Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, January 30th, 2012 (USA Network)
Location: The Sprint Center in Kansas City, Missouri
Results by Tony Acero of 411
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
Cole calls the Rumble controversial as John Laurinaitis comes down, without music. We are reminded that Triple H is here as Johnny Ace slaps hands with the fans. They say he sucks, but he is all smiles. He shakes the hand of King and Cole as well as Justin Roberts and a few other peeps with names that none of us know. He makes his way to the middle of the ring,
He is smiling, as he looks forward to his review.Has he made mistakes? Yes he has. Name him one successful man who hasn’t. A wise man once said that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you don’t make it twice, and he has yet to do that!. So I am confident that I will be named the Permanent GM of RAW. After all, my review is being done by one of the greatest performers of all time; Triple H.”
He wants to talk about the Rumble. He called it right down the middle as well as doing his duties as an Exec. He now wants to introduce the participants in the Elimination Chamber match:
CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, The Miz, R-Truth and Chris Jericho
Tonight is special, he says. Beth Phoenix will face Eve for the Divas Championship. Kofi and The Miz are going to tango, and Dolph Ziggler will go one on one with Randy Orton. Also, for the first time ever, the World Heavyweight Champion will take on the WWE Champion, CM Punk! He’s also go—-
CM Punk’s music hits, interrupting Ace. Punk starts the ol Na Na Na Na, Good Bye chant, and the crowd helps out. He even gets King and Justin Roberts to join in on the jingle. He gets in the face of Ace to sing it to him, calling Ace clown shoes. Ace says that he owes him an apology for thinking that Ace was going to screw Punk out of the title. Punk says he doesn’t owe him anything, and as far as him being a man of his words, he’s not…he’s a liar. He calls him poorly dressed, dork, and a ham sandwich. He came out to see his dimwitted face one more time before he was fired. Punk has enjoyed how Ace cannot speak clearly into a microphone, how he stammers of simple words, and how he has figured out a way to both suck and blow at the same time. He isn’t Triple H’s biggest supporter in the world, but he can’t wait for Trips to kick Ace out the front door.
Ace says he won’t take what he says personally, this is about business. Now Punk and the board both know that he’s honest, fair and creative. He has taken RAW and Punk’s reign to new heights. On a personal note, he’d like to drop the beef. Ace extends out his hand. Punk says the only way he’d shake hands is if he were hitting the G2S. Here comes the Valkyries!!!
Daniel Bryan’s music hits and the World Heavyweight Champion is here. He introduces himself, in case we didn’t know who he was. He asks if Punk and Ace remember him. He says no one cares about their personal problems. While they were busy conducting their soap opera, he was busy winning. He knows Ace is trying to save his job by giving them the main event, and no disrespect to Punk, compared to what he went through last night, Punk isn’t exactly much of a challenge. Punk says, yeah, he’s right, all he is is The Best Wrestler in the world. Bryan says that’s great and fantastic, but he is more than just a wrestler…he is a role model. I’m a Vegan! I don’t even eat meat!! Punk is aware of it, but that begs the question, exactly what do you eat? He’s curious. Bryan says if he is going to take his pipe bomb and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Punk says they’ve known each other for just over a decade, how bout tonight they just give Kansas City a show? Bryan is the World Heavyweight Champ, he’s the WWE champ. Let’s give Kansas City the best wrestling match in the world.
Ah, here comes the 2012 Royal Rumble winner, Sheamus!! He hates to come in and break up the love fest, but he wanted to remind everyone that he is the winner of the Rumble, fella! He also wants to remind the champs that they will both be defending their championships, and he also wants to remind Johnny Ace that he could be fired. Ace is still all smiles. He wants to remind everyone that he has earned the right to be in the Main Event of Wrestlemania, and we get the cascading sign for the 10th time in as many days. With a bit of luck of the Irish, he’ll be the next WWE or World Heavyweight Champ. So, good luck to both champs, and as for Johnny, he wants to share an Irish saying with him. “May Triple H kick ya n the arse so hard, you’ll be throwin up your lace covered undies.”
We are back to RAW, and Josh Mathews is in a Sky Box with Wade Barrett who is said to have a vested interest in this next matchup. We are informed of a 1-on-1 match between Orton and Barrett on Smackdown. Mathews asks Barrett what is going through his mind. He says that this Friday he’s going to do worse than tossing Orton down the steps.
