If you’re like me, when you first heard that WWE was going to be naming a future event Great Balls of Fire, you both laughed and cried inside.
Surely, it wasn’t true. This had to be one of the ridiculous dirt sheet rumors that has no basis, like how every year around Survivor Series, there’s discussion that War Games is coming back, or when someone edits a Wikipedia entry to say that Yoshi Tatsu won the first Royal Rumble.
Then, the confirmation hit, and it became a question of whether you’d go to confusion as to why they made that choice or just making fun of it because it’s absolutely ridiculous.
Well, over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself poking fun at the name quite a bit and randomly having other names pop into my brain that I would prefer much better, which aren’t inspired by old Jerry Lee Lewis hits—although if we allow ourselves some room here, “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer could totally fit.
In what mostly amounts to an exercise in futility, I’ve decided to put those alternative titles out there, just in case anyone from WWE’s creative team is listening and wants to replace it at the last minute with anything below. Just give me a shout out and we’ll call it even.
NOTE: All of these names are specifically fire-themed, as you have to give yourself some kind of guidelines, right? Plus, it’s the summer, so let’s go with the heat idea.
Section I: The Joke Titles
If we’re going with Great Balls of Fire, why not just have some fun with it and throw out some other ideas of absurd names, too? In the name of satire and all that is holy, please don’t take any of the entries in this section seriously. I’m looking at you, TNA…
WWE Dumpster Fire or WWE Hot Mess
Let’s be honest, WWE will always promote every show as potentially being the best ever before it happens and once it is over, it was the biggest spectacle ever, but we all know some of them not only suck, but the company itself knows that it isn’t going to be a good one well in advance.
Just cut to the chase and admit it ahead of time to save everyone the effort of trying.
WWE Burned Out or WWE Slow Burn
The former can very effectively describe WWE’s creative team while the latter is their excuse for why they stretch feuds out to the point where nobody wants to see the same two people wrestle anymore. In their minds, it’s a slow burn to tell a proper story, but we all know it’s just a means to not do as much work. Hence why Rich Swann and Noam Dar have crossed paths for what feels like two years even though the division hasn’t even existed that long.
WWE Hot Potato
Think Clash of Champions meets that time of the year where WWE has no idea what to do with a title, so they just transfer it back and forth between a few people in the hopes that a title change will be good enough to mask the lack of a good story to follow.
We can have the long-awaited return of the scramble match, but make every pinfall a legitimate title change.
WWE Totally Lit, Bro
WWE loves pandering to specific markets all the time, no matter how ridiculous it makes the product look. Think having a new sensation child actor beat up a superstar will get more kids to watch? Shoot first and ask questions later. Something happened in pop culture this week? Better make a joke about it to show how culturally relevant and in with the times you are!
Hell, people even criticize Jinder Mahal’s title reign as being entirely motivated as a quick attempt to convince the Indian markets to invest more in WWE, not as a true push for Mahal himself.
Let’s name a few pay-per-views in the style of today’s youth’s lexicon by browing Urban Dictionary. Later this year, WWE presents such events as “Thot Patrol”, “Totally Cray”, “Low-Key” and Survivor Series will be renamed “Fam Fights”. Then, we can go full circle with another heat pun by capping things off in the winter months with the Raw exclusive “No Chill” event.
WWE Fire Alarm
At this event, the special gimmick match will be a drill where everybody in the arena lines up single file and proceeds to follow the signs to their nearest exit while not talking, because this is important in case there would ever be a real fire and you’d need to know how to best escape the building.
Section II: The Semi-Serious Titles
The following are some suggestions I think actually have a little bit of true value to them, but I’m on the fence about for one reason or another.
WWE Under Fire
While Under Fire sounds more like being behind enemy lines in a war zone, they have Battleground, so that’s not much of a stretch. There are better options, though, so while I can picture some cool background graphics being used for the promotional material that feels like something out of the beginning of Saving Private Ryan, I think this is more of a “maybe pile” name.
WWE Into the Fire
I would be tempted as hell to introduce a frying pan match just so we could use the phrase “out of the frying pan and into the fire” but ignoring that, Into the Fire actually has a decent enough ring to it.
Like most of these entries, though, I would think an Inferno Match would be a necessity and I don’t think WWE will be doing those any time soon unless Bray Wyatt gets bored.
WWE Red Hot (Something)
There’s room for a little bit of campy style in WWE, as we’re still talking about professional wrestling. I can imagine Vince McMahon getting really behind a name like Red Hot Riot. It has the zing of something from a different era’s marketing techniques. Red Hot Mayhem, Red Hot Brawl, whatever your choice may be, I think you can still laugh at it, but it doesn’t scream out as being as ridiculous as Great Balls of Fire.
WWE Turn Up the Heat
Admittedly, this feels more like a catch phrase or a slogan to use for another one of these names rather than the actual pay-per-view title itself, but we’ve had worse things in the past, like In Your House: Revenge of the ‘Taker and This Tuesday in Texas.
They have plenty of other fire puns and phrases to use, like “adding fuel to the fire/flames” and “fighting fire with fire” to get them through the buildup weeks. They can even refer to that event as “the hot spot” for action or something lame like that.
