Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, July 9th, 2012 (USA Network)
Location: The Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado
Results by Tony Acero
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
Cue the intense music as we get a video package of the lovely and beautiful AJ coming down to the ring last week to push Punk off a table, sending he and Bryan into a table. Ooo, that girl is several Skittles low, and I loves it! This is followed up with Punk’s proclamation of her needing professional help, and ending with the lip locking of both Bryan and Punk. With AJ toying with both men, intrigue is at an all time high, and if it’s not, let’s just pretend it is for the sake of the awesome video package.
RAW officially begins after, and AJ’s music is up first! YES! YES! YES! That was me saying it, but shortly after the crowd joins in. AJ says that this Sunday, in the WWE Championship match, she will be the special guest referee. She realizes that her actions can greatly effect the outcome of the match. This is overwhelming for her, and very emotional. She wants to ask all of us to help her welcome WWE Champion, CM Punk. She says his name like a giddy lil school girl. Punk’s music takes a second to hit, she feins anger, then smiles the minute his music hits. it’s the little things, folks. It’s the little things.
CM Punk makes his way out and has his hands on his hips. Punk gets to the ring and wants to know what AJ wants. AJ says that last Friday on Smackdown, Punk showed his true feelings when he called her mentally unstable and that she needed professional help. She doesn’t. She is in full control of all of her mental faculties at all times. But…Punk’s sentiment for her. A nice little chant, and I think they’re saying, “AJ’s Crazy.” AJ says that no one has ever cared about her, let alone show compassion and concern like Punk did. She scoots in a bit. She claims that when she kissed him, she knew it. Ah geez. She knew what she had to do. She says his eyes, then smiles. The crowd boos as Punk looks flustered. AJ says his eyes send love straight into her heart. She says he fills her up with passion and desire. Oh dear. Punk is no-selling the love blows, yo. AJ says Punk turns her on. The smile is gone, and she’s got that “Do me right” look. She knows what she must do now, and backs away, lookin all apprehensive and stuff. She’s going to propose!!! Ahahahaha….
The crowd says, “Just Say No!” Thankfully, someone is listening, because out comes Daniel Bryan shouting NO! He tells AJ that Punk doesn’t love her and doesn’t want to be with her. Bryan says he has never stopped having feelings for her. He claims Punk only cares about one person, and that’s CM Punk. Punk tells him to shut his mouth, because he doesn’t know how he really feels about AJ. Bryan then tells Punk to go ahead and say it…say “I do.” Punk says nothing. Bryan claims that Punk sees her as a special referee…he sees her as a special person. He claims that this morning when he woke up, he had no intention of stopping a proposal…he intended to make one. Bryan gets down on one knee. AJ is muy confused. Bryan, “AJ, will you marry me?”
Punk is stoppin the nonsense, though. He calls it a load of crap. He doesn’t believe that Bryan woke up to propose. Punk asks for the ring. Bryan claims it’s in the back. Punk tells her to go in the back with him and chat about all this. Bryan tells Punk not to talk about his future wife that way. They are ALL interrupted by…
Can I have your attention, PLease!
The Anonymous RAW GM is back!! Cole is up, and ready to read with his specs!!! And he quotes! Surprise, I’m back and I’m running RAW tonight. Anon GM says CM Punk and AJ make a great couple, which is why they will be in a mixed tag match against Eve and Daniel Bryan. Bryan objects. Anon says he wishes all of them good luck. AJ is on the mic, she claims this is all really confusing. She knows this all caught Punk by surprise, and Bryan’s caught her by surprise. She says they all need some time to think. She’s happy about this match tonight, because she believes that everything happens for a reason, and she has a feeling she’s going to walk out of the arena with her future husband…
I’M ON MY WAY, AJ!!!
Match 1: Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger
Go behindfrom Swagger to start, and he takes Sheamus down. Both men up in the same position and Sheamus back elbows out. He has Swagger set up in the corner, then lifts him up and over for White Noise! Sheamus in the corner, and he’s calling for the Borgue Kick. Looks like Swagger isn’t going to last long at all. Sheamus hits it. Pin for 1…2…3!
Winner: Sheamus (NR)
After the match, we see Alberto Del Rio honking his horn on the screen. He claims that Sheamus did great, but he is not Swagger. No one is Del Rio. He says he is going to take the World Heavyweight Championship this Sunday. Del Rio hops in his car and drives away. Then it blows up! I’m kidding. Sheamus turns around to Brogue Kick Jack Swagger one more time. Oh come on, was that necessary?
Backstage, Santino Marella is congratulating Zack Ryder for being the GM for Smackdown. Ryder, says he’s going to be much more entertaining than the Anonymous GM. Santino claims he will find out who the Anon GM is tonight! He pulls out his Sherlock Holmes hat and begins looking for clues.