Match 1: Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)
Lockup to start! Of course. Dolph gets Orton in the corner then hits a knee, a right, and a whip to the ropes. Orton reverses, leap frog from orton, leap frog from Dolph. Dolph holds the ropes, struts then wipes his hair. Orton is not impressed. Lockup, Orton with a side headlock take down. Dolph tries fighting out of itt, but Orton stands. Dolph sends Orton to the ropes, and Dolph comes back with a shoulder block. Orton up top with the fists of fury, he gets to 10 then whips Dolph, but Dolph reverses only for Orton to hit a clothesline. Uppercut from Orton. They intersplice Dolph in a little side box as he talks about the Rumble. Dolph hits a dropkick out of the corner as we go to break.
We are back with Dolph atop Orton from behind. He’s got himself a cravat until Orton backs up into the Corner, smashing Dolph in the process. Orton sends Dolph to the corner, and Dolph lifts the foot to knock Orton down. We get a pin for 1…2…NO! Dolph flies into the corner for a clothesline, but Orton moves! Clothesline, clothesline, Orton goes for a scoop slam, but Dolph stops mid run! Nice! Dropkick from Ziggler and a pin for 1…2..NO! Dolph is looking for a neckbreaker. He gets it! A few sit ups for Dolph before he looks for the Fameasser. Dolph goes up top! He is about to launch, but Orton turns and clips the legs. Dolph with the split leg as Orton hits a hard right to the face! Another, and Dolph is teetering on the top rope! Dolph goes up top! SUPERPLEX from Orton and a pin for 1….2…NO!!! The crowd wants an RKO. Vickie wants a sandwich. orton with a clothesline, another! Powerslam! He’s going for the DDT,but Dolph gets out of it and locks on the Sleeper hold! Orton with a snapmare! He is in the corner! Ziggler goes for a kick, but Orton swings horizontally, then gets a crucifix pin for 1…2..NO!!!! Orton is up! Dolph is up! FAMEASSER!!! Pin for 1…2…NO!!!! Gah!!! Dolph looks for the Zig Zag, but Orton holds onto the ropes! He slings Dolph back, then clotheslines him over the rope! Orton follows through and just tosses Dolph against the barricade! A toss to the apron, and Dolph is on the edge! Orton quickly rolls in and here comes the DDT!! He hears voices, and they’re telling him he left the stove on, so Orton hits an RKO and a pin for 1…2…3!!!!
Winner: Randy Orton (***1/2)
Just as I suspected, these mofos put on a bad ass match that was only slightly altered due to the interruptions of Barrett in a sky box. A great first match to RAW!
We’re getting a new inductee to the Hall of Fame tonight.
Cole and King recap the Kane vs. Cena match where Kane and his powdered ass grab Ryder to Tombstone his ass. We move to the back with Johnny Ace, and he’s shaking hands with a lot of people. William Regal is here and Ace asks how Regal’s sons are, then Regal says, Daughters, actually…conjoined twins. What? hahaha. After Ace says hello to Curt Hawkins we go to break.
A disco ball greets us on our return as the intro to Brodus Clay is played. The ladies are donned in blue attire tonight, with Brodus’s white track suit juxtaposing. I think I have the moves to his entrance down pat and will be trying this weekend.
Match 2: Brodus Clay vs. Tyler Reks
Brodus sends Tyler to the floor, then does hits a one punch, two punch, dino claws then a headbutt. Tyler hits a dropkick then tries to attack the back with some double axe handles. That upsets Brodus, as he hits a belly to belly then a clothesline, followed by the cross body we shall call “What the Funk?”
Winner: Brodus Clay (*)
At the very least, they added some variety to the typical Brodus squash. Still lovin the gimmick and Brodus’s dedication to it.
Punk is lacin his boots when Daniel Bryan walks in. Punk says that he doesn’t think people think he is a role model. He doesn’t think people know what a Vegan is. Bryan says a Vegan is a person that doesn’t condone the slaughter of animals. “In every bite of meat, you should hear the screaming of an animal in agony.” Bryan says that not many people know what Straight Edge is either. Punk says he knows what a Vegan is and Bryan knows what Straight Edge is. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke and he doesn’t do drugs, but he doesn’t claim he’s a role model…he’s just the best wrestler in the world. Bryan bounces and we get another break.
