Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, February 13th, 2012 (USA Network)
Location: The Valley View Casino in San Diego, California
Results by Tony Acero
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
We start with a recap of Kane breaking into the Women’s Locker room to hover of Eve Heidenreich-style. This is coincided with a Cena video package of the hate slowly taking over. I’m sure this all looked great on paper. After the video, we go live to a very zoomed in face of Kane. He claims that tonight, two things will happen: John Cena will embrace the hate, and someone will take a ride in an ambulance. Who will it be?!
Anyways, we start with Lawler in the middle of the ring with…what the hell? All 6 members of the Elimination Chamber match are in the ring behind podiums and it looks like we are having our first ever…Elimination Chamber Debate…wow, what a way to start RAW. All 6 men get introduced and Punk mockingly says, “Vote for Me!” King says he will ask a question and each person gets 45 seconds to respond.
1. The odds are against you, what makes you think you can walk out WWE Champion?
Before Punk can answer, Johnny Ace comes out to interrupt with David Otunga by his side. He is happy to be here tonight. He is happy with the board and their decision. That is all, apparently. Back to the question.
CM Punk: I would like to say three things. First, to the WWE Universe; I give my word, I promise you that this debate will not end in violence. The second thing is to ol Snicklefritz, Johnny L. I want to congratulate you on keeping your job. I know there’s a lot of people out there watching that may assume he has something over the heads of the Board of Directors, but he knows for a fact that he has just been doing a lot of begging. The third and final things is regarding the Chamber match. Why do I think I’m going to win? I am the best wrestler in the world (quick shot to Jericho scowling).
Dolph Ziggler is given the chance to rebuttal, but Vickie Guerrero would like to be excused. She says that there should be no booing allowed.
Dolph Ziggler: Everyone knows I’m a better wrestler than CM Punk. He is better than everyone in the ring. He backs it up every single night, while there’s people like R-Truth that don’t even know what state he’s in.
R-Truth: Well if I’m elected, the first thing I’m gonna do is trade Vickie Guerrera and Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown for Hornswoggle and a box of spiders…he calls King “your honor.” If I’m elected I’ll make it legally required to shout what (WHAT!) Don’t what me! (WHAT) Ok, what me! In every line of the pledge of allegience. Back to the box of spiders. He will take that box, stomp em, and put em in a blender, and make my grandmomma’s favorite…Spider Stew. Then, I will gulp it down to get the energy he needs to outlast everyone in the chamber and become the WWE Champion. God Bless Little Jimmy and God Bless United States of America.
Lawler wants to go to The Miz. Miz was in the main event at last year’s wrestlemania. Miz corrects him by saying he WAS the Main Event at Wrestlemania. That’s why WM 27 was such an astronomical success. Miz wants to talk about the superstars in the EC. Kofi is an afterthough, Truth should be replaced by Little Jimmy, and CM Punk is 0-2. As for Dolph, this is his first time in the Elimination Chamber the only time he’s ever scored for the first time is with an old woman. He is about to go to Jericho, but the buzzer cuts him off…then King cuts him off…then the buzz goes off again…he sort of shoots on Jericho for a bit until Kofi cuts him off.
Kofi Kingston: I might walk in an afterthough, but I just might walk out the next WWE Champion.
Lawler says this brings us to Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho: It’s obvious that I’m surrounded by neophytes in this ring and in this entire arena…but all of you need to quiet down because the true best in the world at everything I do is about annunciate. You want facts? Here’s a fact. There isn’t a human being that has been in more Elimination Chamber matches than me. The last time I was in a Chamber match, I walked out the World Heavyweight Champion. Seriously, let’s be honest here. My list of accomplishments in my career outweigh the list of all five of these wannabes completely. This brings me to you, Punk…Look at me when I’m tlaking to you, boy. You might as well give me that title right now because your master has come to reclaim what is his.
Punk totally denies him by asking if Jericho was talking to him. He wasn’t listening to a word Jericho was saying, because he was remembering when he left and placed 7th in Dancing with the Stars.