We come back to the news that The Rock will be back LIVE for the 1000th Episode of RAW. Out of nowhere, a freakin bell rings and we have a match already beginning in the match. Looks like Dolph and Tensai are taking on Christian and Kidd.
Match 2: Dolph Ziggler and Tensai vs. Christian and Tyson Kidd
Dolph sends Tyson to the corner with some stomps, then drops an elbow. Dolph lifts Kidd, and Kidd reverses and drops Dolph. Quick tag to Christian. Christian with a hard right then a flapjack. Christian is up and flies with a spinning uppercut from the middle rope. Dolph hits Christian then tags in Tensai. Christian sends Dolph to the outside then knocks Christian down. Tensai goes after Kidd, and Chrsitian goes for a Killswitch. He gets out of it, though, and Christian calls for a spear after a dropkick. The ref is distracted and Dolph holds the leg of Christian, giving Tensai the opportunity to knock him down and hit a splash on Christian into a pin for 1…2..3!!
Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Tensai(NR)
What the hell was that?
After the match, Tensai heads to the outside to smash Kidd’s head into the barricade with his knee, then hits a hard clothesline. Tensai lifts up Kidd and sends him to the rampside of the ring. Powerbomb to the apron edge as Dolph walks out of the way. Tensai then hits his back splash on Tyson as well.
So Cole and King are arguing about who should be GM, and once King gives his opinion, Cole tosses water at King. Here comes the GM’s call. Cole makes his way to the podium, then refuses to read it. King gets up and he’s capable of reading, that’s great. King says that seeing Cole and Lawler bicker brought about some great memories, so tonight we will have a Wrestlemania Rematch. Cole bickers a bit, then we get another chime. The GM is going to let the WWE Universe decide if this match should take place (way to dig at me, GM…way to dig hard). The GM wants the fans to go to WWE.com and vote yes or no. I’d say go vote no, but really…like they’d allow that to happen.
Match 3: Brodus Clay vs. Drew McIntyre
Drew gets the jobber entrance, so this shouldn’t last too long at all. Drew with a kick then some hard blows to the back, but brodus hits a few body shots and sends Drew into the conrer. He misses a splash, but stops himself from any pain. Drew goes up top and flies off with an axe handle, but Brodus hits a headbutt. Fall of Humanity, and a pin for 1…2…3!
Winner: Brodus Clay (NR)
That’s three matches in a row under 2 minutes…
In the back, Santino is in Chris Jericho’s locker room, accusing him of being the GM. Jericho says, of course he’s not, he hates that computer. Jericho then says that Santino may very well be the Anonymous GM. He almost convinces Santino of it. Santino walks away, and in comes Show. jericho says that they have been partners before, and they were great. Show says that some of the most embarrassing moments of his career were when he was a part of jericho. Show tells Jericho to stay out of his way and he’ll stay out of Jericho’s way. it appears they’re going to tag up against John Cena and Kane.
It’s John Cena promo time!!! Who will it be, guys? The fun loving “chutes and ladders is fun” Cena or the super-serial, “I will probably die, but it’s alright” Cena!? Only time will tell. Cena starts with a Churchill quote. Classy. He says that the match is brutal and punishing, with great risk but unbeleivable reward. The risk is that none of the guys in the match care about pinfalls or submissions, they care about the contract hanging high. In 6 days, even the nicest people can become brutal and ruthless. Money in the Bank is a must see event, because ever since it began, the winner would win the belt. Always. It is this event that changes the landscape of the WWE (so, Cena winning would do what?) Cena says that he’s been out here for weeks saying he’d win, and he stands by his word. The Big Show will be stopped by him, this he promises. He will do whatever he has to to whoever he has to, to be the next Mr. Money in the Bank. He, John Cena, will win Money in the Bank.
Match 4: John Cena and Kane vs. Chris Jericho and The Big Show
Cena and Jericho to start. Lockup into a side headlock from cena. Jericho turns it into a bit of a key lock, but Cena turns out of it and locks in another side headlock. Toss to the ropes and Cena knocks Jericho down then pins for 1…nope. Cena with a bulldog, and Jericho runs to Show and tags him in. Show isn’t really liking this, but lumbers in anyways. Cena tries for a hard right, and we get a sad attempt at recreating a boxing match. It’s short lived as Show goozles Cena. Cena blocks it off and tags in Kane. Kane and Show are at a standstill until they lockup and Show overpowers Kane into the corner. Another lockup and Show sends Kane into the corner again. he goes for a right, but Kane ducks and does some of his own. Rights ot the face over and over till the ref stops him. Kane is then sent into the corner and Show clotheslines him down to the corner. Kane is bleeding. Show with a headbutt to the back of Kane’s head. Jericho with a cheap shot on the outside t Kane. Show stares down Cena. Kane and Cena are getting along gloriously. Kane is back in and Show hits him in the gut with a right. Kane fires back with an uppercut, but Show hits him with a boot. Whip and a shoulderblock to the mat from Show. Tag to Cena and Jericho and we get some rope work then a whip from Jericho. Jericho distracts the ref so Show can hit Cena’s in the back with a right, sending him to the mat as we get our first break.
