Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, May 6th, 2013 (USA Network)
Location: The Roanoke Civic Center in Roanoke, VA
Results by Ken Hill & The 411 Report
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
Last week is highlighted with Ryback walking out on Cena and Team Hell No, or so we thought. Paul Heyman and Brock Lesanr also took a little “tour” of WWE HQ and plan on showing us footage of their “corporate invasion.”
Cena comes out to kick things off, and a big pop for the WWE Champ as he charges down to the ring. He says there is unrest in the WWE Universe, questions to be answered. He decides to bank on the ancient knowledge of Daniel Bryan. YES, it wasn’t smart of him to wrestle on a bad ankle. NO, it’s not going to stop him from wrestling Ryback at Extreme Rules. Then, he goes on into some spiel about him and Betty White, “DTF” (Doing the Fandango) and doing something by himself when no one watches (Way to stay PG, John).
As he goes into his “DA CHAMP IS HERE”, Vickie interrupts as only she can. She reminds us of the matches already made for 2 weeks from now. She says it would only be fair if both champion and challenger were present to make the stipulation for the WWE Championship match.
Ryback is out. He and Cena stare each other down, and Cena is given the option of deciding the stip first. Cena says he doesn’t really care. He jokes about “Vickie’s granny panties on a pole” or a “Whine-Off” (Sounds WAY less thrilling than a Hug-It-Out stip). He mocks Ryback’s heavy breathing and dates himself with a “Fried Green Tomatoes” reference.
Ryback remarks how Cena can barely take a step without hurting, and finds it ironic that his Achilles’ heel is LITERALLY his Achilles’ heel. He decides on a match where Ryback rules and Cena literally won’t be able to stand for a 10 count: Last Man Standing. That wiped the determined grimace right off Cena’s face.
We see a little more footage of Heyman and Lesnar at WWE HQ in Stanford, CT.
Orton is WALKING as he looks for revenge on Damien Sandow NEXT!
The stipulation for the WWE Title match is recapped, and we see footage from last Friday of Big Show distracting Orton while Sandow ambushed The Viper with the Terminus.
With Randy waiting in the ring, Sandow makes his entrance. He decides to sing a song for Randy based of the Viper’s own entrance theme, with his own personal lyrics mocking Randy’s tatoos, lack of facial expression and so on. The crowd actually approves!
Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow
Orton attacks Sandow and unloads, taking it to the floor. Sandow tries to regroup but Orton levels him with a clothesline and backdrops him onto the fan barrier. Orton brings it back in the ring for a DDT off the apron, but Sandow goes back out driving Orton into the barricade, and he retreats into the ring. Orton follows and they brawl some more. Orton brings it back in the ring and keeps control. Orton with a series of right hands in the corner. Orton keeps control and poses for the fans. Sandow takes advantage and turns things around. Orton fights back and nails a suplex, and we go to commercial
Sandow has assumed control, hits the Russian leg sweep and follows up with the Cubito Aequet for a near fall. Orton makes his comeback shortly after, hitting his clotheslines and the snap powerslam. Sandow gets an elbow on Orton coming to the corner and goes up top, but Orton drops him coming down with a dropkick. He hits his VINTAGE hangman DDT and the RKO polishes off Sandow for 3.
Winner: Randy Orton
As the announcers gush over Randy’s win, we pan up to the stage, where Big Show stands over a knocked-out Orton. Replays show he ambushed Orton at the entrance way with a big KO punch. Official tend to the downed Viper.
ALBERTOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOO and World Champion Show-off Dolph Ziggler face off one-on-one, and Fandango is in action next…with cheesy dance music in tow!
RAW…IS…JERRRRICHO! Y2J and his sparkly jacket are here to entertain, starting with a long line of messed up names for Fandango before saying he’ll be scoring the man’s match with true dancers…Tons of Funk! Because when we think of excellent dancers, we think “Sweet T” and “Funkasaurus.”
Fandango makes his entrance to a decent pop, with the titantron playing his music in a “sing-a-long” type format for easier Fandango-ing. He gets a measly 5 for his entrance. Charlatans.