R-Truth goes on some rant about Flipper…
Lawler tries to bring it about and announces Kofi vs. Chris Jericho right now. Jericho drops his podium and walks up to Punk. He removes his OBSCENELY expensive jacket and Punk grabs his belt and raises it in the air. Jericho pushes Truth’s Podium down then turns and walks right into Trouble in Paradise from Kofi. Oh dear…
Match 1: Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho
We come and the match is already underway with Kofi stompin a mudhole in Jericho! Jericho comes back with a back elbow, but Kofi drops some stomps and hits a knee to the back of Jericho. Cole calls Jericho “very vocal in the past couple of weeks.” Um….ok….Kofi sends Jericho to the outside then dives through the ropes right into Jericho, and Kofi is pumped. Kofi slams Jericho’s head into the announce table. Back in the ring, Kofi mounts the shoulders of Jericho until Jericho powerbombs him!! Jericho with some right hands then hits a back suplex. Jericho drops an elbow then pins for 1…2…NO. Jericho with a half underhook choke hold. Kofi is up, he turns into it and hits an elbow. He sends Jericho to the ropes and goes for a dropkick, but Jericho holds the ropes and Kofi falls to the ground. Dropkick from jericho then a pin for 1…2..NO!! Jericho toys a bit with Kofi then chops him into the corner. Jericho with a whip to the corner, but Kofi hops to the second turnbuckle and hits a crossbody and a pin for 1…2..NO! Jericho goes for a quick lionsault, but Kofi chops the chest! Kofi with some hits until he goes up top! He flies off the corner but Jericho grabs the legs and locks in the Walls!!! Kofi reaches for the ropes! He’s getting closer…..closer…..He grabs the ropes! Jericho thinks he wins and celebrates, but the ref tells him he didn’t so Jericho gets pissed. He turns around and Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise for the second time!! A little bit of a struggle and Kofi pins for 1…2..NO!!! Jericho is on the ropes!!! Kofi attacks, but Jericho is still holding the ropes. The ref pulls Kofi back and Jericho gets up, hits a thumb to the eye, then hits the Codebreaker! He pins for 1…2..3!!!
Winner: Chris Jericho (**)
I liked the aggression from Kofi that basically points out the worry we’ve had all along and the one that Dolph said earlier…he’s essentially an afterthought. Kofi addressed this in the match, but didn’t pull out the win (not that we didn’t expect him to lose). There was some spottiness in the match, but for the most part, it was alright.
They show HBK, all smiles, walking through the backstage area. He stops and smiles, ah that’s why… Triple H walks up and they hug it out.
In the back, John Cena is speaking with Zack Ryder who is in a neckbrace, a back brace and has crutches. He says he knows he’s beat up, but he’s just got to be here. He loves Eve. He brought her flowers. Cena points out that every time Ryder is here, Kane has vowed to hurt him. He gets it, he knows it’s close to V-Day, but do him a favor and stay here in Cena’s locker room. He’ll go get Eve. Please do not leave this locker room. I got your back, broskii.
In the back, again, David Otunga and Johnny are choppin it up. Otunga points out that although they allowed him back on RAW, they never said he was the permanent GM. He’s got an idea, though. Not only would you be the permanent manager of RAW, but you’d also be the permanent General Manager of Smackdown as well.
There is a recap of Smackdown as to why we are getting a Big Show vs. Orton match. They show an exclusive that shows Show chokeslamming Orton.
Daniel Bryan’s music hits and it appears he will be joining us ringside during the Big Show and Orton match. Note: Bryan is NOT at the commentary booth, rather he is beside it without a headset.
Match 2: Randy Orton vs. The Big Show
Orton tries to start rough with some kidney shots, but Show pushes him away. Orton goes for the head, but Show pushes him again. Show sends Orton to the corner then chops him hard in the chest. Orton flies to the outside. Show tries picking him up by his head, But Orton hangs up his arm. Orton flies in and Show hits a side slam. Pin for 1…2..NO! Show calls for the WMD but Orton rolls out of the ring as we take a break…
We…are…BACK! And Show is fading slowly due to a sleeper hold from Orton. Show backs up into the corner, but he does so sluggishly. He takes a few steps forward then begins to go down. he’s down to one knee. Show with a snapmare to break the hold. Clothesline form Show. Another! He sends Orton to the corner then back splashes! Show hits the ropes but Orton hits a nice dropkick! Show tries to roll Show over. He does then pins for 1..2..Show Powers Out!! Orton is sent to the outside. Show follows then kicks Orton. He takes him over to the announce table and smacks his head in it. Show rolls Orton in the ring then mad dogs Bryan. Show onto the apron, and Orton hits a dropkick. Show hangs over the rope so Orton kicks him. Show slouches and we’re looking at a DDT from the top rope! Cole calls it EXTRA VINTAGE…Orton hears voices. He calls for the RKO. Show gets up and turns into an RKO, but Orton doesn’t go down and the crowd chants “You Fucked up!” Orton lifts Show, hits the ropes, Show goozles, Orton chops and hits a much better looking RKO! He is about to pin and Bryan runs in and clocks Orton over the head with the belt!
