It’s a New Year, yes it is!
Today is the day everyone tries to set new goals for themselves in the hopes they can change their life around just because the calendar changed. It’s entirely symbolic, but it’s as good a time as any to start making adjustments.
WWE in 2019 was supposed to be a year of change. Hell, Vince McMahon himself promised at the tail end of 2018 that WWE would be listening to its fans. Lo and behold, it was a year of turmoil and tons of mistakes just as much, if not more than the prior year.
Empty promises and false advertisement are rampant, but there’s always a chance to improve. As such, it’s time to get into the fourth annual New Year’s resolutions for WWE in general and the superstars who make up the product we all love—or, at times, love to hate.
Keep in mind that while some of these are serious and legitimate, many are just humorous or on the kayfabe side of things. It’s all in the name of fun and retrospection.
Rusev and Lana
Leave WWE. Seriously.
Lana CLEARLY wants to act and model more than anything else, as evidenced by her overacting in this storyline and the advancements in her modeling career in 2019. She signed a new contract, but Sin Cara and Mike Kanellis did that and that didn’t stop them from wanting to get out.
Rusev seems either like he’s given up on trying and is just goofing off until his deal expires, or he’s frustrated and figures “screw it, if it’s this stupid, I’ll ham it up.”
Even if you two don’t go to AEW or anywhere in particular, you might have more fun with taking your careers in other directions. WWE isn’t likely to give Lana that platform she wants, nor will they give Rusev a world title.
Demand your match with Brock Lesnar. You’ve wanted it for so long and WWE keeps ignoring you. We’ve seen plenty of times in the past when someone’s wanted something, they’ve dangled it, and it never happened.
Sting never got his Undertaker match. The Four Horsewomen vs. Four Horsewomen may never happen. Stone Cold vs. Hulk Hogan was pushed aside for later and didn’t come to pass.
Sit down with Vince McMahon and tell him you’re going to leave if they don’t actually give you the Lesnar match. Even if it sucks, at least you’ll have had the chance to prove what you keep saying would work.
Threatening to quit will force WWE to reevaluate how much they want you on the roster. Maybe you’ll get your wish. If not, at least you’ll know for sure it isn’t worth investing in that match anymore and you can stop putting in the effort to impress them and just coast in upper-midcard limbo.
The Hardy Boyz and The Usos
In all seriousness, get some help, if you haven’t already. Every time there’s another arrest or something, it’s further proof to all the doubters who keep saying you’ll never change.
It does no good to your careers or your partners, nor your legacies, your families, your public perception, etc. There are no positives to all this nonsense.
Clearly, there are some issues that need to be resolved that you think are helped with substance abuse, but since that hasn’t worked yet, it’s time to throw in the towel with that theory and admit that it never will. Something has to change and it is to get help so that you don’t end up a statistic.
Beg them to stop this Shorty G stuff. I know you might have thought that being used at all was a step in the right direction and that this might be inspiring or anything, but it isn’t working.
Instead, you look like a fool who is trying to be the embodiment of a 90s cartoon basketball player mascot. You’re reminding me more of a cross between Izzy from the Olympics, Kid Vid from Burger King and a guy who should be inside a costume cheering on The Wildcats rather than “the next WrestleMania main-eventer.”
Come back with a new gimmick. Freshen things up. You have no actual character yet and if you return looking and acting the exact same way, the momentum of your comeback will dry up super fast and you’ll be back doing nothing in no time.
When you’re done with your television show, have one last run in WWE and then retire. You can still make your appearances in the future whenever you want and be an ambassador as much as possible. That part of your life that you’ve been doing doesn’t need to change.
However, you’re still treated as if you’re a regular member of the roster and we all know that isn’t true. It’s time. You’re a legend and a future first-ballot Hall of Famer. Concoct a storyline run well enough to do justice to your career and end it with a bang in 2021.
When you leave…because we know you’re leaving…please don’t pick lame names for AEW. Don’t be Turwilliger Jones and Gert Anderson or something. It’s going to be so ridiculous if you pop up on Dynamite and Excalibur and JR have to act all surprised about some stupid new names just because WWE owns Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder and you couldn’t think of anything decent.
Also, pick a tag team name that is cool. If you go with #FTR, that’s going to forever tie you to being anti-WWE, rather than breaking out and showing everyone what you could’ve done all along.
Quit hanging around backstage and go consummate that marriage! Your wife is hot! What are you doing?! You’re not even on the brand that has the 24/7 Championship anymore, so what is up with these distractions!?
Take Primo’s suspension as an opportunity to sit down with WWE and tell them to let you go. You know there’s no point in you being with this company anymore. This is many years in the making. It needs to end this year.
Hopefully, you’ve taken this time off to really get better in a lot of ways more than just with healing your injuries. If you haven’t, start now.
Improve your cardio. Learn how to cut better promos by taking some acting classes (something tons of people should be doing). Figure out some tweaks to your gimmick so you’re fresh when you come back. Expand your mind and grow as a person. Learn from your mistakes in the past and make up for them.