R-Truth vs. Fandango
Fandango jumps Truth as he starts and dances a bit before putting on a cravate. Truth comes back with the front suplex and ax kick to send Fandango to the floor. Some splits from R-Truth combine for a score of 62/30. Supposed to be 30/30, but Brodus botched holding up a 10, I guess. Fandango walks out of the match…uh, okay.
Winner: R-Truth (Countout)
We look back at Smackdown with Bryan losing to Ryback and then being attacked by Shield later in the night.
Bryan says he’s fine physically. Make that fine period. He talks about how Shield is supposedly all about justice, but no one believes them. He’s going to prove what justice is all about, which means he’s going to challenge Ryback to a rematch. Ryback pops up immediately and says no to the challenge to “spare” Bryan, saying he’s not even half a man if he were 100%. Kane pops up, asks if he’s only half a man and says Ryback can fight him if he wants and I think the challenge is accepted.
Ricardo is out, ruins his vocal cords some more in announcing Del Rio, and after the break, it’s the former World Champ versus the man who cashed in on him, the Show-Off!
As Ziggler and his entourage make their entrance, we see highlights of last Friday, where Del Rio made the World Champion tap out…not like that should be a big deal or anything given how Ziggler’s been been the top man on the totem pole in this triple threat debacle.
Non-Title Match: World Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Big E. Langston & AJ Lee vs. Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez
Side headlock takedown by Del Rio. Ziggler back to his feet. Irish whip and shoulderblock by Del Rio. Hiptoss by Del Rio. Dropkick by Ziggler. Clothesline in the corner by Ziggler. Kick to the arm by Del Rio. Suplex blocked by Ziggler. Ziggler delivers one of his own. Punches to the kidneys by Del Rio and the backstabber. Swagger and Colter then come out to ringside.
Back with Ziggler holding a chinlock, but Del Rio fighting up into a sunset flip for two. Dolph hits a dropkick for two of his own before dropping a bunch of elbows. Off to a rear naked choke by Ziggler but Alberto escapes and launches the champion into the air. Del Rio misses the running kick to the head in the corner but lands on Dolph, seeming to injure the champ’s head in the process.
Ziggler goes up for something and Del Rio looks like he tries the running enziguri again, only to hit a running fist instead. A reverse superplex to Ziggler puts both guys down and a hard kick to Ziggler’s face get a close near fall. The cross arm breaker goes on but an AJ distraction lets Langston break up the hold. He tosses Del Rio into Swagger, but the refs spots this and DQs Ziggler.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio (DQ)
Post-match, Swagger destroys everyone, ramming Langston into a post, driving a ladder into Ricardo into the barricade, and smacking both Del Rio and Ziggler upside the head with said ladder. Colter applauds him and the two men stand tall in the ring.
We’re reminded that the Last Man Standing match between Cena and Ryback is a-go. Ryback takes on Kane later tonight.
More still photos of Lesnar and Heyman’s WWE “office invasion”, the full story still to come.
We see footage of WWE making some new multimedia deal with Yahoo!
Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls are backstage, discussing her admirer/stalker, and the dancers warn her to watch out for this guy, who texts her and claims to understand her and quotes Ralph Wiggum with “Choo-choo-choose me.” Ah, back when the Simpsons were funny and the Treehouse of Horror specials were actually scary. Nattie suggest Khali go undercover to snoop this guy out…uh, *snicker* what? As they leave, the Bellas emerge from behind a curtain with oh so devilish smiles…damn that’s hot.
The Shield’s music hits and the mood changes as the Hounds of Justice make their way through the crowd for six-man tag action NEXT!
The Shield vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston & The Usos
Ambrose starts out with one of the Usos. Usos take control a bit and in comes Rollins. Rollins tags in Reigns and they keep Uso down in their corner. Ambrose comes in for some double teaming with Rollins. 2 count on Uso. Rollins with a submission now.
