It’s a New Year, yes it is!
Today is the day everyone tries to set new goals for themselves in the hopes they can change their life around just because the calendar changed. It’s entirely symbolic, but it’s as good a time as any to start making adjustments.
WWE in 2019 was supposed to be a year of change. Hell, Vince McMahon himself promised at the tail end of 2018 that WWE would be listening to its fans. Lo and behold, it was a year of turmoil and tons of mistakes just as much, if not more than the prior year.
Empty promises and false advertisement are rampant, but there’s always a chance to improve. As such, it’s time to get into the fourth annual New Year’s resolutions for WWE in general and the superstars who make up the product we all love—or, at times, love to hate.
Keep in mind that while some of these are serious and legitimate, many are just humorous or on the kayfabe side of things. It’s all in the name of fun and retrospection.
Rusev and Lana
Leave WWE. Seriously.
Lana CLEARLY wants to act and model more than anything else, as evidenced by her overacting in this storyline and the advancements in her modeling career in 2019. She signed a new contract, but Sin Cara and Mike Kanellis did that and that didn’t stop them from wanting to get out.
Rusev seems either like he’s given up on trying and is just goofing off until his deal expires, or he’s frustrated and figures “screw it, if it’s this stupid, I’ll ham it up.”
Even if you two don’t go to AEW or anywhere in particular, you might have more fun with taking your careers in other directions. WWE isn’t likely to give Lana that platform she wants, nor will they give Rusev a world title.
Bobby Lashley
Demand your match with Brock Lesnar. You’ve wanted it for so long and WWE keeps ignoring you. We’ve seen plenty of times in the past when someone’s wanted something, they’ve dangled it, and it never happened.
Sting never got his Undertaker match. The Four Horsewomen vs. Four Horsewomen may never happen. Stone Cold vs. Hulk Hogan was pushed aside for later and didn’t come to pass.
Sit down with Vince McMahon and tell him you’re going to leave if they don’t actually give you the Lesnar match. Even if it sucks, at least you’ll have had the chance to prove what you keep saying would work.
Threatening to quit will force WWE to reevaluate how much they want you on the roster. Maybe you’ll get your wish. If not, at least you’ll know for sure it isn’t worth investing in that match anymore and you can stop putting in the effort to impress them and just coast in upper-midcard limbo.
The Hardy Boyz and The Usos
In all seriousness, get some help, if you haven’t already. Every time there’s another arrest or something, it’s further proof to all the doubters who keep saying you’ll never change.
It does no good to your careers or your partners, nor your legacies, your families, your public perception, etc. There are no positives to all this nonsense.
Clearly, there are some issues that need to be resolved that you think are helped with substance abuse, but since that hasn’t worked yet, it’s time to throw in the towel with that theory and admit that it never will. Something has to change and it is to get help so that you don’t end up a statistic.
Shorty G
Beg them to stop this Shorty G stuff. I know you might have thought that being used at all was a step in the right direction and that this might be inspiring or anything, but it isn’t working.
Instead, you look like a fool who is trying to be the embodiment of a 90s cartoon basketball player mascot. You’re reminding me more of a cross between Izzy from the Olympics, Kid Vid from Burger King and a guy who should be inside a costume cheering on The Wildcats rather than “the next WrestleMania main-eventer.”
Ember Moon
Come back with a new gimmick. Freshen things up. You have no actual character yet and if you return looking and acting the exact same way, the momentum of your comeback will dry up super fast and you’ll be back doing nothing in no time.
Big Show
When you’re done with your television show, have one last run in WWE and then retire. You can still make your appearances in the future whenever you want and be an ambassador as much as possible. That part of your life that you’ve been doing doesn’t need to change.
However, you’re still treated as if you’re a regular member of the roster and we all know that isn’t true. It’s time. You’re a legend and a future first-ballot Hall of Famer. Concoct a storyline run well enough to do justice to your career and end it with a bang in 2021.
The Revival
When you leave…because we know you’re leaving…please don’t pick lame names for AEW. Don’t be Turwilliger Jones and Gert Anderson or something. It’s going to be so ridiculous if you pop up on Dynamite and Excalibur and JR have to act all surprised about some stupid new names just because WWE owns Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder and you couldn’t think of anything decent.
Also, pick a tag team name that is cool. If you go with #FTR, that’s going to forever tie you to being anti-WWE, rather than breaking out and showing everyone what you could’ve done all along.
Drake Maverick
Quit hanging around backstage and go consummate that marriage! Your wife is hot! What are you doing?! You’re not even on the brand that has the 24/7 Championship anymore, so what is up with these distractions!?
The Colons
Take Primo’s suspension as an opportunity to sit down with WWE and tell them to let you go. You know there’s no point in you being with this company anymore. This is many years in the making. It needs to end this year.