Damn, I thought the next match was the Main Event! Looks like Triple H and Johnny Ace are more important…
Match 3: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
Shake hands to start, then we get a lock up! Side headlock from Punk. He’s wretchin it hard. Bryan sedns him to the ropes and Punk fires back with a shoulder block. Some rope work ends with a dropkick from Daniel Bryan. Bryan grabs the leg, he’s lookin for the Mexican Surfboard, but Punk keeps the arms down, so Bryan just stomps. Hard kick to the fallen Punk then a back elbow. Punk gives one in kind, snapmare into a kick to the back and a pin for 1…2..NO! Punk with a cravat, into a pinch of the shoulders and a knee to the back. Punk follows up with a body slam. Punk hits the ropes and goes for a leg drop, but Bryan moves. Bryan with a kick to the chest then drops a knee to the face of Punk. Bryan with wrist control then drops another knee. He bends back the fingers of Punk’s right hand, drops it to the mat, then stomps on the back elbow of punk. Ouch! Bryan with a half nelson as Punk pulls the ear. Bryan with an uppercut. Bryan goes for a spinning kick, but Punk holds the ropes. Bryan runs towards him and Punk tosses him over the ropes to the outside. Punk is on the apron, and drops an elbow to Bryan’s head. Punk with an uppercut, Bryan returns on! Bakc and forth till Bryan just tosses him over the barricade near the time keeper and rolls into the ring. The ref is at 9 before Punk slides into the ring. Bryan starts with the kicks. Two to the gut then gets in a side headlock. Punk hits a back suplex to get out of the hold.
Punk with a springboard elbow to start this new unnecessary break in paragraph form! Backbreaker and a pin for 1…2..NO! Punk with a chop to Bryan! Another chop to Bryan! Punk tosses Bryan to the corner, but it’s reversed and Punk is sent to the corner. Bryan tries for a dropkick but Punk moves! Punk covers the fallen Bryan for 1…2..NO!!! Punk with a chin lock from behind. Bryan turns into it so Punk drops an elbow to the back of the head. Whip to the corner, but Bryan flips backwards over Punk! Both men hit the ropes and we get a double cross body into a commercial!
We are back, and Bryan is working th arm of Punk. He pushes Punks arm down to the mat, calling a pin. Bryan with a hard DDT. Bryan goes up top. He is about to fly, but Punk is quicker and knocks him off. Punk with some chops to Bryan, who is sitting on the turnbuckle. Punk up top, mounts the shoulders of Bryan and hits a Frankensteiner before shouting Best in the World! Both men are up after some struggle, but Punk gets the first hit! Some punches and a back kick into a spinning heel kick, swinging neckbreaker! Bryan is in the corner! Punk with the running high knee! He switches to his good arm to Bulldog Bryan, and he is callin for the G2S!!! He lifts up Bryan, but Bryan slides out of it and leaves the ring! Punk with a baseball slide!! Punk is going to fly!! NO!! Bryan with a forearm to the head of Punk!!! Bryan gets the top rope and comes off with a missile dropkick!! Pin for 1….2…NO!!! Bryan is up first and hits some kicks to the chest of Punk. He goes for the head, but Punk ducks and rolls him up for 2! Punk foes for a German, but Bryan flips out of it, tries to roll up Punk, but Punk reverses for 1…2..NO!! Bryan rolls out of it and kicks Punk dead in the head! Punk just falls! Bryan pins. 1…2..NO! Bryan lifts the groggy Punk and puts him into the corner for some more chest kicks. He moves Punk up to the top turnbuckle and it looks like he wants a Superplex. Punk fights out with a punch to the kidney and a headbutt! Bryan flies down to the mat as Punk stands. He’s looking for the elbow!!! It connects!! 1…2…NO!!!! Punk lifsts Bryan up for the G2S but Bryan with the Crucifix for 1…2..NO! Punk gets out, but Bryan goes for the LaBell Lock! He does’nt get it, as Punk slingshots Bryan to the corner. Punk is up and a high kick to the head of Bryan! Bryan is on the apron as Punk’s back is turned!
Out of nowhere, Chris Jericho pulls Bryan off the apron and heads into the ring! Code Breaker to CM Punk!
