio with it. Swagger drops Ricardo on the floor. Del Rio kicks Swagger through the ropes. Del Rio comes back in and Zeb attacks him with the crutch for the DQ.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio (DQ)

Time: 0:38

After the bell, Del Rio grabs the crutch and takes it from Zeb before he can deliver a shot. Swagger attacks from behind and takes Del Rio’s knee out. Swagger beats Del Rio with the crutch. Zeb also gets some shots in as they take turns. Swagger yells “WE THE PEOPLE” at Del Rio while Zeb continues with the crutch shots. Officials check on Del Rio as he tries to get up and we see the crutch marks on his back.

The WWE Champion The Rock speaks his mind on WrestleMania, NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

IF YOU SMELLLL…The Rock makes his way out to a great ovation from the D.C. crowd, and takes it all in, as we hear from Cole about how “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” top the box offices worldwide.

Connection. Rock’s connection with the People is the only reason he is standing in the ring right now. He tells Cena that this Sunday, it’s not about redemption, but about the will of the People. The will of the people is not for Cena’s redemption, but for the Rock to take his Size 15 and curb-stomp Cena’s monkey ass at WrestleMania. “Rocky” chants ring loud. The will of the People is bigger than anything Cena can imagine. If possible, the people could will Rocky right into the White House, we could go from Barack to The Rock. He asks if he can count on the people’s vote, and they respond with a loud “Yes!” He promises that at his inauguration, his speech will start with the immortal “FINALLY…THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO WASHINGTON D.C.!”

Rock mentions how Cena came out and said the same things he said last year. What happened last year? Cena got Rock Bottomed. It doesn’t change this year. There’s no redemption, and no torch will be passed. Rock will take that torch, roll it up into a big fireball, Duraflame that sumbitch and stick it straight up Cena’s candy-ass. Cena looks for redemption, but the Rock has already found what’s he come for, and Cena’s time won’t be now, it’s never. Cena will fall to the Rock and the Millions…AND MILLIONS…of the Rock’s fans and he won’t be able to deny the will of the People, and he won’t beat the Rock. IF YOU SMELLLL…classic People’s Eyebrow…WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

Chris Jericho face FAN…DAN…GO in six days, but Jericho is WALKING and is in action…NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

The “Just For Men” flashback shows Fandango ambushing Jericho following the ambush by Big E. Langston last Friday on SmackDown.

Non-Title Match: US Champion Antonio Cesaro vs. Chris Jericho

Cesaro gets the jobber entrance. SHOCKER!

Lock-up in the center of the ring. Cesaro back Jericho up and slaps him. Jericho with the headlock takeover. Cesaro fights out and gets a headlock of his own, and really cinches it in. Cesaro with a shoulder block for a quick two count. Jericho with chops, ANtonio catches him and drives him into the corner. Jericho comes back with a dropkick and some more knife-edge chops in the corner. Big suplex by Jericho and a kick gets a two count. Cesaro takes him down and locks in a modified sleeper. Jericho fights out and tosses Cesaro to the apron. Cesaro with a STIFF headbutt to Jericho’s eye. Cesaro up top, but Jericho crotches him on the ropes, heads up to hit a few rights, and hits a nice Frankensteiner for a near fall. Suddenly, Fandango’s music hits (You think Jericho would see the stage being set up and expect this) and he and his dancing diva come out. Jericho watches in disbelief as we go to a mid-match break…

Back from commercial, Cesaro has Jericho in a neck vice. We see during the break that Jericho only got a “2” from Fandango for the dropkick. I give Fandango a “0” on the I-Give-A-Rat’s-Ass meter. Cesaro mushroom stomps Jericho for another near fall. Jericho to the outside and Cesaro throws him into the barricade. Neck lock by Cesaro. Cesaro with a Magnum Driver to Jericho for a near fall. Yodeling uppercut by Cesaro gets another near fall. Shoulder tackles by Jericho as he fires back up. Jericho off the top rope with a double axehandle. Running bulldog by Jericho. Jericho with the Lionsault, but that gets a 3, A LOUSY THREE! Jericho locks the Walls in but Cesaro counters nicely into the gutwrench for a near fall. Cross body off the ropes by Jericho, which only gets a 4. Baseball slide takes out Fandango and the score cards go a flyin’. Cesaro with a small package on Jericho. Jericho back to the Walls and cinches in the Liontamer for the tap out.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Time: 12:46

Post-match, Fandango beats down Jericho and assaults him. “You Can’t Wrestle” chants ringing rather loudly in the D.C. crowd as Fandango drops a pair of top-rope leg drops to Jericho and reminds him what his name is.

Still to come, Taker plans to VERBALLY eviscerate CM Punk. Glad someone finally informed Cole about his little flub earlier. Just another drop in the near-full bucket, Cole…

~Commercial Break~

We hear from some nutty fans on TOUT! about their thoughts on the Rock-Cena match. Doesn’t this just reinforce the stereotype about how we wrestling fans are seen as absolute dorks?

The Funkadactyls, along with “Tons of Funk”, make their entrance and dance all the way to the ring, as Divas Tag action is NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

The Funkadactyls w/Tons of Funk vs. The Bella Twins w/ The Rhodes Scholars

Naomi starts things out with one of the Bellas. They lock up and Naomi hits a dropkick. Naomi with a butt bump, i.e. “The Rear View”, and a head scissors take down. Naomi gets dropped over the top rope and The Bellas turn it around in their corner. Naomi fights to her feet but the other Bella tags in and throw her face first into the turnbuckles. Brie comes in now and keeps control of Naomi. Brie with a 2 count. Naomi tries to fight back but gets slammed to the mat. Another 2 count.

Brie works on the arm of Naomi now. Cameron finally gets the tag and goes at it with Brie Bella. Cameron with a head scissors and a split leg drop. Cameron with a DDT for 2 as Nikki breaks it up. There’s chaos at ringside with Tons of Funk and the Scholars. Cameron hits a cross body but Nikki reverses the pin with a handful of tights for the win.

Winners: The Bella Twins

Time: 4:46

Up the next, Punk’s verbal eradication comes at the hands of the Undertaker is…NEXT!

~Commercial Break~

DONG! Taker’s music hits and the crowd pops big as the Phenom makes his way to the ring. We flashback to last week, where Punk mocked Taker’s tributary pose before Taker would catch him of guard and lay into him with them big ol’ soupbones.

Taker brings up Punk’s over-400 day reign, but says the pain he brings Punk will last for an eternity. Punk made this personal, and he will suffer for it. Winning at Mania is no longer good enough. The disrespect shown to Paul Bearer will have Punk paying the ultimate price. The Streak…may come to an end, but Punk will not live to talk about it.

Suddenly, the ominous Latin chanting normally associated with Taker plays, and out come the druids with torches in hand. Taker looks on as the chanting continues, and the crowd’s in a hushed silence…OHHHH YESSSS! And Heyman’s out in “Paul Bearer” drag…oh, he’s dead, Jim. Taker marches up the ramp in a rage, but freezes when the druids surround him. He attacks one, but it’s not who he thinks, as Punk assaults him from behind with punches and kicks, then beats him bodily with the urn. He continues the assault, laying into Taker with the urn, and then does the unthinkable: He unscrews the urn and POURS THE ASHES ON UNDERTAKER. Punk throws the ashes in Taker’s face, and then even rubs them on his body and face. He goes into the tributary pose over a prone Undertaker as we fade to black.

End show.

Credit: Ken Hill

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