If you’re like me, when you first heard that WWE was going to be naming a future event Great Balls of Fire, you both laughed and cried inside.
Surely, it wasn’t true. This had to be one of the ridiculous dirt sheet rumors that has no basis, like how every year around Survivor Series, there’s discussion that War Games is coming back, or when someone edits a Wikipedia entry to say that Yoshi Tatsu won the first Royal Rumble.
Then, the confirmation hit, and it became a question of whether you’d go to confusion as to why they made that choice or just making fun of it because it’s absolutely ridiculous.
Well, over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself poking fun at the name quite a bit and randomly having other names pop into my brain that I would prefer much better, which aren’t inspired by old Jerry Lee Lewis hits—although if we allow ourselves some room here, “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer could totally fit.
In what mostly amounts to an exercise in futility, I’ve decided to put those alternative titles out there, just in case anyone from WWE’s creative team is listening and wants to replace it at the last minute with anything below. Just give me a shout out and we’ll call it even.
NOTE: All of these names are specifically fire-themed, as you have to give yourself some kind of guidelines, right? Plus, it’s the summer, so let’s go with the heat idea.
Section I: The Joke Titles
If we’re going with Great Balls of Fire, why not just have some fun with it and throw out some other ideas of absurd names, too? In the name of satire and all that is holy, please don’t take any of the entries in this section seriously. I’m looking at you, TNA…
WWE Dumpster Fire or WWE Hot Mess
Let’s be honest, WWE will always promote every show as potentially being the best ever before it happens and once it is over, it was the biggest spectacle ever, but we all know some of them not only suck, but the company itself knows that it isn’t going to be a good one well in advance.
Just cut to the chase and admit it ahead of time to save everyone the effort of trying.
WWE Burned Out or WWE Slow Burn
The former can very effectively describe WWE’s creative team while the latter is their excuse for why they stretch feuds out to the point where nobody wants to see the same two people wrestle anymore. In their minds, it’s a slow burn to tell a proper story, but we all know it’s just a means to not do as much work. Hence why Rich Swann and Noam Dar have crossed paths for what feels like two years even though the division hasn’t even existed that long.
WWE Hot Potato
Think Clash of Champions meets that time of the year where WWE has no idea what to do with a title, so they just transfer it back and forth between a few people in the hopes that a title change will be good enough to mask the lack of a good story to follow.
We can have the long-awaited return of the scramble match, but make every pinfall a legitimate title change.
WWE Totally Lit, Bro
WWE loves pandering to specific markets all the time, no matter how ridiculous it makes the product look. Think having a new sensation child actor beat up a superstar will get more kids to watch? Shoot first and ask questions later. Something happened in pop culture this week? Better make a joke about it to show how culturally relevant and in with the times you are!
Hell, people even criticize Jinder Mahal’s title reign as being entirely motivated as a quick attempt to convince the Indian markets to invest more in WWE, not as a true push for Mahal himself.
Let’s name a few pay-per-views in the style of today’s youth’s lexicon by browing Urban Dictionary. Later this year, WWE presents such events as “Thot Patrol”, “Totally Cray”, “Low-Key” and Survivor Series will be renamed “Fam Fights”. Then, we can go full circle with another heat pun by capping things off in the winter months with the Raw exclusive “No Chill” event.
WWE Fire Alarm
At this event, the special gimmick match will be a drill where everybody in the arena lines up single file and proceeds to follow the signs to their nearest exit while not talking, because this is important in case there would ever be a real fire and you’d need to know how to best escape the building.
Section II: The Semi-Serious Titles
The following are some suggestions I think actually have a little bit of true value to them, but I’m on the fence about for one reason or another.
WWE Under Fire
While Under Fire sounds more like being behind enemy lines in a war zone, they have Battleground, so that’s not much of a stretch. There are better options, though, so while I can picture some cool background graphics being used for the promotional material that feels like something out of the beginning of Saving Private Ryan, I think this is more of a “maybe pile” name.
WWE Into the Fire
I would be tempted as hell to introduce a frying pan match just so we could use the phrase “out of the frying pan and into the fire” but ignoring that, Into the Fire actually has a decent enough ring to it.
Like most of these entries, though, I would think an Inferno Match would be a necessity and I don’t think WWE will be doing those any time soon unless Bray Wyatt gets bored.
WWE Red Hot (Something)
There’s room for a little bit of campy style in WWE, as we’re still talking about professional wrestling. I can imagine Vince McMahon getting really behind a name like Red Hot Riot. It has the zing of something from a different era’s marketing techniques. Red Hot Mayhem, Red Hot Brawl, whatever your choice may be, I think you can still laugh at it, but it doesn’t scream out as being as ridiculous as Great Balls of Fire.
WWE Turn Up the Heat
Admittedly, this feels more like a catch phrase or a slogan to use for another one of these names rather than the actual pay-per-view title itself, but we’ve had worse things in the past, like In Your House: Revenge of the ‘Taker and This Tuesday in Texas.