Winner via DQ: Daniel Bryan (****)
Even with Jericho coming out at the end, this match was amazing. AMAZING! We know that Jericho’s claim is that he’s the Best in the World, so I’m sure that’s what this feud will focus on. I, for one, am excited. Great match!!
The newest inductee for the WWE Hall of Fame is….The Baddest Man on the Planet: Mike Tyson
R-Truth is doo-ragged out as we go to break. It appears he will be on commentary for the next match.
The Miz comes out with the mic to mockingly applaud Kofi for his handstand. Really?! You know what I did? I was the number one entry in the Royal Rumble and lasted 45 minutes! He says that his road to Mania has taken a couple of detours, but make no mistake about it. He’s winning the Elimination Chamber and go on to headline Mania.
Match 4: Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Lock up! Go behind from Miz. Kofi with a go behind of his own, into a side headlock. Miz fights out with some kidney shots, then tosses Kofi to the ropes. Kofi tries to slide under Miz’s legs but Miz stops him with some rights, hits the ropes and gives Kofi a boot to the face then covers. 1…2…NO! MIz stomps Kofi in the corner then runs some knees into Kofi. Kofi fights out of the corner and tosses Miz, then goes for a splash but misses. Miz with a high knee. He taunts Truth as Truth smiles. He goes to grab Kofi and Kofi with a roll up! 1…2…NO! MIz is callin for something. He hits his corner clothesline “imma wait for a long time” pose. Miz is up top and comes from above with an axe handle. Pin for 1…2..NO! Miz with a face lock into a cravat, Kofi tries to turn into it then hits some gut punches to make Miz release the hold. Kofi hits the ropes then goes for a roll up, but Miz is out of it. Miz hits a hard DDT as Truth claims that Cole is a roosta from boosta! Miz runs to the corner as Kofi swings through the ropes and kicks Miz in the face! Kofi up top! High cross body! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Miz kicks the gut then hits the backbreaker, and just as the neckbreaker is going into affect, Kofi goes for the SOS! Miz sends him to the ropes then locks in a Full Nelson, but no! Kofi breaks out and sends Miz to the corner. Miz is about to fire out, but Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise!! Pin for 1…2…3!!!
Winner: Kofi Kingston (***)
The ending exhange was far more exciting than I wrote and moreso than the announcers were paying attention to. The reversal of the neckbreaker into the reversed SOS into the telegraphed SCF into the final run through of the Trouble in Paradise was well done.
In the back, Ace asks Otunga if Trips is here. Otunga says he has done everything he could to help influence the decision. Ace questions that but Otunga says he enjoys his position. He is sure it will work out.
We get The Rock’s video package from the Rumble.
Match 5: WWE Divas Championship Match:
Eve vs. Beth Phoenix
Eve comes out lacking any excitement, considering what went down. Eve goes right on the attack with some back elbows and stomping some mudholes in the corner. The ref pulls her back and Beth hits a clothesline. She locks the arms of Eve and goes for the Glam Slam. Eve takes it so prettily. Beth with the pin for 1…2..3!!
Winner: Beth Phoenix (1/2*)
Well that was…pointless
Ah, here comes the reasoning. Kane’s music hits. He is on the tron. He wants to know how it feels to know that everything that happened to Ryder could have been avoided if Cena would just embrace the hate. This would all be better if Cena does that and until he truly does, he will never be able to beat Kane or The Rock. He will continue to inflict as much pain on Ryder as humanly possible until Cena embraces the hate. Tonight, he’s going to use Eve as a conduit to pass that message along. Kane’s music hits! Apparently, she’s frozen with fear. Kane is behind her! He stalks her as she backs into the ropes, and here comes John Cena. He attacks Cena and brawls him down to the mat. They trade positions more than teenagers during their first time until Kane sends Cena to the outside. They fight up the ramp, trading blows. Kane slams Cena into the barricade and takes him back ringside. Cena sends Kane into the steps then grabs him by the head and slams him into the steps. Cena removes his shirt, and ladies scream (unlike teenagers during their first time). Cena picks up the steps and clocks Kane in the mask! He’s calling for Kane to stand up. And again, steps to the face! Oh no!!! Is he….*gasp* EMBRACING THE HATE?!?! Cena with the steps, hits Kane one mo gin! He goes for the announce table, and removes to the top portion. There goes the monitors. Kane is up. Cena grabs the mic and hits Kane right on the top of the head. We gonna have a paahty up in heeya! Cena is going to the AA on Kane, but Kane is able to drop an elbow and get out of it. He hops over the rail and runs away. Cole and King are sure to accentuate that Cena has “never” been like this and has caused an “unbelievable feeling.” Cole can’t remember when John Cena has ever done such a thing. -yawn-
In the back, Ace is smiless and walks slowly as we go to break.
