Tuesday, June 18, 2024
NewsHulk Hogan, Stay Away From My TV Screen Brother

Hulk Hogan, Stay Away From My TV Screen Brother

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This is a personal anecdote to Hulk Hogan, a man that WWE is considering to bringing back for WrestleMania season.

“WHACTHA GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOUUU BROTHER!! WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN MY FLABBY BURLAP SACKS TAKE OVER YOUR TELEVISION SCREEN BROTHERSS??” Simple. I’ll switch the channel. Hulk Hogan, this is not the 1980s when you dominated WrestleMania season with the likes of The Ultimate Warrior and Randy Savage. This isn’t the 1990s when you made the greatest heel turn of all time in WCW and created the nWo with Scot Hall and Kevin Nash. Heck, this isn’t even the Ruthless Agression era when you looked like you were doing steroids. This is 2013. You are sixty years old. Let me reiterate that. Sixty. A full six decades. You shouldn’t be wrestling right now. You should be collecting social security and fixing up that sex scandal you got looming over you right now. I’d like to take you back to Summerslam of 2005. You were up against Shawn Michaels in the appropriate tagline: Legend vs Icon. However, Shawn displayed what had to be the most oblivious act of selling in all of wrestling. Your skills have deteriorated so much that Shawn made it look like he had a seizure every time you threw a punch or threw him into a ring post. He made it seem like you had superpowers. That’s how much you sucked. Then, you wrestled Randy Orton the next year at Summerslam in your last WWE match to date as far as my memory allows me. Back then, Orton was a young, talented fresh heel, yet he just had to job to you. Let me list out your move set for you. You got the big punches, to which the crowd for some reason always say “BOOM” after. Maybe its because the motion of your punches seem to take a bit of time. There is of course the academic scoop slam. Perhaps with the right amount of time you can garner up the strength for a back body drop. And, if fate happens to smile you on you, you can manage to do an actual regular suplex. Then you got the comeback, something to which i’ll never understand why opponents keep standing there while you’re “Hulking Up” as you called it. Now, Hulk i gotta be honest. You perhaps have impacted the WWE today more than anybody else has ever had. You have done more than just pay your dues. You were the first major star that everyone looks up to. That Real American. But those days are over. Your eyes are starting to have bags thicker than my luggage. Your snow white moustache makes you look like Santa Claus.You most likely have trouble using the bathroom. Your daughter Linda can put on a more watchable match than you. I don’t think i can bear the sight of watching Hulk wrestle again, let alone at WrestleMania.

And the victim isn’t just me, but your opponents, who realize that they don’t have the strength to defeat a sixty year old man. Now, WWE is planning a tag match with none other than John Cena so you may not have to do much. But every second you’re in that ring, the world stops spinning on its axis for me. I really can’t bear the sight of seeing you wrestle. Now some may say, “Oh but Ric Flair was sixty years old in his last match and he absolutely delivered against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 24! Why can’t Hulk be the same?” Hogan isn’t Ric Flair. Hell, he’s not even a Richie Steamboat. He’s not the technical performers that they are. Hogan only relies on energy from the crowd and that’s how his move sets are created. Flair is able to put on good performances because his wrestling style and his conditioning both were much better. Hogan, you are not. If you absolutely have to be back for the 30th Annual WrestleMania, then at least do what The Rock did at WrestleMania 27. Be the special guest host, and make an appearance during the PPV. Don’t wrestle. For the sake of humanity, for the sake of me, and for the sake of all that is pure in wrestling, don’t come back. Besides, not all is bad. Why don’t you team up with Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter and continue your TNA career. Well, on second thought, no plan is perfect.

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