Uso trades rights with Ambrose but Reigns comes back in. More double teaming and quick tags by The Shield. Rollins taunts one of the Usos and slaps him. Uso catches Rollins with a huge Samoan Drop out of nowhere. Ambrose and Kofi tag in at the same time. Kofi unloads off the top rope and hits a crossbody. Ambrose ducks a right hand but misses a clothesline. Kofi kicks Reigns off the apron and drops Ambrose. Kofi hits the Boom Drop. Ambrose dodges a splash but gets kicked in the head. Kofi kicks Rollins away off the apron. Kofi nails a crossbody on Ambrose for 2. Uso takes out Reigns and sends him into the fan barrier. Reigns comes right back with a huge clothesline on the floor. Kofi goes up top but Ambrose cuts him off. Kofi knocks Ambrose to the mat. Rollins pushes Kofi off the top while Reigns distracts the referee. Ambrose lays Kofi out with a Bulldog Driver for the win.
Winners: The Shield
Ambrose eyes the US Championship. Foreshadowing of another title match at Extreme Rules perhaps?
We get more tweets about Lesnar’s “visit” to WWE HQ, including a photo of Triple H’s destroyed office.
Antonio Cesaro makes his way down to the ring for action, with a new ring jacket and snazzy beret. We see highlights of his US Title rematch with Kofi last Wednesday and the subsequent beatdown of Kingston after losing, even pulling out one of Kofi’s dreads. Yeesh.
Antonio Cesaro vs. Zack Ryder
No yodeling, good sign. Cesaro controls the match to start. Ryder hits a missile dropkick from the ropes and charges but Cesaro drops him with a big uppercut in mid-air. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer for the easy win.
Winner: Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro speaks after the match and asks if that’s all the competition they have for him. Cesaro says he puts the “W” in WWE. Cesaro says there’s nobody in WWE, on NXT, on Saturday Morning Slam, on Superstars, SmackDown, Main Event or RAW that can hold a candle to what he does in the ring. Cesaro drops the mic and walks away. Well guys, Cesaro’s getting pushed. What say you now, IWC?
Heyman’s getting miked up and we hear from him on his and Brock’s friendly visit to WWE World Headquarters next…
Here’s Heyman via satellite to show us the footage he shot of Lesnar at WWE HQ this morning. They go inside and see a Sheamus poster and some Andre the Giant stuff (“He’s been dead for 150 years!”) which doesn’t impress Heyman. Heyman and Lesnar go to the fourth floor (executive offices of course, complete with the full elevator ride and Heyman whistling the Fandango theme, hehe) and get annoyed at all the poster of WWE Superstars with none of Lesnar in sight. Heyman: “Does anyone work here on Mondays?” They go into HHH’s office (Heyman to the secretary: “You’re not Stephanie. You’re much prettier.”) and assault some assistants.
Lesnar puts the replica World Heavyweight Title on his shoulder and puts his feet on HHH’s computer. Now he breaks the computer in half with his bare hands as this just keeps going. Lesnar takes the sledgehammer off the wall and destroys the desk and some chairs. Lamps are smashed and down goes a TV. This has been going on for like ten minutes now. Heyman leaves a business card and that’s about it.
Heyman said he used to hold Lesnar back, but after HHH pedigreed Heyman, Paul is encouraging Lesnar to destroy and maim HHH, take him to the extreme, and further and further and further…
HHH out. Thank god, otherwise Heyman may have gone on til the end of the show. Heyman looks on from the big screen. HHH comes out and jokes on Heyman’s hair. Triple H says he knows extreme and brings up DX. Triple H says Heyman and Lesnar knew he wouldn’t be at WWE HQ on a Monday because he’s always at RAW. Heyman tries to speak and HHH tells him to shut up. HHH says he has 2 offices – the one they destroyed and the one he’s standing in right now. HHH says he became a man here, something Lesnar never did become. HHH says Lesnar can say whatever he has to say in his face. Triple H says he’s not hard to find and the fans chant his name. HHH says in this office, we fight back. His music hits and that’s it for the segment. A bit flat without a Lesnar sighting.
Ryback versus Kane still to come.