Winner: Randy Orton via DQ (**)
The match seemed just a tad bit sloppy for my liking, and I thought that before the bad looking RKO. Speaking of which, whose fault was that?
Bryan waits for Show to get up then hits him with the belt as well!
Justin Roberts is in the middle of the ring and he welcomes the man of the hour, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels!! Michaels has the mic and a whole lot of gray in that beard of his. He starts by saying that he is nervous. Earlier today, he looked on his twitter and someone asked him why he always comes around this time of year, and you cannot have Wrestlemania without MR. WRESTLEMANIA! He’s still the headliner, the showstopper, the Main— ok, he’s no longer in the main events but he will add Mr. Hall of Fame to his moniker list! Much like all of us, he was sitting home last week, riveted to his TV. Yes, he does have a TV. He was waiting for his best friend, Triple H, to utter those words that we all wanted to hear. “I accept the challenge to The Undertaker.” Of course, he was shocked when Trips didn’t give it. This is why he called Johnny Ace and asked to come to RAW. Then a few days went by and he realized that Triple H had played us all. He’s just baiting Taker, he’s just playing us all. So he wants to bring Triple H out here to announce that he will face Taker at Mania.
Triple H’s music hits and he comes out in a suit and tie, so there will apparently be 95% less ass and cock jokes. Triple H and HBK soak in the DX chants. Triple H claims he speaks for the world that it is great to see Michaels. While he understands that it’s hard to tear himself away from Texas and hunting wabbits, he says it would be nice if we didn’t see him once a year. We’d love to see him a bit more. HBK says he wanted to be here, live with everyone else to hear HHH say he would face Taker. As excited as Hunter is to see him, he wishes he would have called, because he is NOT going to be facing Taker this year. He thought he made that pretty clear last week. HBK says he doesn’t mean to interrupt. He understands. He’s gotta do the thing with the suit. But let’s forget the suit. HHH says it’s not the suit, it’s him talking. You saw what he did with Taker. Taker won the battle, HHH won the war. He knows what he has to do to beat him this year, he would have to end him and he’s not willing to do that. He’s not that guy anymore.
HBK questions this statement. He says, that’s exactly who HHH is. He finishes people. You’re a closer. You end careers, step on throats, you have no mercy, no compassion, that’s what makes you The Game!! Are you telling me that you married that chick and now you became one of them? Is that what you are now? A Sellout?
It’s not being a sellout, Shawn, it’s called investing in the future for all of these people. He’s not going to have this argument out here. He isn’t in HHH’s shoes, HBK doesn’t understand. HBK says, yes it’s true, he’s a simple guy. It’s so hard to understand how deep this business life is. But he does know this…he knows that when a MAN challenges you, and you back down…that makes you a coward. He doesn’t care how nice HHH dresses or how much money is wrapped around it, at the end of the day, a coward is still a coward. HHH looks deeply into the eyes of Shawn then walks away. Michaels says walk away. HHH is about to then turns around and says that HBK doesn’t understand what’s going on. Michaels does’nt give a damn, HHH has real life responsibilities. He says that all of this! ALL OF THIS (he points to the people) is going to be his!! That responsibility weighs on his shoulders. HBK looks at Taker as an opponent, but he doesn’t look at it that way anymore, he looks at him as a brand! A brand that is good for business and he cannot let that brand end because it is bad for business. He, HHH and Taker are an end of an era. They all know it. Them three are the end of an old breed. Triple H is not going to be the one to end that era. HBK is retired, HHH is busy and The Undertaker is all that’s left. He’ll be damned if he will be the guy to end that era. He’s not doing it for the people, for Taker or for his ego. He’s not going to do it for Michaels either to do the things that Michaels couldn’t get done. He is about to walk away. HBK grabs him by the arm, fixes his jacket and grins.
HBK says that’s an awesome speech and he’s quite sure that works on a lot of people. He likes the always consistent little jab at him, but HBK has made peace where he is at with his life. Hunter, has no peace. He wants Triple H to look him in the eye and tell him that TRIPS doesn’t want to end the streak. Look him in the eye and tell him he doesn’t need it or want it. To look him in the eye and tell him…no! Triple H looks, fixes his tie, then walks away. HBK grabs him again. HHH looks at the Mania sign. He takes his jacket off. HBK unzips his vest. They are face to face. The brim of Michael’s hat, skimming the brow of Triple H. The mic is in between them, HHH says one word, “NO.” Then drops the mic.
