*This is a nonsensical editorial presented for the sole purpose of comic relief*
The long awaited return of Parody Wrasslin’ is invading the Pontiac Silverdome to a sold out capacity crowd. Promoter Vince Russo has put together what he calls, “a Wrestling Extravaganza”. A seven match show which promises to be a great event. Let’s break down all seven matches and what the best possible booking decisions will be for the event.
Match #1: The Yeti vs. John Cena for the Mexican National Title
For weeks on the companies weekly episodic television show The Yeti has seemed to get the best of The Owner of Fruity Pebbles Inc. Tormenting Nikki Bella (John Cena’s good friend) with his grotesque appearance. The Go-Home show saw The Yeti make John Cena take a sewage bath with Kenny from the Spirit Squad. Cena is clearly out for blood now, and I’ve never seen Cena look so hungry, except for fruity pebbles, that I have seen. But with John Cena’s pride for his Mexican title due to his strong values and rich heritage who knows what TV-PG will do to the giant from Farts Unknown.
Result should be: John Cena retains his title via pinfall. Cena needs a win and bad, what a better way then to beat the most over heel in Russo’s company The Yeti?
Match #2: Ed Ferrera vs Jim Ross in a Death Match
One of two grudge matches tonight promises to be a slobber knocker. After years of making fun of JR’s Bells Palsy, Ross is looking to settle the score with Vince Russo’s sidekick Ed Ferrera. Ross promises to “tear out Ferrera’s stupid looking earring and put his a** through a table of BBQ sauce”. Ferrera followed up Ross’ comments in a backstage interview with Mark Yeaton, “I will send that no good wing eatin’ swine back to Oklahoma”. The Go-Home edition of this weeks show on Telemundo saw Ferrera beat Ross in a break dancing contest. Ross was livid because it was a heel finish.
Result should be: Ross beats Ferrera via Jack Doan stoppage. JR needs to go over as the dominant participant in this match. A loss to Ferrera will make him look weak, because nothing would be worse then being the best commentator in the business and losing to the 2nd worst writer the business has ever seen. He’d be buried into oblivion!
Match #3: Evening Gown Match: Sunny vs Missy Hyatt (From The County Jail)
This evening gown match will feature two prominent wrestling ladies do battle in a jail cell. The loser will be the one who has her orange evening gown removed (and knowing Sunny after that’s gone that’s it, stark naked). The two weren’t featured on the Go-Home show, instead Creative chose to have Virgil hype the event and panhandle money from the crowd. Weird booking decision but okay?!?!
Result should be: Able to be seen on Skype soon…sorry. I don’t know Sunny in the corner with a candle stick. Nah I’m just fooling the referee will fall asleep and the bell will ring. Sunny will complain to the jail guard but he’s in pisser looking at pictures of Summer Rae.
Match #4: Zach Gowen vs Chris Melendez in a False Leg on a Pole Match
If this one’s insensitive, I’m sorry I’m bored. Zach Gowen and Chris Melendez were once a great tag team but jealousy over a new shiny prosthetic leg tore apart this once great friendship. So now via order of The Powers That Be that leg will be up hanging from a pole. The winner will be the one who climbs and retrieves it. The Go-Home show featured both men trying on cowboy boots and Melendez got a big main event dark match win over The Boogeyman.
Result should be: Melendez via grabbing the leg. Melendez needs the leg here, I’m sure you’ve seen him in TNA, that one he has isn’t working so good. (Note: this is a humor based post and have nothing but respect for people who put their lives at risk for freedom…just throwing that out there)
Match #5: Fatal 4 Way: Jeff Jarrett vs Dixie Carter vs Joe Koff vs Mark Burnett
These four seem like they were thrown together for this match. It’s just another example of lazy booking on the part of creative. These four have no motives to face each other and no plot base for a program between them. Just four mid-card athletes with nothing better to do but job to Heath Slater and Bo Dallas. The Go-Home show saw Carter and Jarrett vs Koff and Burnett. Koff got the win for his team by delivering an Al Wilson stinkface to Carter who quickly gagged and submitted.