Triple H is up NEXT to end the show.
Main Event Seggie with out a Sledgie:
Roberts welcomes the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of, John Laurinaitis. I also, just realized, after months of doin the damned report that I’ve forgotten an “a” in his name every. Single. Time save for tonight. Where were ya on that one, Correction Team!?!?! Geez! I kid. Anyways, Ace on the stick. He says he’s been looking forward to this moment all week. Before Trips comes out, he wants to say a few things. He claims he is not most people because he is not afraid. He knows that everyone has appreciated what he’s done for this show. The facts are in the numbers. Raw ratings are up versus a year ago. This is fact. During a performance review, each WWE Employee must go through a self-assessment on a scale of 0-5. He rates himself a 5 in a lot of different areas: Delivers Quality Results, Creative Impressions, Communicates Effectively, Builds Teamwork.
It’s time to play:
He laughs at the five giving. Here’s the thing, he says. He wants Johnny to forget all that jive, because Triple H has been watching for a while. Ever since he took the role, he thought Ace would have done a good job, but unlike anyone else that’s been in the position, he’s pretty much spineless and gutless and he didn’t think that he would see the obvious grab for power that laid in front of him. However, he was worse than anyone else. He didn’t just grab the power, he used it to do the one thing that he cold never do while he was a competitor, he tried to make himself a star. Ace respects his opinion. HHH cuts him off and says not to lie. Was he or was he not involved in the Main Event of the Royal Rumble. Triple H says he has been serving his personal agenda to make himself a star. Ace says it was all to make RAW better. Triple H says that when Vince ran RAW, he let personal decisions cloud his judgement and had to be replaced. He did the same thing. Johnny Ace has also done the same. Numerous times. Ace says he’ll do anything to keep his job. Triple H considers this, calling it a broad statement. Triple H could make him take the mic and apologize to all of the fans. Ace is on the mic and before he can even apologize, the crowd boos. hahaha, Ace says he has seen the errors of his ways and brings up another old saying; to err is human, and to forgive is divine. He apologizes. The crowd is like, nah mang! Triple H takes the crowd into consideration as they say no, it’s not good enough. Triple H thinks of something else. How about a gauntlet match with any WWE Superstar that wants to take a whack at him? Ace says he’s not ready for that.
Triple H wishes he had a good idea. Dag Nabbit! Eureka, he’s got one! This is perfect. It’s one of those things that he feels makes Vince a genius….oh dear, here comes the ass. Triple H says that when Vince had issues such as these, he had a Club that these people could become a member of…Ace brings out some chapstic and gets down on his knees…Triple H is removing his shoes as Ace is all puckered up with his eyes closed. Triple H laughs, “You’re really gonna do it, aren’t you, ya freak?!” Triple H says he’s not going to do any of this silly stuff, he came out for one reason and that’s to do what needs to be done. Personal issues in the past have clouded everyone’s decision making in this role. The board sees that Triple H has put his personal problems behind him and have let him know that when Triple H wants to come back and run RAW, he can do it whenever he feels like it…so at this time, it truly warms his heart to let Ace know that he wishes well in all of ….
Excuse me while I mark the fuck out!!! Taker is back!!!! He’s out to the top of the ramp!!!! He locks eyes with Triple H and begins his slow walk down the ramp!!!! Taker is at the steps! He’s in the ring! He circles Triple H. Ace is gone from the scene. All personal issues aside, ey Trips? No words but the chants from the crowd! TAKER! TAKER! TAKER! Taker takes a gander at the Wrestlemania sign. Triple H stands as if his suit is too tight. Taker looks back at Triple H and gives the ol neck slice! Game! Over! Triple H is hesitating. He looks Taker up and down, pats him on the shoulder, then walks out of the ring. Well ain’t that some shit? Taker is left standing in the ring, staring at the Mania sign, as the show ends.
Credit: Tony Acero