Event: WWE Extreme Rules
Airdate: Sunday, May 4th, 2014
Location: The Izod Center in East
Results by Matt
WWE Extreme Rules
The pre-show is now officially underway, featuring our panel consisting of
Josh Mathews, Alex Riley, Booker T and Sheamus. The guys run down the key
matches on tonight’s show, all-the-while we hear a very loud and passionate
“Yes!” chant in the background from the New Jersey fans. Video packages are
shown, the guys run down matches, we check in with Renee Young in the “social
media lounge,” etc. The usual pre-show stuff. The first match, which will be the
“WeeLC” match between El Torito and
Hornswoggle, is coming up in just a minute or so. Now we hear a pretty loud “CM
Punk” chant from the fans in the IZOD Center. Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a
hot crowd so far.
– El Torito
The pre-show panel shoots off to the announce table where Michael Cole, Jerry
Lawler and JBL welcome us to the show. Seated in front of them, which Cole
introduces, are a bunch of midgets doing special commentary. The ring announcer
is a midget. The announcers (the normal crew) are already making a ton of puns
and bad jokes. “I hope this is a short match,” etc. El Torito is introduced
first and he comes out with his Los Matadores partners. The regular commentary
team is interacting with the midget commentary team, and even the
team are making bad jokes. “I think that comment went over my head,
King!” says one of the “little people” announcers. Now Hornswoggle is introduced
and he comes out with his 3MB partners. It’s time for the very legendary,
first-ever “WeeLC” match, ladies and gentlemen!
The bell rings, and our special midget referee makes this one official.
Torito gets the early advantage. The regular and midget commentary
team are talking back-and-forth, communicating with each other and also
taking turns at calling the midget-action in the ring. They are making so many
bad little-people style jokes already that it’s impossible to keep count. We
already have our first mini-foreign object, as a small chair is brought into the
Jinder Mahal is mixed into the action now, taking gores in the nuts, etc. The
announcers make jokes about Mahal’s height, saying he’s almost short enough to
be a part of this match. A mini ladder is brought into the
ring. The midget throws it out of the ring. He gets another ladder, which is
still small, but a tad-bit larger than the previous Hornswoggle goes to the top
of the ladder and poses, giving off the impression that “I’m gonna do it fans!
I’m gonna risk my life and jump off of this — two foot tall — ladder!” In all
honesty, this is actually very entertaining. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d
expect, by the way. We head to a mid-match commercial.
When we return from commercial, 3MB and Los Matadores are shown fighting in
the aisle. We see some highlights of some “mini-high spots” that took place
during the commercial. The announcers continue firing off bad midget-jokes as
the action between the key principles continues inside the ring. Hornswoggle
hits RVD’s “Rolling Thunder” move for a near fall. Hornswoggle clears off the
midget announce table, which is obviously a smaller version of a regular
announce table. The announcers are putting this over like the most dangerous
thing ever. Horny jumps off the apron and splashes onto Torito through the
Following the mini-table spot, the New Jersey fans break out in a “this is
awesome” chant. The action returns to the ring, where 3MB and Horny are standing
around as Torito is laid out. Horny blasts him with the mini-chair. Horny goes
to hit Torito, who is being held by Heath Slater on the apron, with a
mini-chair, but Torito moves. This leads to Horny accidentally hitting Slater,
knocking him off the apron and crashing through a couple of real-sized tables on
the floor. Seconds later, another big table spot happens with Los Matadores and
Torito crashing through regular sized tables on the opposite side of the floor
outside the ring. About a minute later, Torito puts Horny through a table in the
ring. 1-2-3. El Torito wins the first-ever “WeeLC” match. Really fun stuff.
Winner: El Torito
WWE Extreme Rules 2014
After the “WeeLC” match some more highlights and video packages are shown, as
well as a quick backstage promo from Zeb Colter. He didn’t really say anything
of note. Basic stuff, ending with his “we the people” catchphrase. Ladies and
gentlemen, the 2014 edition of WWE Extreme Rules is officially underway. The
typical kick-ass video package airs to open the show, and then we shoot live
into the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
– Rob Van Dam vs. Cesaro (with Paul Heyman) vs. Jack Swagger
(with Zeb Colter)
After a quick glimpse inside the IZOD Center, we immediately hear Rob Van
Dam’s theme music. RVD makes his way to the ring as Michael Cole formally
welcomes us to WWE Extreme Rules. After that, Jack Swagger, accompanied as usual
by Zeb Colter, makes his way to the ring. As they make their way to the ring,
highlights are shown of what transpired throughout the past few weeks with all
three of these guys.
Then, we hear Paul Heyman’s voice. He brags a bunch and then talks about how
Extreme Rules is the one night a year “WWE gets it right.” He continues putting
over extreme stuff, alluding to ECW to get some cheers and then quickly swerves
and starts talking about how his client — Brock Lesnar — conquered the streak.
He then introduces his new client, whom he calls the new “King of Extreme,”
Cesaro. Cesaro’s annoying theme music hits and he makes his way to the ring. Our
first pay-per-view match is now officially underway, folks!
All three guys brawl early to kick this one off. When the smoke clears, Van
Dam is the guy in control of the offense early on. Van Dam hits a bunch of his
trademark moves and spots until Cesaro finally catches him and muscles him up
and slams him down. Cesaro powerbombs Van Dam on the floor to slow down his
momentum. The fans have been chanting “RVD” quite a bit so far, by the way.
Swagger gains the upper-hand offensively and is dominating both guys for a
minute or so. Cesaro ends up catching Swagger’s legs. Cesaro does the
Cesaro-Swing to Swagger. The fans count along with each swing, but Cesaro is
eventually cut-off by a big kick from Van Dam. The fans boo Van Dam for
interupting the swing.
Van Dam comes off the top-rope, however he is caught by the foot by Swagger
and is locked up in the Patriot Lock. Cesaro ends up breaking that up. Cesaro
ends up hitting a superplex on Swagger off the top-rope. Van Dam immediately
hits a Five Star Frogsplash as soon as Swagger landed. Van Dam covers him and
1-2-3. There’s some confusion in the building, as fans didn’t seem to realize
this is an elimination match. Eventually, Lilian Garcia gets on the house mic
and announces that Jack Swagger has been eliminated.
Cesaro and Van Dam lock horns and now the two crowd-favorites are battling it
out. Cesaro does one of his pure-muscle slams on Van Dam, picking him up without
any help of Van Dam assisting him with his own momentum. The fans break out in a
“Ce-sar-o” chant, so it seems — for now at least — that they are routing for
Cesaro to get the “W” in this one.
Van Dam regains the offensive upper-hand again, and is doing his typical RVD
moves in sequence, basically the same stuff we’ve seen him do for years. We get
a shot of Heyman freaking out on the floor, shouting to Cesaro that “this is
what I told you about this guy!” Meanwhile, Van Dam pulls a trash can out from
under the ring. Cesaro ends up baseball-sliding it into RVD’s face before he can
take it into the ring.
The action resumes in the ring, where Cesaro now has the trash can. Van Dam
rolls Cesaro up for a pin attempt, using only his legs. Van Dam puts the now
crushed trash can on top of Cesaro and climbs to the top-rope. Van Dam goes for
the Five Star Frogsplash, but Cesaro moves. Cesaro hits his Neutralizer finisher
on Van Dam onto the trash can. 1-2-3. Cesaro wins.