Let’s talk about the newly-crowned undisputed WWE Tag Team Champions, The Usos. I acknowledge and respect the legacy of their family, but I’m sorry, I do not enjoy The Usos. Like, for real, not at all. Jimmy and Jey are a snooze fest. The twins are overrated cheeseballs. It was no shocker to me when The Usos beat RK-Bro to unify the WWE Tag Titles. After the win, the WWE camera crew captured footage of kids and grown men crying, which was pretty hilarious. I did enjoy the crying, but I did not enjoy The Usos.
The Bloodline storyline has just gone on for way too long. I have acknowledged Roman Reigns way too many times. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve acknowledged Roman I’d be able to afford the insane gas prices. I’m looking forward to Randy Orton ending Roman Reign’s streak at SummerSlam. At least that’s my bold prediction, fingers crossed.
Paul Heyman Knows Better
Now that Jimmy and Jey are undisputed, Paul Heyman is running his mouth about how The Usos are the “greatest tag team” in the history of tag team wrestling. That’s not even close to being true, and he knows it. Paul Heyman lied to me, he lied to you, and I don’t like being lied to by anyone except for my girlfriend.
Heyman has been in wrestling forever, since 1987 actually. Paul E. Dangerously, AKA Paul Heyman, managed one of the greatest tag teams to ever walk the face of the earth, The Midnight Express. So, the man knows tag team wrestling, and he knows deep down inside that The Usos aren’t on that GOAT level. Although I would give them this, they are close.
Well, I think I’ve wasted enough time babbling. So, without further ado, in my highly qualified professional opinion, here are 5 classic Tag Teams that would absolutely destroy The Usos.
The Road Warriors
When Hawk and Animal were on their way to the ring you just knew violence was about to go down. The Usos vs The Road Warriors would end like an episode of MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch. Jimmy and Jey would be splattered all over the ring. Hawk and Animal were vicious beasts. In my opinion, The Road Warriors are the greatest tag team of all time. Do you hear that Paul Heyman? The Road Warriors are the GOAT, not The Usos.
They don’t make wrestlers like The Road Warriors anymore. If you were to look up the definition of “real man” in the dictionary before the internet, you would find a picture of The Road Warriors. Hawk and Animal weren’t just awesome in the ring, they were great on the mic as well. When Hawk and Animal looked into the camera and spoke, it was bone chilling. You believed every word coming out of their mouths, and you really believed that someone was about to get hurt. Jimmy and Jey can barely even deliver a decent promo much less talk their way out of a DUI.
The Blade Runners
The Blade Runners were Steve Borden and Jim Hellwig. You might know them as Sting and The Ultimate Warrior. The Blade Runners were scary as hell. They looked like a super jacked black metal band before black metal even really existed. These guys would have sent The Usos home crying like little girls.
I can see it now, Jimmy and Jey getting crushed with clothesline after clothesline, body slam after body slam. The Blade Runners would play with The Usos like rag dolls. No contest, not even close.
The Powers Of Pain
The team of Barbarian and The Warlord were basically a “second rate” version of The Road Warriors, whom they did feud with at one point. They held tag titles in APWA and NWA but never held the WWF tag titles. These dudes were intimidating in appearance and power houses in the ring. I’d be scared of anyone who is willing to look so ridiculous. The Usos would probably take one look at The Powers of Pain and try to hide behind Roman Reigns. I can’t see Jimmy or Jey being competitive against Barbarian or Warlord. Even though Barbarian and Warlord wore makeup, Jimmy and Jey would be the ones who looked like clowns if they ever stepped into the ring with The Powers of Pain.
Terry And Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk needs no introduction to any fan of wrestling. He is the true king of the death match, not Nick Gage. Dory and Terry were straight up bounty hunters. Neither man had muscles, they just looked like barroom brawlers. They seemed more like the redneck brothers who lived down the road who was always getting arrested because they just enjoyed fighting. Jimmy and Jey wouldn’t stand a chance against Terry and Dory Funk Jr. in a barroom brawl, much less in a wrestling ring.
Insane Clown Posse
Like it or not, Insane Clown Posse is a cultural phenomenon. I am what society refers to as a “Juggalo”. Yes, it is true, I am a longtime Juggalo. Not only is ICP one of the greatest rap groups ever, but they were also one of the greatest tag teams to ever enter the wrestling ring. Violent J. and Shaggy 2 Dope were wrestlers before they were ever known as rappers. Their wrestling career goes all the way back to 1983, before The Usos were even born. ICP wrestled in WCW and WWF, as well as in various indies. ICP has shared the ring with the likes of Rey Mysterio, Sabu, CM Punk, The Texas Rattlesnake, and many others. Insane Clown Posse deserves to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, no doubt about it. Maybe the EWN community can start a petition?
It would be amazing to see Insane Clown Posse wreck The Usos in a tag match. ICP are talented wrestlers, you can’t deny that. Violent J. is 50 years old, and Shaggy 2 Dope is 47, so maybe there’s still a chance this match could happen. What do you think? I mean, if Ric Flair can get booked at a million years old, then surely ICP can get booked against The Usos to see who is truly the GOAT of tag team wrestling.
Who You Got Uce?
Who is your favorite tag team of all time? Do you think The Usos are the GOAT? Do you think that Jimmy and Jey could lace the boots of the tag teams of the 80s? Drop a comment or hit me up on Twitter.