As CR-AJ and The Bellas make their entrance, we get another preview of “Total Divas” on E! Kaitlyn and The Funkadactyls out for 6-diva tag action and the crowd is THRILLED! (*cue dull Johnny Bravo crowd* Yay)
Divas Champion Kaitlyn & The Funkadactyls vs. AJ Lee & The Bellas
AJ isolates Cameron more or less for the duration of the match, taunting Kaitlyn and blowing her kisses (lucky girl). Cameron escapes and…misses the tag…oh, now she makes the tag to Kaitlyn. AJ’s scared shitless, but slaps Kaitlyn anyway. Not a good idea. The Bellas think the same way and ditch AJ, who gets speared for the 3.
Winners: Kaitlyn & The Funkadactyls
Mark Henry is STOMPING his way to the ring as he has a message for the Celtic Warrior…NEXT.
Diddy promotes the Be A Star anti-bullying campaign.
We go to the ring and out comes Mark Henry. Henry says Sheamus acts when he comes out. Henry doesn’t have to act tough because he is tough. Henry gets the crowd to chant “WHAT?” and he calls them puppets. We see footage from SmackDown where Henry attacked Sheamus from behind.
Henry goes on talking about Sheamus and the Hall of Pain until the music hits and here comes Sheamus to the ring. They have words and talk about Extreme Rules. Henry says they can fight right now and don’t have to wait. Before they can fight, Wade Barrett’s music hits and out comes the Intercontinental Champion for a match that was already signed against Sheamus. Henry can be sooo forgetful sometimes.
Non-Title Match: IC Champion Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus
Henry is on commentary while the match is underway. Henry says Cole is ate up with stupid and tells him to be quiet. We need more Henry behind the announce table. Sheamus with forearm shots on Barrett from the apron. Sheamus knocks Barrett off the apron into the announcers table. Sheamus teases that he’s going to throw Barrett into Henry. Henry gets upset but Sheamus drops him with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus comes back in off the top on Barrett with a battering ram for a 2 count. Barrett blocks a hold and rolls Sheamus up for 2. Barrett with Winds of Change for a 2 count.
More back and forth. Barrett ducks a Brogue and kicks Sheamus in the gut. Barrett with a big mule kick shot to the jaw for another 2 count. Barrett goes for the Bullhammer Elbow but Sheamus counters with White Noise. Sheamus nails a Brogue Kick for the win.
Right after the bell, Henry waffles Sheamus and goes to town on him with a belt he stole from one of the EMTs. He throws him to the outside, whips him some more and drives him into the floor with the World’s Strongest Slam. “MAKE A JOKE NOW!”
We see some of the brutal marks left from Henry whipping Sheamus on the Irishman’s back. Yikes.
We get a Tale of the Tape between the two “Monstrous” superstars in Kane and Ryback. Their first-time match-up is NEXT!
Ryback piefaces Kane. Kane unloads on Ryback, but Ryback shoves him off and gets shoulder blocked for a two count. Kane with a big scoop slam for another 2 count. Kane clotheslined to the outside, but he lands on his feet and pulls Ryback outside. Ryback turns it around, however, and sends Kane into the barricade as we take our last commercial break.
Ryback covers Kane for a 2 count. Another slam and a splash gets 2 for Ryback. Front headlock by Ryback. Kane reverses a whip, but Ryback gets an elbow up and Thesz presses Kane, slamming his head into the mat. Kane fires back with a big boot. Kane goozles Ryback, but he just rips Kane’s hand off his throat and shoves him off, but Kane hits a big DDT. Kane with the corner clothesline but Ryback shoves him off and Kane gets spine-busted. Kane blocks the Shell-Shocked with a suplex for 2. Kane up top for the clothesline, but Ryback trips him up and grabs him from the top rope, hitting the Shell-Shocked for the big 3 count.
The Shield’s music hits and Bryan hits the ring while Ryback seemingly bails. Cena’s music hits and he runs down to the ring (again, NOT selling the Achilles injury) to back up Bryan. They’re outnumbered and the Shield attacks, but Ryback comes in swinging with a steel chair. As Bryan takes out Rollins and Reigns…Ryback rams the chair into Cena as he’s about to AA Ambrose! Big chair shot to Cena and Ryback screams “RYBACK RULES!”
Credit: Ken Hill