We’re back, and Big Show is headbutting Cena. He’s in the corner, and Show wants the crowd to shush so he can chop Cena. He does. Show argues with the crowd, and Cena tries to body slam him! He lifts Show, but Show falls flat and we get a pin for 2. Cena is up with some rights, then runs right into a bear hug from Show. Cena is able to fight out of it with some rights to the head. he goes behind and hits…he hits a back suplex. Well that was interesting. Kane gets the tag, and he knocks Show…back to his feet. kane with a splash in the corner, then to the ropes. Show whips him to the ropes, and Kane comes back with a DDT and a pin for 1…2..No! Kane is looking to go up top. He flies! Show moves, and comes firing forward with a spear. Show to cover for 1…2..NO! Show lifts up the red man and gives him a hit to the gut, then tags in Jericho. Jericho on the top rope and comes flying off with an axe handle. Jericho with some kicks to the legs then he stomps Kane down in the corner. A kick to the head of Kane. Jericho takes Kane to the ropes, and chokes up Kane a bit while the ref counts. Another choke till three, followed by standing on Kane for another count. jericho hits the ropes then flies with a knee to the back of Kane. jericho distracts long enough for Show to chop Kane on the chest, and we get another break.
Back to the show, and Jericho has a chin lock on Kane. kane is abule to lift Jericho up and back him up into the corner, though. Kane runs into the corner, but Jericho lifts the boot. Jericho runs right into a sidewalk slam! Kane with the tag. He hits the ropes. Shoulderblock to Jericho. One more. Protobomb. Jericho is unable to visually comprehend Cena. Five Knuckle Shuffle. No! Jericho tries for the Walls. Cena counters. Attitude Adjustment to Jericho! Pin for 1…2..Show drags Cena out of the ring and sends him into the barricade for the disqualification
Winner: John Cena and Kane via DQ (**1/2)
Sometimes a DQ really deflates a match. This was one of those times.
Big Show clotheslines Kane down for good measure. He lifts the apron and grabs a ladder after sending Kane in the ring. One more ladder into the ring. jericho and Kane are in the middle of the ring, trying to get to their feet. Big Show grabs one ladder and sends it right into jericho, then into Kane. He drops that ladder and pulls the other then drops it. He drags Jericho into the middle of the ladder and squashes Jericho in it, then presses on Jericho’s back for a bit. Cena is here with a ladder, though, and hits Show’s back a few times then hits him with a head shot, sending Big Show to the outside. Cena screams like he just conquered Akivasha. Easy there, Sorbo.
Backstage, CM Punk is workin out his legs. Here comes Eve and she wants to wish Punk luck. He says thanks and same to her. She says it’s not the match she wishes him luck with. He says AJ is going to go ape shit if she doesn’t hear “I Do” tonight. Eve says it must be hard. Sure, he’s had the belt for 7 months now, but it must be hard to be overshadowed by…AJ. It must be emasculating. Like she said, good luck tonight. Well I’ll be darned, someone’s been reading 411mania.com.
Santino is here with the apparent cell phone of the Anonymous RAW General Manager. It’s The Great Khali. Santino asks him if he is the GM. Khali says yes. Then he says no. Santino walks off and Khali stays on screen for far too long…
We’ve got one more qualifying match for the Money in the Bank match. The first person announced is Sin Cara. Interesting.
Match 5: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater
We come back and Heath has Sin cara in a pin for 1. He pounds on the head of Sin cara for a bit, then yells at the ref. Heath with a body slam. He drops some elbows onto the shoulder then pins Sin Cara for 1…2…NO! Cravat from behind by Heath. Sin Cara turns into it then hits an elbow. Heath works the arm. Sin hits the thigh with some kicks, then uses the ropes to assist in an arm drag. He runs into the corner, hops over the ropes, then swinfs up with his leg and hits a kick to the head. High cross body from Cara then hits La Mistica for the 1…2…3!
Winner: Sin Cara
Did we ever question it?