WWE Up in Flames or WWE Up in Smoke
I don’t think WWE would want to associate themselves with Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke, but thankfully for them, the phrase isn’t tied only to that, nor would Up in Flames evoke that connotation.
Smoke imagery is useful in all sorts of ways and if this were a Raw-branded event, Bray Wyatt’s character could have a lot of fun playing around with the title and being the figurehead of the posters. It doesn’t apply well to Brock Lesnar, but since when did Great Balls of Fire, either?
Section III: The Legitimate Titles
The final section is dedicated to the actual names I think could have served as better substitutions when they were pitching Great Balls of Fire. For my own personal tastes, if I had heard any of these as the title for that event, I would have either thought they were legitimately cool or at least it wouldn’t have raised any doubts in my mind for who was coming up with the titles.
WWE Heat Wave
This is actually a name that has been around since 1994, back when it was an ECW pay-per-view event that ran until 2000. After ECW was folded into WWE, the name has been repurposed as a subtitle for the live events during the summer months, which WWE brands the “WWE Live SummerSlam Heatwave Tour” which may seem to disqualify it from the running, but let’s be honest—live events don’t matter.
Yes, they’re a fun alternative if you can’t get to see a television taping or a special event, but it’s just a watered down version of the real product, a supplemental revenue stream for the company, a means to prepare for future storylines and let superstars hone their craft, and so forth, but none of it is canon. It’s very likely the average WWE fan has no idea this live event tour has a regular name. They’re only concerned with how they bought tickets to “a WWE show on [the date] at [the arena] in their area.”
Nixing Heat Wave from the title of the live events does nothing to hurt those shows and it opens up the name to be reused for this pay-per-view. The concept is as identical as you can get without the cheesiness and WWE already owns the rights to use it. Plus, since lots of ECW fans just go crazy over anything that reminds them of their old favorite promotion, you’ll get a few of them to mark out over the return of that title, and with Paul Heyman having a presence at this event, he could have been the one to bring it back.
WWE Boiling Point
I incessantly keep pitching for Breaking Point to come back, as I love that title, but if they have no plans on resurrecting that name, Boiling Point would be a worthwhile replacement.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather see Breaking Point return and then any of the other names in this section fill in the “fire-themed event name” slot, but Boiling Point does have a decent enough ring to it.
The general rule of thumb regarding event names is that it should either refer to fighting (Battleground, Vengeance) or some kind of gimmick (Money in the Bank, King of the Ring). Sometimes, you have both, like the Royal Rumble and Elimination Chamber.
Wrestler A and Wrestler B have been feuding with each other and oh boy has it reached…THE BOILING POINT…*cue graphics* — it works.
WWE Crash and Burn
At first, I had this in my joke section. Then, I had it in my semi-serious list. After writing up other entries above, I came to realize I actually legitimately like this name more than I had originally planned, despite the fact that it could be joked about immediately if the event happened to suck.
The downside to it is that it feels reminiscent of a hybrid between Roadblock and Extreme Rules where you’d think the graphics and logos would consist of some kind of car wreck, caution tape and flames. Some might think that’s a bit overkill of doing things too similar, but keep in mind that we just had Payback and Backlash within weeks of each other.
If you immediately jump to the conclusion that you hate it, I suggest mulling over the thought for a little bit and coming back to it. Let me know if your opinion changes. None of this matters anyway as WWE isn’t calling this event Crash and Burn, but I’m curious.
WWE Trial By Fire
For those unfamiliar with the phrase, this was an old tactic where someone would be put through a test of courage or an attempt to prove themselves innocent by doing something like walking on hot coals. It was the medieval times. People were bored and did that stuff quite often.
Over the years, this took on more metaphorical variations, such as surviving enemy fire from their guns or even just a really difficult ordeal like tossing a trainee at Walmart into the crowd on Black Friday. You’ll go through hell, but if you come out of it, you’ll be forged into iron, or at least a very bitter person who can put up with more crap in the future.
Clearly, WWE isn’t going to institute a match where the ring apron is replaced with flaming hot coals, as that’s more CZW’s game, but the name itself as an almost ritualistic testament to someone’s physical prowess, bravery and ability to withstand the elements fits as a rather epic name for an event that would be roughly 1/4 people talking and video packages, 1/4 entrances and the other half a mostly choreographed stunt show.
WWE Fired Up
♫ And when I hear you calling, I’m in heaven, we’ll be there together. No I won’t be alone. You’ve got me fired up, fired up, you got me so ♫
Okay, technically, this is another song, but it’s a 90s song by Funky Green Dogs and I’m probably the only one who knows it. It was also a 2009 comedy about cheerleaders that actually had a few decent laughs in it for me being as much of a film snob as I am.
The title itself is as generic as it gets, but it fits the bill of exactly how WWE would promote an event. Are you ready to get FIRED UP this Sunday? No? Well, c’mon, we really want you to cheer for Roman, so please, just…okay?
If you’re looking for inspiration, just picture a logo bursting into flames when the graphics pop on the screen. You’d also have to imagine the opening pyro could be quite a spectacle.
With all that said and done, what are YOUR suggestions for some alternative names for Great Balls of Fire? Or, do you actually like the name, and by this point, you absolutely hate my guts in disagreement and you want to shout expletives at me?