HBK takes a step back, looks at Triple H, troubled. HBK walks out, making sure to bump into HHH before he leaves the ring. The crowd chants for HBK as Triple H is left in the ring with only his doubt and cowardice.
Triple H is about to leave the ring, when the DONG hits and the lights go out!!! Another video package of Taker watching the Wrestlemania match in his lair of darkness. A Triple H voiceover of last week’s promo is played. Taker claims this is not over. In the video, Taker grabs a razor…and cuts his hair…He says he will get what he wants.
Match 3: Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth
Ziggler asks for a test of strength but kicks Truth instead, hits a firemans carry and drops Truth. Truth sends Ziggler to the corner, cartwheels away and hits Ziggler. I sit on my remote, turning of the television and come back with Ziggler holding a cravat from behind. He brings Truth down and does a headstand while holding in the cravat. haha. Truth is asking for help from Jimmy. He turns into the hold and gets in a few kidney shots. Ziggler goes for a right but Truth telegraphs it and hits one of his own. Ziggler is quick, though, and hits a neckbreaker then does a few sit-ups. On the third one, though, Truth grabs Ziggler and rolls him up with an inside cradle! A Pin for 1…2….3!!!
Winner: R-Truth (*1/2)
I expected more, that’s my fault. It’s unfortunate that the only reason why Truth won this is because history deems us that before the Chamber, members are to trade wins until the actual event. Essentially, this win will mean nothing after the pay per view.
Ryder is in the back, texting, and Santino walks in. Santino says he hears about him being in love with Eve and he has some love tips. Let’s start with the breath. Ryder blows in Santino’s face. Santino says he needs deodorant. He gives him a breath strip, a prototype. Ryder takes one and says it’s disgusting. Santino takes one himself and proclaims that it is garlic, and that is Love Potion Number 9. Can this be the defeat of Kane? Will Garlic do it!!!
We are informed that at the Elimination Chamber PPV, Beth Phoenix will be facing Tamina for the title.
Match 4: Tamina vs. Brie Bella
Brie goes for a side headlock and locks it in. Tamina sends her to the ropes then hits a hard chop to the chest. Tamina grabs Brie on the outside, so Brie hangs her up. Brie with a kick to the head of Tamina. She grabs Tamina by the head and slams her down. Brie grabs the head so Tamina hits a jawbreaker. Nikkis in on the apron with a distraction so Tamina hits a headbutt on her. Nikki is looking for a backslide but Tamina turns it into a Samoan Drop! She goes up top and hits a nice looking Superfly Splash!
Winner: Tamina (*)
Essentially a match to inform us that Tamina will be fighting Beth this Sunday.
Beth Phoenix leaves her post at the booth, stands up and locks eyes with Tamina. They stare down as the Bellas leave.
Backstage, Mathews and Cena are chattin it up.
Mathews wants to know Cena’s reaction in regard to The Rock. Cena is about to say something, but there is yelling in the background. We then see Eve graciously walk into the back of the ambulance while Kane is by the door. Cena comes flying in and attacks Kane from behind. He fights him off then yells for Eve to unlock the door. Kane pushes Cena down and hops in the drivers seat and makes sure to turn the sirens on. Even opens the back door and jumps into Cena’s arms then just makes out with John Cena…Cena “embraces” the kiss then asks what that was for. But wait, here is the twist! Zack Ryder is nearby and he sees it all….
We’re back and Eve wants to explain. Cena saved her, she got wet, and kissed Cena. She’s sorry he had to see it. She does care about Zack, she just never thought they’d be together. She drops the F bomb on Ryder (friends, not fuck…he wishes!).
