In New York, as I type this, it feels like it is about 30 degrees below freezing. That is why I haven’t been on this site as of lately, because I have been in a frozen block of ice for the past week and I have finally thawed out. Now I’m taking extra precaution by getting the last resort, my snuggie. Don’t laugh at me. The only way I kept myself warm was by giving myself some X pac Heat *drum plays*. HA HA HA HA HA HA. Ha. Ha. Ha. Okay, so I’m not the funniest. Anyways, I was going through my article archives when I realized my ten best wrestlers list didn’t have a ten worst wrestlers list to counterbalance it. This un justice cannot go un-written. But before the main list, we need our (dis)honorable mentions who weren’t egregious enough to make my list. Because we do need it.
John Cena: The man can wrestle, but only seemed to do so on the big stage or if he’s with a superior in-ring worker a la Shawn Michaels or CM Punk. Otherwise expect him to act like he’s ran a marathon 2 minutes into the match and no sell almost all of his opponent’s moves.
Jeff Hardy: More overrated than bad. If he’s not surrounded by anything resembling a table, ladder, or chair, he was exposed in a way. He wasn’t horrible, or even that bad, he was just vastly overrated as a singles competitor.
Matt Hardy: *See Jeff Hardy* Have you seen how much weight he’s gained in TNA?
David Arquette: Just because. He’s not deserving of a spot, so I guess you can say he’s in a worse position.
Ezekiel Jackson: Well, at least his theme music makes for some great work out music.
Kevin Nash: Very tall, very underwhelming in the ring. *Insert quad joke here*
Now on to the main event. MY, key word, MY top ten worst wrestlers that I have ever seen. I am bound to miss some, and if i could i would extend the list. But alas, I have received complaints that some of my articles have been long. You guys know who is bad, so I’m just giving you my 10. If you disagree or don’t like the list, that is completely fine. I just ask that you be respectful. Thanks, now on to the list.
10. JBL
I really wish he would wrestle with his shirt on, because his, er, underwhelming physique wasn’t a sight to see. I always tell my brother when I saw him wrestle, that if he was a type of food, he would be a jug of milk or melted cheese. But all that aside, he’s here mainly because of his horrible run as WWE Champion. Besides a couple of good matches with Eddie Guerrerro, his matches were absolutely horrible. Booker T and The Undertaker sure as hell couldn’t save him, and John Cena didn’t do the job at WrestleMania either. Let’s not get started with The Big Show. Not to mention in each and every one of his matches, he needed interference up to the tee to retain his title. He was just very insufferable. Not to mention he was basically a poor man’s Ted DiBiase. He can cut a promo, but not much else other than a clothesline.
9. Heidenrich
When The Undertaker returned as The Deadman back in 2004, he was stuck in a purgatory that involved slow, meandering matches and throwaway feuds. This involved feuds and matches with the likes of Booker T, JBL, and The Dudley Boyz. But above all this, what epitomized this dark time in the Undertaker’s career was his feud with an anomaly by the name of Heidenrich, who I call the WWE’s version of the Hulk, except not nearly as muscular or green. He was just very…..weird. Apparently he was being controlled by an invisible force by the name of “Little Johnny” (also the distant second cousin of Little Jimmy), and recited some disturbing poetry. He was basically Smackdown’s version of Snitsky. But he was really out there. But his feud with The Undertaker not only exposed his horrible in-ring prowess but it was also a waste on Paul Heyman’s abilities. The only thing memorable about him was his tag team reign with Road Warrior Animal, but even that was a complete flop. Everything about him was just, wrong. Everything.
8. Eugene
Seeing him on the screen was very bad for my health as every single time that he had shown up, because he nearly gave me an aneurysm every time. So basically he’s a relative of Eric Bischoff, and he was very, for lack of a better term, “special”. One thing was for sure though, and it’s that he wasn’t, um, “all the way there”. Sorry for the excessive use of finger quotes. If you loved The Rock, Stone Cold or Triple H, then you would love Eugene because he would bring back the nostalgic moments of WWE’s heyday by copying their finishers. For a while, he was over, because why would you boo a man who has the mental capacity of a disgruntled 6 year old boy in a candy shop? WWE never fully acknowledged something was wrong with him, and that’s when fans took advantage. They realized that WWE was pushing this guy on overdrive, and they turned on him, at Summerslam 204 when he was inexplicably given a singles match with Triple H. He would pin Triple H two weeks later. The next year, he wore Kurt Angle’s gold medals for a while. The man was just awful. I don’t really even know what to say about his character, because he was just very, very, annoying.
7. Santino Marella
I was considering leaving him off the list because the way he acts doesn’t dictate that you take him seriously, but then you realize that he has held both mid-card belts as well as the tag team championship belt. So now I take him seriously. Let’s forget about the tragedy at WrestleMania 25; I’ll let you look that one up. He wasn’t just bad in the ring, he was so bad he would make you tear your eyes out like a hose because of how bad he was. And then you consider WWE put the United States belt on him for as long as he did while barely defending the belt in the process and being a sick disservice to it in the process. Let’s face it, he’s the worst United States champion ever. Sorry, Orlando Jordan. From the goofy way he would walk to the ring, to the horrible tuxedo “match” he had with Ricardo Rodriguez, Santino was supposed to be a walking joke. And in a way, he was a joke, of a wrestler that is.