Result should be: In typical booking fashion for this company we will likely see Carter get the win via pinfall on Koff. Due to the even steven booking formula Carter loses to Koff on Go-Home show, therefor Koff will do the job for Carter at the pay-per-view. Simple formula no?
Match #6: Tag Titles on a Forklift Match: Billy and Chuck vs David Arquette and Courtney Cox
Buff Bagwell said this on his Twitter account about this match: “@bajdjkrk;gv I am pump poop daddy syked fojskn dis matchup tweener Nico and Vince vs Who? #givegigalosmoney”. A true poet, thanks Stuff! This match should be a good in ring showcase of both teams. Billy and Chuck are great at everything and Arquette is a former world champion. I’m more excited for this match then a fat kid gets for Twinkies. This will be an epic encounter! On the Go-Home episode of this weeks show featured Arquette and Cox get the heel finish on Billy and Chuck when…Rico ran in forcing the blondes to watch an episode of Friends, that’s torture. What factor will Rico play on Sunday? Will he get involved? No he’s retired, he retired right after that segment this week. So no Rico!
Result should be: Rico’s fake retirement, he sneak attacks Billy and Chuck. Allowing Cox to be lifted on the forks of the lift to grab the titles. Cox and Arquette need credibility and Billy and Chuck have had a marvelous reign lasting 3 days, but it’s time to let go. Pass them puppies onto today’s younger crop of star, who did great work in the companies developmental brand Wrestlicious.
Main Event: I Forget What I Called This Promotion’s World Title Jim Cornette vs Vince Russo
Here is grudge match #2 on the card, but perhaps is the greatest wrestling feud of the PG-Era. These two men have been battling it out on YouTube and Podcasts for quite some time now. But that was then and it’ll all come to an end this Sunday, when Senior With The Grrrreat Knee takes on “Dashing” Vince Russo. I assume this match will be so good, it’s said that the greatest female wrestler in the business Eva Marie will be at ringside, so both me will no doubt be trying to impress as they’re both so super horny. The Go-Home show saw Vince Russo stutter out a legit shoot he wrote before the show on a napkin with crayons from Denny’s. His opponent almost had heart failure in his passionate interview on how he hates Vince Russo. This one should be a classic, Snuka/Muraco, Hogan/Warrior, Sting/Flair and now Vince Russo and James E. Cornette will join those memorable show downs.
Result should be: Vince Russo will, make no mistake, walk out of the Mercedes Benz Superdome your, I Forgot What I Called This Promotions Title Champion. He is the leader of the locker room and refuses to do the job for anyone. Why the long list of people who could of been launched into superstar stature if they’d of beat Russo, instead of jobbing for him is staggering. Just think; Scotty Riggs, Shelley Martinez, The Dumpster, Luther Reigns, The Red Rooster, Huckleberry Hound, and Haystacks Calhoun, all men could of been stars if Russo would of just put them over. It will be an amazing bout which will feature two industry greats. But at the end of the day, Vince Russo will sniff his own farts and it’ll be a Cornette job-fest from the start.
What do you think will it be a good show? What do you predict? How bored will I be next week when I write another one? How old is Vince Russo’s cat? Will PWG Excalibur set up an invasion angle? Listen! Do you hear that? If you listen carefully you can hear Johnny Ace porking Brie and Nikki’s mother. Who will get a Skype date with Sunny? A) Prison Guard B) My prepubescent brother Earl or C) Linda McMahon are your choices vote now. Who will let Jim Cornette’s parrot out while he’s away? How will botch at the event first? Thanks for reading this really real (no it’s not) article hype this very real (um no) event coming your way on PPV this Sunday (if you read this and happen to be high on acid on Sunday).
Until next time. Stay tuned for exclusive results tomorrow night from the Pay-Per-View.