Match 5: The Miz vs. CM Punk
We start with a hip toss from Punk and a cover for 1. Punk with a suplex into a pin for 1, again. Miz is on the apron, so Punk reaches over and Miz hangs his arm up, similar to what Orton did to Show earlier. Miz heads into the ring, but Punk gets a big boot. Miz is up shortly after and starts working on the arm. Miz from behind hits a Side Russian Leg Sweep and a pin for 1. Miz grabs the left arm and wretches it hard. Punk gets out with a back elbow and sends Miz to the ropes. Miz tries to hit his neckbreaker double hit, but only hits one as Punk hits a high kick to the head of Miz. Punk tries to get the feeling back in his left arm then goes on the attack with some rights and ear chops. This hurts his arm, though, so Miz is able to take advantage and drops some rights. Punk decides to use his legs instead, gets some kicks in then hits a neckbreaker of his own. He sends Miz to the corner, hits the high knee and a bulldog. He calls for the G2S. Miz fights out and hits a hard DDT. Pin for 1…2…NO! Miz sends Punk in the corner and he comes a-flyin with a clothesline! Miz is up top and Punk stands. He flies, but Punk ducks then hits a power slam and a pin. 1….2.. NO!! Punk is going up top this time, but there’s Miz to hit a left hand to the face. Miz is up top, he’s calling for a superplex, but Punk fights out and hits a few rights then chops the ears! Punk calls for the elbow! he hits it!! Punk calls for the G2S once again. He sets it up, but Miz floats out and locks in the Full Nelson. He goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Punk turns it into an Anaconda Vice!! Miz taps!!
Winner: CM Punk (**)
Another short match, with minimal to no implications for anything. Good for what it was, but too short to be effective. We need more time for the Kane and Cena feud, right?
Backstage, Chris Jericho is watching and smiles.
Also, backstage, the ambulance is back just before we go to break.
Back to the show, and John Cena’s music hits. He comes out all serious but still has time to salute us. Thank you, John. Cena is still chewing on bits of the tongue of Eve. He says that there was a bit of an awkward moment earlier. He tried to apologize to Ryder, but Ryder wouldn’t listen. Zack, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. So this was it. This was Kane’s plan all along. (Yes, he planned on Eve being a whore). Kane’s plan was to turn his friends against him, to turn the WWE Universe against him? Leave him all alone with no other choice but to embrace the hate. It’s a pretty solid plan, sounds like it would have worked if it was anyone else. But he’s not anyone else. He can tell that people think that he has this “evil side,” that there’s a switch that could just cause him to snap…like Krusty. The crowd chants that they all hate him. Cena says it’s been like six years and people like those chanting can’t understand that he’s comfortable in his own skin. He gets a bit more and more hood in his voice as he talks. It’s people like this that people think he’s soft. He has a message to all of those people, especially Kane. Go ahead and think that he needs to hate and that he cannot fight out of a paper bag. Go ahead. -Insert Fruity Pebbles Chant Here-. He will continue to do what he does. He will adapt. He will overcome and he will win. We have his word that Kane leaves in an ambulance. As for his good friend Dwayne. He has a message for Mania….ah, but before he can give the message, Zack Ryder comes rolling out on his wheelchair! He stands up on his crutches and heads down the ramp, slowly.
Ryder smacks the mic out of Cena’s hand. Ryder then smacks Cena. hmmmmm. Can this be it? Cena is taking off his Dog Tags. He makes sure to kiss em, though. Shirt is removed. Ryder gets in the face of Cena. He says that John was never his friend! Cena cracks his metacarpals. Ryder looks him dead in the eyes, goes to hit Cena, but Cena grabs the arm and puts his fist up! He doesn’t hit, though. He pushes Ryder back. Cena then shows remorse, and Ryder tells him to get away from him. Ryder crutches his way up the ramp a Cena struggles with his inner demons…
Speaking of inner demons, Kane is in the back after replacing the ambulance. He says that he stole the one true love of his only friend. He thought he was sick. You truly have finally embraced the hate. Unfortunately for you, I feed off hate. He claims that this Sunday, Cena’s body and soul will be leaving the WWE in an ambulance. Kane assures us that it will only be until Wrestlemania, though, so don’t worry. Before he leaves, let’s have a round of applause for John Cena. Cena asks for the mic and while that happens, Kane comes out and pushes the wheelchaired Ryder off the side of the stage and to the ground. It looked brutal until you see the mat rumple up a bit. Cena holds up the X. (INSIDER!!!) and here comes Eve. The crowd shits all over her as she puts on her mega sad face. Cena turns to give his sad face to the camera. Lucky for Cena, he’s by a bunch of kids who decide to chant for him a bit. A little girl is sad, until the camera goes on her and she notices. One of my Mexican brethren is asking Cena if he is happy as we end the show.
“ARE JU HOPPY, CHENA!!!??!””
End Show – Lord, I need a drink.
Credit: Tony Acero