Heath is angry. He wants any former champion, and he guarantees he’ll beat them. Well, considering you couldn’t beat Sin Cara…. The rumors are true, and here is Bob Backlund ready for action! He looks like he hasn’t aged a bit. Ok, maybe just a little bit. Backlund is all nuts in the ring, much to the cheers of the crowd. Heath attacks and sends Bob to the corner, until he comes back and locks in the crossface chickenwing. Heath taps out like a bitch.
Before Backlund can leave, Michael Cole wants to talk about the poll. Actually, he totally dismisses what happens in the ring and shows the results. They are 75% yes and 25% no. Cole doesn’t look too happy. He says, how dare us. All of these people are hypocrites because we say that we don’t want him to wrestle a match, then say that we put him in one. Looks like this match is next.
We got Mathews and Booker on commentary.
Match 5: Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler
Cole is quick to run out of the ring once the bell rings, but Booker T just rolls him right back in. Cole gives King a few thumbs up then calls for the end of the match, and says just to stop. Lawler reaches out, then sets up Cole on his shoulders, and we get an airplane spin. -sigh- Cole galls and King pins for 1…2..3.
Winner: Jerry “The King” Lawler
The Anonymous GM has something to say. Mathews reads it. Due to the blatant interference by Booker T, he is reversing the decision and the winner is Michael Cole. The music of Santino Marella hits, and he says that this is enough. He has searched every square inch of the arena, and has come to the conclusion that if the RAW GM is here tonight, there’s only one place left where he or she would be, and that is…under the ring. The Anon GM says “No I’m not.” Then, he/she says, “there is absolutely no one under the ring sending e mails, that’s an order.” Santino says it sounds like a clue, and stands ringside, getting ready to pull the apron up. Santino is tripped and pulled under the ring. Lawler helps pull Santino out, and of course…Hornswoggle is attached to Santino. he rolls in the ring, and Lawler is on the mic. He claims that he ought to put Hornswoggle over his knee and give him a spanking. Horny kicks king in the shin, then does the same to Santino. The crowd = dead. They cheered when he kicked each man, but seriously…I don’t think they knew what to think…and neither do I.
Match 6: Daniel Bryan and Eve vs. CM Punk and AJ
Punk and Bryan to start. Punk overpowers Bryan with some back elbows then some knees into the corner. Bryan fires back with an upopercut, but Punk hits a high uppercut then tosses Bryan up and over. Punk runs, possibly looking for a knee, but Bryan lifts the leg. Punk stops the kick, but Bryan rolls out and kicks Punk in the chest. A few more follow, with a YES for each. Bryan whips Punk, reversed by Punk. Reverse kick. AJ tags herself in, though. Damn, she looks good. Even is in. Eve with a kick to AJ. Eve works on the back, then whips AJ. Aj ducks something then takes Eve down and hits some rights. She flips her hair and arches her back. That’s not a move, but it was hot. AJ has Eve in the corner, but Even kicks out of it, then hits a high kick. AJ doesn’t go down, so Eve spears her down and hits a few rights. Eve has AJ up in a headlock then hits a knee to the gut, and slams AJ down. Eve hits the ropes, and looks to flip into a leg drop, but AJ has her knees up. Aj with a couple of back elbows then a double drop kick/stomp. She eruns into the corner with a splash then hits a spinning heel kick and a pin for 1…2..NO! Eve tries to tag in Brhyan, but AJ won’t have it. Eve turns and kicks AJ away. Eve goes to tag Bryan, but Bryan drops down on the mat. He won’t take the tag. AJ from behind, rolls up Eve for 1…2..3!!
Winners: CM Punk and AJ (**)
After the match, AJ hugs Punk. Bryan has something to say. He just proved that she means more to him than any match. He rubs her cheek, and tells her they should leave right now and go get married. He drops the mic, and goads her to the ropes, opening them for her. Punk grabs a mic. He isn’t going to lie to her to try and hold onto his belt. Bryan will. He wants to marry her just because he thinks that she can help him become champ. AJ looks confused. Punk will lay it all on the line. He doesn’t care if what he says costs him the match or the title, he’s got to say it. He’s not going to marry AJ. AJ looks so sad. So, so sad. Punk says that if this hurts her somehow then he apologizes, but at least he care enough about her to tell her the truth. AJ’s got them crocodile tears comin. She smirks a bit, walks up to Punk slowly, looks in his eyes and nods a little, seemingly understanding. Then BAM, slap to the face, yo. Punk looks all Chris Brownish. Bryan, over on the other side of the ring, has his arms open and says, “Come home, AJ!” Hahaha, hilarious. AJ looks like she’s bout to, walks up to him, then slaps the shit outta him, too. She smirks loudly, then chants YES! YES! YES! along with the crowd! She leaves, continuing the chant. Oh, she’s nuts.
Credit: Tony Acero