6. Goldberg
Richard Alexander Staple! Are you trying to tell me that you think Goldberg is a worse wrestler than Santino Marella. Relax, y’all. Santino will not, nor never will be as “good” as Goldberg. Guess what though? He is perhaps the most overrated wrestler in the history of all of wrassling. When Goldberg was in WCW, he was supposed to be the force that would compete against Stone Cold in WWF during the Monday Night Wars. However, he was simply no match, because not only wasn’t he has nearly as entertaining, he needs a supreme wrestling tactician to have a good match. Let’s face it, his move set is severely limited. A spear here, a snap suplex there. He’s basically a rich man’s Roman Reigns. When he made his way over to WWE, his singles run was a supreme flop as he was highly exposed in the ring with the likes of The Rock, Brock Lesnar and Triple H. He was just a good mess, which is why every time the crowd chants “Gooooooldberg” when Ryback is in the ring, I will always wish for one giant zipper to shut them all up. To each his own, have at it.
5. Scott Steiner
Ah, Big Poppa Pump. Or as I like to call him, Steroid Daddy. See, when Scott got that huge pop at the Survivor Series in 2002, he looked like he was going to be on the verge of a great WWE career. Fast forward to the Royal Rumble in 2003 with Triple H in a bout for the World Heavyweight Championship. Take it away, Paul Heyman. “SUPLEX REPEAT SUPLEX REPEAT SUPLEX REPAT!!!”. Belly suplex after botched belly suplex, poor Scott looked gassed after about five minutes. And the crowd was unforgiving at the train wreck that they were watching in the ring. It was, however, seen by WWE that he was so great that he should get another match with Triple H at No Way Out, and that wasn’t any better. From then on, Scott would spiral downward into obscurity and then disintegrate from anything resembling a good wrestler in WWE. Sure, he had a lot of muscles, and had an ideal Vince McMahon like physique. But alas, he had nothing to show for us. He lacked stamina, endurance, and, of course, wrestling. A big waste.
4. Ahmed Johnson
Ahmed Johnson was the first African American in WWE history to win a singles belt. He was also the first wrestler in my history to make me go to my bed and make me cry in the fetal position because of how bad he was. Once again, another muscular brute who couldn’t wrestle a stick. But he was inexplicably given fifth place on the PWI’s 500 greatest wrestlers in 1996. Basically, a poor man’s Mark Henry if anything else. Then, when he went to WCW, the only thing he did was gain weight and become a fatty. He looked promising, but his improvement in the ring was minimal at best. Another flop bites the dust.
3. Big Daddy V
Call him Big Daddy V. Call him Viscera. Hell, call him King Mabel. It won’t matter what you call him, because he still sucked. Bad. First, I have never seen a man so out of shape in WWE like he was. I mean, the way his chest would just diverge into two mounds of sludge and flesh was simply not a sight to see. This lack of self preservation from gaining weight contributed negatively to his performance to his ring as all of his matches would simply be slow, meandering and plodding, the evil trifecta of what makes a bad match in WWE. Not to mention he was involved in perhaps the worst Summerslam main event of all time against Kevin Nash. He tragically passed away, so I won’t bash on him too much, but you can’t make up the type of atrocity he was in the ring. But hey, he called himself the Largest Love Machine, so if the bed is able to contain his weight, he will rock your world ladies.
2. The Boogeyman
Talk about a man who was over the top creepy, huh? I’ve heard from a semi-reliable source that worms are a fresh source of protein, but a man who’s eating them live for the whole viewing audience to see just has to be on this list. Just looking at him makes me mad. I won’t even discuss his beyond pathetic in-ring skills. His main purpose was to just creep people the hell out, and when I was younger and watched him as a kid, it worked. Now I’m unleashing all my anger on him. He ruined my childhood. Now, I’m amped up. Who ever is number 1 is gonna get it, ya hear me?
1. Dolph Ziggler
Did you guys remember the time where he won the WHC title and dropped it the same night? What a loser! Worst wrestler of all time. I kid people, I kid.
1. The Great Khali
Triple H, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle. What do all of these wrestling legends have in common with The Great Khali? They have all beat John Cena and The Undertaker cleanly. You let that sink in for a moment. Without a shadow of a doubt, he is a walking abomination of the highest order. Chops here, walk like a zombie across the ring. Another chop. Punjabi clutch. Another chop. That was your formula for a Khali match. Consider that he also held the World Heavyweight Championship. Because he just needed to hold it. That was all well and good, but one problem. HE CAN’T SPEAK FLUID ENGLISH! NO HABLE INGLES! QUE PASA?! It goes without saying that he ruined all the prestige The Big Gold belt had and made Ric Flair roll over and cry. It was just frustrating to see him at any capacity, speaking or wrestling. His second theme music does make for a wicked dance party, I’ll give him that.
Well, that’s my worst of the worst. I must stress again, that this is MY list. If you guys have Cena or Psycho Sid on your list, go on right ahead. I’ll be back soon (maybe today again if I am still thawed out) for more lists. Until next time.