Lars Sullivan
Hopefully, you’ve taken this time off to really get better in a lot of ways more than just with healing your injuries. If you haven’t, start now.
Improve your cardio. Learn how to cut better promos by taking some acting classes (something tons of people should be doing). Figure out some tweaks to your gimmick so you’re fresh when you come back. Expand your mind and grow as a person. Learn from your mistakes in the past and make up for them.
Do not just come back exactly the same as when you left and hope that people will consider you the next monster that they fall in love with, as that will be deflating and prove that you’re a one-trick pony and that we’ve seen that trick performed much better by others before.
Lince Dorado
I don’t care if Kalisto and Gran Metalik plan on leaving. You need to stay.
Think about it. If those two go and Sin Cara is gone, you will be the only masked superstar in the company outside of Rey Mysterio. Do you really think WWE isn’t going to realize how much they don’t want to lose you? Sticking around can make you a LOT of money and a big push.
Matt Riddle
If you haven’t already, smooth things over with Goldberg to the point where you can agree behind the scenes to wrestle each other.
Beating Goldberg would do wonders for your career. Even wrestling him and losing could put you on the map. But that’s not going to happen if you’re still taking shots at each other.
The more you do that and it isn’t a work, the more of an ass you seem to be and it isn’t going to win you many fans backstage or possibly even in the audience.
Tony Nese
For the love of all that is holy, you need to find a tag team partner who has charisma on the mic. You’re talented in the ring, but enough time has passed by that we can write you off as being a solo act that will go super far, as promos are your weak point. We don’t care anymore about the eight reasons shtick if that’s the one and only thing you ever say.
Tino Sabbatelli if he’s ever cleared to wrestle again? Kona Reeves? Maybe you can join Riddick Moss and Dan Matha in The Outliers?
A tag team will help you find purpose. On your own, you’re doomed for a bad 2020.
Isla Dawn
Turn heel! It would fit your gimmick so much better and put you in a better position on the card.
Right now, you’re a babyface people beat to get to the people above you. You’re not going to overtake the spots of Toni Storm, Tegan Nox, Piper Niven and even Xia Brookside, it seems.
But if you turn heel, maybe you’ll overtake Jinny and Nina Samuels and company to become a top challenger for whoever beats Kay Lee Ray.
Gentleman Jack Gallagher
You really need to go to NXT UK.
Mustafa Ali
Ditch the Sub-Zero mask and palm thing. It makes no sense.
Dexter Lumis
I don’t know who you have to suck up to in order to get back on TV, but you’ve wrestled one match and then disappeared. You’re talented. Get out there. Do something. It’s been months.
The Street Profits
We know you want the smoke. Just make sure the smoke you get doesn’t violate the Wellness Policy.
Shelton Benjamin
Start thinking ahead about your potential job as a trainer in NXT. Get your foot in the door now to set yourself up for that gig in the future. We all know you’d be great in that role.
Humberto Carrillo
English classes. Acting lessons. Cut promos on the road. Practice mic work backstage and at home and on house shows. Without the verbal part of this business, you’re limited.
Zack Ryder
You have a wedding coming up. Those are expensive as hell. Save your money and the next time you’re at a collectibles store looking at toys, put a few of them down, pal.
WWE Management / Creative
Actually listen to the fans. Stop trying to toss out gimmicks that will distract people for a moment before going back to the status quo. If you hear that someone is getting popular, push them. If you see a lot of criticism for one of your angles, move on and don’t try to force it down everyone’s throats.
Stop thinking the fans can’t see through your crap, too. We know you don’t care about Main Event and 205 Live, for instance, so that’s why nobody else cares. When you say things like “for the first time ever” for everything just to try to facetiously excite us, we get even less hyped.
Just be honest and actually try to put in the effort to make your product better. If the fans see that you’re trying, they’ll forgive you more for your mistakes along the way.
Everyone on the Roster
Speak up. If you don’t like something, talk to management about it. Take an active role in your career, whether its rewriting your promos or suggesting ideas of marketing strategies.
Heal your bodies. Having a nagging injury can be avoided for a certain amount of time, but it can also lead to major issues that will put you out of action for much longer than if you took a few weeks off. Nobody can give you your health back.
Damn near everyone should take some acting classes, as I’ve mentioned above with others. Whether you’re Apollo Crews all the way to Vic Joseph, a newbie like Boa or a veteran like Finn Balor, 99% of you could use an upgrade in this regard. Take the initiative on your own and it could make all the difference in the world with your performances.
Those are my suggestions, but what ideas do you have in mind, particularly for the wrestlers who didn’t make my list? Do you have any resolutions for yourself this year? Drop your thoughts in the comments below!
