Sunday, June 16, 2024
EditorialThe Stone Cold Truth About Ezekiel's Brother

The Stone Cold Truth About Ezekiel’s Brother



I know who Ezekiel’s real brother is. Kevin Owens wants to conduct a Lie Detector Test on Ezekiel, but he doesn’t need to. All he needs to do is give me a call and I can tell KO who Ezekiel really is. Ezekiel is Ezekiel, and I walk with Ezekiel. You might assume that we all know Ezekiel is lying and that there’s no need for a lie detector test and that the dude is really Elias and blah blah blah. Well, you are wrong.

Ezekiel is not Elias

Obviously, I know that Ezekiel is not Elias’s younger brother, but I also know that Ezekiel is not Elias, because he is not. You heard me correctly. No, Ezekiel is not Elias. Kevin Owens is apparently just too stupid or too blind to figure the shit out. However, I actually do agree with Kevin Owens on one thing: I agree with KO that Ezekiel is a big fat muscle-bound liar.

Ezekiel claims to be an “open book” with “nothing to hide”, and he’ll let you see his driver’s license and his library card, but I know what the man is really hiding. He says all we have to do is ask. So we, the wrestling fans want the truth. Ezekiel, why are you hiding the truth that you are, in fact, the blood brother of Bradley Cooper, why?

The Shocking Truth

That’s right. I am telling you that Ezekiel is the brother of Bradley Cooper. Just look at him. Just look at his face! Anyone who is not legally blind should clearly be able to see that he is not Elias’s brother, that he is not Elias, and that Ezekiel is obviously the younger better-looking brother of the world-famous actor, Bradley Cooper. 

You might be asking yourself, what does this lonely wrestling columnist know that we don’t? Is he a friend of the family? Is he their third cousin? Does this dude secretly work for Ezekiel? Do I have stone-cold proof that Ezekiel is Bradley Cooper’s brother? The answer is, yes, I do have proof, exclusive BREAKING NEWS proof.

The Hard-Hitting Evidence

I have acquired this exclusive photograph taken on Ezekiel’s iPhone 13 Pro Max. This picture was taken at a gym just one week ago, where Bradley Cooper and Ezekiel were spotted pumping iron together. Bradley Cooper is in the process of getting jacked for a role in an upcoming film with the help of his brother, who just happens to be a super jacked wrestler. Just look at this side-by-side comparison of Ezekiel and Bradley Cooper, they have the same nose, same smile, and they even have the same gorgeous eyes and hair.

Mystery Solved, Case Closed

It is undeniable that these two men are brothers, and if you don’t believe me, well then, you are in denial just as Kevin Owens is. The only question that KO needs to ask for the lie detector test is “Are you related to Bradley Cooper?”. If Ezekiel answers “NO” to this question, then the lie detector graph should go off of the charts indicating that Ezekiel is exactly what Kevin Owens has accused him of being, a liar.

So, with all of that being said, I miss Elias. Elias was fucking awesome, and I hope he returns someday to an arena full of cigarette lighters being held high in the air as he wrecks some jobber in an epic Instruments of Mass Destruction match. But for now, I am rooting for Ezekiel, and you should too. I hope he has some brutal brawls with Kevin Owens, and maybe, just maybe, WWE will let Ezekiel, AKA Bradley Cooper’s brother, actually win some matches.

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